Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

[lettucelamp]

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

Like Clam I don't particularly call myself a feminist (same generation) but I know what I won't put up with and it's behaviour like that.

Havent read all posts.
IMO you are no BU.

I would feel shit about this too - they get to have all the fun why you slave away? I dont think so! I would say "what do you mean you're going to the pub? You'll be busy cooking dinner for YOUR family" :)

Plus, will it really be half an hour or will they just be having too much fun with no thought for you at home trying to get all the timings right and wondering when they'll be back. Pfff sack that!

Why is it always left to you and your mother to "slave over a hot stove" though?!

It's not. I said it would never happen in our house - it seems to be happening to the OP this Christmas.

Thing is the men would say you can come, the older woman of the house says no and she gets left with everything which doesn't strike me as fair either. Pub is for any day...especially Boxing Day...no need to go just before dinner.

Yes i think its sexist and horrid, my poor mum had this too, left behind whilst everyone else went out and got merrry,

just go with, why do you have to stay behind?

Deckthehalls "i would murder my DH if he tried to stop me, and he knows it.. he's grumped about it before but i point blank told him he could either come with or sit at home alone and be a miserable cuss because i was going whether he liked it or not."

Charming. Just turn that around and post it as if your dh said that and you'd be inundated with LTB posts.

DeckTheHalls your situation is entirely different. You've invited your DH. The OP has been told to stay at home. It's a different scenario.

Let them have their pint.... then hand them the fairy liquid after the meal, while you put your feet up and eat celebrations.....

Bowlers - I think that's the problem - the OP is being excluded. I would have no problem with a trip to the pub, but everyone should be invited. NOT just the men.

Oh and here we go with "You should accept being treated like crap because one day they will be dead" I have lost people that I mourn every day, but that doesnt mean I agree with their prejudices. My grandfather was the most amazing man, I think of him all the time, we were devoted to each other. But he was racist. Should I continue with some of the things he did on the basis that it is in his memory? No, because it would be wrong. FFS, I wouldnt have married my black husband if I was going to continue his "tradition"!

One day I will be dead. Does that mean that my children should do things to the detriment of their marriages and families just because I did them? No. They should make their own traditions, I want to be a memory and I hope I will be a fond one, but I never want to be the cause of strife after I am gone.

Decktheahalls - that's still 2 hours you've mentioned plus walking time there and back - 2.5 hours potentially then, or in other words the best part of 3 hours. No way will it be half an hour. They'll have 2 drinks each minimum, after all what's the rush to get back? The women have it in hand at home.

We have a family tradition. Everybody helps with cooking, setting and clearing the table, tidying kitchen, washing up and drying.
Wouldn't dream of going to a pub, far better all being together.

What a load of tosh. He isn't being sexist, he just wants to spend time with his dad at christmas. whether they were in the kitchen and OP was in the lounge didn't occur to him, It won't be for long as the pubs don't open long. Do they do everything together? also dinner can be already prepared by H before he goes and then finished off when he gets back so he isn't even saying she has to do it all.
If OP and her mum wanted time together would that be counted as sexist as well.
Let him go and enjoy his time with his dad. Just make sure you aren't stuck to the kitchen when they are gone.

I'm not disputing how many years you've gone to the pub on Christmas Day. I'm just slightly at the aggressive way in which you report that you speak to your dh.

My gripe about this is nothing to do with gender or sexism. It's about the basic lack of consideration, courtesy or fairness towards the 'person' left at home. Not to mention manipulation of the OP, with the martyr-like sulking now.

Well, if my dh spoke to me like that, then yes, I'd have a big problem with it. But it's your dh and your marriage. Up to you how you run it.

[SHOCK] at alll those saying YABU.

It is sexist and would infuriate me - sexism does not suddenly become ok because it is someone's crap family "tradition"!

Clam - his sulk as oppose to her very grown up row and dictating what he could and couldn't do!!

Make them a deal.

You cook.

They completely clear up and lay the table for Xmas tea.

Sorted.

Her row? You can't have a row on your own. And surely he was the one dictating what was going to happen? Him off to the pub, and her staying at home to cook his lunch.