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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my 14-year-old stepDD really should be able to take the bus/train on her own to visit us?

418 replies

cinnamontoast · 18/12/2013 21:35

DH complains about having to drive a round trip of nearly 400 miles in the school holidays to bring her down to visit, but won't contemplate her using public transport. At her age I was happily getting the train on my own to visit relatives at the other end of the country - and I didn't have a mobile. Surely learning to travel independently is an important life skill?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 18/12/2013 21:48

I have friends who have dc that live 200 miles away and they regularly get the train solo to visit. TBH I thought it was the norma and see no reason why you wouldn't travel alone at this age.

CallMeNancy · 18/12/2013 21:48

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sighbynight · 18/12/2013 21:49

I was travelling to south east Asia and back by myself at that age. Not on the train obviously.

FrauMoose · 18/12/2013 21:50

In my city many young people of that age are regularly using buses and trains to get to and from school as well as to go shopping in the city centre.

Travelling from one city to another on the train can be more comfortable and pleasant, than these local journeys.

Even if your partner's daughter normally walks - or is driven - to school, I think it's useful to get them more used to doing some independent travelling. It's really only a few more years before they are either in the world of work, or in further education and need to have a bit more get up and go.

People who normally travel everywhere by car sometimes over-estimate the supposed 'dangers' involved in public transport. But the most likely scenario - being very very bored by other people's mobile conversations - is irritating not dangerous! Statistically long motorway journeys where there is just one adult, driving the whole way probably pose very considerably greater dangers.

Norudeshitrequired · 18/12/2013 21:50

Okay, I have reread the OP and realised that it's your DH complaining about the journey. You should tell him to stop complaining about having to make the effort to maintain contact with his daughter. It's his daughter, he should be grateful that at 14 she hasn't fobbed him off in favour of her mates. Tell him to make the most of it.

OutragedFromLeeds · 18/12/2013 21:51

I'm sure she is able to.

Does she want to though? Maybe she likes the time to chat with her Dad? Maybe she's a bit nervous about travelling by herself?

If it was a regular thing I'd push her to do it alone, but if it's only school holidays I'd put up with it for a little while longer.

Could she bring a friend to stay so she can do the train trip with someone?

Norudeshitrequired · 18/12/2013 21:52

Out of curiosity because I'm a nosey cow who likes details who moved 200 miles away, was it your husband or his ex?
If he moved then it's his fault that he has to make such a long journey.

Mattissy · 18/12/2013 21:55

I used to do it when I was 14, I was fine and I was a pretty immature 14 too.

NigellasDealer · 18/12/2013 21:59

the thing is she may never have used public transport (if her parents will not contemplate her using it ) there are many children like this, they would have no idea what to do if a train was cancelled or they had to use a phonebox. and it is not even their own fault, it is their parents who have driven them around all their lives.

ProphetOfDoom · 18/12/2013 22:00

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 18/12/2013 22:00

This is my kids, ND, and this is also me

I don't know how to catch a train Xmas Shock

AtiaoftheJulii · 18/12/2013 22:01

My parents live 200 miles away and my kids have been doing the train journey since they were 12/13. It has one change, and from when they were 11/12 my mum would come (by train) and meet them at the changing station. Trains are nice to travel on, can't believe the amount of supposed adults here claiming to be scared of such a long journey! I'd much rather sit on a train and read for 4 hours than drive for 4 hours.

But if he complains and yet doesn't want her to go on the train, leave him to it!

RaspberryRuffle · 18/12/2013 22:03

Yes she should be able to get public transport at that age.
If your DH (and her mum) are worried the first time I suggest DH gets public transport to meet her, they travel to you together and she goes back alone having already made the journey. Your DH should not sit with her the entire journey.
Alternatively if this journey involves changes could a compromise be made where she gets a train e.g. halfway and DH collects her from there? SHe feels grown up, she gets car time with her father, and he has a shorter drive.

ProphetOfDoom · 18/12/2013 22:03

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutragedFromLeeds · 18/12/2013 22:04

I think it's really different if there are two of them travelling together.

I don't particularly like travelling on my own (though I can and do).

dyslexicdespot · 18/12/2013 22:05

The drive should be a perfect opportunity for an absent father to spend some time with his daughter. Your DH should be thrilled that she is still willing to spend time with him. I would tell him to suck it up, and enjoy it while it lasts.

CaterpillarCara · 18/12/2013 22:06

I took the train alone at that age. Also planes, but was then a "UM". It was fine but it was only one train, no changes. Also I took the train daily to school, so was probably more used to them. It seems a worthwhile goal to work towards.

curiouselle · 18/12/2013 22:07

It also depends on her street smarts and confidence. If she is attractive and looks older than 14 then it may prove an interesting journey. When I was in my late teens I was chatted up by a guy who just got out of prison that day, was asked about vibrators by some business men who thought they were hysterical and sat on by a guy from a stag do until they they were removed by the police.... not all on the same journey obviously ;)
But also why not be pampered by her Dad if she doesn't see him all the time?!

IamGluezilla · 18/12/2013 22:08

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harticus · 18/12/2013 22:10

200 (it's a 400 mile round trip to collect here

Unless she is teleporting herself back I assume she will be getting the train home again ergo 400 miles.

Hmm
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 18/12/2013 22:12

Have you really never caught a train, merry?

Where do you live?

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 18/12/2013 22:12

Could he go down to met her on the train and travel back with her to show her all changes etc?

Would she be able to carry all her stuff for the stay?

My niece is 14, I'm not sure she'd want to do that trip on her own, she'd do it with a mate though.

NigellasDealer · 18/12/2013 22:15

tbh my daughter of 15 wouldn't want to do it alone either, he is her dad so he should stop moaning and go and get her, as he has never shown her how to use public transport.

serin · 18/12/2013 22:16

Poor kid, what an inconvenience to him she must feel. If that was me going to pick up a DD I hadn't seen for a while I would be relishing going to get her and having some quality time together to chat on the way back.

Original poster
cinnamontoast · 18/12/2013 22:17

Thanks for your opinions, everyone - really useful. Can I just stress it's a 200-mile trip, not 400 (it's a 400-mile round trip). She'd probably have to change at Birmingham. DH meeting her at the change point is a good idea - thanks to those who suggested it.
norudeshitrequired - I'm nosy too! He didn't move away, they never lived together - SDD's mother came down to visit twice 14 years ago and lo and behold ... He thinks she deliberately discarded him once she was pregnant. He had to fight for years to maintain contact and now sees his DD regularly. It is a pretty punishing journey though, which is why I suggested she was old enough to get public transport.

OP posts: