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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just be bored of it?

233 replies

LimitedEditionLady · 15/12/2013 09:22

I am sure many people share my angst here.I am SICK TO DEATH of asking him to do one sinple job and it taking him seven days with my consistently reminding him to do it for it to get done.He does NOTHING in the house,no diy,nothing and the little jobs like just washing a cup he simply leaves for me.So i say to him yesterday " you know its getting really boring having to remind you constantly" so he tells me im boring for nagging him.Erm....I just asked you to do a simple job and you havent done it as per usual so that your fault is it not?I am just fed up of basically having to run the house,finances,sort out ds alone and looking after a 30 year old man like a teenager.He goes to work but apart from that he does nothing so why is everything my responsibility??aibu.

OP posts:
ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 15/12/2013 20:34

I agree Limited. Its too much I dont know about you, but I got asked today with a face pleading NO, " so, do you want anything for xmas!!!!"

I wont even get a present.

I am up several times in the night with the baby, I am on night duty and have been for over a year, he takes baby at 6am when he gets up anyway and thinks its a huge big deal Confused.

Lazy here too.

I can stop organising and doing everything but then nothing will happen,

he will happily feed us dog if neccasary, he will happily never wash the the DC or make sure teeth are brushed....he will happily let us descend into squalor..

tallwivglasses · 15/12/2013 21:05

I fucking hate these kind of men - not even helping to keep their dc's teeth clean and their surroundings reasonable and safe - that's a health issue too.

Actually I hate these threads - it's so upsetting to see so many mumsnetters in the same position as you, OP.

Please, everyone who's complained - bloody DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

sorry to shout Blush

Original poster
LimitedEditionLady · 15/12/2013 22:36

Ill put this to you though,he doesnt neglect ds,he will bath him and play with him hes not neglectful to him like that he cares for his wellbeing.

OP posts:
Lazysuzanne · 15/12/2013 22:49

My partner and I now live separately, his failure to pull his weight on the domestic front was one of the reasons I pushed for our current arrangement.

I now live all neat and tidy but spend very little time on house work.

He lives in a cave / building site, he mostly sleeps on the sofa because he's never properly sorted out his bedrooms.

He regards housework as 'women's work ' even when there is no woman to do it for him.

My son who also lives alone is very similar.

FacebookWanker · 15/12/2013 22:52

Familiar, lazy, disrespectful and selfish.

YANBU.

Lazysuzanne · 15/12/2013 22:59

I think that some men have a very deep rooted belief that domestic work is women s work and therefore beneath them.

even though they can rationally acknowledge that it's not fair to leave it to the women they are emotionally connected to the idea that men dont do domestic work...it's somehow tied up with their sense of masculinity.

The idea of doing housework is such a threat to their identity that they will fall into squalor rather than take personal responsibility for it.

I'm not offering that as an excuse or justification by the way Wink

Original poster
LimitedEditionLady · 15/12/2013 23:09

I think in our case he is capable,he just wont try.Hes not a men cant clean its not manly hes just idle and unorganised.His male role model was far from lazy.Hard working man.But then he didnt do domestic stuff because he was working so hard all the hours,i could forgive that if he was achieving something in the time that i was running the house but its not the case in our house.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 23:14

The more I read the more angry I feel at myself for having it let go on for so long...

Sallyingforth · 16/12/2013 10:56

Limited
The solution is in your own hands. Moaning at him hasn't worked for either of you. He needs an ultimatum.

Golddigger · 16/12/2013 11:21

www.sheknows.com/home-and-gardening/articles/6382/how-to-get-a-man-to-do-housework

No idea if any of this will work. Havent read the full article.

Lazysuzanne · 16/12/2013 11:25

These types of situations can be intractable, the person who doesn't care about order and tidiness can always hold out for longer.

How can you make someone do their fair share?

Lazysuzanne · 16/12/2013 11:36

Those links are full of patronizing bullshit Gold.

The lazy person almost always wins, he probably finds it all mildly amusing and is unaffected by the mess.

Meanwhile the conscientious person is stressed and fuming trying to figure out how to organize and train him.
It is a burden to her and he regards it as just not his problem.

I briefly lived with a man who, when I hinted that he might do some stuff around the house replied 'guys are messy girls are tidy'

nickEcave · 16/12/2013 11:52

I absolutely agree that it is a feminist issue. If I lived with a man who said he loved me but fundamentally treated me as his unpaid skivvy it would eat away at me over the years and destroy any love I ever had for him. My dh is a lot less tidy than me and doesn't always see things that need doing. He also has some minor and deeply annoying habits like not cleaning out the plughole after washing up so there's a pile of stinky scraps left behind! BUT he loves and respects me and we are a team. I've just spent the weekend in bed with flu and he has done everything with the kids plus shopping, cleaning, washing etc. Because we are a team. If your dp isn't going to be a team with you once you are parents,op then you need him gone because if you resent him now you will really hate him when you've had no more than 3 hours unbroken sleep a night for 2 years and he still behaves this way.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 16/12/2013 11:59

I think that some men have a very deep rooted belief that domestic work is women s work and therefore beneath them.

Well YES.

If a man is brought up from birth to see and expect the mum to do everything how else and what else is he supposed to think, he may think its stupid and not expect it of his wife but if he was never ever trained to do domestic chores....mentally and physically there is a long way to go.

Aside from all that, its the wanting to do it, and do it right.

My dh changed the bedding whilst i was in hospital, it was amazing, coming home to a freshly laundered bed.

However, what happened to the old duvet cover he took off? It dissapeard, for months we were down to two.....I eventually found it shoved in a cupboard of paint sheets Confused.

My dh will do stuff but he does it like its putting him in pain, there is never any good will behind it and that negativity is what grinds me down.

Writerwannabe83 · 16/12/2013 12:15

I agree about hose articles - why the hell should we talk to our men like children and treat them delicately just to try and get them to do their share? They should man up, grow up and do what is expected of them!! I felt angry just reading them.

This thread has really empowered me - my husband is due back home today after being away for a few days and I think I'm going to sit down with him at some point over the coming week and just tell him how it is. Things cant go on like this because I will end up resenting him.

It's bizarre really because his dad is really house proud, does loads of housework, is really tidy etc so I know my DH wasn't bought up in an environment where it was a woman's job. However, apart from being at Uni (where he lived in student accommodation) he has never had to live alone. As soon as he left Uni he and his long term girlfriend bought a house together and I assume she took on the role of housework and they lived together for about 3 years. Soon after they broke up he met me and then I took the role on. He has never had to be self sufficient, I honestly don't think he has a clue how much effort it takes to keep a house tidy and running efficiently etc.

But, enough is enough, our baby is coming in 14 weeks and he absolutely HAS to change before that, end of story.

Golddigger · 16/12/2013 12:25

They are not brilliant are they?
If that is all google has to offer, there is a big problem.

Lazysuzanne · 16/12/2013 12:27

People are influenced just as much by the wider culture as they are by the domestic environment in their childhood home.

There are different sets of norms in different cultures and subcultures, we tend to adopt those of groups that we identify with and / or aspire to.

Not every one aspires to be like their dad!

LoisWilkerson1 · 16/12/2013 12:33

My husband used to be like this, I solved the problem in two easy steps-

  1. When he does do something like wash the dishes I make a big fuss, as I would a child. "thanks soooo much! Good boy!" He doesn't realise its sarcasm and gets all excited, bless him.
  2. If I need a job done and he hasn't done it, I tell him I'm going to ask another male, dad, friend, bil etc... works a charm!

*mwahhhhha!

Golddigger · 16/12/2013 12:39

I do use the second one! Again, it works brilliantly.

Lazysuzanne · 16/12/2013 12:39

I'm not sure I'd see that ass a solution - unless you want a partner whom you regard as an amusing pet who needs to be trained.

I mean it's hardly a partnership between intellectual equals is it

Sallyingforth · 16/12/2013 12:45

I think it's awful that in the 21st century, otherwise intelligent women will allow themselves to be treated like this.
FFS GROW SOME!

LoisWilkerson1 · 16/12/2013 12:48

Calm down folks, I'm being light hearted, but I have to say, being a bit more appreciative of each other in general does help. We always say please and thank you, I know lots of couples who just fire orders at each other.

Original poster
LimitedEditionLady · 16/12/2013 15:01

No i dont think praising him like a child will send the right message,thats still like hes doing me a favour and its an extraordinary thing Im not a victorian style lady scrubbing the floors wearing rags,im in the 21st century thats why its irritating me.

OP posts:
Golddigger · 16/12/2013 15:57

Sometimes I do think, and here I am going to be hated, that sometimes if it comes down to pride versus something else, sometimes, in something like this, I am prepared to lose my pride.

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