Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

[lettucelamp]

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

I also don't get why half of MN have their MIL to Christmas lunch, when they genuinely don't like her. WHY? Just say NO!
My MIL is lovely. ( But we see her one other day than Christmas, we have Christmas here at home, just the four of us).

And dh and I do all the lunch together. He does this, I do that. Ds's do the other.
I don't get this woman slaving in the kitchen bit.

Mistermaker, unless you ARE the DH in question, you can't know that he treats the OP well on the other 364 days a year.
I can't know that he doesn't either - but you're making the assumption, not me.

What compromise is the DH making then, Mistermaker?

And why shouldn't he compromise by not going to the pub?

Different women will accept different things. Personally, if someone treated me like this, Id walk. Which is probably why DH wouldn't dream of it.

I think I am probably coming at this from a slightly different angle as my dad and brother have always gone to the pub for an hour or so on Xmas day and now I am married my DH goes with them as well.

Believe me, I am far from the 'oppressed little woman stuck at home doing all the wifework while DH sits on his arse all the time'. My DH is an excellent husband.

But I figure it's a nice thing for them to do and I just don't really mind. The op obviously does though. but therefore i can't really see any point in her posting on AIBU apart from the have her opinion that her husband must be a selfish arse validated.

Bowing out of the thread now as its obviously a very contentious issue!

I also think it's more than a bit off to see your wife as an outsider and not part of the crowd. Know your place wifey!

I am only going by what the op said about her husband's typical behaviour.

Why does the compromise have to be on the op's side on this occasion?

I think it's pretty hard for most posters to imagine this kind of scenario tbh. If it were me and DP hosting our first Christmas dinner together, I'd imagine that we'd do it together, as a unit. That's how we do most things, and from what I've read most posters seem to come from the same place.

Calling women nags and drama queens because they don't want their DP swanning off leaving them to do all the work when it should be a joint effort just shows what a sexist place those people come from.

Yanbu. My dad does this and I think it's dreadful. It's sexist and exclusionary as you say. May be better if no one has kids and cam therefore all go. This year have managed to persuade him not to - and more importantly not persuade dh to go with him. Dh has been a bit spineless to go along with it once or twice but he takes lone of least resistance - Dad moans if he doesn't! Is only cos my brothers not going this year that he won't go so not real victory but I find it so insulting. So did my grandmother when her Dh was persuaded to go along - am convinced we saw them less as kids as a result.

And I think it's terrible not to invite the wife when she's probably feeling a bit excluded already, not having any of her family. I'm just imagining telling DP to cook for me and my family while we go off to the pub, saying that he's not invited! Gawd. How rude.

She was told by the MIL to go of she wants.

I don't see the issue at all tbh. Its half an hour in the pub. If she is so bothered then go with them.

Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much

So leave to enjoy his half hour down the pub. Or even, go with him!

What will you be doing that needs everyone in the house for that half hour?!

Many of you are totally missing the point.

This has nothing to do with going to the pub.

It is about the fact that he TOLD the OP that he was going to the pub, TOLD her that she would be staying at home with the dinner and when she pointed out a way that she could go too he sulked and said she had ruined Xmas (over reaction much?). And thats leaving aside how the OP would feel when he said "No, I dont want you there" on a day that is supposed to be about families.

He does not get to decide! He gets to ask if the OP would mind staying behind with the dinner while he takes his dad for a drink, but he doesnt get to issue orders like some Lord of the Manor to his domestic staff and then throw a tantrum when they dont fall into line. Saying "Fine, I wont do ANYTHING and you have ruined EVERYTHING" is the sort of thing my 16 year old would say if I tried to compromise with her on a curfew! Its childish and ridiculous.

That is what is pissing the OP off, and that is what has pissed off every poster on here who posted that SINBU.

SP

HE. DOESNT. WANT. HER. THERE!!

Because not everyone responds to being treated like a doormat Mister. Ut builds up resentment. What sort of women do you know? You sound as though its a very limited demographic of very cowed, timid women who are scared to upset the great man in their lives by explaining that being abandoned to go to the pub on Christmas Day!

Unless you've been brought up in that very specific pub going culture, this sort of behaviour does cone across as particularly crass.

Its a very limited demographic that would accept it.

Your man going to a pub for a short while does not amount to you 'slaving in the kitchen'. You're not going to be cooking a full dinner in an hour. Unless he's going at the crack of dawn dinner will be well on the way by the time he hits the road. & much of the preprration is done the night before. Not on the day.

There's absolutely no point in being a martyr about cooking christmas dinner once a year as if its the most terrible task. You have to choose your battles in a relationship,know which ones are worth having, know the meaning of compromise. If H helps out before & after then 'you're not going to the pub' won't go down well. & really, is it worth the possibility of tension on xmas day? Over a short pub visit? He's not missing dinner. & in that hour when he's gone what's the major thing that'll be happening, exactly?

Its perfectly possible for your man to be away from your side for just an hour, without dinner descending into chaos. Anyway OP you know best but somehow I don't think winning the battle would be worth the prize.

...for all the 'hardline posters' who, come that glorious day, will still be in the kitchen without DH by their side throughout all

Because not everyone responds to being treated like a doormat Mister. Ut builds up resentment. What sort of women do you know? You sound as though its a very limited demographic of very cowed, timid women who are scared to upset the great man in their lives by explaining that being abandoned to go to the pub on Christmas Day!

Hahahahahahahahahabahahahahahahahahahaha.
Er, no.......!

I'm going to throw a pencil at the next person who says the OP is making a fuss and should just join them at the pub. This thread is SO INFURIATING.

You're both being a bit over dramatic by the sounds of it.

I have a question who will feel most hard done by if they don't get their own way? You for having to spend half an hour with your MIL (assuming you can work it so that you don't have to or your DH for not getting to indulge in an old family tradition of going to the pub with his Dad for half an hour?

Woops posted to soon that should read in the middle

(assuming you can work it so that you don't have to cook an entire christmas dinner in his absence)

I personally wouldn't have a problem with my husband going out for a drink on Christmas day but then we share chores and he would take over the evening tea or something else so I could go out if I wanted.

Going along too seems a bit excessive and possessive. It really isn't so difficult making a Christmas dinner - it's just a roast with added extras. If your husband helps with all the prep it's just not a big deal to pop out with his dad. If he was taking the dog for a walk around that time would you feel the same?

If I wanted to pop out with my Mum while my husband finished the dinner he wouldn't bat an eyelid. I think I would find it a bit controlling if he did frankly.

I'm so glad to hear some voices of reason amongst the posters who seem to be stuck in a 1950's timewarp.

YANBU OP - when you are (jointly) hosting Christmas day, you don't decide to opt out of the last half hour of work and come back to a finished product, it's just not on.

Don't be at home when they all get back. Go to another pub, preferably one that offers a Christmas lunch at a reasonable price. He is being very selfish and manipulative. I was married to an arse like that once except his choice of venue was the snooker hall where he merrily gambled our joint account away.

my response to hubby would have been - oh, that's lovely, will give me time to get sorted,

and whilst you are all sorting out the dishes afterwards I'll take a nice slow soak in the bath ... thanks darling....

We're hosting for the first time this year. My parents, brother and SIL.

My family traditionally spent time just the 4 of us on Xmas day. So can I go off with them and leave dh and SIL to make the lunch? Oh - and look after the kids.

That's our tradition!

Excellent!

I'm particularly keen to miss the horrid stressful "just serving up" bit that you always get while making a roast!

I feel very sorry for your spouse Mister.

Msmoss what about the OP's family traditions?

I just dont do 'men down the pub while the womenfolk cook' culture.

Mind you, I can't cook anyway.

I have a question who will feel most hard done by if they don't get their own way?

I don't think that's a good way to resolve something as a couple. That just leaves it open for whoever sulks the longest or throws the biggest paddy to consistently get whatever they want.