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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 22:33

cjel, it's takes 2 to argue. I'm sure he played his part in the argument. And why shouldn't she say something? What was she supposed to do, just accept it? I haven't read anything to indicate she caused an argument beyond bringing the topic up. He reacted because he wants his way. She's tried to compromise - he won't go after the food and he won't go before lunch needs to be cooked. He wants to go when his wife and mother are in the kitchen doing the women's work!

cjel · 11/12/2013 22:34

He didn't dictate, he said what he'd like to do and she is now dictating that he can't knowing that it is a long standing part of his families christmas, when it is her family christmas I bet they may do things that he would rather not, Its called being in a relationship - have you heard of give and take? the way your H annoyed you and you spoke to him beccause of it show you don't like it much!

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 22:35

xpost with Clam - great minds think alike

OP you'll have this for the next 50 years if this year sets the precedent. If you go on to have kids with him don't be surprised if he pushes for his son to go to the pub with him in 20 years time while any daughter you have can stay at home to help you cook dinner.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 22:36

Sorry, but I just don't understand in whose book it's ok to leave op/MIL finishing the Christmas dinner while the rest go off to the pub? Unless it's with the blessing of the ones being 'left' - which it clearly isn't in the OP's case.

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2013 22:36

He did dictate. He told her to stay at home while he went to the pub.

Quoteunquote · 11/12/2013 22:37

Why don't you go to the pub about an hour before him (leave him cooking), with his mother, and whoever, and then when he turns up an hour later, have toast together, then you go back and take over cooking, or other way round.

That way on the odd Christmas when you are with his family, who clearly like and enjoy the pub bit of Christmas day, you all get to join in.

clam · 11/12/2013 22:37

Mind you, another solution is to push lunch back a few hours, if the pubs are only open until 2. We never eat until about 5, as I like to eat by candlelight, so that would enable people to go to the pub if they wanted to. But as I said earlier, I'm not even sure the OP wants to go - she just doesn't fancy being left (or rather told to stay) home alone.

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 22:37

but he wants to take something she doesn't want to give - and why should she, it's unreasonable in her view and in others on here. She has tried to compromise but he's decided to make her feel bad about it rather than admit he's being sexist, exclusionary (if there is such a word) and unfair.

cjel · 11/12/2013 22:38

OK so in whose book is it correct for OP to stop H from going?
What would you all being saying if she wanted to pop out christmas morning and her H was telling her she couldn't she had to stay and help him do dinner?

clam · 11/12/2013 22:39

cjel "Its called being in a relationship - have you heard of give and take? the way your H annoyed you and you spoke to him because of it show you don't like it much!"
Who are you talking to here?

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2013 22:40

OP - if you read the thread. Let him sulk. Stand your ground. We don't live in the 1950's, despite the fact that a few of your thread contributors seem to think we do. If you don't want to go then fine. But you would like to go, so it's absolutely not fine that he's ordering you to stay at home.

DowntonTrout · 11/12/2013 22:40

I can see that this was a tradition in his family. Fair enough. Now you are a couple, it's time to do things your way.

Why can't you all go to the pub? Has MIL never been included and would she feel wrong to be tagging along now if she is used to staying at home preparing dinner?

In our house we all go to the pub and leave the dinner cooking. Yes with the DCs in tow! ( well we did until the village pub closed down. ) or we pop up to friends for champagne. Dinner has often been later than planned but everyone in merry. Is there any reason why you can't suggest you all go?

ArtemisatBrauron · 11/12/2013 22:41

it is a long standing part of his families christmas,

Who cares?! If it were a long standing part of DH's family Christmas to make racist comments I wouldn't be having it - this is no different.

Why should the women have to stay at home and do the work while the men go out and have fun? Why is that acceptable because it is "tradition"? It used to be traditional for people to own slaves - is that ok too then?

ShriekingGnawer · 11/12/2013 22:41

We either all go or MIL and me stay back and get shitfaced on G&Ts.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 22:41

I'd actually say the same thing, cjel. To me, it's not the popping out - it's the telling the OP that she's to stay with his mother and cook the Christmas dinner. Because of this 'family tradition' - which, let's face it, is sexist at it's fundamental roots: men go pub/women cook dinner.

cjel · 11/12/2013 22:42

Who says pub is more fun than Home?

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 11/12/2013 22:42

Santa, you're contradicting yourself. YOU said, earlier, that in your house as a child, you'd always go to the pub with your dad leaving your mum to cook, because "someone had to do the dinner, after all?"
So where does all this "why should it be the woman" stuff come from?

Why am I contradicting myself?! Yes, someone has to do the dinner. Be that male or female. Who says it always has to be the woman? I certainly don't.
Growing up, in my household, it was always my mum who did the Christmas dinner. As she wanted to. Is the woman wanting to do it any less valid than the man wanting to do it?
Why do people look down on women wanting to do the cooking and snort? They are allowed to, you know.
Just like men are allowed to as well.
To put it in plainer terms, someone has to be doing the cooking. Whether that be man, woman or robot. Whoever wants to do the dinner.
Going to the pub for half an hour beforehand whichever sex you are and not cooking is no biggie.
Being in a household that says "you woman, you cook" is more of a biggie to me as you shouldn't be putting up with that.

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 22:42

Cjel, She's not stopped him. She's appealed to his reasonableness and come up with some compromises. He hasn't.

Yes, if it was the other way round and the woman wanted to disappear off WHEN THE HUSBAND WANTED HER TO STAY HOME CHRISTMAS DAY TO HELP WITH THE MEAL AND BE PART OF IT ALL then I'd say she was unreasonable. Unless she was going to see great aunt Aggie with a present who was bed ridden and they couldn't get to see her any other time and couldn't invite her as Aggie couldn't leave her home. Something like that she should rightly go, otherwise why cause an argument, your DH wants help with the family day of which the dinner is just part of it.

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2013 22:42

cjel -if it was the other way round I'd be saying exactly the same. Because ordering your other half to cook the dinner while you enjoy yourself at the pub is not on.

caruthers · 11/12/2013 22:44

Preparing Xmas dinner isn't difficult or hard work if you have a family that pulls together and makes it fun.

Let him go for his pint and you arrange to go out later on if you want to.

BlingBang · 11/12/2013 22:47

Used to be like this when I was growing up. Men off to pub for a pint, women at home with kids cooking dinner, always came back later than planned and a bit oiled up wanting the women to loosen up and not be so crabbit.

i'D be pissed off if husband expected this, so entitled and inconsiderate unless the person at home is happy about it.

OP - might be worth letting them go if they do ALL the clearing up and let you relax though. As long as there is give and take.

BranchingOut · 11/12/2013 22:48

If going to the pub is so great, why not go during the opening sequences of the big Xmas day film? Or when something else he loves to do is happening?

But strangely this seems to be a tradition for the particular half hour when the boiling/draining/roasting/basting/preparing is in full swing...

clam · 11/12/2013 22:48

I'll say this again (coz I think it was good ): this isn't about gender; it's about fairness, consideration and basic courtesy and, in this case, a little bit of sexism thrown in.

cjel · 11/12/2013 22:48

I'm not sure that he has ordered her to do anything or if she has said that she has to stay with lunch.
I also don't see anywhere that she has 'appealed to his reasonableness'

I read that she 'acted a bit put out' and then had a row about it!!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 22:48

Caruthers - I wouldn't call buggering off to the pub with the rest of the menfolk, whilst leaving wifey and mother to finish the cooking "pulling together and making it fun" ?

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