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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't the child's fault if they haven't got a nativity costume?

161 replies

Onelittlebugbear · 16/12/2013 14:55

I volunteer in a school and was in year1 today. Out of the class three children did not have costumes. One had tried to make herself a sheep mask (badly) and was obviously really upset that no one had bought her a costume. The area is really deprived and I can easily believe that money would be too tight for some families to buy sheep / angel / star costumes.

The teachers went on at these children 'why haven't you got a costume? What are you going to do now? The play is this week, we need to practice in our costumes.' Two children said their parents had outright said they weren't providing costumes at which staff sighed. All the children were obviously upset and two started misbehaving. All this was said in front of their costume wearing peers.

Aibu to think that at 5 or 6 it isn't the child's fault they haven't a costume? I know it's a hassle for the teachers because they have to try and find something for them but it isn't the child's fault no matter how frustrating it is for staff.
It made my heart a bit sad.

OP posts:
Lovepancakes · 16/12/2013 15:17

Yanbu. I totally agree. In fact there's one little girl in DD's class I always 'look out for' as she has a tough time and so does her single parent who doesn't really notice it's hard for her to not have a costume for example when everyone else does. Their first year I bought her one too as she was the same as DD and I never mentioned it other than to say I was ordering anyway. But I still notice if she misses anything as remember being that child who was different (I once had the wrong swimming cap in a sea of 80 'right' ones and it felt awful!)

NoComet · 16/12/2013 15:17

That's really horrible
Nativity costumes are a dreadful waste, it would make sense for schools to ask parents to donate out grown ones and make up a set over a few years.

Trouble is most primaries have absolutely no storage.

I remember the flap caused by a learning to cook drive. The school had a grant and some PTA money to buy some baby Bellings, pans bowls etc. but finding somewhere to put them was far more difficult.

natwebb79 · 16/12/2013 15:19

I was told off at Junior School for not having a Victorian Day costume. Every time I asked my mum she was so stressed with work/being skint she fobbed me off and every day I didn't have it they told me off in front of all my friends. They ended up very huffily and publicly asking other children if they had any spare bits and bobs I could borrow. I was mortified and it really angers me looking back on it.

Tailtwister · 16/12/2013 15:19

It's not just about family budgets either (though that as well) - some families don't have the organisational capacity/other skills needed to make costumes

^Exactly! There are lots of reasons why their parents haven't provided a costume and in any case it should be the school's responsibility. The costumes don't need to be bought and can be made quite simply. DS1's costume was made out of an old pillow case (cuts made for arm holes) and a mask made in class. Some of the 'principal' parts had bought costumes which are kept year after year.

Original poster
Onelittlebugbear · 16/12/2013 15:21

I didn't feel I could do much as I'm only a volunteer. I spoke to the children in question and tried to suggest things we could use / make. I just felt so sorry for them. They looked so dejected.
I will mention it to the head I think. I will have a think how to phrase it tactfully.

OP posts:
LastOneDancing · 16/12/2013 15:26

I want to make a sheep costume for that little girl who tried to make her own mask Sad

That image has hit me square in the hormones...

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/12/2013 15:26

I agree OP.

Why dont they make their own masks during class time? One hour long session would do it.

I'll admit i'm a bit sensitive about this as ds(8) got shouted at for not having costume in on time. It was entirely my fault. He had told me i enough time but then i took a bad cold and developed a sinus i infection and was off my feet for two weeks, i was using every bit of strength to get dcs to school fed and clean in the mornings, my best friend was doing my washing and making some meals. The costume went right out of my head. Of course how do you expect an 8 year old to be able to explain all this infront of his class to ateacher? I still feel awful that he got shouted at for it. He had enough on his plate with me being ill and having to do a lot more for himself and brother.

SilverApples · 16/12/2013 15:28

I once had a choir of angels, all wearing my OH's white T-shirts, whilst the Romans were all wearing my black ones. Grin
We also had no teatowels for a week.
I was astonished when the whole 'buying costumes from the internet' became a thing.

Original poster
Onelittlebugbear · 16/12/2013 15:29

I know lastone I had a lump in my throat too.

OP posts:
JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 16/12/2013 15:34

Silly Billy's post is such a perfect example of why it should remain the school's responsibility - though asking for parental help as appropriate.
My DCs school was great I have to say with a mixture of costumes supplied by school or asked for from parents - even so I think they could perhaps have been even more flexible.

nennypops · 16/12/2013 15:47

It's not just a matter of whether the parents can afford it, there could be other factors. I can well remember a music teacher shouting at my daughter because she hadn't got a larger size violin at a time when I was very fully occupied due to my father's serious illness - dd told her that but she shouted that it was no excuse. I'm pleased to say the music teacher was made fully aware of how appalling her conduct was, and lost a pupil as a result.

MrsOakenshield · 16/12/2013 15:54

my sister is currently running around like a blue-arsed fly looking for a Christmas jumper and a party dress for themed days at my niece's school. Niece doesn't even want these garments! And sister and BIL both work full time and it's just before Christmas and money is tight, as it is with everyone this time of year. But they understandably don't want her to be the only one wearing something different.

I would really love for someone from a school to come on and explain the meaning behind this kind of nonsense.

wigglesrock · 16/12/2013 15:57

My daughters primary school provides costumes for the big roles - Mary, Joseph, angels, donkeys, inn keepers, camels etc.

Every child has a part, so if you are not wearing a school costume, you wear tights/ leggings with a big shirt buttoned up the back & tinsel round the waist.

SilverApples · 16/12/2013 15:59

'I would really love for someone from a school to come on and explain the meaning behind this kind of nonsense.'

No good asking me, I'm an old-fashioned sort of teacher. We've always had plays and assemblies and performances, they just never used to have to be such incredibly overt Oscar-worthy nonsense. They were done for fun, and for the children and their families.
I'm as befuddled as the rest of you.
I also think that if you are asking for stuff, you should give at least a month's advance warning, and deal with problems way in advance.

agendabender · 16/12/2013 16:00

Oh dear, this has made me cry (I'm 35 weeks plus, it doesn't take much). The teacher has lost the plot! They probably feel horrible, but I'd still pop a little note to the head, or mention it in person if you could. Those poor children! My mother never bothered to make costumes, and never came to my plays etc, so she probably never noticed!

pomdereplay · 16/12/2013 16:04

Please do talk to the headteacher, OP. They need to be aware that certain members of staff are so woefully lacking in empathy.

I would've thought empathy would be an absolutely vital quality in any teacher; the ability to recognise that each child in that class has their own home life and individual needs/vulnerabilities. If, when organising a group activity such as a school play, your first question as a teacher isn't 'will every child feel able to participate and feel included?', in my opinion, you're in the wrong bloody profession. Sad

tallulah · 16/12/2013 16:04

That's awful. Our nativity is tonight and all the costumes are provided by school (and recycled year on year). We are also in a deprived area.

I could go out and buy one but wouldn't have a clue how to make something, and a lot of our parents couldn't do either.

thebody · 16/12/2013 16:06

sounds horrible op. I work in a school and we tell parents if they can provide all good but if not then let us know and we will make one.

the making if costumes in class is fun anyway and a good learning opportunity.

LtEveDallas · 16/12/2013 16:06

Oh, we've got to do the same MrsOakenshield - it's a charity (save the children?) thing I think.

DD's school are a bugger for dressing up, but the nativity is always with costumes provided. Dyed old bedsheets in abundance. Every year if I have made or bought DD a costume for a themed assembley (we've had pirates, vikings and spacemen so far) I have then 'donated' the costume to the school and I know a lot of other parents do the same.

DSDs school on the other hand was a nightmare, they didn't do nativity, but did a school play instead. 3 years running I was given 24 hours notice to make a costume (her mums fault, not DSDs). The Postbox outfit nearly gave me a breakdown...

I'd have been upset by that as well OP, that was rotten of the teacher. I'd definitely speak to the HT.

WilsonFrickett · 16/12/2013 16:08

Please do talk to the HT OP. PTA may also have funds so perhaps something could be bought for them? That's how it was always done in our last school (lots of DCs with chaotic home lives) and how it should be done.

I would perhaps mention to HT in a 'how can we fix this' way, and if they have half an ounce of empathy or sense they'll work the rest of it out.

SilverApples · 16/12/2013 16:08

I agree pom, however stressful the job, or complicated your home life might be, you should be able to keep it under control when you are dealing with children. And their parents.
You just don't lose the plot.

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX · 16/12/2013 16:11

Remember the nativity at my school in the 60's. Everyone wore their dressing gown with a tea towels on their head. The Angel Gabriel was played by the only girl who took ballet and so she could supply her own ballet tutu. We made the Angel Gabriels wings and a glittery star and decorated 3 shoe boxes for the 3 wise men in class.
There was none of this stuff of buying a costume. Nor was there a christmas elephant in the nativity scene. Ds played him at the age of 4.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 16/12/2013 16:13

No parents should be having to buy costumes IMO!

At my dses school when they were younger a costume consisted of wearing white for an angel, with tinsel on head, or a striped shirt and tea towel for a shepherd!

The main roles the, school had costumes and recycled them each year. When ds1 was a king they had a costume for him.

I've never bought a costume and nor will I! It's not the money, it's the principal. Why would I purchase something that will be worn onceXmas Confused

oscarwilde · 16/12/2013 16:15

That's really dreadful. If a pupil volunteers for a school production at secondary that's one thing but your story is inexcusable.

School provides or they get made in class is my view. A simple mask cut out of the back of a weetabix box should do the job for most things.

Even providing an "invisible" outfit (black/white tshirt and leggings) is often a hassle. How many kids own white leggings ffs!

As for the themed stuff..... my DD has had at least one mufti day per month in her first term of nursery. Thankfully the school seems to have it's head screwed on and outfits were only suggested for CiNeed day.

NewtRipley · 16/12/2013 16:18

YANBU

Teachers letting their frustration with parents/with the end of term out in this way in front of the children isn't fair.