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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me Grin and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:
PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 12/12/2013 00:57

Or an individual, not joined at the hip person, , an adult that is capable of sticking a joint in the oven and being sociable?

Or an adult who wants to spend time with her family (husband) and not her MIL because her husband decided he doesn't?

Your idea of Christmas dinner sounds rubbish fwiw.

Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 00:57

Santa

I agree that there would be the MN double standard of Woman=Right Man=Wrong. But for me if the woman said "I will be prepping the veg, putting the turkey in and be back for the roasties, and putting a DVD on for the kids, AIBU to nip out for an hour with my mum?" I would say "YANBU"

If she had said "I have told DH that I am going out with mum for an hour at 12 and when he moaned I pointed out that he had to be here for the dinner. But then he said that it wasnt fair that he had to do it all so I said that it was tradition. He still wasnt happy so I have said that fine, I wont go anywhere. I think he is being a selfish git, AIBU?" should would have got pages of YABU!!!!!!!!!!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 00:59

Could you repeat your answer for the hard of understanding silly bint, caruthers?

Do you think it's fair?

My dh is fascinated by the concept of him not existing Grin he's right here next to me and is not expecting me to carry out any domestic drudgery for him at present.

Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 00:59

Sabrina Watch "Lemons" or ... cant remember what it's called but its the one about Dave being his own father an son. They are brilliant, very much like the early series.

Can you still hear that whine?

reelingaroundthechristmastree · 12/12/2013 01:01

It's not fair to go out at lunchtime on Christmas day and leave your wifey at home with the MiL to see to the dinner

That's what it all boils down to and YANBU OP.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 12/12/2013 01:01

Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked.

I am sorry so how is this not him just avoiding his wife and making dinner?

Oblamov the op didn't say she didn't want to go (she asked if they all could go) she isn't invited. It would ruin it for him.

It's fine if "just the men"Go if that's what the women want too. But t's not over thinking it to assume they have a choice in the matter Hmm

Some people under think things.

Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 01:02

Sabrina Your DH doesnt exist, at least he didnt the last time I met him.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 01:02

The imaginary husband is watching Sherlock on iplayer at the moment. Not the one with Lara Pulver in, he tells me. My sister went to school with Lara Pulver has no way to prove this online.

Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 01:03

Doesnt matter really, she doesnt exist either! :o

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 01:06

My sons have definitely watched Lemons - they're all on Film Four. They love them. I've def caught bits of it - I'll endeavour to watch it properly now.

caruthers · 12/12/2013 01:06

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 12-Dec-13 00:59:08

Could you repeat your answer for the hard of understanding silly bint, caruthers?

Do you think it's fair?

My dh is fascinated by the concept of him not existing grin he's right here next to me and is not expecting me to carry out any domestic drudgery for him at present.

---------

I think it's perfectly fair (Love the imaginary husband BTW) she's being a bit of a bore over meat and two veg.

Hopefully he'll go out and she will cry a little because she lost an argument but in the long run she'll consider herself fortunate.

Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 01:10

DFTT

BlingBang · 12/12/2013 01:11

"I love the idea of a quick pint on Christmas Day. I like the idea if the men going. One year all my siblings went. My mum genuinely didn't want to go. She was glad of the peace. Everyone was happy.
Some families the men go. Some families everyone goes. I think it's lovely.
I think you are overthinking this."

You are over thinking this OP, stop ruining everyone's Christmas and know your place (in the kitchen obviously).

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 01:14

Here you go caruthers - my dh doesn't think he's being sexist, but just thinks he's being a cock. (his words exactly) He says 'sometimes men are cocks - that's it. she needs to tell him no.'

So it's all harmony at the Jjones household Grin Except I think it's being sexist (dh and I agree to differ on that point).

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 01:20

Mind you, he has just drunk my cup of tea as well as his own, and has just asked me to make another Hmm Not happy.

Brew
caruthers · 12/12/2013 01:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 01:26

Sabrina What I loved about Lemons was the bag! Jesus invented the shopping bag :o

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 01:28

Yup caruthers - that's what you've been wanting to say all along. "Nag indoors" Hmm Such a misogynistic term - and what I thought of you all along.

Oh, and just so you know - even if I didn't have a husband, my view would be just as valid as yours.

caruthers · 12/12/2013 01:31

Calling someone a nag isn't sexist what are you going on about.

I'm pleased you've come clean about your time as a wallflower.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 01:32

take your effing boots off when you come in the house Hmm

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 01:34

"nag indoors" is absolutely a misogynistic term. But you seem at home using it. Quelle surprise.

caruthers · 12/12/2013 01:34

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 12-Dec-13 01:32:49

take your effing boots off when you come in the house hmm

CARROT!!

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 12/12/2013 01:37

I LOVE the word 'nag'. It is such an easy way of working out whether people are just disagreeing or they are really wannabe silencing misogynists.

Anyhow, think the point about buggering off to the pub when the host is being told they have to stay at home and cook for you, and sulking if they point out it's rude is the important one. If I went to someone's house for dinner, I wouldn't fuck off for a piss up while they cooked and tell them they weren't invited. It's obviously really rude, regardless of the day, the genders and the tradition.

The fact that the pubs are only open when the hard slog of dinner is going on is just proof that the patriarchy is alive and well. Christmas dinner at my house isn't 'just a roast'. It is three courses plus canapes and options for all comers. Fuck your meat and two veg.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/12/2013 01:38

Tell your H that it's settled on the toss of a coin. Heads gets to be the one who stays at home preparing dinner, tails the one who stays at home doing the washing up after dinner. Guests get to go to the pub either or both sittings, because they are guests.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 01:39

MrsTerry - it's certainly a useful tool in working out who to talk to on the internet, isn't it?

Use of misogynist terms like "nag" = NOT worth engaging with Smile