to not wanted exH to bring my daughter home?

[flummoxedbanana]

Dd, 6, felt ill after school yesterday. She had a temperature, earache, off her food etc. ExH was supposed to be collecting her from school today but as it seemed she wouldn't be going I asked ifhe wanted to collect her last night instead as it's on his way home from work and it saves him the hour trip here. He did so but has called this morning saying he thinks dd has chicken pox and wants to bring her home now as his gf is pregnant. His gf has had it twice and though it's unlikely she'd catch it, I appreciate them wanting to be careful.

However, he hasn't seen dd for a month and won't again for another three weeks. I've had no time to wrap presents etc and this was my weekend to get organised for Christmas. Dd has had a sickness bug and ear infection in the past month and my other dd has been poorly too so I've had countless sleepless nights looking after them, so much so I've developed eczema which is a reaction to being run down according to my doctor. Dd is upset and asked that his gf stay elsewhere as she hasn't seen her dad for so long. Her mum lives round the corner so she could do that. ExH, however, said its her home too and he's not going to ask her to do that. Dd said 'i thought it was my home too?'

AIBU in thinking it shouldn't always be up to me to deal with everything? If dd had had chicken pox when I was pregnant it's not as if I could or would have shipped her out until she was no longer contagious.

Surely that can't be a serious reply fudge face? That one child's future mental health through not seeing her dad for one visit outweighs the life of another? WTAF.

YANBU. It's pretty stupid of people to be going on about 'an unborn child at risk' when an actual, real life child is being put at risk of all sorts of future mental health problems due to her father making her the last thing in his priorities. That is just as serious as chicken pox, and a lot less avoidable ffs, since it's obvious that both the father and the girlfriend have options to stay elsewhere if it is chicken pox.

This.

It's also being ignored that chicken pox is far more dangerous in adults and the OP hasn't had it - and she is a single parent with a young toddler as well as her DD. Yet she is expected to gaily shoulder the risk of pneumonia while providing two young poxy kids with a Christmas, with nary a complaint?

And not only can you not catch shingles from chicken pox - you can actually reduce your chances of developing it by exposure to CP. That's one of the main reasons we don't vax against CP in this country: until all older people are vaccinated against shingles, the boost to their immunity against shingles, afforded by exposure to kids with it, is considered more important to public health than eliminating the pox itself. So MIL could even benefit!

I don't blame the GF at all here. Her baby must be her main priority. But the father's attitude is abysmal, and not just over this - and I'm pretty shocked nobody is seemingly bothered that his refusal to shoulder any actual responsibility is grinding the OP's own health down, too, because she has to carry the lot.

OP, have you any options in terms of backup care in case you do succumb? (You may not - DH is immune, despite never having had the pox that anyone ever noticed - presumably he had a very mild bout as a kid. My uncle, even more weirdly, was unexpectedly immune to TB and was told he must have fought it off without treatment as a child! Immunity can be unexpected sometimes.)

I feel for you OP. your Ex sounds like a twat. I bet he's the sort that goes on about his rights as a parent, but conveniently forgets about responsibilities! My good friend has an ex like that too.

I think he should have sorted something out, but I really feel for your poor dd.

Bunnyjo, I missed your post - I'm so sorry for your loss, and didn't mean to be insensitive to it.

I think, though, that the very real and apparent harm this father's attitude is doing to his child should count as much as a theoretical risk, given he can choose to take his DD to his mother's for contact. Nobody is expecting the GF to risk her baby - just an alternative to be found so her father acts up to that title. It is upsetting that people are somehow giving the man a free pass because his GF is pregnant, when there are ways of dealing with this that don't risk the baby while also not risking his daughter's emotional welfare.

I'm disgusted at some of the replies on this thread. If it was the GF posting about her baby being put at risk then it would be a different story.

OP have some sense and decency. Your ex may be a twat but it is not the GF or her babys fault.

Go and get the CP vaccination yourself. Do not risk a babies life. Deal with the other issues regarding your ex as a separate issue.

OP have some sense and decency. Your ex may be a twat but it is not the GF or her babys fault.

Erm, how has she said it is? Or anyone else? Nobody is blaming her, or even expecting her to do anything differently or to put herself to any inconvenience. They're saying the father, knowing he's seeing his child once in 7 weeks over Xmas, should make alternative arrangements.

Can't fathom how that means the OP lacks either sense or decency. It's his own daughter at question, so why is it unreasonable to expect him to make arrangements for her care for once?

So the pregnant GF should move out of her own house when the OP can just have her DD back

Ah, I'm beginning to understand your position. You aren't reading the thread properly.

The OP is suggesting that if his GF doesn't want to stay at her mum's (despite her mother living round the corner and having two perfectly good spare rooms, and knowing her partner and she are about to have a three week holiday over Christmas, during which time he has no plans to see his young child) her ex could take their daughter to his own mother's. A place his daughter is comfortable, has stayed before, and wants to be. That way his GF wouldn't be disturbed in any way, but a little girl wouldn't feel pushed out and rejected by her father... again.

Not only do I not blame the GF in any way and agree she shouldn't have to leave her home when pregnant (and as the OP has repeatedly said, nor does she) though it would be a nice gesture as a step-parent if she chose to, of course... as it happens, I pity her. I wouldn't want a child with someone who has already proven himself such a terrible father.

Yes. I just feel very sorry for the GF (About the CP & having a child with this waste of space). Having been put in a potential CP situation by someone who thought it was nothing myself, I remember oh so clearly how frightening it was.

The father is obviously crap. If my DD was ill, personally I wouldn't want her with someone like that and would want her home with me.

I feel for the OP, but she can just go and get a CP vax. I did it and it's no big deal.

I was going to suggest she did that as well, actually, but then realised it's Friday and her dd is coming home so she may not be able to sort childcare - can't take a poxy child to a surgery - and they aren't cheap, being private (and she'd need one for her DS as well) so it might simply be unaffordable for her. And by the time she can sort one they'll all be exposed as well.

It's not that I don't feel for the GF, and on both counts - I'm heavily pregnant myself (though as I've nursed DS through it after having it badly as a little girl, I'm pretty sure my immunity is robust!) and that tends to focus the mind on risks to the pregnancy. But I have to say, I'd go and stay at my Mum's in her shoes, because that poor little girl. Not saying she is obliged to, as it isn't her child, but I'd do it. I've done a lot in this pregnancy I really didn't feel like because DS needed me to, and it's not such a huge ask, really, staying at your mum's. It isn't like she's being asked to kip on someone's sofa, and otherwise this child won't see her father over the whole of Christmas.

It depends on so much doesn't it. If the GF gets on with her mother, how she's handling pregnancy, hormones etc.

CP vax's are about £60 but so worth it imo. Might be worth asking the ex if he can chip in.

£60?! Even per jab, that's good going. I was quoted £200. I was planning to ask the GP how much it would be to privately prescribe & administer my new baby with it, as I assumed that would be less, but not got around to it yet.

Bit of a time constraint likely for the OP, but if she can swing it I agree it would be best. CP in adults is often really nasty. I infected my mother and she was very ill.

covered

Do you have any concept of how vaccines work? Even basic knowledge of the type a 11 yo would obtain in science class?

You know that they don't inject you with instant immunity,don't you?

The vaccine is designed to make your body produce the antibodies that prevent you getting sick, most vaccines take 20 odd days to prompt your body into doing that.

A vaccine administered to the op at the time of someone in her house having cp and during the contagious period is unlikely to make little or no difference to the op catching anything from her dd at that time (will make a difference after its had a chance to do its job but will not have done that until after dd stops being contagious.

And stopping with your mother or mil overnight for 1 night is not moving out of your home.

Perfect

Its available on the NHS if the child regularly comes into contact with a close family member whose immunity compromised.

And they won't do them under 12 months most of the gp's around here charge between 60-75 but private clinics do tend to cost a little more

What do people think pregnant women do when their own child has chickenpox? Send them away until the danger period has passed? Avoid school pick up and drop off, play dates, mother and baby groups etc. etc. for the duration of their pregnancy?

Having said that, I wouldn't go out of my way to expose an unborn child to chickenpox, and the DH seems to have plenty of options for making arrangments to avoid this, although some of them may involve he or his parents changing their plans.

I think that if you have never forced the issue before and you want him to maintain contact, it is worth making a point and insisting he keeps her or takes her for another weekend over the next month. Maintaining contact with his daughter and having a young baby will involve him being inconvenienced and he needs to take this on board and get used to it.

Or you can decide that his childishness was why you are no longer together, let him bring her home and take no more responsibility for encouraging the relationship.

Why not ask dd's dad to stay for the weekend at yours? That way he can see dd and his gf is not at risk (unless your dh gets cp).

They can't go out and do anything whether he has planned it or not because of the cp.

You might not like the idea, I'm sure there are reasons he is your ex but it would be good for your dd.

Is it just me that thought you couldn't get chicken pox more than once- I understand about shingles btw but that is not CP.

Perhaps the gf has not had it all in that case.

DS had mild chickenpox just before my due date with DD and I was told that baby would benefit from my immunity (I had had it before) until I stopped breast feeding.

Don't know what other variables affect this.

And stopping with your mother or mil overnight for 1 night is not moving out of your home.

If it is her partner's home it is also his children's home. Chicken pox are inconvenient. Children are constantly inconvenient. If you have a relationship with somebody with children the inconvenience they cause is part of the deal.

YANBU, at all! Yes, it could be dangerous for pregnant GF but as you said her mother lives around the corner. For the sake of DP spending time with his daughter, any normal person would offer to stay there for a couple of nights.

That being said, I'd have DD home. She's probably going to be quite upset realising that it's no longer her home too, and it doesn't seem that she's going to have a very pleasant stay. It's a shame for you that exH is so selfish, but you've just gotta do what you've gotta do!

Nobody is disputing the possible risks of chicken-pox. The issue in dispute is whether should be the OP's responsibility to sort out her ex's childcare issues during his court-ordered contact time.

I really don't see how anyone can say that it is. It's his child that's ill. It's his girlfriend that is pregnant. AFAIC it's entirely his problem to fix.

Obviously as the child does have two "homes" (!), one solution could be to ask the OP if she would mind having her DD this weekend if he made the contact time up next weekend or whatevs.

But that isn't what's happened. Instead, he's just dumped the child back on her real parent as the first sign of any trouble. It's nearly 2014. Society shouldn't be making it acceptable for pathetic excuses for fathers to behave like this.

the gf doesn't HAVE to do anything but if my partner had a dc that he hadn't seen in a while and I could go and stay elsewhere then that would be the grown up thing to do - considering that she is effectively a step parent and the dc is her unborn baby's sibling.

if I was pg and at risk from my own dc cp then I would debunk to another house if it were possible - they are being unreasonable to not consider the option to enable the father to care for his dd while the expectant mother remains safe - it's what parents do when children are sick - rearrange to look after dc and keep life running where possible - you have to work as a team except daddy can't be fucked to do that - he is an arse and his partner is petty and selfish.

OP YANBU.
Court ordered contact time, his problem, his responsibility. DD is not some sort of doll who should only be made available for contact when she is in perfect working order. As someone already mentioned, this is a daddy who shouts about his rights but is happy to abdicate his responsibilities.

Hope DD is okay. She's probably better off at home where she'll be looked after and know that she's loved unconditionally.

Just to clarify, the reason dd is particularly upset that her dad didn't want her to stay is that it's our former home that she was born in and lived in until we separated and dd and I had to move into a hostel. That's why she sees it as her house, or at least she did, more so than the girlfriends.

I asked exH to be careful how he's behaving because he already moved dd out of her bedroom and turned it into a nursery without consulting her, last contact he dropped her off at his mum's because his gf had a headache and he had to look after her Now this time dds upset by not getting to see him because of gf and baby again. He said I'm out of order to say anything and that he'd keep dd seeing as I couldn't be bothered to look after her...! He refused to tell me what plans he'd made for her to be cared for though. Phoned his mum this morning and dd has been there since yesterday afternoon, without her dad and he's still going out with his gf today Going to collect her now.