to think my 14-year-old stepDD really should be able to take the bus/train on her own to visit us?

[cinnamontoast]

DH complains about having to drive a round trip of nearly 400 miles in the school holidays to bring her down to visit, but won't contemplate her using public transport. At her age I was happily getting the train on my own to visit relatives at the other end of the country - and I didn't have a mobile. Surely learning to travel independently is an important life skill?

Yes, I last caught a train (do you say "caught"?) from Birmingham to Manchester (where I live) about 10 years ago. I can do it, if I have to. I very much prefer not to. But then I don't travel far in the UK, I have no need to.

I would be one of those nervous types asking one person after another "this is the Picadilly train isn't it"

I don't have any other forms of social anxiety, just this one, promise. Something you do reluctantly once about every 10 years can feel like a big thing.

My dd made similar length journeys on her own at that age, she was pleased we trusted her & felt she could make the journey on her own. I would have no issues with my younger dd who is 12 making the same length trip, if there was somewhere she wanted to go. My DCs do travel on public transport regularly and have done since they were born.

It would depend on the maturity of the fourteen year old, the number of stops, whether she'd have to get off to change to another train, the type of passengers the route attracts and whether she was used to using public transport. Travelling at that age, I would prefer a girl to have someone with her, even if it was only a same age friend, preferably a small group as there are safety in numbers.

I think you're being unreasonable, even if she's mature, has a direct and safe route, she'd still have to travel alone if she's visiting for the holidays and there aren't many parents that would be comfortable with that, her mother would be perfectly entitled and possibly insistent on keeping her at home if your husband demanded that. His refusal to even consider it is because he cares enough about her not to want to take the risk of her being harmed by travelling alone. As he should.

Apart from a local steam train attraction, i've never been on a train. I'm in NI and we are not at all well catered for in the train department. I'd have to drive 25 miles to get to the nearest train station just to come back 25 miles in the direction i came from to go anywhere the train goes. Pointless. So i've never done it.

I would be happy for my 17 year old DS who has ASD to do that length of journey now. I would have been very happy for my other DC's (NT) to have done it at 13.

I used to be put on the train on the south coast at the age of 8 and my gran used to collect me at Victoria. DH did the same to his grandparents but from Yorkshire. The big difference was that in those days the trains had restaurant cars and guards. Parents used to give the steward and the guard a tip to look after us.

My DC are 15 and 19 now. DS went to the Isle of Wight on his own at 15, got met off the ferry. I was worried sick but he was fine. DD could do it now. I think there's a huge difference between 14 and 15. I also think trains were safer in the 60's - they had more staff.

Feel I should defend DH against everyone saying why can't he be arsed to go and get her! He drives up there for nearly 4 hours, picks her up, turns right round and comes back home again. It is pretty gruelling. And yes, in theory, it's one-on-one time, but he does half the drive alone and now she's 14 I think she has headphones jammed on most of the time on the way back.

So it's your idea then.

merry - you're not missing much!

Yes, Serin, it was my idea.

TIAGE, I didn't think I was !

I am happy with my lack of train-catching skillz

Would it be less gruelling for him to take the train both ways? You can get good deals on advance fares.

Trains are lovely, MFC

on pre booked and therefore cheaper than rack rate first class

My son took the train from Edinburgh to Aberdeen and back on his own at that age. That's a 130 miles.

He was actually going to a stop further on from Aberdeen on the Inverness line. I can't recall now if he did the change of trains at Aberdeen or if the relatives he was visiting picked him up and dropped him off in Aberdeen.

I think I would love it, TDOS

on a girls day trip out ie. not on my own (and someone else to understand the timetables/platforms/concept of north versus south and east versus west/what to do if it goes tits-up)

with champers

He should get the train. It'll be quicker and easier for him and it's the best way to teach her/give her the confidence to do it by herself.

I used to fly to South America by myself when I was 14 (actually from 13, the youngest they'll let you not be an unaccompanied minor). Involved two changes, with about 6 hour wait in one airport (Frankfurt) and 2 in another (Caracas). Having said that though, I knew both airports really well and had flown long-haul a LOT by that age, so I think for me it would depend on your DSD - how much train travel has she done, and how sensible is she?

Birmingham is a sod of a station to change at, way too many platforms and staff who haven't a clue. Plus, unlike when I was hopping around the country at 14 on BR, there'd be a problem if she missed a connection for any reason as I presume you'd want to book her a cheap ticket.
I don't know about your OH, but I drive a 360 mile trip every two months, in a day. It's on the motorway, I start early and have a decent break before the return, and I'm fine with it. Despite the advanced age of both the driver and the car.
So YABU, and he shouldn't be complaining. As some have pointed out, car journeys are a good opportunity to share conversation,music and whatnot.

Birmingham New Street?

Honestly, don't.

I use public transport exclusively so I'm not coming at this from a point of view that I'm 'icky' about it . New Street is in the middle of a massive refurbishment and even though I use it regularly it's really disorientating and everyone is packed into really small bits in use. When it's busy, it's heaving and quite hard to spot the arrival/departure boards to see where you need to be.

Plus it's full of people just as confused and frustrated!

I would concede to picking her up from there to cut down his journey (If Birmingham International - NEC Arena - was on that train route that'd be easier from a car parking/motorway pov) as getting the hell out is a lot easier than trying to get your next train.

I it a straight trip or does it involve changes? I used to travel weekly between Devon and London aged 15, in the olden days before phones (did have a walkman). I used to take the bus at one end for the final bit of the journey, although was picked up at the other end.

Unless it involves lots of complicated changes I can't see the problem.

Completely wrong about changing at Birmingham - have just checked the trains and she wouldn't have to.

I think its fine at that age for direct train journey or a coach journey but not ideal if need changes especially at train stations as that can be stressful. I did at 14 (3 hour coach journey, friend's mum collecting me off coach) and that was before mobiles which would help if she needed to make contact.

If there isn't a direct train maybe can find a compromise eg DH collects her from a station to where she can get a direct train, and that he actually is waiting on platform for her.

if she would have to change at new street and she doesnt know it, it would not be fair at all.
what if, as someone else suggested, her dad goes on the train to get her and shows her how to make the journey for herself next time?

I am considering sending my 9 and 11yr olds on a plane to visit their GPs in Germany next year, so don't think that a 200mile trip is too difficult for a 14yr old.

Think him meeting her in Birmingham the first few times is a good idea, so that she knows where she is going.

Is she confident enough to ask for assistance if there is a problem eg the train arrives late?