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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband going to pub on Christmas Day

608 replies

lettucelamp · 11/12/2013 21:04

I need some advice, because I can't stop turning something over in my head. This is my first time posting so please be gentle with me Grin and it's a bit long winded!

My husband and I are hosting Christmas Day dinner at our house for the first time this year. I was really looking forward to it; it will be my inlaws coming but generally I get along with his parents very well, it's a bit up and down with his siblings but I'm not really worried, potentially just his sister coming as well, and my immediate family won't be there as they're going away for Christmas.

It was a bit of a Christmas tradition for my husband to go to the pub on Christmas day just before lunch was ready with his Dad, Grandad and brothers but his Grandad passed away a few years ago now, and we haven't had Christmas dinner with as a couple with his parents before (my mums last year, he insisted we have it on our own the previous two years, not living together prior to that).

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

AIBU to be a bit upset about this?

I feel like it's a) completely sexist b) completely unfair that I'll be left to finish the cooking on my own and c) not right to divide the family group on Christmas day!

He said it in front of his Mum, and I acted a bit put out but in a kind of joking way, his Mum said she wouldn't mind stopping so I could go with them but I feel like that's not the point.

Had a big argument about it when we got home, and I feel torn. Part of me feels like it is only half an hour and he's normally a very good husband, doesn't go out often, and doesn't really ask for much but on the other hand I think it's sexist and exclusionary. Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit! But I feel like the idea of being left cooking the dinner has spoilt Christmas Day a bit for me now - was really looking forward to it, now I'm dreading it a bit.

I can't decide if I'm being overly dramatic or if I'm right to not like the idea, and I want to get some perspective. What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:
SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 23:20

Might have guessed that, caruthers. Do you, perchance, go for a quick drinkie before Christmas dinner, while your wife cooks?? Wink

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:20

perfectstorm Wed 11-Dec-13 23:17:12

Sorry Caruthers, but when people are asking if you've had a drink because your posting style is so very, um, vehement

Making this much fuss over a few spuds and a roast joint is just banal.

And i'm not vehement just strident...there's a difference Xmas Smile

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 23:21

But you're not forcing* her to say behind and cook Grin

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 11/12/2013 23:21

SabrinaMulhollandJJones )love the name by the way, tried to register it a while back but said "already taken, try another!" bah.

Well, the OP's DH is saying that...to the OP.

Has the OP ever SAID to her DH that she wants him to do the Christmas dinner next year? If not, why not?!

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:22

SabrinaMulhollandJjones

I cook the good lay cleans and we like it that way.

We both go to have a glass or three at the pub and I begin boiling steaming and frothing on our return.

Xmas is for being happy not miserable :)

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 23:22

Caruthers you are spectacularly missing the the point!

It isnt about what she wants to do or doesnt want to do. She is pissed off that her husband expects her to just suck it up. This thread is about his expectations of women, particularly his wife and his mother.

If I found out that my husband, who had previously been an equality, 50/50 type of man expected me to be the little woman cooking his dinner because it was "tradition" then I would be upset, confused and fucking livid!

Stop trying to problem solve, listen to what is actually being said!

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:22

Not LAY ...Wife Blush

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 23:23

Santa - thanks - I love my name too Smile

I'm not sure it's relevant what happens next year - I just think it's out of order for one half of a couple to lay down the law on who goes to the pub, and who stays to cook the Christmas dinner, as the OP's husband has.

clam · 11/12/2013 23:24

Anyway so the other day he informed me that he was planning on going for a drink this Christmas day, just before lunch with his Dad (and undoubtedly any of his siblings that end up coming) and me and his Mum would have to stay behind with the dinner!

Did you miss this bit, Caruthers? "he informed me" and "me and his mum would have to stay behind with the dinner."

And mistressdeecee, what's with the "let him help" with all the prep? Let him help?! He's not a two-year-old, allowed to stand on a chair in the kitchen and help Mummy. He's an adult, in his own home, hosting Christmas for his family. He shouldn't be "helping," as directed by his wife, he should flipping well be doing his half.

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:25

Stop trying to problem solve, listen to what is actually being said

That's a bit harsh....it's a problem and there is a solution.

You might not agree with the points I am making but a fair few on this thread do.

So maybe if you listened a bit more?

SantaIKnowHimIKnowHim · 11/12/2013 23:25

If she wants to play the martyr then more fool her...she should exersise other options if she's that miffed.

This. Parboil your potatoes, chop all your veg in advance ready to bung on when you come back and have your cranberry/bread sauces etc made the night before etc.
No reason you can't get a swift half in the local pub in yourself if that's what you really want and STILL be back for Christmas dinner! Smile

perfectstorm · 11/12/2013 23:25

Strident, rigid, dictatorial and aggressive... it's a fine line. Wink

And it isn't about the spuds. It's about the attitude his behaviour reveals. If you don't see that, your position is certainly more fathomable. The thing is, you aren't willing to open your mind even a crack to examine what is bothering others about this one. Maybe read the OP again, and note how many times this bloke tells his wife how they are doing things, and how he reacts when she disagrees and tries to suggest compromises? Because that's the issue. Not who peels spuds.

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:26

Did you miss this bit, Caruthers? "he informed me" and "me and his mum would have to stay behind with the dinner

You are probably missing the part where it's her choice not his.

But if she wants to play the martyr?

cjel · 11/12/2013 23:26

If you are going to get pedantic about what H has actually said because OP has written it in her post which you think I didn't read OP says her and mil have to stay home 'with' the dinner not do it all

perfectstorm · 11/12/2013 23:29

Tried to work out a compromise but he won't go after lunch, won't go before lunch is starting to be cooked. Said he won't go as I'd "spoiled it now" and I ended up backing down/grovelling to him a bit!

Yes, it really sounds like she is being the martyr in this relationship. Oh wait....

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 23:29

Caruthers - why won't you answer my question? Do you think it's fair that the OP's dh has told her that she should stay home to cook the dinner, while they all go to the pub?

It's irrelevant how easy you think a Christmas dinner is to cook.

clam · 11/12/2013 23:30

And MsVestibule, I think I'd be sitting down with dh well before BIL arrives, if I were you, and discussing between you exactly what you both feel about such a suggestion. Don't leave it to the day to blow a fuse!

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:30

perfectstorm

She still doesn't have to do it does she?

It's that simple!

Tabliope · 11/12/2013 23:32

cjel - and that makes it better! ha ha ha, you're a 1950s woman if you think staying home "with" the dinner makes it ok then as they don't have to do it all. Do you not get he's telling his wife what to do and this is his expectations and bugger what she wants?

cjel · 11/12/2013 23:33

Perfect - PUB WON'T BE OPEN BEFORE AND AFTER LUNCH!!!!!
Sounds like she is not listening to what hes saying and is stamping her feet to get her own way. It was just a half hour drink and she probably has ruined his excitement of having his dad and siblings at his for christmas for the first time

caruthers · 11/12/2013 23:33

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 11-Dec-13 23:29:20

Caruthers - why won't you answer my question? Do you think it's fair that the OP's dh has told her that she should stay home to cook the dinner, while they all go to the pub?

I have already explained.

She doesn't have to stay behind and cook dinner she can go out...she doesn't need his permission.

It's a non question.

She should down tools and go to the pub if she really wants to and to hell with the carrots.

clam · 11/12/2013 23:34

Well her 'choice' isn't quite so clear-cut, if he's behaving like the arse she paints. She seems to have said her piece (although a fair few on here think she should just suck it up and "let" him go) and he's now stropped off and accused her of "spoiling it all."

Sounds to me as if Christmas lunch/pub drinks is the least of her worries, to be honest.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 23:35

That's a bit harsh....it's a problem and there is a solution.

But the OP doesnt want a solution, she wants her DH to understand why she is pissed off at his attitude to her and his mum. She wants him to realise that treating them as unpaid staff is wrong, sexist and unfair.

So I dont need to listen to your solution. The only person who needs to listen is the OPs DH, and he doesnt want to because it doesnt fit in with the script he wrote!

cjel · 11/12/2013 23:35

Caruthers - How on earth can you be so blase about the carrots , its christmas don't send the carrots to hell!!!!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 11/12/2013 23:35

That's a horrible thing to say cjel - he told her what she was doing on hristmas Day, she objected, he went sulky, and then she said she was "grovelling" to him. Not exactly "stamping her feet" Hmm