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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me Grin and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:
noseymcposey · 11/12/2013 23:04

I'm confused.. Would the sister be going to the pub too? OP says that any siblings that turn up would go. If that's the case it's not a girl/boy division.

It's just that OP's DH wants her and MIL to stay at home so they can cook the dinner. And if that's the situation, then surely just going to the pub while dinner is cooking is the best solution.

No need for a massive drama!

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:05

clam Wed 11-Dec-13 23:02:56

Caruthers Sounds as if you've already broken open the chateau-neuf!

Oh look...it's the poster must be drunk angle.

Intelligent ehh?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 23:05

Don't be ridiculous caruthers. Do you think it's fair? That's what OP is asking - because her dh has gone all sulky with her - and she's ended up "grovelling" to him now! Did you even read the the OP?

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 23:06

Um anyone else think it would be helpful if the OP stepped in at this point and offered some feedback??

I suspect that the OP was expecting a few YABU v a lot of YANBU and that would be that. I dont think she expected to instigate the 1950's V New Millenium FA Cup Final!

I rather think that she took one look at the thread, thought "Fuck that" and left us all to it :o

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:07

SabrinaMulhollandJjones

I'm not being ridiculous and I think the op is being over-dramatic.

She can't be FORCED to do anything.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 23:08

It's a timeslide back to the 50's, Bogeyface...

DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully · 11/12/2013 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Darkesteyes · 11/12/2013 23:09

But strangely this seems to be a tradition for the particular half hour when the boiling/draining/roasting/basting/preparing is in full swing

YEP THIS

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 23:09

Hang on.....

"It is a family tradition" then why isnt MIL going?

"The men always go to the pub" then why is SIL going?

Its bollocks. FIL, DH and SIL are used to skiving while MIL does the donkey work and now the OP has been put into the MIL pigeon hole.

Nice.

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:10

But strangely this seems to be a tradition for the particular half hour when the boiling/draining/roasting/basting/preparing is in full swing

Just do this when everyone is back.

Problem solved without the drama.

cjel · 11/12/2013 23:11

I still don't see that all that boiling/draining/roasting/basting/etc has to be done at that time. If they all go then who will do it?

perfectstorm · 11/12/2013 23:12

She's not being dramatic, Caruthers. She's voicing an opinion different to your own. There's a difference, you see.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 23:13

Caruthers. The OP's husband has told her that she and his mother "have to stay behind with the dinner." Because of his family tradition - it's pretty silly to start going on about being 'forced' - BUT - the husband has now gone off in a sulk because she won't adhere to his sexist family tradition of leaving her behind to cook while he goes off to the pub. He's being totally unreasonable here.

clam · 11/12/2013 23:13

Just do this when everyone is back.

Problem solved without the drama.

Except that the OP's dh isn't suggesting this. He thinks the OP should stay at home with his mum. You know, as she stated in her first post for those who didn't read it.

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 23:13

cjel, your argument doesn't make sense. I brought up a possible scenario of how the row went as you're so insistent that she did the rowing whereas I, and others, have said it take two to have a row.

In your scenario you do not mention that the OP tried to suggest a compromise -either that he goes after the dinner or earlier before the cooking starts. That way everyone could go. But no the DH wants it his way - he wants to go before the dinner and after the dinner has started to be cooked. So you've missed the point. The OP tried to compromise and he was having none of it.

Something else you've got wrong. SHE DOES STILL MIND! Where have you got it from that she doesn't? Confused She feels it's sexist so no she doesn't want half the guests out so she can have a break. She simply wants to spend Xmas with all of them together, doing the meal together. Personally if inlaws were invited to mine it wouldn't be me and MIL doing the cooking it would be me and DH as MIL and FIL would be our guests.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 23:14

But strangely this seems to be a tradition for the particular half hour when the boiling/draining/roasting/basting/preparing is in full swing
Just do this when everyone is back.
Problem solved without the drama.

Or dont let your husband, FIL and SIL treat you and your MIL as unpaid kitchen staff.

Problem solved without the selfish, lazy entitledness.

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 11/12/2013 23:14

All those saying "but it's so sexist if the mum has to stay behind and do the Christmas dinner, , wah, whah!"
Who SAYS the mum has to stay behind and do the dinner?! Confused
Get your husband to do the Christmas dinner next year and bog off to the pub yourself.

MistressDeeCee · 11/12/2013 23:14

Agree with Cjel. Talk about using a hammer to crack a nut - the man's just going for a couple of drinks with his dad. OP is NOT being left ALL DAY to slave over dinner. Pubs open short hours on xmas day. He will be away for a short time. He didn't say he'd be out all day so I don't see why some posters are intimating that he will be. From what OP says, I can't see that he'd be so horrible as to do this. What's wrong with him helping with preperation, and with washing up after dinner? Does he have to help with every aspect just to prove the Im not doing it just because I'm a woman point? Its cooking xmas dinner not saving the world, so whilst its a big task its not unachievable and again, its not as if OP has to go it all alone. Is this really and truly worth a gender war argument? Of course OP doesn't have to like it. But when you go along the road of 'you can't do this or that' it can easily lead to ill feeling in a relationship. This is surely something they can try to reach a compromise on. Some women sound like they'd go straight into (gender)war all guns blazing, and also talk to their H exactly as they please Shock. OPs DH hasn't said "its all women's work" so he may not generally be sexist, maybe he genuinely wants to keep up a family tradition. Hardly a heinous crime. It doesn't rule him out of xmas dinner preperations either.

OP why not let him help with all the prep before he goes, put your feet up with MIL once all is in oven, dish out on their return then stretch out on sofa in front of crap tv, drink in hand, whilst he and dad do the washing up? Or suggest you all go to the pub for a short while? Only you know whether all this is truly an argument worth having tho. Unless he's generally horrible to you, try compromise. Most important thing is you have a lovely christmas together, some give and take (on BOTH sides tho, not suggesting just you) could make that happen.

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:15

perfectstorm

This is AIBU and she's being dramatic.

As are numerous posters with their "Who's going to boil and drain everything" diatribes.

It's meat and two veg but with a different name and the OP can just down tools and go to the pub...she even offers the clue that he's a nice man who doesn't even go out that much which should explain he isn't TELLING her she can't go out.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 23:16

Who SAYS the mum has to stay behind and do the dinner?!

Well, the OP's DH is saying that...to the OP.

DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully · 11/12/2013 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm · 11/12/2013 23:17

Sorry Caruthers, but when people are asking if you've had a drink because your posting style is so very, um, vehement, there's a certain comedy value in accusing other posters, plural, of being dramatic in their posts. Just an observation - I'm fully aware, being able to read, that you'll refuse to accept any possible validity in any posts that don't precisely accord with your own. Wink

MsVestibule · 11/12/2013 23:17

Oh God, now I'M worried about my Christmas Day. It's a tradition in the area I live that the men go for a quick drink before dinner, but fortunately not one that DH has gone for.

However, this year, my BIL (sister's DH) and his dad will also be with us. I can just picture one of them saying "How about a swift half before dinner?" and me going into full feminist mode Grin.

OP, YANBU. Awful tradition. It may have had some valid reason when the men did 12 hour shifts down the pits (as they used to around here) but not now.

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:17

Except that the OP's dh isn't suggesting this. He thinks the OP should stay at home with his mum. You know, as she stated in her first post for those who didn't read it

If she wants to play the martyr then more fool her...she should exersise other options if she's that miffed.

My Wife told me to take my shoes off at the back door today but I didn't because I didn't want to...on the same note she doesn't jump when I ask her to do things, we have freedom.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 23:18

It's meat and two veg but with a different name

Really? Glad I am not having Xmas lunch at your house!