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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that working full time when you have a toddler must be heartbreaking

149 replies

MillyStar · 11/12/2013 12:15

I've been a secretary for the same company for over ten years and i've worked two days a week since January when my maternity leave ended, dd is now 19 months old

She goes to nursery one day a week and her nanas the other day.

My company are relocating too far away for me and i've struggled for about 4 months to find anything part time, even supermarkets etc - all the part time stuff seems to be different shifts every week or just a few hours each day

I've just had an email from a solicitors asking if i would be interested in a full time legal secretary job, i'm going in for an initial chat with them at 5pm

It's a job i've looked into numerous times but always been knocked back as you need experience, these guys have my CV and know i don't have legal experience so i feel that i have to grab this chance. I'm single now so i need to get the best job i can for DD and if i end up working in a Starbucks or somewhere until she's a bit older i may find it difficult to get back into office work

It may all amount to nothing but I just feel sick about working full time already, I hate the fact that i only get about 2 hours with dd on the two days that i do work so for that to happen 5 times a week would be heartbreaking for me ;(

Please tell me it's not as bad as it feels it would be at the moment?

OP posts:

MrsUptight · 11/12/2013 12:19

HOw old is she? Listen, she will be in school before you know it...that's most of the day away from you anyway. If you gt offered a job like this, I would take it. Jobs are not easy to find and many children are just fine with working parents. She will be with her Nana at least one day a week and you get two days at the weekend as well as bedtimes...it will be fine.

kinkyfuckery · 11/12/2013 12:21

Like everything in life, you just have to grab what you can and make the most of it. You'll make the best of weekends and holidays, finding your own special ways to spend time together.
It sounds like a great opportunity.

TwoMinutesToMidnight · 11/12/2013 12:25

I will have 2 in FT childcare when I go back to work after mat leave2. Honesty for me it was heartbreaking leaving dc1 first time round. I imagine its going to feel doubly heartbreaking second time round with a baby and toddler but I have no choice.

Over time it gets slightly easier. And you really appreciate the time you do have with then on the weekend.

AlbertHerbertHawkins · 11/12/2013 12:25

When mine were tiny I woyld often work two 13 hour shifts back to back at the weekend end and not see them from fri night to mon morning. You adjust, it becomes normal to you all. Needs must when the debil drives.

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch · 11/12/2013 12:27

Can you not suggest a job share? I realise it would be a big ask but it could be made to work.

FraidyCat · 11/12/2013 12:27

My DD is 3.5, as long as she has napped during the day she is awake (and not grumpy) until 10pm. No lack of toddler time for her mother, who works full-time. (Though yesterday, unusually, she passed out at 7pm, must have not napped at nursery.)

HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas · 11/12/2013 12:31

They might negotiate slightly reduced hours, always worth asking. And I know what you mean, but when opportunities like this come along, the timing is sometimes less than ideal. Look at it this way - steady office work means more money, security for you and your DD, possible career progression (which will help you two in the future) plus you'll always be there for bedtime, you'll be there all weekend too.

worldgonecrazy · 11/12/2013 12:32

It is hard. I have worked full time since DD was 14 weeks, plus I have other jobs which take me away from her. However, I am the main breadwinner so I have to do these things. I just remind myself how much easier I have it than some women in other countries who have to leave their babies for months.

It is not easy, but I have found support in other working mums in my office, especially in the early days.

monicalewinski · 11/12/2013 12:32

Both my boys were in ft childcare from 6 months - it may be hard initially and you may feel guilt, but it will just be you that feels bad - your daughter will be just fine.

Children are very adaptable and resilient and you will more than likely find she just slots right into the change with no bother at all.
It's us as mums that overthink it all IMO.

You said this is exactly the sort of job you wanted and this is an opportunity that has presented itself right when you need it - take the job and don't torture yourself unnecessarily.

Good luck!

shelley72 · 11/12/2013 12:35

I SAH. I have a 3.5 year old. Some days I think a full time job would be bliss! It sounds like a great opportunity for you. No harm in finding out a bit more - you could always say no? Better to have the choice though?

Original poster

MillyStar · 11/12/2013 12:37

Thank you all so much, i feel a bit better about it already

I won't dream of saying no if i do get offered a position by them, i will explain everything when i go in to see her later and see where the chat takes us

I know dd has a ball at nursery and at her nans house, and i have a feeling her nan will have her 2 days for me if i went full time, like somebody said it will feel worse for me than for her

OP posts:

bibliomania · 11/12/2013 12:39

I'd say take the job. Heartbreaking, not so much. Your dd is at the stage when she's really going to start enjoying being around other dcs. Mine thrived in childcare from a younger age than yours. Like you, I'm a single mother and (speaking for myself) not likely to have another child, so I think it was especially good for my dd to be with the other children. She's 6 now and at school with another little girl she knows from being at nursery when she was 2, and like having a sister or at least a cousin.

rumbelina · 11/12/2013 12:42

I work full time, DS is 3.1. I do miss him but he loves nursery so much, he is so happy. I was off one day last week and we were going out in the afternoon but he begged to go to nursery in the morning! but

justmyview · 11/12/2013 12:44

I'd say go for it. In this climate, jobs are hard to come by. If you get the job and find it difficult, you could seek reduced hours at a later stage. I wouldn't go in asking for part time at this stage. If it's advertised as a full time job, I fear they'll be quick to take you off their list of potential candidates if you seem unwilling to work full time

attheendoftheday · 11/12/2013 12:45

It's honestly not as bad as you're imagining. You have good quality childcare, some of which is with her nana who loves her. She will be fine, so will you.

I work fulltime, because I can't afford not too. Working is still a way of caring for and looking after your family.

SuperStrength · 11/12/2013 12:46

By 24 months she is likely LOVE going to nursery every day. You will miss her, but she will be having a great time. Much better for her than being bored at home IMO.

unlucky83 · 11/12/2013 12:49

I worked full time from DD1 being 5 months old (part time from 3 months) -long story but I'd made the commitment and kept to my word.
I found that made weekends special ...we would always do something special together,whether going out or staying in and I wanted to spend time with her..when I picked her up from Nursery I got a great big cuddle (I did miss her)...we had dinner together, had bedtime snuggles etc.
As a SAHM for DD2 (now they are both school age) - I did far less and was glad of the break and peace when she could go to playgroup etc...a lot of the time we spent together wasn't 'quality time' and when she was asleep I would think 'Yesss - me time!'......
Honestly I think part-time working is best ...but at least full time you will be pleased to see her and try and make every minute special...

TwelveLeggedWalk · 11/12/2013 12:49

Honestly am sure she'll be fine. Personally I think full time nursery for the under 3s is a bit much, but she is with her GM in a home environment for quite a lot of the time. I also think they definitely benefit from time away from home, and with kids her own age, so she'll get that too.

If you get offered the job you could ask if they'd be interested in a flexi-hours approach - depending on the type of client work they get it might be in their interests to have someone work a couple of evenings to buy you some day time at home with her.

LST · 11/12/2013 13:04

I work ft and dp works pt at weekends so he has ds all week. I see ds all weekend but miss him in the week and me and dp never get to spend proper quality time together. It's heart breaking, but needs must.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 11/12/2013 13:05

I was at home with two toddlers. I found that pretty heartbreaking also :)

OpalTourmaline · 11/12/2013 13:05

If you are concerned you would find it heartbreaking and you can manage on part time pay, you could go for the full time job but then continue to look around for part time work that would suit, or test the water for a job share once you are in the job?

FlutterShyPinkiePie · 11/12/2013 13:21

I was in a similar position to you only I got made redundant. I couldn't find a part time job so took a fab full time position. After 4 months it was too much for me (don't think I was organised enough!) so I handed in my notice. The company really surprised me and offer to reduce my job to part time, having never offered that to anyone before. So although there's no guarantee, it may be possible to change, or change positions within the firm, once you have a foot in the door.
It sounds like a good opportunity so I'd take it and just see what happens

Bodicea · 11/12/2013 13:51

You could ask if they might consider you working 4 days a week maybe or slightly reduced hours. You never know they might take you up on it. A lot of places advertise full time hours as they think will attract the most candidates but don't always need those exact hours.

PointyChristmasFairyWand · 11/12/2013 13:59

I've always worked f/t when mine were little, went back at 6 months both times and they were in nursery. I was lucky in that I had an absolutely brilliant nursery - small and virtually no staff turnover, my DDs had the same key worker all the way from day 1. I had a long commute as well.

It wasn't heartbreaking, you get used to it. You end up making evenings and early mornings special, ditto weekends. As long as you put your everything into your time when you are with them, they will be fine. Mine never called anyone else mummy, they still speak fondly of their nursery now that they are 10 and 12 and they still go over to any of the staff when we run into them in town. They are happy, well-adjusted girls who do well at school, have good friendships and are part of a warm, close family unit. You sound like an amazing mother, so you will make it work.

Caitlin17 · 11/12/2013 18:12

YABU. There are many things in life which are heartbreaking, this isn't one of them.

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