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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my 14-year-old stepDD really should be able to take the bus/train on her own to visit us?

418 replies

cinnamontoast · 18/12/2013 21:35

DH complains about having to drive a round trip of nearly 400 miles in the school holidays to bring her down to visit, but won't contemplate her using public transport. At her age I was happily getting the train on my own to visit relatives at the other end of the country - and I didn't have a mobile. Surely learning to travel independently is an important life skill?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 19/12/2013 17:22

the body, you don't say what type of transport your dc uses - bike, train, bus, private car. As for you don't understand how to prevent them - does your dc never ask to do something that you don't want them to do then?

cinnamontoast · 19/12/2013 17:25

Everlong, he suggested I put it out to the MN jury!

OP posts:
SilverApples · 19/12/2013 17:28

'do you tell them they are not allowed because they are not capable of negotiating something like that? How do you prevent them and how do you weigh up what they can achieve and can't achieve?'

In my family it's known as a Thunderbirds ticket.
You train them and skill them up as much as you can, you encourage them to try things you know they can manage and some you and they are not sure of.
You discuss situations, and their plans and their backup plans, and point out significant problems and doubts. They are an active part of the discussion, and you listen at least as much as you talk, if not more.
And you promise that if they are ever truly in the shit, then you will come for them. Wherever and whenever, Thunderbirds Are Go.

cinnamontoast · 19/12/2013 17:33

That's something I've always stressed to my DCs, SilverApples. If something goes wrong, then no matter whose fault it is, or where you are or how late it is, we will come and get you, so phone us.

OP posts:
everlong · 19/12/2013 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 19/12/2013 17:40

"It is equally hilarious to assume parenting has zero effect on a child's attitudes and enthusiasms."

Where has anyone argued that?

SilverApples · 19/12/2013 17:44

Mine have never abused it, cinnamontoast, used it a few times.
It helps them be problem-solvers with more confidence, if they aren't panicking and thinking 'ohfuckwhatdoIdonowwwwwww'

cinnamontoast · 19/12/2013 17:46

Don't you think it's good that he was prepared to canvas opinion on it, everlong, even though he was reluctant to do it? His initial reaction was that it was out of the question, I said that was unreasonable and he ought to at least consider it/talk to his ex/talk to his DD and we discussed it and that's how MN came up.

OP posts:
everlong · 19/12/2013 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cinnamontoast · 19/12/2013 17:48

Yes, SilverApples, we should be teaching them to problem solve. One of my favourite parenting quotes is something along the lines of, We can't always protect our children from things going wrong but we can give them the tools to cope when they do.

OP posts:
friday16 · 19/12/2013 17:50

cinnamontoast

Summary of thread: some people think it's reasonable, and people who don't allow/encourage their children to travel solo are too protective. Some people think it's unreasonable, and people who do allow/encourage their children to travel solo are not protective enough. There were some disagreements. No-one changed their mind.

cinnamontoast · 19/12/2013 18:00

Thank you friday16. 14 pages in 4 lines! The other important point, I think, is that it depends on the teenager to some extent.

Fwiw, I think DH will accept that he's probably being unreasonable but still refuse to contemplate it or discuss it with DSD's mother (of whom he is quite scared). So I will chastise him severely if he complains about the drive again.

OP posts:
thebody · 19/12/2013 18:01

AskBasilAbiutcranberrysauce exactly.

Very strange.

ivykaty she uses all forms of transport apart from a byke.. Er why?

I have always encouraged all of my children to go for things, I have 2 fully functioning adult kids as well as the teen girls.

If they want to have a go and we think it's a sensible request then they do it, sometimes it works out and sometimes not so good, ds drunken party at 15!! Wink

But if they arnt comfortable or confident them they don't.

I am desperately struggling to see your points here.

thebody · 19/12/2013 18:03

AskBasilAbiutcranberrysauce exactly.

Very strange.

ivykaty she uses all forms of transport apart from a byke.. Er why?

I have always encouraged all of my children to go for things, I have 2 fully functioning adult kids as well as the teen girls.

If they want to have a go and we think it's a sensible request then they do it, sometimes it works out and sometimes not so good, ds drunken party at 15!! Wink

But if they arnt comfortable or confident them they don't.

I am desperately struggling to see your points here.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 19/12/2013 18:05

I think with me it would depend -

How often does she come up to stay with her Dad and how long for each time?

IF it was every weekend, I would say the situation would be unsustainable with her Dad having to drive all the way up there and it would be a lot better on public transport. Especially if she is only staying for a night.

However, if it was once a month or less often, I'd say it would be fine for your partner to drive up and get her, as it's not too regular.

ivykaty44 · 19/12/2013 18:10

body - the question was do your dc ask to do things that you don't want them to - in the way of travelling- and how do you proven them if you don't want them to do this.

Sorry but I didn't see the question as difficult and you didn't understand it so I repeated the question

I thought possibly you were thinking of other types of transport - so thus the question as it is wrong to assume the type of transport when others maybe in the other posters mind, therefore I asked so I had a clear picture

thebody · 19/12/2013 19:05

I think you are probably making this personal to my dd because of my posts on other subjects.

My older dds would probably have felt comfortable doing a long train journey so we would have let them.

Dd3 would not ask as she would not want to.

Dd3 is 13 so too young.

Still don't get your point.

thebody · 19/12/2013 19:15

Older dss sorry.

To clarify our parenting style is encouraging ours to have a go, provide the tools and help but not push, they jump.

If they don't want to they don't.

Think exhausted the subject now anyway.Grin

thebody · 19/12/2013 19:17

Older dss sorry.

To clarify our parenting style is encouraging ours to have a go, provide the tools and help but not push, they jump.

If they don't want to they don't.

Think exhausted the subject now anyway.Grin

FrauMoose · 19/12/2013 19:31

Why is it about grades? This might sound a stupid question, but it's one that I've asked about my two - very different - stepchildren and also about my 16 year old daughter.

Why don't we talk about their characters, their gifts, their personal qualities?

And also why do we delude ourselves that a set of exam results - taken in a period when our children are still maturing - will fix their future in stone?

My stepdaughter has always been very good with people, and has a talent for friendship. She was the sort who'd do enough work to keep out of trouble, but was not very ambitious. For a long time she rather drifted along in the shadow of her brother who was considered - by their mother - to be the bright one. She was pleased with her okayish GCSEs - Bs and Cs. Then she went to sixth form college and decided to apply to lots of very sought after universities, but - given the so-so GCSEs - ony got offers from a couple of them. She dropped a grade in her A-levels, but her first choice university still offered her a place.

After a couple of terms she had to change degree course, as she'd not been able to get a modern language up to the require standard. Towards the end of her university degree she decided she wanted to teach. She applied for Teach First and didn't get it.

She then spent a year working part-time as a Learning Support assistant, but got offered increased hours as she did well in this role. After that she did a PGCE at a well-regarded university where in her final placement she was rated as excellent.

She's now doing well in her first teaching job. I suspect she'll flourish as a teacher.

Bit of a long story. The point is that I think it's important to remember that growing up has all sorts of twists and turns, and what matters is the young person her/himself finding out what they want. While we can offer encouragement and support, ultimately this is something they have to do for themselves.

FrauMoose · 19/12/2013 19:31

Sorry wrong thread. I have a cold.

pixiepotter · 19/12/2013 22:22

why is it better they learn to do these things at 13/14 when they won't be as well-equipped to deal with a bad situation, as they would be at 16/17.
What is the rush?

phantomnamechanger · 19/12/2013 22:34

what pixie said.... IMO there is no rush to do a marathon, little jogs now and then, short trips, build up their confidence then tackle something harder when they are older and a bit wsier

thebody · 20/12/2013 00:01

Exactly ^

WidowWadman · 20/12/2013 06:45

pixiepotter - why do you think that a 16/17 would be better equipped to use public transport? Being equipped to deal with someting is not something that age magically bestows on you, but something that comes with experience.