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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:

ViviPru · 11/12/2013 23:36

Totally agree with Clam, Bogey, Sabrina et al. The specific circs surrounding the OPs DHs entire attitude in this particular situation are the crux of the issue here, not whether in general it's ok for the men to go to the pub for 'half an hour' or not.

The thought of being in the OP's shoes on Christmas day gives me the twitch. But then my MIL is decidedly insufferable

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 23:36

This reply has been deleted

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cjel · 11/12/2013 23:36

And you know this because????

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:38

clam

That's even more dramatic than the OP is making this out to be.

If she wants to keep the piece then so be it....she mentions he's a good man and this will blow over.

If I were him i'd order pizza and warm it up for all the fuss it's making.

TheZeeTeam · 11/12/2013 23:38

I would MUCH rather stay at home with my MIL, drinking wine and giggling as we cook than go to the pub. I'd be pushing the men out of the door tbh!

But, yes, they would be clearing up afterwards.

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 11/12/2013 23:38

Are people not grasping most pubs aren't actually open all day on Christmas day?! So how in thename of chuff are they supposed to go AFTER the Christmas dinner or whenever they like to go?!
The window before dinner is the only time it is open!

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:40

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SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 23:40

caruthers - are you advising the OP to just not stay with the dinner, as her DH has told her to, then? To just go out on her own/ignore the dinner? Maybe I'd be right with you there! Oh, but then, what a horrible Christmas. Plus, the poor MIL will probs just be left to do it.. cos it's family tradition ...?

Plus - it's what he's expecting of her that I have the problem with.

cjel · 11/12/2013 23:43

If MIL is anything like me I'd love to have that tiny bit of peace and quiet during the day , she offered to stay. perhaps she has started this tradition because she feels empowered by kicking her family out so she gets her quiet time!!!!

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 23:43

Santa - pubs.com has a list of pubs open on Xmas day. Some are open 11am until 4pm. If they were to have Xmas dinner at 2pm for example, finishing up at 3pm, if they lived near a pub opening up until 4pm then DH and his dad and whoever else might be invited could go for a half hour then. I would certainly be going as I wouldn't be staying behind to do the washing up. Other pubs are open at different times so they can go in the afternoon after dinner possibly.,

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 23:43

caruthers I think I am, I must be one of the few that havent called you a dick!

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 23:44

cjel - that's up to the MIL if she's happy with the arrangement. The point is THE OP ISN'T!!

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:44

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 11-Dec-13 23:40:45

Plus - it's what he's expecting of her that I have the problem with

That's exactly what I am saying if she feels so strongly about it.

As for his attitude, it's give and take and we all say odd things maybe she should do what she wants to do and overlook his insightful tactfull proposal for festive harmony?

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel · 11/12/2013 23:45

When that pair of hands is removed and you are left with a helper who you have never cooked with before, it could be awful.

Good lord, it's a family lunch, not the Fat Duck !

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:45

Bogeyface Wed 11-Dec-13 23:43:39

caruthers I think I am, I must be one of the few that havent called you a dick!

That's not true is it?

But if you feel better about yourself for being a (Dick pointer outer) then you just carry on

cjel · 11/12/2013 23:45

TABLIOPE I was replying to Sabrina who said 'poor MIL will be left to do it'

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 23:47

cjel - so? My last post still stands. Maybe MIL is fine with it and you obvbiously are but the point is the OP isn't...

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 23:48

Well, if she did do that, isn't that the "competitive family" thing you were so disparaging of, though, caruthers? Doesn't sound like a very pleasant Christmas day to me. Everyone buggering off and leaving the MIL to do it all.

Whereas a smidgen of respect from the dh, in not expecting his wife and
mother to be the domestic drudges on Christmas Day, would go a long way.

cjel · 11/12/2013 23:48

Oh I'm only allowed my view if they match with yours now - sorry didn't realise.

MistressDeeCee · 11/12/2013 23:49

Oh do calm down Clam yes, I said 'let him help' I do apologise if I didn't use correct terminology but your ensuing ticking off felt like my brain was being bashed in. Its just an internet thread.

I still think much if this is about gender warring, so many assumptions flying around, I'll have to duck.

I actually wish they'd just buy in an M & S or Waitrose dinner, problem solved all round, xmas dinner lives to see another day.

Oh dear Caruthers..umm..you do know you're a lone soldier here don't you? Aka..you've had it. I'm not hanging around to see the bloody aftermath

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 23:49

Now you're being deliberately obtuse. Your view doesn't matter any more than my one does - the point is the OP's view does matter and hers doesn't agree with yours and she's not happy with it.

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 23:50

cjel - and where did I say your view had to match mine anyway?

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:50

SabrinaMulhollandJjones

They don't have to do it if they don't want to.

I bet the OP has said some harsh things to her other half before now.

Stop the gravy train i want to get off....I really hope you follow some of this advice OP and enjoy the dying embers of your marriage

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 23:51

Caruthers Actually, I have never called anyone a dick, its not a very clever insult is it?

I just feel that you are, having been disagreed with vehemently, determined to come out in the right. The OP doesnt want anyone to tell her what she should do. That wasnt her question. She wanted to know if she was wrong to object to being told by her DH that he was going out and that it was being taken for granted that she and his mum would stay behind to cook lunch for the drinkers.

Based on that, no she isnt BU. What they should do instead? Well that is a matter of opinion. But you implying that any MNer that disagrees with your plan is just being difficult, is ridiculous.

cjel · 11/12/2013 23:51

But I was talking about MILs view not OPs So I think you are being deliberately ridiculous. Good night

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