Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

[lettucelamp]

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

Have you cooked a three course Xmas lunch for 14? I have, many many times.

I have cooked for more than this on many occassions, so yes, thankyou.

I can't understand how people get in such a flap over christmas lunch. Make a cold starter or a soup and buy a pudding or make something in advance. Do the mise en place in advance, it's not rocket science

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 12-Dec-13 00:10:28

Yes, I'm married, caruthers. My dh wouldn't even ask to go down the pub without me on Christmas Day. He certainly wouldn't expect me to stay home with the dinner. Nor I him. We have respect for each other, like.

I'm doubting this very much...very much indeed.

But as my old Nanna used to say, carry on romancin'.

Caruthers

I have reported your post to Sabrina. That is disgraceful. For someone who clearly values his own "brilliance", you have rather let yourself down.

Thanks for all the responses, just had a read through them all, some interesting points and it's made me think.

I think really what I'm most annoyed with is it just being assumed that I'm going to stay at home and cook the dinner. It was when I suggested some modifications i.e. leaving the turkey in the oven and all going - preparing veg before and then just cooking it when we got back, or all going after dinner that he got a bit of a strop on and said I'd spoiled it and I don't really get why doing it like that would be a problem.

If it was a normal day, I'd actively encourage him to have a bit of time just with his Dad. I'm trying to talk him into a camping trip just the two of them in fact. But in this situation, if it were me, I'd never even dream of leaving my DH at home cooking Christmas dinner on his own with one of my parents! While me, my other parent and any siblings buggered off to the pub. The very idea seems completely ridiculous.

I don't even know how to bring it back up with him without having another argument

Actually, Sabrina, I think you'll find that *Caruthers didn't take his boots off at the kitchen door, because "he didn't feel like it."

caruthers, it's you that comes across as angry - tell me, do you think it's fair to leave a partner at home with the Christmas dinner, while you go off to the pub?

Oh god clam - is that right? I gave him way more credit than he was due!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 11-Dec-13 23:58:16

Totally.

OP, you are not BU and I'd be first with my coat on to go for a quick pint too.

OP how did you leave it before though.... Is he planning to go still or not????

I can't see the point of going to the pub for half an hour anyway. Surely they will barely have got there before they come back? Unless the mythical 'half an hour' will become more like an hour and a half...

Him getting in a strop because you suggested other ways of doing it isn't on. That does make it seem like he wants to exclude you, which isn't really what Christmas Day is all about, is it?

ChristmasCareerist I stand corrected! I think we all just go with what we know, some families can all cook in one kitchen, others like mine cant be allowed in the same room with knives! :o

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 12-Dec-13 00:13:35

caruthers, it's you that comes across as angry - tell me, do you think it's fair to leave a partner at home with the Christmas dinner, while you go off to the pub?

It would all depend on who i am married to.

Wouldn't it

Oh good, has he gone?

caruthers - you can doubt my posts all you like - I don't care. I only speak the truth here - but, of course, you have no way of knowing that. I certainly suspect you have an agenda here, though. Your poor wife

Thank you Clam :o

I had forgotten about that! Must be the sherry......(hic)

It would all depend on who i am married to.

Yes. Many women do put up with this type of behaviour. Doesn't mean I have to, or the OP has to, or anyone else either. If someone's happy to do it - that's up to them. The OP isn't happy.

Dearest Caruthers

When did I call you a dick? When was I abusive.

Please reply soonest, with evidence to support.

Regards

Bogeyface

It was when I suggested some modifications i.e. leaving the turkey in the oven and all going - preparing veg before and then just cooking it when we got back, or all going after dinner that he got a bit of a strop on

For all of those wondering why he OP is being such a drama queen and irritatingly helpfully suggesting 'solutions', well she suggested her own and they were met with petulance. Still think she's being unreasonable??