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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not wanted exH to bring my daughter home?

155 replies

flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 12:21

Dd, 6, felt ill after school yesterday. She had a temperature, earache, off her food etc. ExH was supposed to be collecting her from school today but as it seemed she wouldn't be going I asked ifhe wanted to collect her last night instead as it's on his way home from work and it saves him the hour trip here. He did so but has called this morning saying he thinks dd has chicken pox and wants to bring her home now as his gf is pregnant. His gf has had it twice and though it's unlikely she'd catch it, I appreciate them wanting to be careful.

However, he hasn't seen dd for a month and won't again for another three weeks. I've had no time to wrap presents etc and this was my weekend to get organised for Christmas. Dd has had a sickness bug and ear infection in the past month and my other dd has been poorly too so I've had countless sleepless nights looking after them, so much so I've developed eczema which is a reaction to being run down according to my doctor. Dd is upset and asked that his gf stay elsewhere as she hasn't seen her dad for so long. Her mum lives round the corner so she could do that. ExH, however, said its her home too and he's not going to ask her to do that. Dd said 'i thought it was my home too?' Sad

AIBU in thinking it shouldn't always be up to me to deal with everything? If dd had had chicken pox when I was pregnant it's not as if I could or would have shipped her out until she was no longer contagious.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/12/2013 15:00

TBH, he sounds so shit, I wouldnt want to leave my daughter there at all any more than necessary.

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 15:00

A pregnant woman who's had it twice and could stay elsewhere for a few days is far less likely to catch it. Caring for your own child shouldn't be optional in my opinion.

OP posts:
MuffCakes · 13/12/2013 15:01

The gf is not in that situation OP and if she was she would already of been far to much exposed for it to make sense for her to move out. CP starts being contagious before the spots come out.

There is no point getting pissed off with a hypothetical situation. It is her dads responsibility not the gf.

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 15:04

MuffCakes - I already said upthread that I don't blame the gf. ExH could take dd to stay at his mum's.

I've never had it so me getting it will be worse than for children, plus I'll have two ill children to look after singlehandedly, who knows how much time off work...

OP posts:
diddl · 13/12/2013 15:07

What, leave your daughter with MIL?

But she's supposed to be with him.

If he can't/won't have her-isn't it better than she's with you?

fromparistoberlin · 13/12/2013 15:08

he sounds delightful

its nowt all to do with CP really, its that this is his only weekend and he wont re-arrange and has hurt your DD

I am sorry as you are very much the single parent here OP, and dealing with the fallout of his carelessness and the pain it causes

yanbu

and agree with amberleaf, his GF should watch this carefully

what a TOSSER

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 13/12/2013 15:09

OP, have you a plan for if you catch it, my exSil had it in her 30's and she was desperately ill to the point of hospitalisation.

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 15:11

No, diddl, I mean he could stay at MILs with her and look after her.

OP posts:
MuffCakes · 13/12/2013 15:11

I do see where your coming from but from your dd's point of view being shunted about here and there while poorly isn't great. As for his mum why should she have to put herself at risk of CP and shingles?

I think it would help you to turn it around in your head and stop wanting him to fix up. Accept he's a shit dad and count your blessings with your dd. Stop making contact so easy for him (I wouldn't completely stop it but have it on your terms only) it will only hurt your dd more in the long run being with him when she's not particularly and get on with your life.

I say that as a DM of a dd with a shit dad who wouldn't look after dd while she had CP so I could go to work even though he wasn't working that week.

Poloholo · 13/12/2013 15:11

Doesn't help with the situation with your ex per se but you could get toddler innoculated against it. Need 2 doses but understand risk of contracting it, even if already exposed, drops significantly. I got DC done once they hit a year as I had it badly as a child.

MuffCakes · 13/12/2013 15:12

And you are more likely to catch cp before spots come out so if you haven't had it yet make plans asap for if you do catch it.

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 15:13

Lucius - yes I know it can be bad, my friend ended up hospitalised with shingles as a result. That's why I'd rather avoid it if possible as I have no help available.

OP posts:
MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 13/12/2013 15:14

Maybe she could sleep at yours but Ex could pick up/drop off sat and sunday daytimes and he and her could spend daytimes together, away from the gf?

KringleCandleLover · 13/12/2013 15:14

Re reading your OP it is obvious that DD was quite poorly before ex picked her up.

For me, I wouldn't send my child out who is ill to their dads,no matter if DD wanted to go or not. I wouldn't give a monkeys whether ex had last seen them 6 months or 6 days ago. I would want to keep my child at home with me just in case ,say, a gp is needed.

The reason I say this is because your ex sounds as though he is an hour away? 60 miles ish? Perhaps not local enough to get DD to an emergency app at the docs if she needed to be seen.

Either go and get her or ask ex to heat the car before he puts her in it and wrap her up warm and bring her home.

As for the gf going elsewhere yabu. Its not your call what she does. The fact that you know so much about her parents living arrangements is weird. Unless she is a member of your family.

Lj8893 · 13/12/2013 15:15

muffcakes shingles is to do with your nerve endings, you can't catch it from chicken pox.
I've had shingles 5 times, I'm practically an expert lol.

BruthasTortoise · 13/12/2013 15:17

I sympathise with you OP, I really do but, as a SM whose DSSs have a truly shit parent, I think you're going to have to accept that your DDs dad is, at best, going to be an infrequent visitor in her life. It's unfair, it's not right but if that's the way is going to be you might as well embrace it even if only for the sake of your own mental health.

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 15:17

Muff - it's 5 mins to his mum's, it's an hour home to me. So less shunting around. His mum has had it so far less likely to catch it than me. I know he's shit but dd shouldn't have to accept that. He should change.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/12/2013 15:17

Sadly, it sounds as if you don't want her back as you have stuff to do.

But I wouldn't want her with such an incompetent twat whislt she's ill.

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 15:19

Kringle - there's a contact order in place so I can't just choose not to send her if she's ill.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/12/2013 15:19

Of course he should change-but if he won't, it's surely not fair to keep inflicting him on your daughter!

sutekidane · 13/12/2013 15:21

I agree with bruthas. You can't make someone care so sometimes it's better to deal with it so you don't constantly feel like this.

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 15:22

Diddl - of course I want her back and to look after her. However, her healthy father who's off work should be better equipped to care for her than an already run down mother who's likely to catch CP and have two children to look after.

OP posts:
MuffCakes · 13/12/2013 15:22

OP your most probably already going to get it, whether you make her dad have her here there and everywhere or not unless you haven't seen her for a week prior to outbreak.

lj I just had a google and your right, I always thought shingles was what you caught if you caught CP when old, but it's not its if you've already had CP.

I agree with diddl sadly

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 15:24

Diddl, sute - what do you propose I do to 'stop inflicting him on her'? He's her father, there's a contact order.

OP posts:
shoom · 13/12/2013 15:24

I think you'd get different responses if you'd posted anywhere but AIBU.

Clearly he's part-time babysitter. He's not thinking or behaving like a parent. He'll only see his child when it's convenient and expects his sister to assist with childcare so he can go ahead with his weekend plans.

His daughter's ill. Has he contacted the nhs helpline or anyone else for advice on how to help her feel better? Did he think of ways to continue the weekend? Or was his first thought to phone the child's mother and tell her to sort it out?

And if OP were on a plane or otherwise unavailable?

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