Help please on dealing with cruel colleagues during works christmas party

[chareli]

Since I started in my job 6 years ago, my boss and second-in-charge have made cruel comments about me having body odour. They say it in a way that they don't exactly say my name, but I know theyre talking about me. The boss says something like "oooh, one of us didn't have a shower this morning", then the whole team (4 others) fall about laughing, even though theyre in their 50s and 60s and im only in my 20s. Once, I had been in bosses office and commented on how nice his and deputys dinners smelt, and as I left, I overheard the boss whisper to deputy "well, of course it smells nice, anything smells better than her!" and they both fell about laughing again.

I have asked friends and my family if I do smell. These people would tell me straight, but they say I don't smell. I even asked dp who would tell me straight up. He says I don't.

Now, the work Christmas party is coming up. We (team of 6) are all going out for high tea at a lovely place that I have wanted to go to for ages. Trouble is, I have been out in the past with them and each time the deputy has made a joke about my body odour at the table. Usually, its something like "gosh,, I don't know what would be worse, smelling like shit or smelling of b.o." Last time, she just started howling "b.o." repeatedly at the dinner table. She is 40 years old by the way. I was soooo embarrassed. It spoiled what would have been an otherwise lovely meal out as I really enjoyed the food.

What can I say if anyone starts this time? I don't want to be paying £40 to be insulted!

No one's having a go at her for using the word cuntish, it's more that they're advising her to go easy on the insults/swearing just in case these knobbers use it as ammo in any future legal proceedings.

Wow, you stood up to him, well done. Not sure I could have said what you did.

I am not having a go Cider.
Just a kind warning to not lower herself to their level or it weakens her case/position.

Uttering the word cunt or cuntish is an instant suspension at our place regardless of circumstance.

I think it is disgusting the way they are treating you and I would take it to your union to be honest

On the other hand, maybe you Do have body odour? Very often family can't smell it because it's a familiar smell to them
Do you think they aren't clumsily trying to tell you?
Do you have a shower every day? Are your clothes clean? Do you change your bedding regularly?
Have you got pets?
All of these things can lead to unpleasant smells
I am not condoning the way they are handling this by the way!

I wouldn't go to the Christmas party and you need to speak yo your boss and hr department. This is horrible. Pretty pathetic people. I don't think personally I would be able to stop myself being rude back to them. Do you have other people at work you get on with? Maybe chat to them and see if they can have your back too.

Ok I am going to be cruel to be kind here and go against the grain a bit. Yes, they are perhaps being rather unpleasant bullies in the way they are handling this, but if it is an ongoing problem from several colleagues then I am afraid to say that you probably do smell a bit unpleasant, more often than is acceptable.

I am struggling to believe that several members of your team would do this just for the fun of hurting you, it there were no truth in it. Perhaps they are completely frustrated at having dropped so many hints that you seem to have ignored and their patience is wearing thin.

You say you can trust the friends/family you asked to tell you straight but I don't think you can, actually. It can be pretty difficult to answer a question like that honestly, when you are uncomfortable with having to hurt someone's feelings. Or perhaps you are surrounded by other smelly people at home so you don't even notice anything unusual in one another?

If you wash and use deodorant daily then you should perhaps try changing your deodorant. They are certainly not all equally effective. Do you wash and change your clothes often enough? Do you wear a bra for no more than two or three days max?

Some people cannot get away with wearing anything more than once, others are more lucky, and less sweaty. Don't be in denial about what type you are - it will do you no good in the long run.

If you are absolutely sure that you do everything properly in terms of personal hygiene then you should visit your GP because you might have a condition that makes you smell even when you are perfectly fresh and clean.

OK, just read your other responses re: washing. I don't know if I missed it but you didn't mention anti-perspirant deodorant? Although frankly, even if you never used it if you are showering at least once, if not twice a day and wearing fresh clothes every day and still smelling then you really do need to see your GP. This is very sad, and not your fault.

Don't go.

Save your £40 and go another time with people who aren't peurile bullies.

I would agree don't go and I think if body odour was actually a problem someone would have had a quiet word in an honest, kind way.

To clarify,

• cuntish - myself and I think everyone else is really happy that the OP fought back for once and said it how it is. Just worried she ll get into trouble for language so must keep language clean in future as it would be awful to let the bullies chase her out due to her defending herself. Carry on swearing on here though!

• advice on products - no one is telling OP to use certain products, alot of people are sharing what they do to empathize, show she's not alone if there is an issue, and also sharing things OP might find useful

• finally... From what you said today OP, that sounds like some kind of hideous 'running joke' not an actual comment on smell. Your colleagues really are cunts.

Ps way too much info but ....

I use femfresh but am aware of the potentials problems with it, I use it on the err, shrubbery above and not underneath where the sensible bits are.

Sorry way TMI, but thought was useful to point out that it can be used in a 'safe' way.., gotta be better than spraying actual deodorant or body spray down there anyway!

(cannot believe I've just over shared quite that much)

Good on you Charlie, you need to do that more often to them, and out te baby twats in their place, you will feel so much better all the time. Wh should your boss fire you, for standing up for yourself. You have every right to be there. Go to te MD if they continue.

Next time tell them te local nursery is up the road if they would like to see their friends as they don't belong in an adult environment!

Such a shame you got to tethers end with having used the word cunt. This may go against you OP.
Done now so just refrain from doing this again and head straight to HR before they do.

Can someone please tell me the male equivalent of "femfresh".......oh wait.

I think Femfresh is available as you're not meant to put soapy, glycerine packed products on your vagina because of thrush/ irritation. Penises don't work that way.

Having said that, I don't use femfresh as the vagina is meant to be self cleaning, and so I'm fine with just using warm water.

Op reacted at te moment, from years of torment from members of the company including her boss. She did nt exactly tell them to fuck ff . Good on you op, ignore the mumsnet police. I am sure op will stand up for herself again mabey saving out naughty words. Hopefully ths has ught them a lesson, the more op stands up to the bullies, the better!

i posted earlier that i have a son who does not see the importance of wearing deoderant etc. despite my having told him and continue to tell him that he smells, despite; the fact he showers and changes his clothes.

there is a flip side to this whole problem - the way these people are making a joke of this at hte OPs expense is bullying - but it is extremely unpleasant to have to share a space with someone who does actually smell bad.
i am very able to tactfully tell people just about anything - and i have - i told a colleage that i thought they were dyspraxic - they got assessed and they were. What i found much much harder to tell her was that she did smell terrible some days. She invited me to her house, and when i got there i could see why - the place was so untidy and unclean there was no where to sit. She just didnt see the problem. I found it incredibly difficult to try to tell her and so i just ended up just not going, which was cowardly but i had no idea how to broach the subject.

i remain friends with her - i defended her from the bully mentality of a class full of people who all found her "odd" and "rude" and smelly. I would try to be middle man and try to explain to them why she was as she was and that she could not help it - and explain to her why they found her a little different....

i also used to partner up with her in practical exercises for work - i didnt mind but sometimes the smell was bad....and so unpleasant for me.

i can see this from both sides - sometimes people are just so uncomfortable about saying something they mask it with silly jokes and hints - its totally wrong - but i do think OP may need to address an issue she perhaps does not think she has - op - you do need to check why they say this - some conditions can lead to smelling terrible despite washing - BV can make a person smell fishy, you need to see a gp and tell them you are the butt of jokes at work because collaegues seem to think you smell - i would face that one head on and find out if you do.

someone impartial would tell you - your gp.

i have a house full of animals - my friend came around last week, she is lovely, and after fussing my new dog she said "i have to be honest with you now - your house smells!"
i just dont smell it because im used to it - but i have rats and cats and dogs, i find the smell of my animals comforting - but guests clearly dont! i have addressed it by moving the rats, using scented air fresheners around the house, washing the floors with bleach and removing the rug. it probably still smells - but im trying to address it - yes i was a bit taken aback - but i prefer to know! there is nothing worse than being trapped in a room with someone who smells, or being a house that smells....

your work colleagues are disgraceful - but please do go and get checked out so you are not giving them ammo.....

Just to say well done for standing up to them, but please watch your language in future.

I would also agree that a doctor's appointment is a good idea too.

Just to add another possible perspective on this. I know someone with mh issues who would believe that people were saying these kinds of things that was never witnessed by anyone else as they were a symptom of their illness (hearing voices).

It might be useful to record these comments just to have someone else tell you they can hear them too.

My goodness what a strange state of affairs. Truly bizzare behavior.

Err PerfectView are you saying that from whats been written on the thread you think the most probable conclusion is that the OP is hearing voices?

Must confess I'm a bit baffled by that post, unless you know something more about this?

And wondering how someone might feel about coming onto a forum to ask for help, feeling very fragile and isolated, and this being the response. Very unusual.

I think you've got perfect justification for using the word cuntish after 6 years of that shit. Well done. Hope you can continue standing up to them.
You really should speak to ACAS if you're not a union member.

Bullying is horrible, so whether you "smell" or not is of little relevance, your colleagues behaviour in a work place is absolutely shocking.