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Original poster

Help please on dealing with cruel colleagues during works christmas party

178 replies

chareli · 13/12/2013 21:43

Since I started in my job 6 years ago, my boss and second-in-charge have made cruel comments about me having body odour. They say it in a way that they don't exactly say my name, but I know theyre talking about me. The boss says something like "oooh, one of us didn't have a shower this morning", then the whole team (4 others) fall about laughing, even though theyre in their 50s and 60s and im only in my 20s. Once, I had been in bosses office and commented on how nice his and deputys dinners smelt, and as I left, I overheard the boss whisper to deputy "well, of course it smells nice, anything smells better than her!" and they both fell about laughing again.

I have asked friends and my family if I do smell. These people would tell me straight, but they say I don't smell. I even asked dp who would tell me straight up. He says I don't.

Now, the work Christmas party is coming up. We (team of 6) are all going out for high tea at a lovely place that I have wanted to go to for ages. Trouble is, I have been out in the past with them and each time the deputy has made a joke about my body odour at the table. Usually, its something like "gosh,, I don't know what would be worse, smelling like shit or smelling of b.o." Last time, she just started howling "b.o." repeatedly at the dinner table. She is 40 years old by the way. I was soooo embarrassed. It spoiled what would have been an otherwise lovely meal out as I really enjoyed the food.

What can I say if anyone starts this time? I don't want to be paying £40 to be insulted!

OP posts:
WellIShouldNever · 14/12/2013 11:52

Just seen what you said to your boss re: Cuntish attitude. Brilliant, wish I was that quick wited at times. Good on you.

Imnotaslimjim · 14/12/2013 11:55

OMG I've just read this through to the end. OP you are a star!! Well done you.

Have yourself an hour, maybe find yourself a coffee or something and chill out for a bit. When you get back, Hold yur head up high and I bet they leave you alone. While you're gone, word will have got round it ITS A GOOD THING. Chareli no longers take the shit from them!!!

Caitlin17 · 14/12/2013 12:21

I don't want to throw a dampener on this but I really hope you didn't say cuntish. Or if you did he didn't hear it and only picked up on "attitude"

If you did don't use it again . It could work against you.

justtoomessy · 14/12/2013 12:27

I'm glad you stood up for yourself but it is a strange thing to have about 50 staff all saying the same thing. You say you wash but do you wear antiperspirant?

spiderlight · 14/12/2013 12:32

Oh, well done you!! Awesome.

clam · 14/12/2013 12:34

This is unbelievable. Do people really behave like this?

CeQueLEnfer · 14/12/2013 12:36

OP, sorry to ask, but... do you wear deodorant? Like, every day?

PTFO · 14/12/2013 12:44

Well done for standing up to them. after 6 years its hardly surprising you snapped. These shits you work with have gotten used to bullying you and you taking it.

I WOULD speak/write to HR. Make it clear that this has been going on 6 years and tell them that the complaint INCLUDES HR in the bullying. Make it clear it was their job to ensure that IF you did smell that you were told directly and privately rather than put you through hell, you didn't deserve that. I'd see how that convo went and keep a legal action comment up your sleeve.

Lets smell them sweat over that!

personally for peace of mind I would see GP ask them if you smell and if anything could cause it. If all comes back negative then you KNOW they have made this shit up and I would go down the legal route. If the gp did find something then you get a chance to sort it. Hell I think you should still go down the legal route. I only mention GP as like someone else mentioned they might not actually be able to smell it.

let us know how you get on and chin up,

BillyBanter · 14/12/2013 12:45

just it may be that there was one time the OP came in smelling less than fragrant and someone made a 'joke' and it's become a running 'joke' where people jump on the bandwagon following the lead of a bully. That's common enough.

Well done for standing up for yourself. I hope it is enough for them to stop their behaviour.

Although they way they have been behaving towards you is deplorable it is worth considering that you might have a BO issue some or all of the time, which is why I suggested asking your GP.

I've had an issue with the armpits of some clothes which absorb sweat and bacteria from armpits, hold onto them through a wash, seem ok when put on in the morning but at some point during the day get 'rejuvenated' by fresh sweat and are not pleasant. It is the waste product from the bacteria that live on sweat that causes the unpleasant odour. An anti bacterial wash (say tea tree oil wash) under my arms combined with special washing measures on those particular items of clothing resolved this.

For the clothes there are a few things that might work. 90 degree wash as mentioned. Dipping the armpits in a cup of boiling water for a mintue before the wash, washing the armpits in the same anti-bacterial wash as my own armpits or using vanish oxy-action either in the wash or dipping the armpits in a solution before washing.

mhappney · 14/12/2013 12:53

That is abuse. Unbelievable, really. I wonder if you could take legal action. Those people sound horribe. I started a new job a few months back at a nursing home type place parttime, I am an RN, and the other nurses have quite an attitude about me, too, and I have been nothing but pleasant. It creates such a negative work environment. It's meant to be cruel, because if you did smell, they would just tell you or the people you trust would. Don't let the bastards get you down.

perlona · 14/12/2013 12:57

I'm so glad you stood up for yourself!!!! Your colleagues sound like obnoxious cunts. Remember bullies are cowards, as you saw with this idiots reaction. Don't let them away with it. Fly with your inner bitch.... Grin

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 14/12/2013 12:58

Good for you, OP. Well done for standing up for yourself. I'm glad that bastard looked shocked. Hope you enjoyed your hour's break.

LizzieVereker · 14/12/2013 13:02

Sweetheart Flowers

Well done for standing up for yourself. I would see your GP just to put your mind at rest, but what utter utter childish bellends you work with.

stayanotherday · 14/12/2013 13:20

But even if there was an issue and I'm not saying there is, this behaviour is disgusting and for six years. I think it's jealousy because you're younger, could be better at your job than them, have a happy life or for being quiet and shy. It's inexcusable. Well done for standing up to them. I would call them on further comments by asking " was that directed at me?" and "could you say that again?".

Caitlin17 · 14/12/2013 13:28

Agree withstayanotherday the next time a comment is made say, " sorry,not sure what you mean, can you explain/is there a problem?"

Shockers · 14/12/2013 13:31

I'm glad you said, "Cuntish attitude", rather than calling him a cunt directly, which could get you into trouble as a personal attack. You need to keep yourself safe, whilst letting them dig themselves in as deep as possible.

My DD has terrible problems with odour, both body and mouth, despite showering twice daily and having a very thorough oral health routine. She can't smell it on herself, but we let her know (gently) when it gets unbearable.

One thing that has helped of late is switching to a mineral based deodorant that is odourless. DD is on daily meds for epilepsy, we think this is partly the cause of her problem.

headlesslambrini · 14/12/2013 13:48

well done you. If the people you trust tell you that you don't smell, then you probably don't.

Gruntfuttock · 14/12/2013 13:52

If I were the OP, I'd have had this all out in the open long ago. I'd ask to speak to them all together (is there a boardroom where you can all sit round a table?) and discuss the issue. I certainly wouldn't have waited 6 years to do it though. They're all saying you have a body odour problem. It's embarrassing, but I would ask them about it and though it's very personal and shouldn't really be their business I would tell them about my personal hygiene régime, regarding showering daily, using anti-perspirants, wearing clean clothes, brushing teeth regularly etc. Then I'd say that because I couldn't see what else I could do, I was going to speak to my GP and get all the tests possible done as it is such an awful situation for all concerned. As has been mentioned, there are conditions which cause bad body odour regardless of how scrupulously clean the person is,

I'd confront them about the bullying tactics of course, as that's cruel and unprofessional, but I feel that if such a discussion took place, there would be better attitude. It seems that for 6 years the OP's colleagues have been complaining that the OP smells and nothing has changed. It can't go on any longer like this. Such a miserable, thoroughly unpleasant working environment.

Unless the OP's colleagues are all making it up, (possible but highly unlikely IMO) I would assume that they would want the OP to leave and that swearing as she did this morning could well be used as a reason for dismissal.

AlpacaPicnic · 14/12/2013 14:14

Well done you!

If you get confronted about swearing, then maybe apologise for your use of language but then state that from now on, you will be recording every single detail of any unpleasant personal comments made towards you.
Do it. Obviously and blatently in front of them. They need to see you doing it. Question them if they make implied comments, loudly and in front of everyone.

Darkesteyes · 14/12/2013 14:36

Im sorry but i think they could well be making it up This sounds like a pack mentality to me.
And im a bit Xmas Shock at ppl telling the OP to use products like femfresh. The GP and nurse practitioner at my surgery have both said that these so called feminine hygiene products upset the natural bacteria and cause thrush. No one has said anything to me but i sometimes get paranoid about the smell when im on my period. I was told ON NO ACCOUNT to use that stuff.

Gruntfuttock · 14/12/2013 14:41

Even if the OP's colleagues are making it all up and have been keeping it up for 6 years, it still needs bringing it out into the open and having the discussion I mentioned in my previous post. I can't imagine putting up with insulting comments for all that time and not having it out with them.

Darkesteyes · 14/12/2013 14:42

OP i think their treatment of you is disgusting. So glad you stood up for yourself today Thanks

TheCrackFox · 14/12/2013 14:59

It really does sound like a pack mentality, a running joke and as it has been going on for 6yrs (fuck me) her colleagues seem to have totally forgotten she is a human being with actual feelings.

Chareli - it sounds highly unlikely that you have BO if you shower twice a day, anti-persperant and wear clean clothes. However, it might be worth getting a second opinion from a doctor (who will tell you you don't) and then you can log the bullying with him and get signed off with stress if appropriate.

Check your house insurance as you may well be covered for legal advice.

Realistically start looking for a new job, one which isn't entirely staffed by a bunch of cunts.

Ghostsdonttalk · 14/12/2013 15:11

OP glad you made the first move today on recovering from this. Go over to the Mumsnet legal boards where you will get advice.

You also might need counselling after six years of this emotional abuse. Do you have access to this through work?

CiderBomb · 14/12/2013 15:18

Why are people laying into the OP for saying the word "cuntish"? The man in question sounds like a cunt anyway.

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