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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To complain about this??

579 replies

absentmindeddooooodles · 11/12/2013 16:55

My ds is 2.9. He goes to the nursery down the road one day a week. ( cannot afford for him to go any more regularly) just to get socialised and to try and work on seperation anxiety. velcro child syndrome

Went to pick him up today and was met by three of the nursery workers "wanting to have a talk".

This got me really worried as they looked very....strict. like I was being bloody told off.

To cut a long story short....they told me that as my son is still in nappies I would have to think about taking him out of nursery until the problem is sorted!! ( problem him not being potty trained)

They talked for a good ten mins about how its an inconvenience to them having such a big boy needing constant monitoring incase hes done a poo.

I didnt want to get into an argument and never would infront of all the kids, but did put across a couple of points:
. He is in "the baby room" as they call it. Babies from birth to 3 years. There are fewer older toddlers than babies....so I imagine they should be all set up forpchanging nappies.
.theybe never said anything to me before about him being in nappies being an issue. I have even had discussions with his keyworker about the favt that I had tried potty training him but he got a v bad bout of chicken pox right in the middle of it so we have gone back to square one.
. I dont personally think he's too old to be in nappies. He's not 3 until april and as long as he isn't rocking up to his first day of school in pampers Its fine.
. He is currently undergoing a diagnnosis for adhd and possibly as. It's bloody hard enough to get through the day without making him do something hes not ready to.

Their response to all the above was that he is more than old enough to be using a toilet and by him not doing this its taking time away from the babies who actually need looking after!!!!!

Out of the three of them who spoke to me....the youngest one ( about 16 on placement) told me it was disgusting to have to clean up a fully grown childs poo!

Im reeling and actually v embarassed as there were quite a few other parents round while this was going on.

Now I know ianbu to not be impressed with the way this was dealt with......but aibu to not have potty trained him by now?

Should he be totally out of nappies by this age? This is my first dc and moat friends dc are younger thn mine. A family member had their dd totally dry through the night by 2.5....but all kids are different.....surely its down to the individual?

Im sorry this has been so epically long...but am at a loss!
.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 13/12/2013 13:26

OP does not need to bring her tales of next door to Ofsted, the lad is doing it on her behalf. All OP needs to do is be factual about the event.

absentmindeddooooodles · 13/12/2013 13:47

I've just had two women from social services turn up at my door.

They told me that they have recieved a phone call feom an annonymous party who was concerned about my sons wellbeing. They woulsnt tell me any more than that.

They came right in and stood in the doorway of my front room. Asked me questions about ds. About his development. Who our hv was and so I gave them all the details if the paediatric team that hes under right now and the hv.

Ds was sat on the sofa in pink pj bottoms and bumblebee wings with chocolate on his face. Not a great impression judjing by the looks on their faces.

They only stayed about 10 mins but kept looking around the room.

We have a puppy that kind of got dropped on our laps a couple of weeks ago. Hes well behaved but we are in the process of crate training him, so he was in the crate in the hall by the door. ( just while ds was eating as hes a bouncy little thing) they asked me queations about this. If the dog was agressive...if not why was he in the crate? Etc.

Ive never felt so horrible in my life. Having to justify myself to strangers because some jumped up idiots aretrying to make me look bad.

I talked about his routine and what he is being assessed for. They couldnt twll me what will happen next but that they will be intouch. My house is totally child friendly. A little hectic ( as you would expect with a hyperactive 2yo) but its clean and not horrid at all.

Can they have got a bad impression? Im so scared as ive never had any involvement with ss before or know anyone who has! Please please tell me that they wont do anything more. Ive read horror storiws on here aboit them not believing people.

My poor ds does not need this! Hes a normal boy with acouple of issues that im teying my best to help him with. Hes happy and healthy and even though its tough I think I do an ok job!

God im scared now.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 13/12/2013 13:53

Did you tell them about next door and the issues at nursery? They will take a dim view at somebody wasting their time with a hoax.

However, it is good knowing that ss do get out to people if there is real concern.

ElbowPrincess · 13/12/2013 13:53

Wow, things are moving so fast Shock

ConfusedPixie · 13/12/2013 13:56

Pass on lad's statement, it tells the truth and as it is not you saying anything about the neighbour it's fine imo.

RE SS, you may find that it gets the AS/ADHD ball rolling faster if they stay in contact, but it shouldn't really go far. They'll talk to your HV and paediatrician and be fine about it all.

Absolute fuckers for reporting you to SS though. They know that they are in trouble. If SS do get back in touch offer them your DS' log book and info from nursery before they decided to get nasty, because that reports no concerns.

absentmindeddooooodles · 13/12/2013 13:57

And yes all copied and pasted.

Parts of this area are very deprived. Not many people leave school with good gcses. Unfortunatley the childcare courses have the lowest entry requirements.

If you are male with crap grades then you do manual labour.

If you are female with crao grades you do childcare or hair and beauty.

So it does not surprise me that the spelling is bad and the standard of writing isnt great. All a common occurrence around here :(

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 13/12/2013 13:57

No, you'll be fine.

Seriously, a slightly normally messy house is good!

I would call your HV and update her - she might be the one they get in touch with next. It might be an idea to tell her about this lad's statement and the NDN.

God how stupid can these people be! As soon as this paper trail, including OFSTED contact, reaches SS it's going to go down as a malicious report. But you have a very good idea of who made the report!

Others might have better advice though...

MrsDeVere · 13/12/2013 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConfusedPixie · 13/12/2013 13:59

Your area sounds very much like where I grew up in that respect, many of my peers went into childcare before having their own children, couldn't give a fuck about other peoples kids :(

TalkativeJim · 13/12/2013 14:00

Oh goodness I hadn't even thought of the nursery reporting, I assumed NDN.

Even stoopider!

I really would call HV and have a chat, try and get a contact name and email at SS and outline the situation - including the statements, and the fact that you've gone to OFSTED.

And make sure you make SS aware of your sheer delight at their involvement and that you will be looking forward to their support with your DS's assssment...

You won't see them for dust :)

absentmindeddooooodles · 13/12/2013 14:02

I didnt even think of showing them all the paperwork from nursery. Was in too much of a panic.

I did say that id made a complaint about the nursery and they were making false claims against me. But they said they were not here to talk about that.

I know im a good mum. Well good enough anyway. They should beable to see that!

I cant belive they moved so fast either! Like you say comforting to know that real complaints are taken seriously though.

Cannot believe that this is all happening though. I'm notused to any of this! Ss, ofsted, complaints etc. Its alien to me and I think I really need to read up on all the systems so I can go into this well informed.

OP posts:
juneybean · 13/12/2013 14:03

Wow the nursery really are a vindictive lot!

LingDiLong · 13/12/2013 14:06

Correct me if it's different in England but nurseries /childminders in Wales can't refer to ss anonymously, even if you don't discuss it with parents first, they are told where the referral comes from.

ElbowPrincess · 13/12/2013 14:06

Have you managed to speak to ofsted yet?

LingDiLong · 13/12/2013 14:07

Which would suggest it's the neighbour if it was done anonymously

absentmindeddooooodles · 13/12/2013 14:08

Comments an info are all really useful thanks people. X

Its got to be ndn surely. Nursery cant gwnuinley be that stupid right?!?

Although surely ndn wouldnt want tondraw attention to herself when she has hv involved already?

Aaarrrrggg!!!

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 13/12/2013 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClayDavis · 13/12/2013 14:09

I don't think they can here either. My guess is 'anonymous phonecall' is not an official referral from the nursery. Linked to the complaint somehow, but not an official report.

MrsDeVere · 13/12/2013 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClayDavis · 13/12/2013 14:10

x-posts with MrsDV.

MrsDeVere · 13/12/2013 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slev · 13/12/2013 14:16

dooodles (too many/not enough "o"s?) - think you've had lots of reassurance from others but just to add my own experience.

DS was in nursery from 6 months to 3.5 when he left to go to kindergarten this year. He often cried on drop off - we'd go through phases when he was fine, then the next week it was tears every day - and that was from a child that was full time. Lots of other kids did it too. And nursery were fine with it - they would take him off me, lots of cuddles, try and get him engaged with some toys etc. - even when he was older. Your DS is 2.9, it's hardly unusual for children that age to cry when they're dropped off, the nursery should have had a way to deal with it and it's not a reflection on him.

And in terms of development, we started potty training on his 3rd birthday and it took a week or so. He wouldn't have been ready earlier - nursery tried encouraging him and he just had no interest. I can't remember when he started learning to count but up until he started kindergarten in September he definitely wasn't counting beyond 10 and didn't know the alphabet beyond the letters in his own name. He's learnt it all since (and to quote school is a "bright boy" < not so stealth boast>) - to expect a child to know all that at 2.9 is, quite frankly, bonkers.

In my unprofessional opinion. Grin

absentmindeddooooodles · 13/12/2013 14:17

Yep spoke to ofsted earlier before all this. They were fab, very helpful and have logged my complaint. They said theyd be intouch when things get going.

OP posts:
PunkHedgehog · 13/12/2013 14:26

Don't worry about the bumble bee wings and chocolate, they don't expect a neatly groomed toddler sitting down learning Latin verbs. A friend of mine had social services drop in (doing court reports for a rather messy custody case) moments after she'd dropped and broken a full bottle of whisky in the hallway and it was still all fine. Normal life isn't tidy and perfect and SS don't expect it to be.

Don't panic about their involvement, it will back up rather than undermine your case to have either the nursery or NDN calling them in maliciously. Just be open and straightforward with them, tell them what's going on, give them copies of the paperwork if they want it, and let them draw the very obvious conclusions.

And I hope that nice nursery worker finds a new and much better job very soon. From his statement he sounds just the sort of person you'd want looking after small children, someone who genuinely likes them rather than doing it simply because there's no better option available.

custardo · 13/12/2013 14:37

what a barrel of cunts they are calling SS.

I have absolutley no words

this is fucking outragous, i hope you get the outcome you need

did SS say when they would be back to you with the outcome of their visit?