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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my 14-year-old stepDD really should be able to take the bus/train on her own to visit us?

418 replies

cinnamontoast · 18/12/2013 21:35

DH complains about having to drive a round trip of nearly 400 miles in the school holidays to bring her down to visit, but won't contemplate her using public transport. At her age I was happily getting the train on my own to visit relatives at the other end of the country - and I didn't have a mobile. Surely learning to travel independently is an important life skill?

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 20/12/2013 16:03

"One if my kids walked at 11 months and one at 19 months.

I didn't try to force the one to walk before she was ready? "

Yes but when one got up and tentatively took a step, did you tell them not to try again in case they fell over, or give them a big beaming smile and a "come on, try again"?

I think you are confusing "can" with "don't want to". They are not the same.

sooperdooper · 20/12/2013 16:07

Why would you force a child who is scared to do something that really isn't imperative/ life saving

Nobody has suggested that, and the OP has never even said that her SD is scared of doing the journey, or doesn't want to do it, she's asked whether people think it's something that's an acceptable thing to suggest, which it is - I accept that not everyone might want to do it, but as a suggestion it's perfectly fine

defineme · 20/12/2013 16:08

I used to do similar at 11 to visit my best friend when she moved. I had to make my own way to the coach station too because my parent's said I could go anywhere as long as they didn't have to take me. Would a coach be better - smaller so easier to attract staff attention?

sooperdooper · 20/12/2013 16:13

something that really isn't imperative/ life saving

Oh and also, I would say that as a life skill, whilst not essential at the age of 14 - being able to travel alone as an adult is a skill that is imperative everyone should learn sometime, what age that skill is developed is up for discussion

SqueakyCleanLibertine · 20/12/2013 16:14

Is there a change? You either another reason or anything? If not, she will surely get out on one end and get met the other, making the only peedowl worries the toilet on the train?!

If this had been covered,I apologise, it's nearly Christmas and I've started on the beer.
Merry fucking Christmas Xmas Grin

whatever5 · 20/12/2013 16:20

It would be fine for a 14 year old if the train journey didn't involve any changes. No way would I expect a 14 year to do that journey if it involved changing trains at Birmingham though!

allmycats · 20/12/2013 16:53

If she is not used to public transport AND she has to change at Birmingham New Street then IMO it is unafir to expect her to do so.
A 14 year old girl, alone, in a strange place at the time of year when there will be drunken people travelling as well ,does not sound very sensible to me.
Can you imagine the headline -
14 year old child found wandering at train station having missed her connection and been harrassed by drunken revellers - then what would Mumsnet have to say ?

Joiningthegang · 20/12/2013 17:03

I think yabu - but it depends on the journey, the child, the time of day, how easy it is etc etc
But as a 14 yr old who rarely sees her dad, I would be translating it as my dad can't be bothered to come and get me

I think the time alone in a car with a teenager gives them real chance to catch up and connect again.

Why do you have an issue with you dh doing this with her and spending time with his daughter if he wants to do it?

WidowWadman · 20/12/2013 17:10

phantom

"as adults we can think on the spot and come up with a plan. "

Really? All adults? Even if they've never been in situations where they had to come up with a plan?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/12/2013 17:12

How do YOU feel about it, OP? It seems a bit odd to me that a father would begrudge doing this trip with/for his daughter. How often does he have to make it in a year?

friday16 · 20/12/2013 17:19

If she is not used to public transport AND she has to change at Birmingham New Street

The OP has repeatedly said she wouldn't have to.

But since Mordor Central Birmingham New St is used heavily by pupils who commute to and from the Birmingham grammar and private schools by train, I think the idea that it's a dark maw into which children disappear never to emerge can be a little overplayed.

14 year old child found wandering at train station

As well as the permanently manned information desks by the barriers, and the permanent presence both at concourse and platform level of Network Rail, Virgin and London Midland staff, there are shops and cafes open 0630 to Christ Knows When, and there's usually a BTP presence. It's hard to see how you could end up "wandering". Find someone in uniform. Sorted. Failing that, go into a shop. Sorted. If you can walk 50 yards at New St without passing someone in uniform, especially with all the extra staff on duty to deal with issues arising from the rebuilding work, I'd be amazed. The Stephenson St entrance is now closed so it's not possible to accidentally go out of the "back", either. It's also very rare for a long-distance train not to have TOC staff on the platform to deal with passengers, and increasingly there are dispatch staff on platforms even for the suburban stuff.

I would worry about my child changing trains on some godforsaken station in the middle of nowhere, served by two trains hourly and only manned in the peaks. But New St? Depending on your measure it's the busiest station in the country (it certainly is in terms of train movements) and it's staffed appropriately. It's got many failings, but a shortage of staff (and, in my experience, helpful staff) isn't one of them.

LtEveDallas · 20/12/2013 17:37

All the people saying that the drive is a chance to connect with her dad, well, not always. DSD absolutely hated spending 6 hours in the car with her father - and even longer when they hit traffic (almost every time). The visits were tapering off because of it. Going by train actually meant they saw more of each other, not less.

curlew · 20/12/2013 18:14

Couldn't they connect better sitting on the train drinking tea?

whatever5 · 20/12/2013 19:54

But since Mordor Central Birmingham New St is used heavily by pupils who commute to and from the Birmingham grammar and private schools by train, I think the idea that it's a dark maw into which children disappear never to emerge can be a little overplayed.

They do but they are usually with friends and are obviously familiar with the station. I agree that it is not a "dark maw into which children disappear" but I think it would be really unfair to expect a 14 year old travelling by herself who is not familiar with trains or Birmingham New Street to change at this station.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 20/12/2013 20:02

New street is a tricky station to change at and fairly daunting even without the building work. There are around 30 platforms IIRC? It's more like an airport than a station! I don't think I'd expect a 14 year old to manage it alone for the first time - if they were familiar with it then yes, no problem.

I suppose I find it odd that children of 13 or 14 are not confident to use public transport alone because here in Germany children of 8 or 9 often use public transport alone or in small groups. But I do see the point that a 400 mile trip is a much bigger deal than getting home from school which is the same journey every day and you've probably done for a solid year or two with a parent before attempting it alone.

Financeprincess · 20/12/2013 21:26

LoL at Mordor Central.

Please, people, let your children grow up and learn to be responsible for themselves!

friday16 · 20/12/2013 21:39

There are around 30 platforms IIRC?

There are 12. They are helpfully numbered 1 to 12.

For short trains, each platform has an A end and a B end, which I suppose might complicate things slightly. It's hardly the most challenging of concepts.

There's also the mysterious, for stopping trains to Liverpool and a few obscure services to Wales. Given it's cut into the end of 4B, it doesn't require deep skills to find.

It's a bloody sight easier than Kings Cross, say, where the high-numbered "suburban" platforms are in another building,

friday16 · 20/12/2013 21:41

There's also the mysterious 4C.

See, it's so mysterious, I can't reliably type its name.

sooperdooper · 20/12/2013 22:18

She doesn't have to change at Birmingham, why is everyone so obsessed with the idea??

nooka · 20/12/2013 22:27

I am amazed by the number of people who seem to think that the idea of a 14 year old making a train journey on their own is even something to talk about. It seems a totally run of the mill idea to me.

Yes there is always the risk that the child might get into some sort of trouble, but that is an argument for never allowing your children to be on their own at all. I traveled a fair bit as a teen (to school, up to town, visiting relatives etc) but the only time I was ever sexually assaulted was in our local park on a sunny Saturday afternoon. It is terrible that such things happen at all, but really a train seems a fairly unlikely place to me.

My children are 13 and 14 and I would be totally happy about either of them making this sort of trip. If there was a connection I might think about going with them to that station and getting them familiar with it (we've done this with dd for bus journeys). ds went to visit my mum in the UK last summer (we live in Canada), he wasn't an UM and he had a five hour layover. I was of course a bit nervous seeing him off but he was fine.

MisguidedHamwidge · 20/12/2013 22:29

From the age of 12, I did a 10 hour train journey from one end of the country to the other and Rnfn sometimes had to change at Birmingham!

I can't have been overly traumatised because all I remember about Birmingham was a big black horse sign that was on the platform (maybe an advert for Lloyd's bank?!) It was an enjoyable journey, with a book & a packed lunch.

Anyway, I don't think the travelling is the point here really. Your DH doesn't live with his daughter, I think it sad that he is moaning about driving to get her. It's a shame that he isn't excited about going to see her. If he suggests rage she travels alone she may feel as if he doesn't car enough to make the effort.

MisguidedHamwidge · 20/12/2013 22:30

*care enough. Sorry for various iPhone fails [sigh]

pixiepotter · 20/12/2013 22:50

todays news

nooka · 20/12/2013 22:51

It's an eight hour drive for the guy! I don't think it's that unreasonable for him not to look forward to that sort of length of journey, especially as he has a dodgy knee. The fact that he has been doing the journey for a long time and isn't even considering any other options suggest to me that seeing his daughter is very important to him.

If he suggests the train as an option to her I really think at 14 she should be able to understand that he is still fully committed to her, even if she doesn't feel ready (or her mum refuses).

nooka · 20/12/2013 22:53

Pixie that was a nasty incident for an adult at a local train station. Sometimes bad things happen, but unless you plan to hold your child's hand and physically protect them at all times then there will always be some exposure to bad things in life.