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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to just be bored of it?

233 replies

LimitedEditionLady · 15/12/2013 09:22

I am sure many people share my angst here.I am SICK TO DEATH of asking him to do one sinple job and it taking him seven days with my consistently reminding him to do it for it to get done.He does NOTHING in the house,no diy,nothing and the little jobs like just washing a cup he simply leaves for me.So i say to him yesterday " you know its getting really boring having to remind you constantly" so he tells me im boring for nagging him.Erm....I just asked you to do a simple job and you havent done it as per usual so that your fault is it not?I am just fed up of basically having to run the house,finances,sort out ds alone and looking after a 30 year old man like a teenager.He goes to work but apart from that he does nothing so why is everything my responsibility??aibu.

OP posts:
BillStickersIsInnocent · 18/12/2013 06:20

I love the fact that some of these men might be town planners, engineers, surgeons, IT specialists for example, requiring organising, forward planning and time management, yet at home they become utterly incapable.

Housework is dull as shit and valueless in our society, that's why they don't want to do it.

DH and I split it down the middle but I am constantly on at him. It is getting better now (been together 7 years). I grew up in an equal partnership household, he didn't. I think that has a lot to do with it and I'm damned if our son (and daughter) grows up thinking it's ok not to pull your weight domestically just because you have a penis.

LimitedEditionLady · 18/12/2013 06:54

Hear hear mrs bonkers.
Owl i have asked him to do things....he doesnt do them!i write him a nice note,doesnt do them....

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 18/12/2013 07:20

Maternity leave is to spend time with baby, it is not 'housework leave'. I do think many women take the role of 'I want to make our new house look lovely' when they move in with someone. Then 5 years down the line they resent their partner for not doing anything as the rose tinted glasses have misted. It is something I hope my daughter will not do and something I have discussed with her. It needs to be addresses in the early 'honeymoon' stage of a relationship.

There is no way I would have married my husband if he avoided housework. Very unattractive to marry someone incapable of washing his own pants or who reuses their dirty saucepan. Also very disrespectful that they value their free time over their partners.

OwlinaTree · 18/12/2013 07:45

Your DP is unreasonable if he won't do anything round the house. Mine would probably not respond to a list or note either.

Get a cleaner?

Golddigger · 18/12/2013 08:11

SillyOldHector Sad

Out of interest, you and others, was housework discussed before moving intogether, or before marriage?

Lazysuzanne · 18/12/2013 11:11

Gold, crikey no, I was young and trusting I wanted to cook for him and make a nice home whilst he did manly things in return.

I was such a pushover.

Golddigger · 18/12/2013 11:42

And out of interest, did he do the manly things?

Lazysuzanne · 18/12/2013 12:48

In some ways but latterly I saw that the benefits of our partnership were flowing in one direction.
I now live alone, life is much easier for me.

Lazysuzanne · 18/12/2013 12:56

When you are young, overcome with lust and living in an oxytocin generated sunshine filled bubble you are not capable of rationally appraising the situation.

At least I sure as heck ... maybe young women are more savvy these days?
Really I am horrified at how dumb I was.

Now I am cynicism herself.

Lazysuzanne · 18/12/2013 12:57

*sure as heck wasn't

Golddigger · 18/12/2013 13:06

From what I know of young people, they are a mixed bunch. Same as always I suppose.

I think I have tried with my daughter, to get things in place and ask loads of what may seem boring questions fairly early in a relationship. Before the bubble goggles are on.
hope it has worked, because her bubble goggles are on now, so too late for most things at this stage.

Lazysuzanne · 18/12/2013 13:13

I'm hopeful about my daughter she's very ambitious career wise, but love can make fools of us all :(

LimitedEditionLady · 18/12/2013 18:26

Nah to a cleaner,ive coped this long,i can clean my house.The point is that i shouldnt have to do everything ALL of the time.
Cant remember who posted the question but yes we discussed jobs before moving in but he stopped doing them.

OP posts:
LimitedEditionLady · 18/12/2013 18:28

My ds is already learning how the house runs,hes two!i dont make him do anything as such he likes to help and i want him to see that the fairies dont just do everything in the night....

OP posts:
jeansthatfit · 18/12/2013 19:16

Just to add...

There's sometimes a kind of 'why on earth did you marry them??' response to women whose male partners do very little domestically, in terms of family organisation, and leave all the menial stuff to them.

Thing is - yes, the rose tinted goggles do go on at the start of a relationship, and it is easy to overlook things that become a problem later on. Esp when you're young and haven't a huge amount of experience of running a household or family yourself. It's rare that couples in the Romeo and Juliet phase talk about hoovering or who will book dentist's appointments for the hypothetical children.

And it often seems like men do more to start with, early on in a relationship. Then do less, and less - maternity leave I truly believe is a killer in terms of equal sharing of tasks. 'But I'm WORKING! You're at home! you should be doing the washing up/shopping/cooking/cleaning etc etc.' Yes - I know maternity leave is for babies. But there's the view that looking after baby and keeping house go hand in hand...

Cultural stereotypes and social programming run deep - the man who does a basic amount of housework in the first few months of a relationship (best foot forward and all that) probably doesn't imagine for a moment, deep down, that it will be a shared life long task.

Then there's the division of tasks. 'Well, yes, I am a woman and I do the 'house' stuff - the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry - but HE does all the DIY and looks after the garden, so we're definitely equal.'

Those tasks aren't equal. When a baby comes along,the domestic tasks grow, and alongside it come all the 'caring' tasks by extension. They are often emotionally demanding, pressing and have an immediacy that the more typically 'male ' jobs don't.

Shelves don't cry at you and demand to be put up at 3 in the morning, or 5 times a night. Lawns don't need to be mowed any more often once a baby is born, whereas doing, sorting and putting away laundry will be a bigger task.

Lazysuzanne · 18/12/2013 21:53

Very good points Jeans!

MrsBonkers · 18/12/2013 21:57

Can I just add that I do the gardening too - there really is no hope for me!! lol

GideonBurrows · 19/12/2013 16:49

Thanks jeansthatfit for mentioning my book, Men Can Do It! The real reason dads don't do childcare, on equality in parenting. It contains a lot on sharing both the child-related, and non-child related housework.

In the festive spirit, I've extracted a particularly relevant part for MumsNet readers. I hope you enjoy it.

bit.ly/18U1MoL

Happy Christmas!

Golddigger · 19/12/2013 16:54

Limited. What reason did he give for stopping doing the housework?

comingintomyown · 19/12/2013 17:22

I have lived with two men. The first was lazy and did nothing and I tried all the leaving the dishes stacked high type stuff but he just didn't actually care so it just wound me up.

The second was XH who was vetted for domesticity from the outset and who was brilliant at pulling his weight and in that department we were equals and I have to say when listening to friends Moan I felt lucky.

What I notice now in my 17 yo DS, who has observed good domestic practice from his Dad, is that he clearly doesn't see certain jobs like cleaning the toilet as anything to do with him. I made him do this recently and he kicked up such a fuss and afterwards I asked him why it was ok for me to clean the toilet but not him. I could see him inwardly fuming because as a smart boy he didn't haven't an answer BUT I know he still didn't see why he should do it.

As someone said earlier there are so many cultural references to gender roles and women doing the housework etc that it's an uphill battle. Things like The Lads Bible are so depressing

I live alone and one of the things I love is running my own domestic life and not putting up with this kind of crap and yes OP it does get boring "nagging"but I don't know the answer unless you just give up for a quiet life

jeansthatfit · 19/12/2013 17:39

Ha - I feel like I've rubbed a lamp and a genie has popped out GideonBurrows!

That extract is indeed is exactly what I was on about - thanks for posting. I hope WriterWannabe83 has a gander to see if there's anything she recognises. I sure do.

AcheyFanny · 19/12/2013 20:24

DH and I both used to work 6 days a week, we had a cleaner then as there was no way either of us were as spending our one day off doing housework.
Coming home to a clean house was amazing. When DH returns to work (seasonal contract), my lovely cleaner will be coming back even though I work 5 days now.

Golddigger · 19/12/2013 21:01

Limited. What would happen if you went on strike?

I often think that it takes something to change, to make something else change.

LimitedEditionLady · 19/12/2013 21:45

Golddigger,i think if i really went on strike then hed see that as a battle so would dig his heels in.Well small progress has been made.He washed up,not much but he did it without me asking.Felt weird me sitting down and him doing that.I kind of felt ok so is this a small olive branch?I didnt make a fuss,I didnt thank him but i made sure that he knew i had acknowledged that he did it.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 19/12/2013 21:58

I really wonder what kind of sons you are bringing up and what the poor DILs are going to have to cope with, if you put up with this kind of shit from your DPs/DHs!! and then from your DS's!