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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my 14-year-old stepDD really should be able to take the bus/train on her own to visit us?

418 replies

cinnamontoast · 18/12/2013 21:35

DH complains about having to drive a round trip of nearly 400 miles in the school holidays to bring her down to visit, but won't contemplate her using public transport. At her age I was happily getting the train on my own to visit relatives at the other end of the country - and I didn't have a mobile. Surely learning to travel independently is an important life skill?

OP posts:

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 19/12/2013 15:14

thebody No? Not on a train, anyway.

ExcuseTypos · 19/12/2013 15:24

I've been sexually harnessed on trains several times.

I was 19 the first time and really shaken by it. I don't want it to happen to my dc at any age, but definitely not at 14.

FrauMoose · 19/12/2013 15:32

I'd suggest that if anyone is serious about minimising the chances of anyone trying to sexually harrass their teenage daughters, that they don't permit them to enter higher education.

www.theguardian.com/education/2013/nov/05/sexual-harassment-clubs-students

Saudi Arabia! Now there's a society where women are properly protected. Why don't those of us who are worried move there....

(I am not trivialising the distress caused by harassment and abuse. But I think we do need to help our children to learn to be confident and independent, to assess risk for themselves, and to know how to enlist help if they are unsure what to do.)

Strangetownblues · 19/12/2013 15:43

The average 18-21 year old is far better equipped to cope with misogyny and abuse from other adults than the average 14 year old child.

larrygrylls · 19/12/2013 15:47

Strange,

Sure, and the average 35 year old is far better able to cope with it than the average 18-21 year old, but so what? Do you want to keep your children in gilded cages until they are adults?

And if you never let them do anything independently, how on earth will they learn to cope with life?

MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw · 19/12/2013 15:48

I've never been sexually harnessed on a train! Some people do lead exciting lives.

FrauMoose · 19/12/2013 15:51

Yes, but one can discuss strategies.

If someone near you is unpleasant you get up, you move, you find somewhere else to sit or stand. You find the ticket collector. You say in a loud voice, 'Stop that.'

In my case as a teenager - and I am far from unusual in this - the misogyny and abuse happened at home. I was safer when out.

Strangetownblues · 19/12/2013 15:58

Not wanting to expose a 14 year old to the risk of harm or abusive behaviour is not keeping them in a gilded cage. There is more difference in the coping strategies between a 14 year old child and a 18-21 year old ADULT than there is between two ADULTS of different ages.

Some 14 year olds 'freeze' or try to ignore what's going on rather than ask for help. They could no more shout 'stop that!' than fly to the moon. I wonder how many posters saying these things actually have teenagers of that age, or ever have? Lots of posters seem to be talking about when THEY were teenagers and not their own parental experiences.

thebody · 19/12/2013 16:04

Er sorry I wasn't saying specifically on a train but in a public place.

I would be amazed if one person on here said they had NEVER been either assalted verbally or physically to some degree at some point in their lives.

I don't think 'keeping children in guilded cages' is a sensible comment. What you allow your child to do depends in each individual circumstance and each child.

thebody · 19/12/2013 16:05

Er sorry I wasn't saying specifically on a train but in a public place.

I would be amazed if one person on here said they had NEVER been either assalted verbally or physically to some degree at some point in their lives.

I don't think 'keeping children in guilded cages' is a sensible comment. What you allow your child to do depends in each individual circumstance and each child.

Bunbaker · 19/12/2013 16:06

I also think that the smug parents of children who travel alone when barely our of toddlerhood think that all children are like their own.

Clearly they are not. DD (13) is not very confident and would hate the idea of travelling on her own by train. I encourage her to be independent and let her go round town on her own with a friend, leave her at the swimming pool/cinema/shopping centre with her friends for several hours, but she will not catch a bus or train into town on her own.

larrygrylls · 19/12/2013 16:09

"I don't think 'keeping children in guilded cages' is a sensible comment. What you allow your child to do depends in each individual circumstance and each child."

Well, you are entitled to your opinion and I am entitled to mine. I do believe that not allowing a 14 year old to sit in a train by herself between being dropped off at one end and picked up by a caring adult by the other IS keeping the said child in a gilded cage.

Clearly what people allow their children to do depends on individual circumstances. However unless the said child has a particular phobia or has a SEN, then they can take a train by themselves without being exposed to a meaningful likelihood of danger.

At what point can one say that a parent is being overprotective? Never? And, if so, this entire thread is meaningless. The OP asked for comments and got them.

thebody · 19/12/2013 16:11

frauMoose I have 2 teenage dds and 2 grown up lads.

All sensible parents talk to their kids about strategies?

Of course you do.

Higher education when I last looked starts at 18 so that is an adult.

Huge difference.

Abra1d · 19/12/2013 16:15

Both my children have travelled hundreds of miles from about 13 onwards by train or plane.

Abra1d · 19/12/2013 16:17

And we didn't have chaperones on the plane or minders. My daughter, a tiny 13-year-old, knew exactly what to do if there was trouble--find an adult in uniform or someone in a shop/behind the train's buffet/nice-looking lady/mother. Usually people are very, very kind to children by themselves.

ExcuseTypos · 19/12/2013 16:20

larry
"And if you never let them do anything independently, how on earth will they learn to cope with life?"

Huge leap there Larry, from posters saying their 14 year olds aren't ready to travel long distances, alone, you take that to mean "never letting them do anything independently".

Strange.

Original poster

cinnamontoast · 19/12/2013 16:20

What IS this idea that every time a woman/girl goes out on her own she has to face the prospect of abuse? Yes, it happens, but generally we live in a very safe society. My DD is 12 and every time she leaves the house (to get the bus to school, go into town, visit her dad etc etc) I worry - of course I do. But that doesn't mean I should stop her going. She is sensible, we've talked about what to do if something goes wrong, and I've seen her grow in confidence as she becomes more independent. It is my job to allow her to do that, no matter how much I would like to keep her indoors. And I speak as the kind of mother who automatically imagines the worst every time she nips out to the postbox.
I would hate her or DSD to think that travelling on a train was tantamount to parading up and down the Bois de Boulogne at 3a.m. Trains are generally fun, friendly and full of nice people, not potential rapists.

OP posts:

larrygrylls · 19/12/2013 16:20

Abraid,

I am surprised she managed to get away without a chaperone on a plane. My goddaughter, whom I used to drop off at the airport (her parents lived abroad), was desperate to travel without a chaperone but the airline's policy made her have (and pay for) one.

larrygrylls · 19/12/2013 16:23

"Huge leap there Larry, from posters saying their 14 year olds aren't ready to travel long distances, alone, you take that to mean "never letting them do anything independently"."

Really?

It is not the distance that is an issue, though, is it? Why is distance an issue? If they were expected to do 6 changes and then navigate around the London tube, I could see why that might be daunting at 14 (although I did it from 12 onwards, as did all my friends). How can being dropped off and sitting and reading for a couple of hours be a major challenge? It seems a lot easier than the DOE awards which a lot of teenagers take within their stride.

thebody · 19/12/2013 16:30

Fantastic good on you and your dds for travelling by train and plane all over the place. Not being sarcastic that's great. For you.

Please can you not assume though that those of us who wouldn't let our own dds do this are somehow whack jobs who keep our dds locked away from all society.

All families operate differently. Risk is predicated on our own experiences, personal circumstances and the 'wanting to do it'

My 14 year old dd would be extremely distressed to make a long train journey like this by herself so I wouldn't make her.

What's not to understand.

Arguing this is as stupid as breast v bottle debate.

What suits one family doesn't suit another.

FrauMoose · 19/12/2013 16:31

frauMoose I have 2 teenage dds and 2 grown up lads.
All sensible parents talk to their kids about strategies?
Of course you do. Higher education when I last looked starts at 18 so that is an adult.Huge difference.

Someone upthread was speaking about having been on the receiving end of abuse on public transport at 19 and being distressed by this- and therefore feeling that they could not possibly let any child of hers who was younger than this travel alone.

The point I was making was that those of us whose children are expected to be independent young people by their late teens - working or studying in higher education - cannot be chaperoning them to and from work, or throughout their studies.

So the earlier teenage years should for all of us be a time of preparing our children for adulthood. Of course teenagers will vary in their confidence and some parents will feel much more nervous than others about letting their children (metaphorically) take short flights from the nest

ExcuseTypos · 19/12/2013 16:31

Ok let me explain. If some one on here posts that their 14 year old isn't ready to travel 200 miles, on their own, that does not mean the child doesn't do anything independently.

thebody · 19/12/2013 16:31

To add no one is wrong or right here either.

ExcuseTypos · 19/12/2013 16:32

Hat was to Larry

ExcuseTypos · 19/12/2013 16:38

I don't agree Frau My DDs didn't travel alone at 14. However they were confidently travelling alone, long distances by the time they were 16/17. The age you start to let them be that independent depends on many factors.

Just because your child was able to confidently do it at 14, doesn't mean every other child is. Why is that sooooo difficult to comprehend?

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