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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my 14-year-old stepDD really should be able to take the bus/train on her own to visit us?

418 replies

cinnamontoast · 18/12/2013 21:35

DH complains about having to drive a round trip of nearly 400 miles in the school holidays to bring her down to visit, but won't contemplate her using public transport. At her age I was happily getting the train on my own to visit relatives at the other end of the country - and I didn't have a mobile. Surely learning to travel independently is an important life skill?

OP posts:
thebody · 19/12/2013 16:45

frau didn't see that comment but obviously the poster can't control a 19 year old adult.

Your last paragraph is totally the same as I have said up thread.

larrygrylls · 19/12/2013 16:45

TheBody,

"My 14 year old dd would be extremely distressed to make a long train journey like this by herself so I wouldn't make her."

What would you do if your daughter needed to make a long trip and you neither had the money to "book first class" (your comment upthread) or 400 miles worth of fuel money?

Should teenagers never have to be encouraged/pushed into anything that they don't want to do?

thebody · 19/12/2013 16:49

Er she wouldn't go!

What a ridiculous question.

NigellasDealer · 19/12/2013 16:49

I wouldn't push my dd14 into doing that, she is small and vague looking, doesn't know north from south and peers around the place like a dormouse, and I would have serious worries for her safety if sending her off on a trip like that...
she will be fine in a couple of years, they are all different.
her twin bro on the other hand i would happily send on a trip across Europe alone. and no that is not cos he is a boy, they are just different.

FrauMoose · 19/12/2013 16:49

There are a lot of variants to do with geography. I live a few miles outside a major regional city. There are good bus service and train services. Although my daughter walks to school, many of her friends takes buses and trains. Roads into the city centre are congested, city centre parking is expensive, and both my partner and I use public transport for some journeys. (We share a car.)

So solo traveling began for my daughter when she wanted to see friends who didn't live locally. A key step was when at - 13 I think - she wanted to see a friend who lived a bus ride away on a day when I was far too busy to drive her there. I said, 'If you really want to see X you will have to take the bus yourself.' She was quite unconfident but did want to see X and did. She rang X on the bus, who talked her through when to get off. After that she was a lot more postive about buses.

There was a similar process with trains. A time came when she couldn't be accompanied, and there were some nerves, but the journey was done.

I think living in a city changes things in other ways too. We live in a pleasant but not posh area. My daughter is used to seeing people on the street and on the bus who may be drug users and/or have psychiatric problems. She understands that such people are vulnerable and unlikely to harm her. Even people who are shouting out loud are confused and unlikely to be aggressive towards her. They are just part of humanity.

Abra1d · 19/12/2013 16:50

larrygrylls depends on the airline. BA are fine from 13. Easyjet from 14.

larrygrylls · 19/12/2013 16:51

Abraid,

It was BA and she was 14/15. It was long haul, though. Maybe that is different.

ExcuseTypos · 19/12/2013 16:52

Again you're making huge leaps Larry. There may be very valid reason why a TheBody's 14 year wouldn't be happy to do a long journey on ther own.

That does NOT mean "teenagers never have to be encouraged/pushed into anything that they don't want to" you're just writing nonsense.

For what it's worth my own dd didn't travel long distances until she was 18. She used to have panic attacks on the school bus and would I would receive phone calls from her school. There was a very valid reason for this, which I'm not going to explain here. But again I say why do people find it hard to understand every child is different?

It really pisses me off that people are so blinkered.

Original poster
cinnamontoast · 19/12/2013 16:52

Bizarre idea that first-class travel is somehow safer. I've done it a couple of times and the carriage is virtually empty. Plus I really don't think that there's any connection between the amount people pay for their seat and the likelihood of them being anti-social/abusive.

OP posts:
thebody · 19/12/2013 16:52

ExcuseTypos agree totally.

I am not sure if some posters feel those of us who wouldnt choose to do this are criticising those who do?

I certainly couldn't give a crap what you think is ok for your child so can't resist see why you care what others do.

The op asked for views and obviously we all differ.

larrygrylls · 19/12/2013 16:54

ExcuseTypos,

"It really pisses me off that people are so blinkered."

It sounds like your daughter had a very specific issue which prevented her from travelling. That is not what this thread is about, otherwise the OP would have stated it.

It pisses me off that people try to change the debate by bringing in spurious factors unrelated to the OP. This thread is about a 14 year old girl with no specific travel related phobias or special needs.

thebody · 19/12/2013 16:55

First class tends to get far more attention from the staff. I wasn't assuming the passengers are less likely to harass anyone else. That would be hilarious.

comingintomyown · 19/12/2013 16:55

I travelled alone via trains and a ferry to France at that age no problem

I agree though the journey would be good for them to catch up if she's anything like my 14 yo DD and her Dad

SilverApples · 19/12/2013 16:57

This is sort of reminding me of all the times we have driving threads on here, and the number of women who either can't drive or have a fit of the vapours at the idea of using the motorways.
Most of the posters accept the fact that some women do and some women don't and it's ok for them to stay within their comfort zones.
Some are ready, some aren't. Some will never be able to if they don't have a go, and build their confidence. Some need more preparation than others.

thebody · 19/12/2013 16:58

larry honestly don't understand your point at all. What's ok for your child is ok for your child is great.

The op asked if we thought it was ok for a 14 year old girl to travel alone on a long train journey? Yes?

Some if think it's ok and some not.

What don't you understand about that?

ExcuseTypos · 19/12/2013 17:00

Larry How do you know the OPs SD has "no specific travel related phobias or SNs"? Confused

larrygrylls · 19/12/2013 17:03

Because she would have said so.

ivykaty44 · 19/12/2013 17:06

Do those of you that think it is not a good idea to get a teen to travel alone- do you ever encourage your dc to do something that perhaps you are yourselves worried about but they are not? What if your teens ask to do a train trip - do you tell them they are not allowed because they are not capable of negotiating something like that? How do you prevent them and how do you weigh up what they can achieve and can't achieve?

everlong · 19/12/2013 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 19/12/2013 17:09

She didn't say the girl wanted to either which would probably been far more to the point.

For me if the 14 year old didn't want to then that would be that.

thebody · 19/12/2013 17:15

ivyKaty

Your points have all been covered in posts but will put my side here.

My dd does use transport.

If she doesn't feel comfortable doing things then we wait until she is.

She certainly wouldn't do a 200 mile train journey as she would not be confident yet.

I really don't understand then your comment how do you prevent them? no one is!

Original poster
cinnamontoast · 19/12/2013 17:17

We haven't asked her, everlong - DH refused to contemplate the idea or discuss it with her or her mother. Which is why I was canvassing opinion on what people thought generally about 14-yr-olds travelling alone. It's no big deal to me either way, and certainly if he won't contemplate it then he should skippetty-skip to the car when embarking on the long journey rather than complaining about it (though to be fair to him, he does have a bad knee that is made worse by driving for long periods).
I feel this topic has been well and truly covered now!

OP posts:
thebody · 19/12/2013 17:18

How bizarre that some people feel one size fits all!

Children don't all walk at the same age or talk at the same age so why on earth would every 14 year old in the world cope with a long train journey?

Some would and some wouldn't. Doesn't mean those that do are somehow a product of superior parenting skills.

Hilarious.

everlong · 19/12/2013 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larrygrylls · 19/12/2013 17:21

It is equally hilarious to assume parenting has zero effect on a child's attitudes and enthusiasms.