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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me Grin and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 12/12/2013 08:07

Maybe they just want to chill together for a short while if they haven't caught up in ages. Or have family business to discuss.

Oh dear sounds a bit Godfather Grin

There weren't a queue of people waiting to see your FIL on your wedding day were there OP?

Really I do think it's childish of him he just wants it to be all about his family Christmas despite the fact that he's now married and his family are guests.

It's rude at best.

diddl · 12/12/2013 08:22

Well if it's "just before lunch"-why can't he prepare everything before he goes & then put veg on on return?

Personally I think he's rude to want to go-especially as it's his first Christmas hosting with OP.

Seems odd to me to have people visit & then some piss off to the pub & some don't-unless it's OK with everyone.

But then pub on CD is a really odd to me.

Never done it nor known anyone that has.

DontmindifIdo · 12/12/2013 08:31

Having read your update OP, I think you are completley reasonable, you have offered the "everyone goes" solution, but that also means that your DH has to join in with the cooking and hosting at home side, which it seems is the bit he doesnt want to do!

I think now you are going to have to have another argument or have a crap Christmas and argue then, so best you have the argument now rather than delay it and ruin the actual day.

Sit him down tonight and say that you are still really upset that he seems to think you and his mum's jobs are to cook and prepare the food and even though it's his family coming, he won't put any effort into doing hte work on the day. Assuming the pub isn't literally next door, it won't be 30 minutes they are out of the house, they might only be in the pub and drinking for 30 minutes, but they have to get there, back, faff getting drinks, seats, nipping to the loo before leaving etc. It's going to be an hour at least, and an hour when you might want help. And if you need help, rather than being a guest, your MIL is going to have to do the work (because few woman will just sit back and watch their host struggle without offering help, and she will be watching you because if she's not in the kitchen with you, she's going to be in the front room on her own, because she's not invited either, or do you have DCs? Will you be expected to cook and look after them?).

Ask him what he's going to do to make Christmas pleasant for you because right now from your point of view, it looks like he expects you to do all the actual work of the day and entertain his mother at the same time. It does look like he thinks you and his mum are the 'help' and it's your job and you think this is more than just about going to the pub, it's about how he sees you.

Then if he still won't fit his family tradition to fit round you having any fun on the day (rather than juts being the person who's job it is to make the day nice for everyone else, except his Mum who as a Mother is also not invited to join in the fun bit and is expected to do the work bit of the day) I'd completely throw you toys out, and refuse to cook at all. His family are his guests. He can do all the work hosting them. And mean it. Ask him if he's sorted out his menu, what cooking he's going to do. (I would call your MIL and brief her that she's not to step in and do it for him, if he wants help from you, he has to back down, ask for it and accept it's actually work he's leaving you to do on your own.)

glasgowsteven · 12/12/2013 08:37

YANBU

Unless his family live hundreds of miles away he can see his dad anytime and why does it have to be a pub, for a drink......

samandi · 12/12/2013 08:43

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

Erm, no. If you are joint hosting a Christmas dinner you don't turn round to your co-host and "inform" them you will be unavailable just beforehand. And you certainly don't leave one of your guests (your mum) behind to help out! You might ask your co-host, very nicely, if it is ok, and whether it is depends on whether s/he thinks they can handle things themselves.

Personally I find the "tradition" of going to the pub before Christmas dinner that some men have to be a reminder of the sexist, misogynist, take for granted that women belong in the kitchen kind of society that we really should be leaving behind.

If DP tried to pull such a stunt he would be told that I wouldn't be hosting dinner for his family then, and he and his male family members could have it at the pub. But then he never would Confused I doubt it would even enter his head.

caramelwaffle · 12/12/2013 08:44

Yanbu.

I couldn't agree more with Dontmindifido

And glasgow makes a good point: supermarket/Majestic etc for the drinks - all drink at home together.

fluffyraggies · 12/12/2013 08:44

Pleeeeeeease - to everyone saying ''do this and do that and then you can all go'' ....

Op has suggested this. but:

THE DH DOESN'T WANT HER TO GO.

At all. Before dinner, after dinner, before veg. prep, after veg. prep .... NOT.AT.ALL

He wants to go out with his father and his brothers and his sisters while his wife and mother cooks his dinner

He has been very clear and specific. It's not a mix up. Or a misunderstanding.

He.wants.his.wife.to.stay.at.home.with.MIL.and.cook.the.dinner.

OP has been given the choice of accepting this and only this, or ''ruining xmas''. How lovely.

doodahwhatsit · 12/12/2013 08:45

YANBU

in this scenario you don´t even get any `me´ time to unwind as MIL will be there

I think it is fair enough that the non family member in family occasions gets the cushier time (you in this case) as it is often not very relaxing fitting into other peoples family dynamics!

oh yes and it´s not the ´50s

clam · 12/12/2013 08:47

How many more people are going to come on here and suggest she goes to the pub too? RTFT - she has suggested this and been told no. Or rather, he's flounced off and accused her of "spoiling it all."

fluffyraggies · 12/12/2013 08:49

I've been reading this whole thread from last night thinking - where was i?? Why didn't i see this thread?? However - i think i would have burst a blood vessel over some of the stuff being said by some posters - so it's just as well i missed it Grin

i think i love you Bogey!

samandi · 12/12/2013 08:54

LMAO at the OP "ruining Christmas" - I missed that bit. OP, seriously, do you want to indulge and accept this kind of behaviour? Your husband is your partner, not your child. It is completely the husband that is ruining things here, plain as day to any non-sexist outsider.

mistermakersgloopyglue · 12/12/2013 08:55

Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much

Meh, if all of the above really is the case then I just don't see the point of making a huge fuss about the whole thing tbh. I think it would be a bit mean to put your foot down about it. It would be different if he was typically really sexist and you were always the little woman left at home and he was planning on being out for hours, but from why you have said this isn't the case?

Just let him have this little tradition with his dad, in the big picture it doesn't matter does it?

caramelwaffle · 12/12/2013 09:00

It does matter - to lettuce That's the thing.

Three Christmas's in a row being told what has to happen. So not a half hour one off.

BlingBang · 12/12/2013 09:01

I'M really struggling to see how anyone can think the husband is being reasonable here.

fluffyraggies · 12/12/2013 09:01

mistermaker i am ''this'' close to being right there with you on that. It would be my gut reaction at first too. A big part of me wants to agree with you - but it seems the DHs 'siblings' and partners are invited to this quiet drink with his dad ... but not his wife or mother. That can't be right, can it?

LessMissAbs · 12/12/2013 09:03

YANBU OP. I just wouldn't put up with it. But then I haven't been brought up in a men toddling down to the pub kind of culture. Not my scene at all.

I mean, I'd let him go, but then tell him his sexist outdated attitude towards me meant I didn't fancy him any more, and it was being used as a ground for unreasonable behaviour in our divorce!

Personally, I think its pretty awful behaviour in his part.

mistermakersgloopyglue · 12/12/2013 09:03

Yes so 3 days out of 3 whole years of 'being a good husband/not asking for much' etc. and only half an hour/an hour or so on those days.

LessMissAbs · 12/12/2013 09:06

I dont really get how you're supposed to show gratitude for him being a 'good husband' by letting him behave attrociously on Christmas Day.

He should be a good husband, without expecting to get to behave badly and treat you like shit as some kind of reward.

mistermakersgloopyglue · 12/12/2013 09:08

I mean, I'd let him go, but then tell him his sexist outdated attitude towards me meant I didn't fancy him any more, and it was being used as a ground for unreasonable behaviour in our divorce!

Riiiiiiight......

caramelwaffle · 12/12/2013 09:12

Well that's the thing.

It's not just an hour.

lettuces husband is expecting her to do all the actual work of hosting whilst he plays the magnaminous host. Much more time needed to do all that work. No relaxing during the day if she is also expected to also do all the cleaning and serve people.
Being excluded from a relaxing drink outside the home with family. Not nice. Not nice at all.

cjel · 12/12/2013 09:13

PERFECT - apologies to Exclamation marksXmas Grin.
MISTER couldn't agree more.

whatever5 · 12/12/2013 09:14

I can't believe that anyone thinks the OP's DH is being reasonable!!! What century are we in?

Why should the woman cook Christmas dinner while the men go down the pub? So what if it is Christmas tradition in his family? It's an outdated sexist tradition.

BlingBang · 12/12/2013 09:14

If anything it's his family he should be staying at home preparing their dinner.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 12/12/2013 09:15

Massive assumption there, mistermaker - the OP hasn't said it's such a small percentage.

Now I'm going to make a massive over-arching generalisation too - very often, threads in Relationships have posters describing their appalling DHs as "good dads" - until it's pointed out that actually, no they're not. We don't know if the OP is in fact right about her husband being a good one - he might just not be a terrible one, and she might be conditioned to accept his autocratic ways without question - except that this time she's rebelling and look what happened, he went off in a sulk!

"Just let him have this little tradition with his dad, in the big picture it doesn't matter does it?"

Well, yes it might. Because as I said before, what about when they have children? Is the DH still going to consider that this is appropriate, leaving wifey at home to do the dinner AND the childcare?

mistermakersgloopyglue · 12/12/2013 09:16

Oh FFS some of the drama llamas on here are just unbelievable! It's a little bit of time with his dad and siblings in the Shock pub on Xmas day for half an hour - hardly behaving atrociously. Can't he help with dinner before he goes and be made to do this dishes as 'punishment' when he gets back?

Sometimes marriage is about compromise and having to agree to things that you don't really want to do. As I said if he was an arsehole all the time and treated the op like shit for the other 364 days of the year then I would think differently. But in this case seeing as it is really a very short period of time on one day of the year then I think the 'compromise' factor comes into play here.