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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not wanted exH to bring my daughter home?

155 replies

flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 12:21

Dd, 6, felt ill after school yesterday. She had a temperature, earache, off her food etc. ExH was supposed to be collecting her from school today but as it seemed she wouldn't be going I asked ifhe wanted to collect her last night instead as it's on his way home from work and it saves him the hour trip here. He did so but has called this morning saying he thinks dd has chicken pox and wants to bring her home now as his gf is pregnant. His gf has had it twice and though it's unlikely she'd catch it, I appreciate them wanting to be careful.

However, he hasn't seen dd for a month and won't again for another three weeks. I've had no time to wrap presents etc and this was my weekend to get organised for Christmas. Dd has had a sickness bug and ear infection in the past month and my other dd has been poorly too so I've had countless sleepless nights looking after them, so much so I've developed eczema which is a reaction to being run down according to my doctor. Dd is upset and asked that his gf stay elsewhere as she hasn't seen her dad for so long. Her mum lives round the corner so she could do that. ExH, however, said its her home too and he's not going to ask her to do that. Dd said 'i thought it was my home too?' Sad

AIBU in thinking it shouldn't always be up to me to deal with everything? If dd had had chicken pox when I was pregnant it's not as if I could or would have shipped her out until she was no longer contagious.

OP posts:
sutekidane · 13/12/2013 15:27

I didn't say anything about not inflicting him on her. I said that I agreed with bruthas who said you might need to accept he is going to be infrequent in her life. I think you need to accept he's a shit and won't change and find a way to help your dd deal with it too while still complying with the contact order. If you get yourself this angry and upset every time he lets your dd down, it's going to affect you far more in the long run than accepting he is a shit and not expecting much from him.

TheBigJessie · 13/12/2013 15:28

I can see why he's an ex.

The fact is, he is prioritising himself, and he doesn't see his daughter as his responsibility. Just yours. If he wanted to find a solution that worked for his child, he'd have been on NHS direct checking about incubation periods and the like. He'd have been weighing up whether it was good to ship an ill little girl about, and whether there is any point.

And he won't change, either.

diddl · 13/12/2013 15:37

Stick to the contact order but nothing else.

I don't get why you asked him to have her yesterday-not his day-knowing that she was ill.

Stop trying to get him to take an interest beyond what he wants.

TheWitTank · 13/12/2013 15:52

Can he not take her (DD) out somewhere like the cinema or a meal so they can spend some time together but put his GF at risk? I can't understand why his GF has to be involved at all.

TheWitTank · 13/12/2013 15:53

Sorry, NOT put his GF at risk. Stupid phone.

TheWitTank · 13/12/2013 15:57

Oh sorry just realised she is still poorly-I thought she was feeling better -how is he so sure it's chicken pox? Has she got spots coming out?

Ruffcat · 13/12/2013 16:26

Ex sounds like a wank, the gf knew he had a child before they got into a relationship and going to her mums isn't really that much of a hardship.

But tbh your ex isn't interested and could be using pregnancy as an excuse not to have dd.

So me, I'd go get her and I'd tell dd that daddy said she had to go home. Then I wouldn't call him or arrange anything again. I'd make sure I was at home at the time he was due to collect and drop off but that is all I would do. I would become very inflexible and awarkward

Justforlaughs · 13/12/2013 16:36

He sounds like a tosser, and your DD sounds like she would be far better at home with you. I know that you have plans around Christmas preparation and I really get that, but in this instance I think you need to go pick up DD, make sure that she isn't made to feel an inconvenience to you and let her recover in her own, everyday bed. I'd also be telling Ex that he needs to see her over Christmas and should cancel whatever urgent plans he has already made, to accomodate his DD and I'd be pointing out to his present girlfriend that she had better hope that they don;t split up or next time it might her in your situation. Angry

oscarwilde · 13/12/2013 16:46

So there's a contact order in place and it's his weekend? Sounds straightforward then, he needs to sort a solution even if it's a hotel.

CoveredInSellotape · 13/12/2013 18:21

YABVVVU.

It is dangerous for unborn baby. When I was pregnant I got exposed by my arsehole SIL. The hospital gave me a jab and were talking about giving me steroid injections for babies lungs in case I went into early labour.

TwoMinutesToMidnight · 13/12/2013 19:35

How is the op being unreasonable? Her child's fatger should have EQUAL responsibility when it cones to looking after his daughter. Not be a PT dad and have her when she's well for fun and games. Being a parent means looking after your children in sickness and health. Your partner should come second. He fact his GF is pregnant is neither here nor there. If she quite rightly doesn't want to risk exposure then she should leave for a few days - op has clearly stated alternative living arrangements are easy for her. This is what happens when you date someone wirh children - you should expect they put their children above you. I put my child above myself let alone my husband.

LouiseAderyn · 13/12/2013 19:52

The gf got involved with a man who has dc already - that means accepting she will sometimes have to deal with the reality of sick kids, who aren't hers and that her dp has commitments beyond his relationship with her.

I would be seriously concerned about my own and my children's future if my partner was willing to dump responsibility for his own dc so easily.

He is a loser, OP and you have only 2 options 1) refuse to collect dd so he will have to cope or 2) resign yourself to the fact your child hasn't got the dad she deserves and go and get her.

I wouldn't leave my dc with a dad who didn't want her. They would be home with me in a heartbeat.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 13/12/2013 20:39

yanbu

he should take your dd to his mother's but clearly just can't be arsed

CoveredInSellotape · 13/12/2013 21:28

Yeah alright, put an unborn baby at risk to make a point. Hmm

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/12/2013 21:31

YABU, if she was that ill you should have told him you would prefer to keep her home close to her doctors etc. Chances are he would have agreed so no problem re court order.

I agree with diddl in that it sounds like you dont want her back as you have things to do. A poorly child should come before anything.

DoJo · 13/12/2013 22:11

It seems patently obviously to me that if the your ex had ever put himself out to be a good father to your daughter that you would be more than happy to try and work around this current situation and not feel quite so frustrated. However he clearly hasn't and it's unlikely that a new girlfriend and baby will improve that situation, so the only thing you can do is accept (and if possible try to embrace) the position that leaves you in.
If it's any consolation, my dad was like this - I was once returned to my mother in a delirious fever because a cousin I had never met was coming to stay and he didn't want me to infect anyone. However, I have just spent over an hour and a half chatting to my mum on the phone, and have neither seen nor spoken to my dad for three years. It's a VERY long game, but you will always be the one who was there for your daughter and that will be what she remembers. Good luck and I really hope you don't catch the pox.

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 22:27

HappyMummyofOne and Diddl - he never takes my word for it that she's ill. He always does this - collects her, tells her all the wonderful things they'll now be doing without her then returns her to me when she's upset that she's missing out for me to deal with it.

OP posts:
CranberryCookie · 13/12/2013 22:35

On the one hand YANBU, especially as you haven't had it and there are other options for the pregnant gf to stay away from your dd.

It does depend on the agreement you've got though, and whether he gets to enjoy the good times with dd. My dss's mum only allowed us minimal contact (my dh hadn't married her so few legal rights) - one short day roughly once a fortnight at her convenience and never birthdays/Christmas/Easter/summer holidays etc. But she would still send him when he'd had d&v and not mention it so that we'd all get ill. Happened a lot - meant I missed out on seeing a dear aunt before she died and on another occasion had to run a marathon I'd spent months training for having lost half a stone to one of his bugs. Really wound me up as it was like she was saying you can't have him for any of the good times but you're damn well going to have the bad times!

But assuming you're not restricting access then YANBU.

Someone may already have said this up thread, but it's contagious two days before the spots appear so haven't you and your toddler already been exposed?

Good luck, although I don't see how you'll escape it in the next few years with a child at home. If you don't get it this time perhaps you should pay to have the vaccine?

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 13/12/2013 22:48

He only gets good times with her Cranberry. Returns her if she's ill, doesn't do homework, never takes her to school/activities/parties. Yet the time he does get with her he wastes by palming her off on anyone who'll have her or leaving her to play computer games all day.

OP posts:
PorkPieandPickle · 13/12/2013 22:49

I'm a pregnant stepmum, and if my DSS caught chickenpox I would expect DH and his ex to come to an agreement to change the current contact so our unborn child wasn't put at risk. My DSS is a great lad, and we have a fab relationship, but. I wouldn't putting be unborn child at risk- nor would I move out of my own home to go and stay with my mum-morning sickness and tiredness etc would be horrible away from home.

However likewise, if DH's ex was pregnant and I wasn't, I would expect DSS to come and stay with us to protect her unborn child. That is compromise and working together.

There is no point comparing this to a situation where a mum has a child with chickenpox and is pregnant because this is a totally different situation. By the same comparison you wouldn't necessarily get a break from your dd to wrap presents etc if you were still together.

Yes it is your ex's job to parent, but it is both your jobs to parent together despite your differences. My DH and his ex hate each other tbh, but when it comes to what is best for DSS they suck it up and get on with it.

Dd shouldn't actually be taken out with chickenpox anyway. What about the immunosupressed people she could infect on her travels between houses?

CranberryCookie · 13/12/2013 23:14

Then you are definitely not being unreasonable. Hope you manage to resolve things so she can stay with her dad or his mum...

Bunnyjo · 13/12/2013 23:50

OP, your exH's GF is pregnant. She has suffered with chickenpox twice. In all honesty, there is a possibility that she will contract chickenpox if exposed again. She has already contracted it twice.

Putting aside all the arguments about whether this is fair or not, at the end of the day an unborn child could be at risk. For that very reason YABU. It does not matter whether you believe your exP and DD could sleep elsewhere, or even that the GF could. You have no intimate knowledge of any reasons why this may be impractical, therefore you are only assuming they could stop elsewhere.

Finally, my harsh words come from a genuine place. I was that (12wk) pregnant mother with a DD who had chickenpox. I had my immunity checked and it came back that I was immune. Alas, I wasn't and I suffered a horrific mc, subsequent haemorrhage and pneumonia alongside the chickenpox that I was supposedly immune to...

I would not wish that on my worst enemy Sad

FudgefaceMcZ · 14/12/2013 00:02

YANBU. It's pretty stupid of people to be going on about 'an unborn child at risk' when an actual, real life child is being put at risk of all sorts of future mental health problems due to her father making her the last thing in his priorities. That is just as serious as chicken pox, and a lot less avoidable ffs, since it's obvious that both the father and the girlfriend have options to stay elsewhere if it is chicken pox.

apachepony · 14/12/2013 00:12

Bunnyjo, that's terrible, sorry to hear that.
Op for this situation yabu. My dsd's mother was pregnant at the time bird flu was around, and I remember thinking at the first sign of any illness in dsd we would have to get her straight over to our house. Similarly I would expect dsd's mother to keep her at her house if she had a potentially contagious disease and I were pregnant, & I think despite us not having the easiest of relationships, she would no problem. A pregnant woman should not have to leave her home, and an unborn child should not be put at any risk when the child could easily stay with her other parent.
But it's not just about this incident is it? It's ludicrous he's not seeing her over the 3 weeks and in that respect yanbu.

Bunnyjo · 14/12/2013 00:21

Fudgeface, having lost a unborn child to chickenpox, I find your comment idiotic at best and fucking cruel at worst. I would say something much stronger, but I'd probably get deleted!

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