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Original poster

Help please on dealing with cruel colleagues during works christmas party

178 replies

chareli · 13/12/2013 21:43

Since I started in my job 6 years ago, my boss and second-in-charge have made cruel comments about me having body odour. They say it in a way that they don't exactly say my name, but I know theyre talking about me. The boss says something like "oooh, one of us didn't have a shower this morning", then the whole team (4 others) fall about laughing, even though theyre in their 50s and 60s and im only in my 20s. Once, I had been in bosses office and commented on how nice his and deputys dinners smelt, and as I left, I overheard the boss whisper to deputy "well, of course it smells nice, anything smells better than her!" and they both fell about laughing again.

I have asked friends and my family if I do smell. These people would tell me straight, but they say I don't smell. I even asked dp who would tell me straight up. He says I don't.

Now, the work Christmas party is coming up. We (team of 6) are all going out for high tea at a lovely place that I have wanted to go to for ages. Trouble is, I have been out in the past with them and each time the deputy has made a joke about my body odour at the table. Usually, its something like "gosh,, I don't know what would be worse, smelling like shit or smelling of b.o." Last time, she just started howling "b.o." repeatedly at the dinner table. She is 40 years old by the way. I was soooo embarrassed. It spoiled what would have been an otherwise lovely meal out as I really enjoyed the food.

What can I say if anyone starts this time? I don't want to be paying £40 to be insulted!

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 15/12/2013 23:28

Please ignore anyone who says the use of "cuntish" was ok. It wasn't. It's done now but don't undermine your position by using language like that in an office work situation.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 15/12/2013 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caitlin17 · 16/12/2013 00:01

No it won't make it up but when she's the one on the final warning or even worse dismissal, they're hardly likely to turn round and support her and say, " no it's fair, we are"

They'll just stick to a story she was in the wrong, no idea what came over her.

MistressDeeCee · 16/12/2013 00:40

Spending £40 to sit through an evening with ignorant fools? Please OP, do yourself a favour and spend that money on something really nice for yourself. & do take the advice of other posters and make a complaint. Its really sad that so many colleagues are joining in this bullying. You'd think 1 or 2 of them would have an ounce of sense in their heads, and challenge the others on this bullying behaviour. I also agree with DRivingHOLMESforChristmas advice though, just in case there may truly be an issue with body odour; either way if there was an issue a quiet word in your ear would easily have solved it. The bullying is unacceptable.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 16/12/2013 00:45

well done you!!! i am mega proud - and i dont even know you

KatOD · 16/12/2013 06:57

Hey OP, how are you doing?

lunar1 · 16/12/2013 07:10

Well done, that must have taken some guts!

MadameOvary · 16/12/2013 07:19

Does anyone else think that colleagues are projecting??? The boss in particular sounds like he might have a few hygiene issues himself!

What about the rest of them OP? Sounds like you could look them up and down and say "Ooh, projection much?"

Everyone else has said it all about how 100% unacceptable the behaviour is, no excuses at all, however, it might help you to see that YOU are not the problem here, that they are deflecting their insecurities onto you so no-one notices theirs, IYSWIM?

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 16/12/2013 09:19

If anyone pulls you up on saying "cuntish" then lie. Use how they perceive you to your advantage. "Cuntish? As if I would say that! Anyway I was trying to figure out who he meant when he said someone hadn't showered this morning. Its a game we play EVERY FUCKING MORNING!" :o

WinterWinds · 16/12/2013 09:54

TBH I think that this is a possible joke gone too far. What may have started as a throwaway comment (whether true or not) has turned into bullying when they saw that you didn't defend yourself in the beginning. You were an easy target for them.
My Dh used to be like this what started as harmless banter turned into downright nastiness. (especially towards me in front of others) but would do it to anyone especially woman friends of ours.He would belittle me and put me down.
One example was that i'd put on a bit of weight after my DS2 was born at my heaviest weight of 8 1/2 st Hmm am naturally small built and 5ft But far from being extremely overweight.
I was called a pig, I was called fat, my food intake was commented on and the comments about my (non existent) double chin and my not so flat stomach and love handles (all in front of other people) were a step too far

I used to ignore until I snapped one day and told him a few home truths. He was shocked that I fought back and honestly didn't realise he was being a cunt. I threatened to leave him if he carried on. He's never done it since but it has affected my own self body image now, even though it was so long ago. Those words stung bitterly and I will never forget how I felt at the time.

So good on you for standing up for yourself. its sounds like your boss was truly shocked that you fought back as he wasn't expecting it.
I'd be surprised if it gets reported as it will draw attention to the way others have been treating you. But if it does get reported then apologise for swearing and tell them exactly what drove you to react in such a way.

But in answer to your question I would not be attending the Christmas do tbh. Why would you want to spend time with these arsewipes and pay for the privilege to boot?
Spend the money on treating yourself.
Also if you are not entirely sure if you genuinely have a problem or not, i'd go to the doctor just for a second opinion.
I'd be concerned that so many people have mentioned it. Not that it excuses their behaviour so best to get this sorted if it is a problem.

Kinnane · 16/12/2013 10:59

OP, It would be good to keep notes or even record what is being said.
No one ever should have to work in this sort of horrible workplace and I hope somehow/someday that they will have to answer for it. If you decide to leave you could have a case for constructive dismissal, if you can prove that it is directed at you.

Mrswellyboot · 16/12/2013 13:53

Have things improved OP?

HoHoHopasholic · 16/12/2013 14:30

Well done OP. remember, if they pull you up about cuntish tell them they misheard, it was the 'Office cultish mentality' you were referencing as that's how systematic bullying over 6 years has made you feel.

Like you work in a cult of cunts < but dont say that last bit Wink

Darkesteyes · 16/12/2013 15:04

Winter your DH was emotionally abusive IMO

perfectview · 17/12/2013 07:39

Just returning to this post after a couple of days.

I was not suggesting anything and don't have any more information but this rang so many bells with me regarding the person I know and feeling they could have written the op that to hear everyone merely accepting the situation at face value rather than imagining there may be more to it just didn't sit right with me.

I certainly was not attacking the op and suggesting that mh problems are somehow a bad thing to be accused of having is not the tack I was on. It was more an empathetic response to suggest something which had not been mentioned but is nevertheless all too common.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 17/12/2013 08:15

hows things op

Original poster
chareli · 17/12/2013 13:30

Hi thanks for following my plea for help.

Since my little snapping incident, everything was fine until this morning.

The cuntish boss came in the sales office. He saw the shopping I had bought for my four indoor degus and starting having a go saying my house must smell. I told him (as I have numerous times) that my home smells fine because their house gets cleaned every two days. He then retorted 'ooohh, I can smell them from here". Why does he make such horrible digs at me?

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 17/12/2013 13:37

What a fucking arsehole. Id start making cracks about him needing a reinforced office chair if it was me. I HATE and DESPISE fattist comments but he has lost the right to have any respect off you OP. Hes lucky im not working there Because after handing in my notice my extremely computer knowledgable DH would have given me a present to leave them. A lovely little computer virus. Because if it were me id want revenge.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/12/2013 13:40

OP... I've read your thread in horror.

Instead of bothering to explain your standards of cleanliness to him. Could you ask him whether he would like to repeat these things at a tribunal but that is the way things are going and you are keeping notes. You expect to be treated as a human being and a valued employee, no more no less.

I would be seriously looking for another job.

nobeer · 17/12/2013 13:53

Chareli, I've read your thread with a sinking heart as it reminded me of when I was bullied at sixth form. I just put up with it and had to retake a year as I just stopped going to classes. You're a grown woman, don't let them get away with this despicable behaviour. Contact ACAS and ask them what you should do next, or if you can afford it an employment lawyer.

MonstrousPippin · 17/12/2013 14:32

Op I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Bullying is absolutely horrible and there's no doubt that is what you are suffering. Even if you did smell (and I doubt you do), their behaviour is disgusting.

Just to touch on what perfectview said, I also have a very close friend who suffered very clear auditory and visual halluncinations of people attacking him on a particular subject that he was anxious about. He heard people nearby talking about him, people in the street whispering about him, people on the bus openly laughing at him with comments about a particular subject and it's kept him off work sometimes. He's a professional, seems perfectly fine when you just have a chat. It was a real fight to get treatment for him as he didn't realise it wasn't true and begged for me to believe him. I've been with him when he's said to me "did you hear what they just said to me?" pointing to someone we've just walked past. The person was on the other side of the road and didn't even look at us. We wouldn't have even heard him if he said something.

I'm not saying that's what's going on in this case but I just wanted to defend perfectview because it does happen.

On the flip side, when I was at uni I lived in a shared house with 5 other people. There was one housemate who had terrible BO. Absolutely mind blowing aroma whenever he walked in a room. We obviously didn't treat him the way the Op is being treated as we weren't total cunts but it was mentioned a couple of times between the other housemates as it was so baffling - the guy had 2 showers a day and also managed to have a long term girlfriend. I guess some people can't smell so well? Anyway, I'm still mates with him decades on and it turned out a few years after graduation that he had some medical condition and he's since had treatment and it's all sorted.

Just to reiterate, your colleagues are cunts regardless of whether you smell. Make detailed notes of who says what and when so that you can take action! You have the whole of Mumsnet behind you!

pigletmania · 17/12/2013 17:21

Keep standing up for yourself, I would tre it back at him and ask him ho old he is, I don't think h is suited to the adult environment. What a total looser, you remember that. Is is no David Beckham, more like marshmallow man. I would tell him that if it's so strong it must be him. Complain to the MD too, they are probably unaware of his vile behaviour

MillicentTendancies · 17/12/2013 17:38

don't go! I feel so sad for you

report them for being nasty bullying shites

Try and stick some prawn / dog poo in the hem of one of their coats

Order lots of tena lady samples / pornography / dildos for the ring leader - to be delivered to work.

MillicentTendancies · 17/12/2013 17:46

I have just read properly sorry - blatantly the boss wants to nob you! He's either frustrated that he will never have a chance OR really immature and approaching this in a very immature way - harassing you to get attention.

I would really get another job and report this twat for bullying you. If I went to the afternoon tea, it would only be to ensure I spiked the bastards drink with mega laxitives and then you could tease him about the time he shat himself at that posh place until you get a new and better job : )

oldgrandmama · 17/12/2013 19:02

So sorry that OP has such horrible work colleagues. But I just wanted to throw something into the mix ... there are certain dietary supplements, available in pharmacies, health food shops, that seem to cause a distinctive body odour in those who take them, particularly supplements using fish oils. I can't remember which supplements - I'm busy right now, but will check and come back here. All I can say is, in some people, taking these supplements does cause some people to have a very distinctive smell emanating from their skin.