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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just be bored of it?

233 replies

LimitedEditionLady · 15/12/2013 09:22

I am sure many people share my angst here.I am SICK TO DEATH of asking him to do one sinple job and it taking him seven days with my consistently reminding him to do it for it to get done.He does NOTHING in the house,no diy,nothing and the little jobs like just washing a cup he simply leaves for me.So i say to him yesterday " you know its getting really boring having to remind you constantly" so he tells me im boring for nagging him.Erm....I just asked you to do a simple job and you havent done it as per usual so that your fault is it not?I am just fed up of basically having to run the house,finances,sort out ds alone and looking after a 30 year old man like a teenager.He goes to work but apart from that he does nothing so why is everything my responsibility??aibu.

OP posts:
Golddigger · 17/12/2013 10:54

Thats the problem isnt it. They will leave things, go about in smelly clothes, not eat etc rather than do the work.
Some of them obviously, and some women, but predominantly men. Sweeping generalisations. Have I covered all bases?!

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 10:58

Their attitude towards the bathroom is the worst - the state some men are prepared to leave the toilet in is absolutely disgusting! I told my husband he is a disgusting pig and how dare he think it's ok to just leave piss and poo everywhere for me to either have to look at or clean!!

But, like in said, we haven't share d a bathroom in over 6 months - I love my sparkly clean one and I think he's quite jealous Grin

Lazysuzanne · 17/12/2013 11:19

He'd probably love a sparkly bathroom Writer, but still can't bring him self to clean his bathroom.

I think this is to do with the feeling such activity is 'women's work' that women are inferior and a man who does women's work is thereby demeaned and less of a man.

As I said upthread I've found this problem to be intractable, even if you somehow coerce him into doing the housework it's very hard to shift the underlying belief.

Ultimately his sense of masculinity and his feeling that women are secondary and there to serve the needs of men means more to him than clean clothes and a tidy toilet :(

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 11:43

Whenever we have guests over and one of them asks to use the bathroom I always give them directions to mine.....but maybe next time I will say, "You can use my husband's" and send them in there. He would be absolutely mortified if anyone saw how disgusting he really is, lol. Maybe it would shame him into cleaning it.

I have said to him many times about getting cleaner and he just says no, as apparently we aren't paying someone to do housework when we can just do it ourselves!! I honestly nearly hit him the first time he said it. I'm going to tell him that seeing as his theory has never materialised and he seems to view me as the cleaner then I'm going to want some of his personal money each month to cover my professional fees Grin. I probably do about 5 hours a week of the non-routine chores so I reckon it's more than fair I get paid for my 20 hours work a month Smile

Lazysuzanne · 17/12/2013 11:56

I lived in a perpetual state of simmering fury because of those types of things, I had to get my own place for the sake of my sanity.

When I go to his place I'm mildly amused at how chaotic it is, looks like a junk shop smells like a charity shop :o

Golddigger · 17/12/2013 12:15

These posts are making me laugh out loud, but it is no laughing matter if you have to live with it.

Hope he gets the idea Writer!

OwlinaTree · 17/12/2013 12:51

Yes but lots of you are expecting a partner to know when you want a job doing. People have different standards. Rather then getting stressed just tell them. That's all im saying!

Golddigger · 17/12/2013 14:12

You tell them. They dont do it. What next?

cerealqueen · 17/12/2013 14:40

YANBU. During a row about his, DP shouted that he din't enjoy doing housework. I shouted back, 'neither do I, who does?' He was shocked. He genuinely thought that women enjoyed it.

He also often says, I'm a lot better than a lot of men out there. Or, I do more then my dad/you dad ever did. Like I should be grateful.

What really irks me is being responsible for everything, especially i relation to the DCs, when he could make decisions too. When he asks now I say, 'I know, why don't we ask one of their parents?'

CailinDana · 17/12/2013 14:50

Owl do you really think it's too much to expect a partner to see a full bin and just empty it or to see a dirty kitchen and just clean it? Why should a woman have to point such obvious things out to them?

Original poster
LimitedEditionLady · 17/12/2013 15:50

Well owl i think from my original post you can see that i have asked if he could do things so its not that he is expected to be a mind reader.But also if you see a bin overflowing with cans and bottles,your cans and bottles,so much that you feel the (infuriating )need to stand them in front of bin on the kitchen floor and its your supposed task to empty the bins youd think it wouldnt take a genius to work out it needs emptying.I mean the guy isnt thick.So its probably as hes too lazy.
I love that you are defending these blokes.Im sure you could sort it out in two days ey.

OP posts:
Original poster
LimitedEditionLady · 17/12/2013 16:42

You know what?its probably just his penis isnt it?its causing an obstruction and disabling his ability to use common sense.Thanks everyone,shucks problrm solved.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 19:41

Maybe you should chop it off Limited? Grin

My DH's wet clothes are STILL in the washing machine. He has only been home 5 hours though... Hmm Grin

Lazysuzanne · 17/12/2013 20:34

so he put a load of washing in, it's a start!
I wonder if he knows that washing starts to smell weird if you leave it sitting around wet for too long Wink

womblesofwestminster · 17/12/2013 20:39

It's a feminist issue. Men don't do it because they don't FEEL it's important (not like their work), that somehow it will sort of get done anyway (their female partners will do it), and just that on a deep level, it's simply not their ROLE.

DIY is traditionally 'men's work' Hmm so how does that make sense?

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 20:45

It's his clothes that will smell lazy - that's his problem Grin He actually just asked me if I'd taken them out the machine - I just smiled at him and said no.

He has however just taken off his stinky socks and threw them down the side of the sofa!! Why????? The laundry basket is only in the next room!!

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 20:55

He has just cleared away all the dirty dishes from dinner (our living room is on a different floor to our kitchen) and taken all dirty mugs downstairs too. He then came back upstairs and told me to leave all the washing up and he will do it when he gets in from work tomorrow Shock

Something isn't right......

Golddigger · 17/12/2013 21:06
Grin

It might be called progress.

Lazysuzanne · 17/12/2013 21:06

sounds like some sort of trickery to me....

Original poster
LimitedEditionLady · 17/12/2013 21:25

Well this is how your oh half learns a lesson about leaving wet clothes in the machine.I wonder if he knows we are all clocking his progress....

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 21:49

About 4 days ago I was in the kitchen in absolute tears over the issue and for the first time he actually apologised for the way he is, told me it isn't fair that I feel this way and that he will make sure we get things done together. I didn't think for a minute that he actually meant it but who knows, maybe something did sink in.....

OwlinaTree · 17/12/2013 22:22

I'm lolling at the idea of me sorting out the DP! Took me long enough to sort my own!!

My DH wouldn't empty the recycling without me prompting him. I guess the difference is he will do things if I ask without complaining.

If I go away for the weekend I text to say I'm an hour from home so he knows he's got an hour to clear up before I get home!

Maybe I should expect more but I'd rather it be like this with me telling him to do stuff than be upset and arguing about it tbh.

SillyOldHector · 17/12/2013 22:36

I'm leaving after 15 years of doing all the domestic chores and childcare. ExP works hard but is a lazy arse at home. I never really noticed it until i had ds1 and by the time ds2 arrived i was a seething mass of resentment. He works hard at his job, but i also worked on and off for 10 years plus did everything else.

I do believe his culture had quite a lot to do with it though. The boys in his family were spoilt beyond belief and waited on hand and foot by the females of the family.

I'm getting out before our two ds grow up to be the same.

MrsBonkers · 18/12/2013 02:15

Owl,
For me its not about standards, its about the things that can't be avoided. I HAVE to go shopping because we need food in the house. I HAVE to bath and put DD to bed. I HAVE to make sure she has clean clothes. Its not just that he doesn't help, its that he actively makes my life harder by my having to clean up after him too.
When it was just the two of us I didn't really notice, but now DD is around, she deserves a certain standard of living.

AcheyFanny · 18/12/2013 05:27

Waiting for an update from Writer about her DH emptying the washing in the machine......

My DH is pretty good, though he doesn't clean to 'my standard' his efforts are more than acceptable. There is nothing he won't do and at the moment he is not working so he does everything (no kids but lots of cats). All I do is the ironing which I don't mind.
He's 56 and ex-army so could be a factor.

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