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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just be bored of it?

233 replies

LimitedEditionLady · 15/12/2013 09:22

I am sure many people share my angst here.I am SICK TO DEATH of asking him to do one sinple job and it taking him seven days with my consistently reminding him to do it for it to get done.He does NOTHING in the house,no diy,nothing and the little jobs like just washing a cup he simply leaves for me.So i say to him yesterday " you know its getting really boring having to remind you constantly" so he tells me im boring for nagging him.Erm....I just asked you to do a simple job and you havent done it as per usual so that your fault is it not?I am just fed up of basically having to run the house,finances,sort out ds alone and looking after a 30 year old man like a teenager.He goes to work but apart from that he does nothing so why is everything my responsibility??aibu.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 11:12

My DH asked me to write a list for him of what jobs need doing and when Grin

I told him he isn't a child and screamed, "things need doing when you can see they need fucking need doing!!!"

I have been with him for over 3 years and he has never cleaned our kitchen floor. I will purposefully leave it and leave it and leave it, to the point where I'm ashamed to have people in the house but nothing - it wouldn't even occur to him.

But, I'm trying this new tactic with him but if it doesn't work my mom is going to find herself with a new house guest - well 3 if I decide to take the cats with me Grin

LaundryLegoLunch · 15/12/2013 11:13

I'm very lucky that I have a DH who is not at all lazy. He does lots to help out, we truly share our chores etc. I am by nature a lazy, "I'll do it later" type but you know what? I love my husband and don't think it's fair that he has to do more because I'm don't feel like it.

And much more importantly I want my children to see a positive example of a marriage. I have boys and girls and I think both need to see the role models you'd like them to copy.

Sorry, that sounds kind of smug. Believe me, we have plenty of struggles and arguments too!

You have to talk to him in a calm moment, not after you've just had to do the washing up for the millionth time. And possibly say for 24 hrs you'll do nothing at all. And stick to it, including not clearing up after yourself so he sees just how annoying it is.

jeansthatfit · 15/12/2013 11:14

It's a feminist issue. Men don't do it because they don't FEEL it's important (not like their work), that somehow it will sort of get done anyway (their female partners will do it), and just that on a deep level, it's simply not their ROLE.

When he eventually does things, does he act like he's 'helping you out' rather than doing his fair share of things?

We would see this as being a more straightforward problem at work, btw. If we are treated differently because of our gender, and expected to do more/more menial stuff/get less reward for the work we do than our male counterparts, then we see the injustice, and are more likely to tackle it.

When I look at female friends (esp mothers) in relationships with male partners, I now think what is holding them back from achieving more, and tiring them out, is not so much discrimination at work, but having a male partner who just does not pull their weight domestically. It literally adds hours and hours of extra work onto their plates each week, not to mention the emotional drain of being made to feel like a nagging bitch when you are simply asking for a more equal and fairer set up.

Like I say - it's a feminist issue.

Roshbegosh · 15/12/2013 11:20

I would seethe with resentment. What does he contribute to your relationship exactly? Don't let him turn you into a harridan, you don't want to be that person.

Geniusismysterious · 15/12/2013 11:26

writerwannabe83 i did the same, full domestic strike. For over two years. But it worked.

Fingerbobs · 15/12/2013 11:30

"I wouldn't leave my marriage over it" - Wannabewriter, what would you leave it for? You've got someone who doesn't respect you, hear you or respond to your pain. What does he do, then, that makes up in any way for this? OP YANBU for being bored, I hope the suggestions of how to change it work.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 11:39

I'd leave him if he cheated or killed one of my cats Grin
He is lovely in lots of other ways, lol.

Housework has never been one of his strongest points but I would say that over the last 6 months the situation has worsened to how it is now - and although I say now I wouldn't leave my marriage based on this issue, that's not to say a few years down the line it would be different if nothing changed, haha. I'm willing to give him a chance to improve.

Before, when he has given his assurances he will change he hasn't had to really because I continue to do things - I never really make him stick to his words. I'm like the boy who called Wolf, I scream at him and make all these threats about how I'm not prepared to put up with it, but I don't actually do anything about it. I'm thinking that if next time I actually take drastic action and walk out for a few days he might realise how serious I am.

CailinDana · 15/12/2013 11:41

Wannabe the fact that you won't leave means this will never change. He knows you're annoyed about it but you will continue to put up with it so why change? Obviously it suits him better to ignore you and until you ignoring has serious consequences (such as you leaving) there is no motivation for him to do anythinhg different.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 11:44

That's why I will next time Cailin - I just said that in my post.... Hmm

CailinDana · 15/12/2013 11:51

X-post.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 11:55

Great minds think alike then, lol Grin

I nearly walked out last week at 02.30am (after I'd just cleaned the kitchen) but didn't think my mom would appreciate me knocking on her door at that time. Instead I spent the night in the spare room because I couldn't bring myself to sleep next to him as I felt so angry, lol.

Selks · 15/12/2013 12:01

I detest men who behave like this. It is an abuse of the relationship quite frankly. They do it because they are selfish and because they can...because they know that in the end the woman will do it. They make a palaver out of doing things and do them badly so that they won't be asked again. It's manchild behaviour and a sign that they are not interested in a mutually respectful relationship.
Sorry OP I think it will take some radical action of some type on your behalf to change this. I would consider it a major problem in a relationship and at the very least would want a commitment to relationship counselling from DH to begin to fix this. Good luck, and remember you don't have to go on like this.

jeansthatfit · 15/12/2013 12:07

An aside, but writerwannabe - do you have kids together yet?

Cos IME, men who behave like this get much worse after dcs come along. Partly because in some areas (laundry for example) the amount of work just increases, and it's harder to organise to get it done if you have to deal with kids at the same time. At that point you really notice a man who leaves you to deal with it all.

Partly because maternity leave means that men who were reluctant slackers beforehand give up entirely. They either assume that now they are earning and the mother is at home, she will do everything domestic - or further down the line, when the maternity leave is over, they do not take over the domestic/caring tasks that have been the mother's main duties til then.

(aplogies if you have kids - I have kids and cats, they aren't mutually exclusive! obvs)

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 12:10

No, but one is on the way - hence why I've got to the point of being prepared to taking drastic action. If he doesn't change by the time the baby arrives then I am DEFINITELy not staying in this situation!! There's just no way I would continue to put up with it!!

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 12:12

I will admit I'm worried about Maternity Leave....

I'm currently signed off sick (pregnancy complication) and have been for 13 weeks and I think that's why things have started to slide. He sees me as being at home all the day so thinks I should be doing it all. I have told him there is a difference between me taking on most of the casual day to day stuff and him treating me like his personal slave/cleaner Grin

jeansthatfit · 15/12/2013 13:38

writerwannabe, congratulations on your pregnancy, and I hope your complications aren't causing you too much stress. I wish you well in your efforts to share tasks equally with your husband!

Btw, I hope this isn't being cheeky - but I really want to recommend 2 books to you, if you haven't already read them. 'Wifework' by Susan Maushart - and 'Men Can Do It' by Gideon Burrows. They discuss all of this stuff, and it helps (IME) hugely to feel like you are not going mad/being a nag/the only woman going through all this.

And your dp might read them too. Def the Gideon Burrows book - it's about equal parenting from a dad's perspective. V readable and practical. Quite an eye opener.

Good luck.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 14:14

Thanks for the tip - I was thinking of getting him a book as one of his Christmas presents! You have inspired me now....I'm going to go and check them out Grin

BigWellyLittleWelly · 15/12/2013 14:28

My DH and I almost separated because of his shite attitude to household jobs. I went batshit crazy. I shouted. I ignored it. I wrote lists. I sent him emails with weekend jobs on.

None of it worked. He was just bone lazy.

Then we had DD2 and I had a CS. He took a month of leave and I did nothing except feed the baby because I couldn't due to complications. We also had visitors. Suddenly he got houseproud. I also started to list the jobs out loud which need doing and I don't default to saying I'll do them.

The biggest change has been accepting we are both tired most of the time, he likes dinner on the table at six so 99% of the time come hell or high water dinner is ready at six, that frees up our evenings. Also DH now recognises how hard getting everything done is so pitches in where ever he can.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 14:38

I feel a ray of hope now shelly - I've got to have an ELCS and husband is taking a month off work Grin Maybe there is some light at the end of this depressing tunnel....

I had a blitz of the house this morning and every single piece of his crap that is casually lying around has been thrown into a bin bag Grin Very cathartic!!

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 14:39

I meant welly - not shelly Grin

TinselTaTas · 15/12/2013 14:47

I am having a rage today, told dh I am bored of being chief cook clean and bottle washer..I am told "How rude are you, I clean the kitchen and I make tea" (as in cup of tea)

Who does the laundry, changes bedding, cleans, cooks, shopping and packed lunches?! The bloody fairys?!

I am sick to death of his procrastination I really hate him today!

Slainte · 15/12/2013 15:09

I'm with NoArmani on this one, please don't lump my DH into this "oh, it's just a man thing" bull.

He's an equal partner to me in every way. I couldn't stay with a man who sees me as his servant.

OwlinaTree · 15/12/2013 16:30

I don't think it's a man thing to be crap at cleaning and lazy but it's the lack of forward planning that seems to be more male to me. Hence not thinking about changing sheets, doing washing in advance of needing it.

My DH would never just think to do the washing for eg but because we always do it on Sundays after 8 years of living together he will now remember it's washing day on Sunday and will sort out a load.

I try to remember it's his home too and if mess doesn't bother him as much why should he be bothered about being tidy? It's a compromise. So his half of the bedroom is like a teenagers, clothes on the floor etc. It's not what I would prefer but he is tidy everywhere else, I'm sure because he can just chuck his stuff on his side.

XmasLogAndHollyOn · 15/12/2013 16:41

Definitely not a man thing at all. It's a lazy arse thing and he's doing it because he can get away with it. Stop cooking, cleaning and washing up after him. If he's not prepared to chip in, then stop doing it for him.

DH is currently cooking dinner, after which he'll do the dishes and all without being asked. I don't have to ask him to do stuff around the house as we both do it.

capsium · 15/12/2013 16:50

Never ask the same thing more than once. You need to ask when you know he is going in the vicinity of said job, for example, when he is in the bathroom, oh the wash bin needs emptying can you bring it down when you are finished. When you hear him pad downstairs (without washing) from the next room shout that the machine is all set up he just needs to plonk the stuff in.

Its because these jobs keep disappearing he can get away with not doing them.

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