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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not wanted exH to bring my daughter home?

155 replies

flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 12:21

Dd, 6, felt ill after school yesterday. She had a temperature, earache, off her food etc. ExH was supposed to be collecting her from school today but as it seemed she wouldn't be going I asked ifhe wanted to collect her last night instead as it's on his way home from work and it saves him the hour trip here. He did so but has called this morning saying he thinks dd has chicken pox and wants to bring her home now as his gf is pregnant. His gf has had it twice and though it's unlikely she'd catch it, I appreciate them wanting to be careful.

However, he hasn't seen dd for a month and won't again for another three weeks. I've had no time to wrap presents etc and this was my weekend to get organised for Christmas. Dd has had a sickness bug and ear infection in the past month and my other dd has been poorly too so I've had countless sleepless nights looking after them, so much so I've developed eczema which is a reaction to being run down according to my doctor. Dd is upset and asked that his gf stay elsewhere as she hasn't seen her dad for so long. Her mum lives round the corner so she could do that. ExH, however, said its her home too and he's not going to ask her to do that. Dd said 'i thought it was my home too?' Sad

AIBU in thinking it shouldn't always be up to me to deal with everything? If dd had had chicken pox when I was pregnant it's not as if I could or would have shipped her out until she was no longer contagious.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 13/12/2013 12:23

Is there no way he can have her next weekend?

sutekidane · 13/12/2013 12:24

YABU. Isn't chicken pox dangerous for unborn babies or something? If you had the chance to take caution when pregnant, you would.

WorraLiberty · 13/12/2013 12:27

Is he not going to see her over Christmas at all?

I wouldn't put a pregnant woman at risk if it's avoidable, but your ex really needs to compromise here and at least visit his DD.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/12/2013 12:27

Your poor daughter, having such wanker for a father :(

Of course he shouldn't send her packing because she's inconvenient to him and of course she should feel that his home is her home.

But unfortunately she now knows very well where she comes in her father's priorities, and you should probably let her come home.

It must be shit for her to have to beg for her own father to act like a parent to her.

TheNightIsDark · 13/12/2013 12:28

It is harmful for the unborn baby.

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 12:29

No, Primal, he has plans with his gf for the next three weeks. I understand it's dangerous, I was the one who pointed that out to him. If I was pregnant and my step child hadn't seen their dad for a month I'd stay at my mums.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/12/2013 12:29

What is harmful for the unborn baby?

The girlfriend has already had chickenpox.

WorraLiberty · 13/12/2013 12:31

JoinYourPlayfellows, it's not a matter of his DD simply being 'inconvenient' to him.

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 12:31

No, Worra, he's going away with his gf. He's having her for a day before she goes back to school despite having three weeks off work for Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 12:32

It is slightly different here as it's chicken pox and gf is pregnant. But dd gets sent back from contact or not collected in the first place every time she's ill.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/12/2013 12:34

Is it her first baby?

iloveweetos · 13/12/2013 12:34

Just take her back. Make dd feel at home at home. No point arguing cos he clearly won't budge. The way I see it is if as a mother you were pregnant and dc had chicken pox ypu wouldn't tell them to go somewhere else. Ime it's not worth the hassle. If he can't be bothered to make arrangements to fit dd then don't force x

Pooka · 13/12/2013 12:34

If I had had chicken pox twice I wouldn't feel especially blasé about having contact with a person with chicken pox again, while pregnant.

I'd assume my immunity wasn't great.

However, if I was the step-mother in this scenario, I would take myself off to my mothers house for a break if it was the only way my partner could see his daughter for many weeks.

WooWooOwl · 13/12/2013 12:34

Your ex sounds like a wanker, but I'd think most people would want their children to be at home with their primary carer if they were ill with chicken pox, so YABU.

CranberrySaucyJack · 13/12/2013 12:34

YANBU. When she's in his custody, these sort of problems should be his responsibility to sort out instead. If both the DD and the foetus were his GF's kids (and the OP didn't exist) then the GF would just go and stay at her mum's without any fuss. Why shouldn't she do it now?

AuntieMaggie · 13/12/2013 12:37

Doesn't matter if the gf has had it before - I've had it twice before but have had strict instructions from my mw about coming into contact with it or any other illness.

hoppingmad · 13/12/2013 12:38

I understand your frustration and I hate when the nrp does this. It screams part time parent.
My ex did this a lot - wouldn't have them if they were ill as he didn't want to catch it, wouldn't have them if he was ill as he was too tired. Wouldn't have them when for over a month after his wife had a baby as they were too tired!

I, of course, have them 24/7 when I'm poorly or they are, when I'd just given birth to twins. If he & I were still together he would have them 24/7 too.

Yanbu to be annoyed at the mindset of arranging the dc's around his life instead of his life around the dc's. they pick up on it - my own dc's were well aware they would never be a priority to him.

Fwiw my ex went NC less than a year after the new baby arrived.

WorraLiberty · 13/12/2013 12:38

I've had CP 3 times but thankfully not during pregnancy.

Lj8893 · 13/12/2013 12:38

If the gf becomes pregnant again in the future and her child has chickenpox what would she do?

NotYoMomma · 13/12/2013 12:39

because it is her house and she is pregnant?

you can be damn well sure I woukdnt be leaving my home
when I was pregnant for anyone. it sounds like a one off and in the circumstances I would bite my
tongue and let it slide

make a note by all means in case it happens for every illness but no way should a pregnant woman be made to get out of her house

WhenSarahAndStuckUpTheChimney · 13/12/2013 12:40

I had chicken pox twice, the second time because, as Pooka says, my immunity wasn't great and I was already ill and run down with tonsillitis when I contracted it the second time. I'd be very concerned about contracting it a third time, especially if I was pregnant.

We don't know that his new partner does have somewhere else to go and stay so OP's daughter can stay with her father.

But it sounds like she's better of with you anyway OP. It's not right or fair to you or your DD, but at least you will both know that she is being taken care of properly and you can reassure her and comfort her at home if she feels her father doesn't want her.

MsColour · 13/12/2013 12:40

I completely understand your resentment at feeling you have to do everything but your dad is best being with her mum when she's unwell. I imagine you feel a little p'd off about him seemingly putting his new partner and unborn baby above his dd which I can understand.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/12/2013 12:42

"you can be damn well sure I woukdnt be leaving my home when I was pregnant for anyone."

So if one of your children got chickenpox when you were pregnant, you would send them elsewhere?

JumpingJackSprat · 13/12/2013 12:44

Poor stepmum. Even when she hasnt actually done anything other than be pregnant, shes still in the wrong.

AmberLeaf · 13/12/2013 12:44

We don't know that his new partner does have somewhere else to go and stay so OP's daughter can stay with her father

Op said the gfs Mum lives around the corner.

I would be worried about CP around a pregnant woman, but your EX does sound like he can't be arsed.

He has three weeks off over christmas and he only wanted/planned to see her this weekend? Nice priorities. Hope his gf is taking notes, as it may be her childs turn in a few years.