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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just be bored of it?

233 replies

LimitedEditionLady · 15/12/2013 09:22

I am sure many people share my angst here.I am SICK TO DEATH of asking him to do one sinple job and it taking him seven days with my consistently reminding him to do it for it to get done.He does NOTHING in the house,no diy,nothing and the little jobs like just washing a cup he simply leaves for me.So i say to him yesterday " you know its getting really boring having to remind you constantly" so he tells me im boring for nagging him.Erm....I just asked you to do a simple job and you havent done it as per usual so that your fault is it not?I am just fed up of basically having to run the house,finances,sort out ds alone and looking after a 30 year old man like a teenager.He goes to work but apart from that he does nothing so why is everything my responsibility??aibu.

OP posts:
Safyre · 16/12/2013 16:20

I had this problem with my DH, it is slowly improving. It did peak while I was on ML, and I did threaten that if things didn't change when I went back to work then I would not be doing anything for him.

They are changing slowly now, but what I have found is that regardless of what I think should happen, I need to tell him what I want him to do. I agree that he's not a child and should be able to see what needs done, but for whatever reason, he doesn't - so if I want help, I have to ask for it. I just make sure now that I do ask for it, and ask for whatever it is to be done 'today'.

I suspect this is linked to the fact that his mum was a SAHM all the time he was growing up - I'm fairly sure he never had to do anything more than tidy his bedroom occasionally, whereas both my parents worked FT and my sister and I were used to cooking, washing up, walking the dog etc.

Original poster
LimitedEditionLady · 16/12/2013 16:22

Sorry i dont understand the pride part you referred to?

OP posts:
MrsBonkers · 16/12/2013 16:27

I've just had to read this thread in two sittings, because at first it just made me cry.
It's that realisation that, along with others here, my marriage isn't a partnership. It makes me so sad.
I'm tired of it all. Its no way to live.
Feeling angry that I get no help, but guilty that I can't do it alone.

I agree, its a very unattractive trait in a man.

I just don't know how to leave. :(

Original poster
LimitedEditionLady · 16/12/2013 16:32

Mrsbonkers i hope youre ok.No thats what hurts me most,i feel lonely.Do you?

OP posts:
MrsBonkers · 16/12/2013 16:45

Yes.
I also feel like I've made my bed so I have to lie in it.
He's a nice bloke and things were fine before I had my DD. He looked after himself and I looked after myself and it never really seemed a problem.
Now I have DD, it frustrates the hell out of me that its down to just me to make sure that we have food in the house for her and that her uniform is clean etc.
It started when I was on maternity leave. I was at home so felt I had to do everything. Now I'm back at work 3 day a week and still have to do everything as well as care for her on the days I don't work, I just can't cope.

struggling100 · 16/12/2013 16:50

Let's make sure we bring up all of our daughters so they close ranks and refuse to date men like this.

Hopefully they will then become extinct, like the dinosaurs they resemble.

And all of our sons should learn housework, cookery, etc. exactly the same as the girls so that the women of the future will want to be with them!!

Lazysuzanne · 16/12/2013 17:15

so if I want help, I have to ask for it. I just make sure now that I do ask for it, and ask for whatever it is to be done 'today

Safyre, look at the way you have framed this, you describe what he does as him helping you, it is your burden and he 'helps' you with it.

I dont mean to criticise, I know how infuriating this stuff is but what you are saying is really :
'if I want him to make an equal contribution, I have to ask for it'

If he viewed it as an equal partnership he would see the need to get on and do his half.

in a partnership of equals we shouldnt have to ask for things to be fair

Lazysuzanne · 16/12/2013 17:18

what about this type of solution from Writerwannabe83 upthread

He hadn't had any clean clothes for 2 weeks because I'm refusing to do it. I have explained to him that I was clothes that are in the washing basket and seeing as all of his worn clothes are in a massive heap next to the bed and across the floor of our spare room that's where they are staying until he does something about it. Even when they go in the washing basket, I'm not doing them. I just pick out my own clothes, bedding, tea towels etc and wash them grin Ne had to go to his Works Do in his unwashed and I ironed suit (still sitting on the bedroom floor from when he last wore it about 5 weeks ago) and now he is on a Stag Do with dirty clothes, haha - I hope he stinks and all his friends take the piss

CailinDana · 16/12/2013 17:35

MrsB you will cope on your own. Having him around drains your energy you will be so surprised how much easier it is without him.

LoisWilkerson1 · 16/12/2013 17:45

Limited- I make light of it now but a few years ago I was really annoyed that my SIL made a smart arse remark about my poor housekeeping when its my husbands mess too and we had a big talk about it. We try and both do our fair share but to be honest he just isn't in the habit of tidying and its easier to just do it myself. If I say please help, he does and I don't go crazy like I used to if he doesn't do things as well as I would. Just tell yours he needs to shape up.

Golddigger · 16/12/2013 17:47

MrsB and Limited I hope that they do end up pulling their weight.

struggling. Sometimes it isnt the dating that is the problem. A lot of them, it seems to me, change after getting married, or moved in with someone. MrsB's husband seems to have changed after she had her DD.

Golddigger · 16/12/2013 17:52

pride. I was thinking of the praising him as part. If it had to be done that way, I would do it. Wouldnt want to [wouldnt work with mine, he would see through it in a heartbeat], but I would do it if other things in the marriage or partnership were good enough for me.

Like I and others have said, it is meant to be a partnership. And that should involve compromises on both sides if you ask me. These things are never plain sailing for anyone.

Lazysuzanne · 16/12/2013 17:55

of course, lots of these guys will pull their weight at first, otherwise she'd just leave.
They wait until they have their feet under the table, when she's invested in the relationship, when they have children and it's much harder for her to leave

Writerwannabe83 · 16/12/2013 18:36

Very true Lazysuzanne!!!

There was a huge drop in my husband's contribution to housework after we got married.

Original poster
LimitedEditionLady · 16/12/2013 18:47

Tbh i think ive made enough compromises,i have tried saying i appreciate him contributing.I am not the issue.I can say that for certain,i am a good communicator and have tried communicating my point lots of ways and also asking his point of view.He even without pushing admits he has several large flaws.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 16/12/2013 18:49

Does he know that this is becoming a deal breaker?

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 08:19

Well due to my current strike of doing anything for my husband, this morning I actually watched him dig his way through the dirty laundry basket to find clothes to wear for work Grin How gross is that!! He is also barefooted in his shoes because he has no socks. It was very hard to stop myself from laughing. But, for the first time in as long as I can remember, he then grabbed loads of clothes and put a wash on Shock The cycle has nearly finished but if he thinks I'm taking his stuff out and putting it over the clothes horse (something I have probably seen him do 5 times in 3 years) he can think again.....it will give him something to do when he gets home. Either that or tomorrow he can go to work in damp clothes Grin

He came home from his Stag Do yesterday evening and his first words were, "What's for tea?" I told him, nothing!!! But rather than address the issue himself he just went to bed hungry Smile That was only after I made him put all the fresh bedding on the bed though - I lied and told him I couldn't manage it because of the baby bump, haha. Grin I feel a little bit liberated this morning.....

Golddigger · 17/12/2013 08:30

Shock Grin Smile
I think that about covers it!

OwlinaTree · 17/12/2013 08:59

Thing is, it's just house work. No one wants to do it.

If it bothers you more than your partner what's wrong with saying will you hang that washing out while I washup or whatever.

So you are asking and saying thanks. What does it matter? I thank him for sorting the car tax, he thanks me for organising MOT. We are a team and we help each other.

I think to wait till your partner cares about having a tidy house as much as you is just wasting your energy. Ask him to contribute and tell him what you want him to do. Get it done and move on. It will get easier, especially if you do a job while he does a job so he feels you are both doing something at that moment.

Or reverse he for her if you have a female partner.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 09:08

Thank him for doing something around his own house??
Surely all that would do is reinforce the idea that he's done me some sort of favour? Likes he's relieved me of work that is 'my job' and I should be grateful?

He certainly never thanks me for the endless work I do around the house...

Like you said, it's housework, nobody likes doing it but it's a fact of life. I don't have anyone sitting on my shoulder telling me what needs doing, it's obvious what needs doing. When there's no clean cutlery and crockery left it means the washing up needs doing, when everything is covered in dust it means the polishing needs doing, when the laundry basket is overflowing it means the washing needs doing - it's not rocket science Grin

He is just bloody lazy and selfish and I'm not pandering to it anymore Smile

Golddigger · 17/12/2013 09:15

Owlina.
The posters here are talking about, or have said "will you hang the washing out" and they dont.
Or have to ask them endlessly before they do[and the washing has dried!].

You say "get it done and move on". Their partners still havent got it done. It is still there, lying there.

ExcuseTypos · 17/12/2013 09:15

My DH came from a farming family and his mum is extremely old fashioned. She wouldn't let her 2ds or DH do anything in the house at all.

Ive seen her shout at them if they tried to do domestic stuff Hmm

My DH was very aware that this was a ridiculous situation, but he didn't have a clue how to do things, as he'd never been shown. So I did have to tell him how to do things when we married. He's does more than his fair share now.

So ime even men who've never lifted a finger growing up, are quite capable of changing if they want to.

OP just stop doing anything for him, he'll soon get the message.

funnyvalentine · 17/12/2013 09:37

DH is mostly ok but occasionally he tries to pull the "but I don't know what to do I'm just a simple man" act. I think it's a habit that becomes ingrained in childhood because he knows it's not true. My response is along the lines of a sarcastic "you're perfectly capable, you can't fool me" or an incredulous "seriously?! You run a multi million pound project but you can't get your daughter dressed??" He does them have the good grace to look embarrassed and do the thing :)

Original poster
LimitedEditionLady · 17/12/2013 09:41

Owlina its just housework?No its more than that.
im glad to hear the strike is going well

OP posts:
Lazysuzanne · 17/12/2013 10:49

Writer, I'm quite amazed he went to bed hungry...he can surely make toast or something?

Do keep us updated and I hope your tough love approach bears fruit soon :o

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