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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me Grin and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:
clam · 12/12/2013 00:26

Hi, lettuce. If you ignore the recent de-railing of the thread by an arsehole someone whose purpose in posting is unclear, you will see that many of us here totally get why you're pissed off about this and agree that your dh is being unreasonable.
Hopefully, he'll come to his senses and stop stropping about it all. Do make sure, however, that he doesn't get too far down the "woman stays home in the kitchen" mindset.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 00:26

She would only jeopardise her marriage if her husband was a misogynist that think she has to stay home with his mother and the dinner while he's out at the pub.

caruthers · 12/12/2013 00:28

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 12-Dec-13 00:26:18

She would only jeopardise her marriage if her husband was a misogynist that think she has to stay home with his mother and the dinner while he's out at the pub.

He's not a misogynist because she rates him highly as a husband.

Just because some posters here didn't land so lucky doesn't mean you can dig in and try and ruin hers.

Was it Carrot Bogey?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 00:29

She doesn't want to stay home with the dinner and the MIL, caruthers. Hence her aibu post.

Or did you miss that in her OP?

Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 00:31

Is it me, or is there a weird irritating noise?

Like whiney sort of sound.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 00:33

I'll say, Bogeyface. Whiney.

chipshop · 12/12/2013 00:34

The men in my family have always done this and I think it's a nice tradition. We have a lot of dominant females and it's nice for the men to bond and get a word in! One of my BILs never goes as he hates pubs and beer and man chat. Grin

maddy68 · 12/12/2013 00:35

He just wants to be with his dad? Is that so difficult? How many more years will be be able to do that. I think it's nice. It's not sexist, he just wants a bit of 1:1 time

If she wanted to do the same no one would be calling her sexist?

caruthers · 12/12/2013 00:37

This reply has been deleted

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Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 00:38

Sabrina (did you order the lobster a la grecque or the a sausage and onion
gravy sandwich on white bread, with a glass of sterilised milk?) all I hear is blah blah blah!

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 12/12/2013 00:38

No one in the history of the world has ever gone to the pub for just a half hour.

Just because sexism is genteelly ensconced in "tradition" doesn't make it right

AlternativeMoniker53 · 12/12/2013 00:40

Why on earth would anyone go to the pub while their host remained behind cooking their dinner? Surely that's just plain rude? Dressing it up as "tradition" doesn't make it any better.

Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 00:40

Derailing for those of us in the know....what did you think of Series X Sabrina? I thought it was brilliant, very much like the old school episodes. I didnt mind 8 and (9) but .... they lacked something for me.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 12/12/2013 00:41

If she wanted to do the same no one would be calling her sexist?

Probably not sexist.. probably an entitled dick though

maddy68 · 12/12/2013 00:43

Or an individual, not joined at the hip person, , an adult that is capable of sticking a joint in the oven and being sociable?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 00:45

Haha Bogey! We have the best from the fish'n'chip emporium on Christmas Day, and champagne peed from the statue in our courtyard (they worked out how to do it in the end) Grin

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 00:46

...and definitely a glass of sterilise milk Grin

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 00:46

*sterilised

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 12/12/2013 00:50

If she wanted to do the same no one would be calling her sexist?

That's a fair point, Maddie68. If the mum wanted to disappear with HER mum for an hour or so, whether it be to a coffee shop or a pub, would everyone be so quick to shout it's disgusting?!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 00:51

caruthers still hasn't answered my question on whether it's fair to leave a partner cooking Christmas dinner whilst you bugger off to the pub.

It'll be interesting - if he comes up with a good case, maybe I'll try it on DH this christmas and bugger off to the pub myself, with just my mum and sisters...

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 12/12/2013 00:53

Derailing for those of us in the know....what did you think of Series X Sabrina?

I'm not Sabrina (although I wanted to be, lol) series X was OK but a bit pants.
An improvement on series 7, 8 and 9 which, to be frank, were dire but at least series X had SOME funny moments!
Series 4 and 5 were the best for me Smile

caruthers · 12/12/2013 00:54

This reply has been deleted

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BlingBang · 12/12/2013 00:55

How many women traditionally have went off with their women friends and family on Christmas Day and left their menfolk to get on with it? Why should the Op suck this up? If people are happy to do it fine - but the OP is not.

Christmas (traditionally) had always been great for men and not so for the women in their lives who usually do the Donkey share of the work.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/12/2013 00:55

Yes, series 4 and 5 are the best. I really don't like the most recent - although my sons do.

Oblomov · 12/12/2013 00:56

I love the idea of a quick pint on Christmas Day. I like the idea if the men going. One year all my siblings went. My mum genuinely didn't want to go. She was glad of the peace. Everyone was happy.
Some families the men go. Some families everyone goes. I think it's lovely.
I think you are overthinking this.