Help please on dealing with cruel colleagues during works christmas party

[chareli]

Since I started in my job 6 years ago, my boss and second-in-charge have made cruel comments about me having body odour. They say it in a way that they don't exactly say my name, but I know theyre talking about me. The boss says something like "oooh, one of us didn't have a shower this morning", then the whole team (4 others) fall about laughing, even though theyre in their 50s and 60s and im only in my 20s. Once, I had been in bosses office and commented on how nice his and deputys dinners smelt, and as I left, I overheard the boss whisper to deputy "well, of course it smells nice, anything smells better than her!" and they both fell about laughing again.

I have asked friends and my family if I do smell. These people would tell me straight, but they say I don't smell. I even asked dp who would tell me straight up. He says I don't.

Now, the work Christmas party is coming up. We (team of 6) are all going out for high tea at a lovely place that I have wanted to go to for ages. Trouble is, I have been out in the past with them and each time the deputy has made a joke about my body odour at the table. Usually, its something like "gosh,, I don't know what would be worse, smelling like shit or smelling of b.o." Last time, she just started howling "b.o." repeatedly at the dinner table. She is 40 years old by the way. I was soooo embarrassed. It spoiled what would have been an otherwise lovely meal out as I really enjoyed the food.

What can I say if anyone starts this time? I don't want to be paying £40 to be insulted!

I am sorry that this is happening to you, how awful. As you have said earlier you follow a hygiene routine so its not that. There is no harm in going to see your gp to check that there are no underlying causes.

Do you keep a mini wash bag in your bag with mini deodarant, wash gel, makeup & moist loo wipes? I always do and find that the moist loo wipes useful after a period or tummy upset.

After having 2 kids I find I sweat during the night more so I wash & use talcum powder under my breasts as thats where the sweat collects.

They sound like a bunch of twats OP. I would seriously go through ACAS it's stupid playground bullying and they shouldnt get away with it. I started a job for an agency that cleaned offices when I was 16/17. I naively walked into a worker getting too close to one of the married bosses. She was hellbent on getting me out and pulled all sorts of stunts because she was frightened I might have said something. Thankfully my boss managed to move me to a different site but if the same was to happen to me now I would be the first one to call them on their attitude and out a formal complaint in. Hope you get sorted OP. If we build your confidence up enough go out for the meal and then throw your drink over the first colleague to be a cunt to you.

Oh that sounds so bloody awful :(

I think you've become a scapegoat for an office full of very nasty people and cowards.

For your own health and self esteem you need to get out of there. They have ground you down and you sounds really sad and low. I know it's so hard to even think about applying for other jobs as your self esteem has been attacked over a number of years, but you honestly can't carry on in this environment, it sounds horrendous.

The smelling thing I'll deal with separately, as it's a totally different issue from the bullying. In no way is it your fault even if you stank to high heavens. It's a totally separate issue from the nastiness and the way they have made you feel about yourself.

If you possibly can I think it might really help you long term to gather evidence of their cruelty. Keep an 'evil bastard' log (!) with date and time and what happened and who did it. Keep this log for a few weeks, and also try and record it possibly? Don't know how hard this would be but might be good to have this hard evidence even though you can't use it in a court of law, you could use it to play to a director/ boss.

The reason I think you should keep a log etc, is that if you felt brave about it, you could complain and make a very big thing about it. This may help you feel better about yourself - but I totally understand that youre feeling too rubbish to think about something like that just now, so maybe just start gathering evidence and think what to do with it later.

Ps don't go to the awful sodding party! Don't put yourself in harms way, you won't enjoy it as every moment with them will be agony just waiting for the next nasty thing to happen.

Like others I am so angry on your behalf. Hold your head up girl...your resilience in the face of such abuse is astounding and your inner strength will see you through this. Ok so you're feeling pretty battered at the moment but take courage from the support you have found here.
Make Monday day zero. Draw the line in the sand. No more.

1. Go to doctors ( get a late appointment so that if there is a problem it will be detectable) explaining exactly what had been going on at work, ask for checks re body odour or conditions that might bring it on under certain conditions ( you might start the day fine but stress or even drinking coffee could trigger something ). Also make sure he/she records the impact this is having on your self esteem and mental well being. Take whatever action is suggested if he/she says there is an issue.
2. Send an email to your boss, HR and the overall boss. Keep it factual and non emotional. Say something like , ' I have taken note of your comments, jokes and direct references regarding my appearance and matters of personal hygeine. It is very hurtful and stressful to be the butt of jokes and comments on a daily basis and I am politely requesting that it stops. I won't be joining you for this years team Christmas meal as I am not feeling up to it but I am looking forward to the break and working with you all in the new year.' If doc says there is a problem you could add line saying 'confidentially I am under medical supervision for x condition and my dr assures me that you will understand that stress can exacerbate this',

All the best and I hope you have a great Christmas with your family and friends.

Re. Any smelliness...

I use super strong antiperspirant, the kind that lasts 48 hrs and isnt nicely scented or anything, just does the job. I use it where I sweat, so under arms and also (eek!) under breasts and behind my ears! It's cos I am ill and have a horrible side effect get really sweaty now, ugh! I put talc on bits that might get sweaty during the day, more so am comfortable rather than controlling smell. I also use femfresh occasionally if I'm going somewhere I need lots of confidence and just want to make sure I dont even have to think about it. I also brush teeth & use mouthwash for the same reason. Hair absorbs smells like cooking / smokimg so frequent washing plus dry shampoo if needed. then as a finishing touch I use an deodorant/ body spray to add on a nice smell.

I repeat- these are just tips/ sharing experiences just in case you do maybe need them. This is in no way justifying the evil wankers at your work. In no way.

This is an absolutely clear cut case of bullying. Even if HR are "in on the act" they actually have to follow procedure if you raise a complaint. Do you have a bullying and harassment officer where you work that isn't in HR? (There was one where I used to work as people didn't trust the stupid bitches who worked in HR there either ) if so you could speak to them.

Smell aside, there is NO excuse for this behaviour and they need to be pulled up on it. It sounds like you are a very thoughtful person, so if you can't find the strength to do something for you, maybe do it for the next person they try to pick on (or even for their own education as they clearly have no idea what is acceptable behaviour in the workplace).

Maybe have a chat with your GP if you're worried though.

I know you just want to go into work and do you thing, but...

You need to record them doing this, and start to take a stand. You will feel better about yourself, and as if you're wresting back some control of the situation.

Do it. What's the worst thing that can happen?

I have been utterly miserable at work, though for different reasons. It is untenable.

Something needs to change.

How terrible for you op. I can't believe fully grown adults could be so nasty and cruel. It makes me really sad/angry on your behalf. My gut reaction is that you don't smell ( based on fact you have asked your family and dh and they said no). I know most families and dhs would be honest, I know mine would. I actually think they are trying to bully you out and have just chosen this nasty way to do it. So sorry for you...they sound like a bunch of c.

Get a different job anyway, WTF goes for high tea on a works do.
That in itself is tantamount to constructive dismissal.

Take a hip flask, get shitfaced and tell them all what a bunch of cunts they are, have a taxi waiting before you do this!

Good luck.

First of all, this is bullying, and totally unacceptable and inexcusable. You deserve to be able to do your work without having to tolerate this behaviour. Please either raise it work as others have suggested, or find yourself a different job.

I'd also second the GP to get checked out, as I suspect that this nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe, you do smell is not helping your confidence either.

Good luck OP.

I wouldn't go & would politely outline the reasons why. "Your behaviour towards me is totally unacceptable. I find it cruel, personal & unacceptable. I have no wish to celebrate Christmas with you".
If HR are hopeless I suggest some legal advice.
Why on earth should anyone put up with bullying like this? It must be awful for you. I'm sure you don't smell.

Time for a new job, when you've won a tribunal.

They sound awful and nothing excuses their behaviour. Are you by any chance a regular consumer of garlic or spicy food? They sound like the types who would be intolerant of this.

Can I add my voice to those who are urging you to go to the doctor. It might be an underlying condition that needs attention.

Thanks so much for all your replies. So kind and helpful.

Well, it kicked off big time this morning. Me, a colleague on same level, and boss were sat in sales office. I was typing away minding my own business, when the boss got up to go to his own office/make a brew/visit the toilet/whocares. My colleague said "Oh, you re leaving us, are you?" and he replied, "Yes, someone forgot to shower this morning". Well, I am usually a nervous mess and just put my head down and secretly want to cry, but this morning I wasn't taking any shit. I replied to the bastard, "...and someone forgot to leave their cuntish attitude at home this morning".

Omg, I immediately thought what have I done, but he just looked embarrassed and shuffled off. Just to let you all know, this man is no oil painting. Hes a 27 stone mess who regularly comes into work without having shaved. Not a good look for a boss! The other colleague just looked shocked as hell, but I felt amazing! I then said I had to leave work because I will feeling ill from stress, was going to go and get some headache tablets and would be back in an hour. Can I get sacked for that? Heh heh heh!

OP, you sound completely lovely. Your work'mates', however, sound like cunts.

It doesn't matter what you smell like - they have no right to treat you this way. Please report them and then find a better job with nicer people! As the reaction on this thread must have shown you, this just isn't a normal working environment although you'd be forgiven for thinking so after putting up with this shit for so long.

Good for you ill bet that felt brilliant. Now keep it up every time they do it and get logging in case of a formal complaint.

Woah, that's brilliant! :D

This is bizarre behaviour by a whole office .

Well done op. I cannot believe you have put up with this for six years, why?

My heart goes out to you, don't put up with it. Record everything. Please look for something else. Cuntish is right. Where I work there is catty, bitchy chat. I hate it. When someone bends down one of the girls will snigger.. Ooh elastic trousers. I am a teacher!!!!

Suck a joke.

Some people are beyond belief! Would you believe, I used to get bitched about by this woman for... applying perfume and lipgloss during break time at work!! Of all things - when I found out I confronted the stupid bitch who turned out to be jealous. We kind of got on ok after that and luckily she left yesterday.

That's how nasty people can be - my sister has also had to put up with all sorts of shitty behaviour in various jobs as have I when I was a lot younger.

If you are young and quite quiet or shy that's all it can take for someone to decide to pick on you.
Whatever the reason it's inexcusable.
You can go on the internet and find the number for the trade union UNISON - they helped one of my best friends when she had problems at work and no HR to turn to.
UNISON provide local union reps who are experts at job-related legal stuff.
Tell the rep the truth about the bullying - they won't laugh at you or look down on you, they'll have sadly heard it all before I suspect.

Don't let them erode your confidence any more - look, you've had a good job for 6 years which it sounds like you've done well; write down all the positive skills you have gained from the main skills of your job to just being on time.
Then write down all the positive things you have in your life - you have a good DP, family and friends so you must be a nice person, write down the positive aspects of your personality or get your DP to do it.
Hopefully that will make you feel better.

Do see your GP - but to talk about the bullying; the GP is likely to sign you off for stress. Yes, ask if you have any BO but I bet you don't or if you do, it will be a minor issue.
Then get the advice from UNISON, and start to look for another job either in another dept or another company.
Buy some new clothes, get your hair done and go out there feeling good about yourself. But give yourself time to get over these people's nastiness too.

just been reading through this- op what an awful environment for you to work in!

please listen to what others have advised, HR and acas.
Send HR an email outlining what has been happening, give dates times names witnesses. Make them aware you have seen a doctor over an illness that has been exacerbates through stress over your working environment.

Legally they have to reply to you within 48hrs I think??

An investigation will go on, you may well be advised that you cannot work with these people while this investigation is underway so you can go on 'leave' with pay (not using your annual leave)
If so use this time to find another job- they prob won't give you a bad reference as they will want rid of you quietly.

do not allow this to continue-your self esteem and confidence with be eradicated by these people.

Good luck
Xxx

Well done op.

I really do sympathise with you OP bad I am not having a go at you but it might be wise to refrain from words like cuntish especially if this goes further as it could used against you in their case (seen it happen, not nice and not fair).

I know, I know but try to keep yourself pristine and on excellent behaviour (does not mean you cannot challenge, just be careful in the words you pick).

Good luck.

If it is true or not, they are being horrible. If its not true, ignore them, update your CV and get a new job.
HOwever, a really close friend of mine had this problem, her work mates were being awful.. & I had to tell her that they were right... So we went out and bought Shower gel with tea tree and mint in, Original Source, works a treat, (be careful with your lady bits, they will tingle and burn if u use to much!). Plus she started to wash her tops, shirts, bra and bed lined at 90, rather than 40. All in all, works a treat and she has been odour free for over a year now!

Oh my goodness, you are amazing!

After 6 long years of them harassing you and bullying you, you've still got a bit of you left to stand for yourself :)

Am genuinely really happy!

Now I don't think anything you did will get you fired, just make sure you keep on standing up for yourself but not crossing any employment line... You don't want them to be able to twist it round.

I would keep up the direct replies to the bullying, but just for your own sake next time drop the swear word. It's frustrating as really no other words will describe their cuntish behaviour, but now you've said it once as a shot across the bows, just need to keep your words above repproach.

I am so happy you came back with that brilliant quick witted response :) seems a shame to advise you not to repeat it in full.

OP: you haven't mentioned if you use an anti perspirant.

Well done for standing up for yourself, but maybe best if you miss the swear words out in future. :)

Best wishes to you.