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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not wanted exH to bring my daughter home?

155 replies

flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 12:21

Dd, 6, felt ill after school yesterday. She had a temperature, earache, off her food etc. ExH was supposed to be collecting her from school today but as it seemed she wouldn't be going I asked ifhe wanted to collect her last night instead as it's on his way home from work and it saves him the hour trip here. He did so but has called this morning saying he thinks dd has chicken pox and wants to bring her home now as his gf is pregnant. His gf has had it twice and though it's unlikely she'd catch it, I appreciate them wanting to be careful.

However, he hasn't seen dd for a month and won't again for another three weeks. I've had no time to wrap presents etc and this was my weekend to get organised for Christmas. Dd has had a sickness bug and ear infection in the past month and my other dd has been poorly too so I've had countless sleepless nights looking after them, so much so I've developed eczema which is a reaction to being run down according to my doctor. Dd is upset and asked that his gf stay elsewhere as she hasn't seen her dad for so long. Her mum lives round the corner so she could do that. ExH, however, said its her home too and he's not going to ask her to do that. Dd said 'i thought it was my home too?'

AIBU in thinking it shouldn't always be up to me to deal with everything? If dd had had chicken pox when I was pregnant it's not as if I could or would have shipped her out until she was no longer contagious.

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/12/2013 13:22

But she doesn't have two homes, does she?

It's been made very clear to her that her father's home is not her home and that she only has one home with you.

She's been unceremoniously forced to go elsewhere because her illness is inconvenient.

He does this every time she's sick, so it's just to get him out of having to care for her when she's poorly.

DESPITE HER ASKING HIM TO.

What a complete toe rag.

Original poster

flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 13:23

Fact is he's off work for three weeks. He could give dd his undivided attention and care. I, on the other hand, am working full-time as well as looking after a poorly toddler who now is no doubt going to catch chicken pox over Christmas and will have to take time off to care for both of them alternately and be split between the two as well as attempting to organise Christmas.

OP posts:

TalkativeJim · 13/12/2013 13:24

Do you have the option to call his mum and ask if DD can stay there?

One thing I would be doing is letting your DD know in no uncertain terms that you had hoped very much that she could stay with her Dad and had tried hard to find solutions. It doesn't help her to allow his twatty parenting to actually undermine her relationship with what sounds like her only committed parent. If it's a toss up between her being allowed to see her Dad for what he is OR letting a less than responsible parent poison her relationship with her mum, I know what I'd choose.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 13/12/2013 13:26

She can have her immunity checked, I had mine done as ds1 had cp when I was pg with ds2. I don't know how quickly the results would come back though.
If it was a case of "go home to your mum's this week but I'll have you the next weekend instead" (or whenever cp has passed) I don't think you'd be bothered. I find it hard to understand how a woman can want to have a child with a man who is so disinterested in his earlier children. Or for that matter how a parent can not want to maintain regular contact with their dcs after a separation.

Original poster

flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 13:29

She heard me ask him about staying with his parents on the phone but he said no. He and gf are busy tomorrow as are grandparents apparently. Thing is he knows I won't badmouth him but at the same time I won't let dd be lied to and fobbed off. However, if I said to dd that gf could stay at her mum's her dad would tell her I don't want her back leaving her more upset and torn

OP posts:

diddl · 13/12/2013 13:31

If the gf went elsewhere whilst daughter stayed, what would the chances be of the gf getting it via ops ex iyswim?

My PFB had it when I was pregnant & I was told that as I'd had it, it was all OK.

But gf seems susceptible having had it twice?

Sadly though, he doesn't sound very bothered about his daughter-I'm surprised he took her at all yesterday, knowing that she was ill.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/12/2013 13:32

"He and gf are busy tomorrow"

Oh, are they indeed?

Right, so his daughter is sick but his weekend plans can't be messed with so he can look after her?

oscarwilde · 13/12/2013 13:37

Your Ex is a complete toe-rag. YABU

diddl · 13/12/2013 13:37

How can he be busy tomorrow if he was supposed to be having his daughter?

Original poster

flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 13:54

She was going to be left with his sister while they went out apparently but she has dc and doesn't want them to catch CP

OP posts:

hoppingmad · 13/12/2013 14:09

So he hasn't seen her in a month and even before this decided she wasn't as important as what he's got planned. Clearly he has such a hectic schedule he couldn't possibly plan things for the 28 other days in the month.

Yanbu - he is a cock

ballstoit · 13/12/2013 14:11

YANBU He has her once a month and still planned to dump her on someone else during that one weekend.

CP is only a risk if mum has it at the time of the birth...when's baby due?

Just say No. You have plans too, and can't rearrange them. It'll be good practice for both ex and stepmum, and help them prepare for real life parenting.

TwoMinutesToMidnight · 13/12/2013 14:26

I was pregnant with dc2 when dc1 had chickenpox. I think exh is being unreasonable. As op said if it was her in this situation she wouldn't be able to ship dd away so why should he. Besides the gf has had CP already so extremely low risk of catching it again.

TwoMinutesToMidnight · 13/12/2013 14:27

And her MWs would've checked her immunity kevels at booking.

oscarwilde · 13/12/2013 14:28

Is it actually confirmed that she has chicken pox?
"He thinks she has" - in his expert opinion.

Lets assume that she has,and she is currently at his house. Then his GF has already been exposed so that horse has bolted imo. His option is to act like a responsible parent and cancel his plans for tomorrow. Unless he is getting married/best man or has a court appointment then it's sh*t happens. Tough. I would be having some pretty stern words about the level of effort he is making.

Option 2. Your toddler is probably brewing it anyway as they've been in contact. Your DD is only 6 and her father is a total waste of space. She's a little young to have this pointed out to her but if your ex is saying that you are insisting on it, I'd read the riot act to him and I'd say "Im sorry honey, but Daddy wants you to go home with me". Unfortunately, I'd probably suck it up, take her home and look after her properly in an environment where she feels wanted. I'd also push for a formal contact arrangement or remove him entirely as best you can but I know nothing about this scenario.

Can you insist that your Ex give you some cash towards some childcare if she has to be off school next week? Or that he takes time off on Monday to cover you at work?

Tapiocapearl · 13/12/2013 14:35

I had to check with the midwife previously for myself. Chicken pox is not harmful to an unborn baby if the mother previously had chicken pox. A pregnant woman only needs to worry if she has never had chicken pox and even then the chance if it causing problems is tiny.

Tapiocapearl · 13/12/2013 14:36

Ask the pregnant lady to check with her midwife/go

Original poster

flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 14:46

Her midwife said to avoid dd completely. But then she works in a school and hasn't had time off to avoid it where it's doing the rounds there. He's off for three weeks now Oscar so he could have her to save me taking time off/possibly prevent toddler dd and I from catching it. Except he won't.

OP posts:

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 13/12/2013 14:47

I feel for the DD in this, its obvious to her now, she isnt a priority to him, a sad lesson for a little girl to learn, my DD's dad hasnt seen her since 26th october and probably wont be around for xmas either.

AuntieMaggie · 13/12/2013 14:48

There's a massive assumption being made about the gf being able to stay with her mum - just because she lives round the corner doesn't mean she is able to stay there. My mother lives 5 minutes away but there is no room for me to stay, she wouldn't want me there and I wouldn't want to be there.

The other assumption is that it is actually chicken pox and not some other virus which regardless why would any pregnant woman want to take the risk.

Also what sick 6 year old doesn't want to be with their mother when they're ill?

TortillasAndChocolate · 13/12/2013 14:55

Your ex is being unreasonable - not for looking after his pregnant gf, but for putting his DD last. Why do some people have no awareness of how their behaviour will affect their children? She's right, it should be her home too but he obviously doesn't see it like that.

Just let her come home and give her extra love and show her she's the centre of your world. At least then she knows she has one parent putting her first.

I've been where she is and it's not nice. I'm just thankful that my mum always picked up the pieces.

Hope she feels better soon

Original poster

flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 14:55

She IS able to stay with her mum, she has two spare rooms and no other guests - it isn't an assumption. She could also stay with other family members, exHs parents etc. So if children can only be with mums when ill, but pregnant women shouldn't be around any ill children, what do you propose pregnant women with aneexisting child?? Dd has said she feels too ill to travel home. She wants to stay in the warm and see her dad, not be turfed out when there are many other options.

OP posts:

KringleCandleLover · 13/12/2013 14:55

He's off for three weeks now Oscar so he could have her to save me taking time off/possibly prevent toddler dd and I from catching it.

But its ok for a pregnant woman to catch CP?

MuffCakes · 13/12/2013 14:58

OP I think your incorrectly blaming the gf and expecting to much of her. Why should she go an stay with her mum. HOw do you know the ins and outs of her relationship with her mum? Also does anyone know (or her) how long chicken pox virus lasts on surfaces, I wouldn't risk it if I was her.

The issue here is your ex doesn't see his daughter enough and doesn't co-parent instead plays daddy when he feels like it. He needs to step up or you need to lower your expectations and your dd's of her shit fathers.

Summerblaze · 13/12/2013 15:00

You are well rid of that twat. Unfortunately the same can't be said for your dd.

Take her home and make her feel loved by you. He could sort something out so he sees her but actually can't be arsed. He was already planning to dump her on someone else tomorrow even though he hasn't and won't be seeing her for so long.

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