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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:

Sparrowlegs248 · 11/12/2013 22:49

Christmas dinner isn't exactly hard is it. Its a glorified roast. What would he be doing in that half an hour if not at the pub? Is it just the principle that you object to?

pianodoodle · 11/12/2013 22:50

If you're going to introduce a Christmas "tradition" into your new family it should be one that includes everyone not one that only includes your family of origin.

When I was little we went for a walk after dinner. If I wanted to include that as a tradition to be carried on the way to do it would be go for a walk with my husband and children, not go for a walk with my mum, dad and sister.

caruthers · 11/12/2013 22:50

SabrinaMulhollandJjones

I do all the cooking and pop off to the pub at Xmas.

And I don't find it a problem....competition households can be so miserable.

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2013 22:51

caruthers - how is it pulling together and making it fun exactly? When everyone's buggered off to the pub leaving a very unhappy Op?

cjel - have you not read the opening post?

youretoastmildred · 11/12/2013 22:52

"Can I have a tradition where I have all the fun and someone else does all the work and when they protest they're firmly told to get a grip, please?"

this is exactly what it is - it is not accidental - it is a tradition invented to reinforce the sense of freedom of the men by happening in exactly that way at exactly that moment.

Lots of posters have pointed out ways it could be done more equitably. But no,

"Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked"
and
"and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!"

this whole tradition has a symbolic value that is about men being out and about, free, while women are indoors preparing the delicious meal they will come back to. it is even laid out that it has to be specifically while the meal is being prepared and that the OP must be at home doing it to add the piquance to the man's jaunt outdoors.

it is sociologically and symbolically fascinating
but not surprised you don't like it

clam · 11/12/2013 22:52

Roast yes, but it's the "glorified" bit that's a pain. Particularly the last fiddly half hour.

BlingBang · 11/12/2013 22:52

Thing is, if I was invited to someone's for Christmas dinner, I'd just feel it was so rude to bugger off to the pub and leave someone behind to continue doing work - I just wouldn't be comfortable.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 22:53

Derailing slightly but is it just me that is thinking that the "oh why dont you all go?!" idea is a bad one?

I cant drink during the day, a glass of wine at lunchtime and I would be off with the fairies all afternoon and asleep by five! Not saying the OP shouldnt if she wants to, but that the thought of walking back into the house slightly merry and having to finish off Xmas lunch would be a recipe for disaster!

I like a drink, but I get all the important stuff done first as I am good for nothing after I have had a glass of wine :o

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 22:53

So, caruthers, why are the OP and mother being excluded then? Would you be happy to be left at home? Because that's what OP's DH is doing to her:

"...and just me and his mother would have to stay behind and do the dinner."

cjel · 11/12/2013 22:54

Branching - Because pub only opens an hour at miday at christmas.
Piano - BUt his family tradition at christmas includes spending time on his own with his brothers and his dad.
Don't forget its for a very short time when nothing actually needs 'doing ' in the kitchen it can all be done before or after.

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 22:54

cjel, she obviously appealed to his reasonableness simply by coming up with suggestions for a compromise. Not sure why that is so hard to understand She didn't dictate to him and say you're not going and that's final. She tried to compromise so that it was a win win situation for both. Not a win situation for him as he got his way and she didn't. Give and take.

Yes, she acted a bit put out BUT IN A JOKEY WAY (the OP's words). She didn't then have a row about it. Do you honestly not know it takes two to row? The scenario probably went something like this: She would have said her piece, he would have said she's being unreasonable, she would have come up with some compromises, he would have maybe dug his heels in, she might have stood her ground, things probably got said on both sides - i.e. a row! A normal row that is not one person's fault. It is not automatically her fault they had a row because she brought something up that she wasn't happy with.

caruthers · 11/12/2013 22:55

SabrinaMulhollandJjones

It's Xmas dinner not silver service waitressing.

The drama is unbearable isn't it?

As I stated earlier, competition households are an unhappy place.

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2013 22:56

Bogey - but that's not the point. The OP might be teetotal but she has every right to escape the kitchen along with everyone else and enjoy her orange juice in a lovely merry pub atmosphere with her DH! Why the hell should she have to stay behind?

EQ2Junkie · 11/12/2013 22:56

OP says that her H informed her that me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner whilst he, his dad and any siblings buggered off for a friendly relaxing drink.

Rude and inconsiderate at best.

OP has every right to be upset that she is informed that she will be staying behind with the dinner and that her objecting means she has spoilt it.

I would be tempted to serve him beans on toast.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 22:58

Caruthers - do you think it's fair that the OP's dh has told her she's to "stay at home with the dinner" ?

Lisavarna · 11/12/2013 22:59

Um anyone else think it would be helpful if the OP stepped in at this point and offered some feedback??

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 22:59

Roast are not hard no. If you are used to cooking them.

And even if you are, Xmas lunch is Roast Plus. Lots of expectations, lots of extras, lots of chances to fail. Couple that with being left to do it alone with a Sous Chef who you have never cooked with before (the OP doesnt know if the MIL is a faffer, a panicker or a spoony fucker) and it is a recipe for disaster.

And thats without the looks over the table at her selfish husband and FIL.

clam · 11/12/2013 22:59

Caruthers What's all this about competition households?

Ledkr · 11/12/2013 23:01

Op why don't you tell him that you traditionally had Xmas on a beach in Thailand? And then hop on the plane!

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:01

SabrinaMulhollandJjones

Don't be so dramatic.

She doesn't have to if she doesn't want to does she?

What about the other siblings? I suppose they don't have any morals either.

Just kick the bloke in his Xmas crackers and break out a bottle of pityme Châteauneuf-du-Pape.....nobody is physically forcing her to stay put she's making that choice.

cjel · 11/12/2013 23:01

Tabliope.

What if it went this way - she was acting put out and not at all jokey as he could see she was crabby without discussing any of it. she then started to tell him he couldn't go because it wasn't fair and it was sexist and she wasn't going to put up with it. Then when she realised she had been a bit harsh she tried to think of ways to say that, but by then he was angry so snapped that he wouldn't go?
She realises she really doesn't mind as long as they can do all the lunch together before and after and would even appreciate him taking half the guests out for a bit so she could have a break but by then she has spoiled both of them looking forward to christmas day?

Why is your scenario more likely than mine?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 23:02

Read the OP caruthers - it's exactly what's happened. He's told her - it's not her choice. Do you think it's fair?

clam · 11/12/2013 23:02

Caruthers Sounds as if you've already broken open the chateau-neuf!

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 23:03

Bowlers totally agree! I am on TeamOP for this one, read back if you would like to see my more sweary posts about the sexism here!

I was just saying that there are many people saying "Oh we all go to the pub at lunchtime and take the kids with us!" and I couldnt face that :o I would be in my cups by 2pm, asleep by 5pm and having a hangover at 11pm, all on one glass of wine. But....if my first drink was at 7pm I would be 2 bottles in and still going at 2 am! I cant do daytime drinking.

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:03

SabrinaMulhollandJjones

What he said and what she HAS to do are two different things.

Do you do as you are told all the time?

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