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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me Grin and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:
caruthers · 12/12/2013 01:44

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Christmas dinner at my house isn't 'just a roast'. It is three courses plus canapes and options for all comers. Fuck your meat and two veg.

Goody for you dear.

Some people would rather have a few pints in the pub than watch some amateur prepare food poisoning for them.

You're the prime example of competitiveness gone mad...and i'd wager you are a nag too.

Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 01:51

A nag is an old horse that isnt worth anything. Funny how that word is used to describe a capable woman who expects a man to pull his weight. Just sayin'

caruthers · 12/12/2013 01:56

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SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 02:02

OOOH these poor men wanting to go down the pub on Christmas Day. These damn women! Wanting to... oh, I don't know, be equals or something? The bloody nerve of it! They should just cook the bloody dinner (it's no hassle after all) and clean the floors. Harumpph.

Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 02:04

Well be fair Sabrina its very easy to present meat and 2 veg. Shame that no one would want it, but I suppose its the effort that counts!

caruthers · 12/12/2013 02:04

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SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 02:09

I'm choosing to poison everyone this year, bogey.

Just for the kicks. Turkey, arsenic and sprouts. It's so easy to!

Of course, Lister would say it was the sprouts that were the poison...

Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 02:10

I hope you are offering lager milkshakes as starters!

Night night Wink x

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 02:15

I'm not having any fancy-pants meal for Christmas - meat and 2 veg will suit me - and I'm getting my wife to cook it while I'm down the pub.

She can clean up my muddy bootprints inbetween basting and draining. And be fucking grateful for it too. Humph.

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2013 02:39

But OP - you're saying what YOU wouldn't do - can't you see that its not honour bound that your DH will, or HAS to think like you? I really hope as a couple you can reach a compromise.

This thread is bewildering with some seeming to be frothing at the mouth just because the man wants to go to the pub. Well, my OH does that too with his brother & cousin. The pub's down the road, I don't go into complete meltdown just because he's away from my side for a couple of hours fgs! Not suggesting you OP, but some are acting as if they have a monopoly on martyrdom just because they cook a christmas meal. So bloody what? I wouldn't be able to bear someone yammering on about how oh so very difficult it is, it just sounds like 1st world poor me syndrome.

& why has Caruthers been banned? Is it because he disagreed and..god forbid..he is a MAN? His talk and language he used was no worse than some others in here hurling insults left, right and centre. Hellbent on painting the OPs DH as some kind of monster wanting OP as a domestic drudge tied to the kitchen, determined to crank up the gender sexist war to a level it hadn't even reached. & just because a man didn't agree, he's been reported. Well, he could very well report some posters on here.

OP..all I can say is, good luck to you if you take the advice of some of the hardline posters here who are acting as if your DH has committed the most punishable offence ever. I'm hard pushed to believe even half of them are as bolshy about these things with their own DHs. They'll encourage you to be so with yours tho, whilst being very derogatory about your DH too. Although perhaps you don't so much mind that..but your DH is being absolutely flamed here and I think its unseemly, to say the least. Thoughtless he may be, but unless you're not giving the full story here he doesn't seem to be anywhere as horribly sexist as some posters are making out. I'm not saying he is right and you are wrong, but perspective has to come into it somewhere.

Why not just go to the pub? MIL too. Leave the turkey in the oven. Or you may find yoyrself winning a point you wish you'd never won. Relationships aren't always pretty. Yes, many of us have DHs who aren't perfect angels and can get on our last nerve at times. But when all said and done its not every battle you must fight until it spirals out of proportion. Just go to the pub. Or if not, see if compromise can somehow be reached.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 12/12/2013 02:48

Has he been banned? Where does it say that? Calling people idiot and cunt should result in it though.

BTW if you read the Ops second post she asks if she can go to the pub too. She isn't invited.

themaltesefalcon · 12/12/2013 03:11

I don't see why merely having a penis should equip you for a nice drink down at the pub on Christmas Day. How stupid.

Go, and please ask MIL to come with you. Has anyone ever done so?

perfectstorm · 12/12/2013 04:53

Perfect - PUB WON'T BE OPEN BEFORE AND AFTER LUNCH!!!!! Sounds like she is not listening to what hes saying and is stamping her feet to get her own way. It was just a half hour drink and she probably has ruined his excitement of having his dad and siblings at his for christmas for the first time

cjel there's really NO NEED TO SHOUT. Or abuse poor, innocent exclamation marks in such a cruel manner, either. Sad Pubs around you may not open that time - around us, they do. Thankfully, as my DH is taking his parents and his stepmother to one with DS, at my request, so my mother and I can cook in peace without his DM and DSM making digs at one another while I'm trying to crack on. So maybe you could stop assuming the whole world lives as you do, and inventing additions to an OP to give your own position ballast, rather than relying on what's actually, you know - there?

And if he doesn't want things "ruined" perhaps he should desist with ordering the little wify to stay at home diligently cooking with his mum, while he slopes off to the pub.

WithRedWine · 12/12/2013 05:10

Y
anbu. Christmas shouldnt be abiut dividing people into groups based on their genitalia.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 12/12/2013 05:31

YANBU because he has told you what he's going to be doing, what he expects you to do and has sulked because you objected to being told. He has also refused to countenance any compromise, which would still allow him to have his pub drink, therefore he's being a birrova wanker.

I'm also shocked at all the responses suggesting that this is somehow ok - to tell you that he and the menfolk are pissing off an leaving the little women behind.

Just one question though - what's his sister supposed to be doing? Is she not invited to the pub either, or is she allowed to go?

And another point - I assume you don't have children yet (you've not mentioned them) - is this the sort of "tradition" you want to continue once you do have children? Does your DH expect that it will continue once you do have children? Might be an idea to find that one out as well.

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2013 05:36

So - its nothing to do with a family tradition re. H, his DB, & (deceased) Grandad. He wants to go for purely sexist reasons/because he has a penis..& she doesn't. It can't possibly be that H perhaps would like to keep up a tradition. OK.

You couldn't make it up, honestly..

I concede. All this fuss is about a sexist man wanting to go to the pub for an hour with his brother. Truly, truly terrible. OP just tell him you are not allowed to go to the pub..and... have a happy christmas.

Oh and poster who talked about c* & idiot words being used...those words are par for the course around here, aren't they? So seems to me, its nothing new really

MummyPig24 · 12/12/2013 06:06

Every single Sunday my grandad goes to the pub before his dinner.

Every Christmas he does too. My dad will take him for an hour and then return for dinner. No way would he consider cleaning up! He does cook once a week now though. That's just the way it is and no one seems to care much.

Dh won't be going to the pub, he's not a pub kind of person. Thanks fuck.

merrymouse · 12/12/2013 06:23

lettuce, yes he is being unreasonable not to make a compromise so that you can go too. It sounds as though for Christmas he is planning to be 18 again.

Anyway, I think you have 2 options:

a) Ignore his 'Kevin' act and go to the pub (either letting his mum finish cooking or as you suggested - prepare everything together and leave last minute prep until after you come back)
b) let him do what he wants, and come up with your own Christmas tradition e.g. doing whatever you want while he clears up.

(Also, re: comments about pub opening hours, these may be set, but Christmas lunch can be moved)

Re: how to handle the subject, is there a chance that he is just sulking because he feels wrong footed and will happily go along with whatever you suggest on Christmas day itself?

hoboken · 12/12/2013 06:35

I haven't read the whole thread but I would negotiate communal food preparation, laying the table etc (no, the men are not incapable of peeling vegetables or making stuffing whatever they tell you). Then, all of you go to the pub together.

After lunch everyone helps to clear up. If the men refuse to help then down tools. No Christmas lunch until they help prepare it and no more meals if they don't help clear up.

SatinSandals · 12/12/2013 06:46

Seems sensible hoboken. I can't see why you all can't go,but I wouldn't want to and so would agree to sort out the meal but make it clear that those who didn't go are putting their feet up afterwards and leaving anyone who went to the pub to clear up.

merrymouse · 12/12/2013 06:59

In the OP's second post she said she suggested they organise the meal so they can all go to the pub together and this was rejected. (Although perhaps at that stage in the argument her DH was not in a receptive mood - maybe he would come round to the idea now?)

Snowbility · 12/12/2013 07:29

Agree Perfectstorm where my parents live, a few pubs will stay open all day. I think it's odd how the Dh's tradition seem to be taking priority over the op's, how can that happen and be reasonable and equal. He's excited about having his family there, great but it doesn't mean he gets to pretend he's back in his parents nest being 18 once again.

Feels to me like he's having a tantrum because he thought the op would fall into line like his dear old mother, it never occurred to him that she'd object to his little fantasy. I expect he will see reason soon OP but I'd not agree to stay home....that could too easily turn into your new family tradition too.

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2013 07:52

OP what about his sister? You've said she'll be there too, and that he'll be going to pub with siblings. That being the case isn't it a 'siblings having a quick drink together' thing rather than as I saw said on here earlier 'you're not invited as you don't have a penis' Hmm. Maybe they just want to chill together for a short while if they haven't caught up in ages. Or have family business to discuss. You never know. I popped across road last year with my brother as we did have a family matter to discuss and I wanted that to be private, actually. So, you never know. Either way after all this, hope it gets sorted.

Hoboken's suggestion is good.

merrymouse · 12/12/2013 08:01

I think that if I wanted to have a quick get together with my siblings and I was co-hosting lunch I would try not to do it just before lunch was about to go on the table...

I don't think this is particularly about siblings or chauvinism. I think it is about the OP's DH thinking he will get to relive 'his' traditional family Christmas because he is spending it with his side of family forgetting that he is supposed to be hosting the thing with his wife, not just wondering what he will get in his stocking.

MimiSunshine · 12/12/2013 08:06

Woah you turn your back go to sleep for five minutes and all hell breaks loose. Why can't people PM each other if they want to fight?

OP just sit down with him one evening and say "I'm sorry we ended up arguing the other night, I don't think I put my feelings across very well (lesson for the future - don't 'hint' or 'joke' about something that's important to you) but I'd like is to make a plan got Christmas Day as at the minute I feel like I'm going to be left to do all the cooking and won't enjoy spending time with you.
Then sit and wait for him to suggest some things, work out what is important to you re:the pub and if he gets into a strop just stay calm tell him it needs to be discussed otherwise Christmas won't be happening at all.

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