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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that working full time when you have a toddler must be heartbreaking

149 replies

MillyStar · 11/12/2013 12:15

I've been a secretary for the same company for over ten years and i've worked two days a week since January when my maternity leave ended, dd is now 19 months old

She goes to nursery one day a week and her nanas the other day.

My company are relocating too far away for me and i've struggled for about 4 months to find anything part time, even supermarkets etc - all the part time stuff seems to be different shifts every week or just a few hours each day

I've just had an email from a solicitors asking if i would be interested in a full time legal secretary job, i'm going in for an initial chat with them at 5pm

It's a job i've looked into numerous times but always been knocked back as you need experience, these guys have my CV and know i don't have legal experience so i feel that i have to grab this chance. I'm single now so i need to get the best job i can for DD and if i end up working in a Starbucks or somewhere until she's a bit older i may find it difficult to get back into office work

It may all amount to nothing but I just feel sick about working full time already, I hate the fact that i only get about 2 hours with dd on the two days that i do work so for that to happen 5 times a week would be heartbreaking for me ;(

Please tell me it's not as bad as it feels it would be at the moment?

OP posts:
DaftSkunk · 11/12/2013 18:18

I wouldn't say it's heartbreaking but I find it hard tbh.

HalleLouja · 11/12/2013 18:23

I work part time more than I want to but my DD is 2 1/2 and the days she doesn't go to nursery she asks if she can!

Also if you want a part time job sometimes the best way is to start FT and see if they will be more flexible further down the line.

carabos · 11/12/2013 18:25

Men do this all the time. I doubt that many of them would describe themselves as heartbroken.

ILovePonyo · 11/12/2013 18:26

I work full time, dd is 2.10 and it's definitely not heartbreaking! Tbh I make more effort on the weekend now, and she loves nursery with all her little friends there.

I'd say take the job Smile

Mia1415 · 11/12/2013 18:28

I work full time and have done since my DS was 6 months. It's is hard but you do get used to it. I'm a single Mum too and I make sure that I make the extra effort to do loads of fun and exciting things at the weekend. Good luck with the job! :-)

Alanna1 · 11/12/2013 18:30

I work FT. Sometimes its hard but I also love that I love my time with my DDs, and they love nursery and their nanny.

handcream · 11/12/2013 18:32

I dont think the word 'heartbreaking' is the right word tbh. Heartbreaking is when someone dies - not when you are looking to take a full time role.

Full time roles are rare and they have approached you. Please dont go to the interview asking for Part Time work and telling them all the reasons why you are so worried about taking it full time. They will take you off the list immediately.

However, I agree with others. Take it full time, prove your worth and THEN ask for part time if you really think you can manage on a part time wage - I couldnt!

BTW - always worked full time with the most fab CM in the world!

TimeToThinkOfYourFuture · 11/12/2013 18:36

I work full time and I am not heartbroken! DD loves nursery, I enjoy work and we like time together at the weekend too. You will get used to it :)

jellybeans · 11/12/2013 18:39

I went back f\t and hated it. However p\t was great as DH had DD when I did 22 hrs over the weekend. However he changed jobs and had to work varied shifts so I am now a SAHM and love it.

Time goes so quick. If it was me I would keep looking for p\t even if it meant lower initial prospects. I would rather regret career than time with DC. You have your whole future to catch up. I was much happier p\t. A nice balance.

wonkylegs · 11/12/2013 18:47

I went back to work FT when DS was 7mths.
At times it was heartbreaking to leave him but other times I was glad to do stuff for me (and escaping for the day when he was in his terrible twos phase was bliss)
Rarely he'd be clingy but more often than not it was me that was upset about leaving him and he often didn't want to leave at the end if the day.
I love my career and I love our son. I make time for both. It's hard work but I figure it's worth it.
DS was at a great nursery and its done him no discernible harm. He's now a well adjusted sociable well behaved 5yo who is excelling academically at school and loves spending time with family and friends. (despite all the terrible things you hear about the kids of working parents so far mines doing ok)
I try my hardest to be involved with school (& nursery) plays/trips etc but explain to DS when I can't. We make weekends and evenings count. We always try to sit down and read together at bedtime and have a cuddle & a catch up.
DS made some great friends at nursery and despite going to different schools and moving to another town he's kept those friendships. It can be a positive thing for both of you.

unlucky83 · 11/12/2013 19:55

This might not be relevant for you ...but something I would say as well - do you know your local community, know other parents?
What I found difficult with DD1 was she went to private nursery up to starting school. I was new to the area anyway and didn't have any family around. I didn't know other parents but in our community there is a set pattern of mother & babies group, toddlers, playgroup, school nursery - I found the other parents and children all knew each other really well and it took DD1 (and me) a while to fit in...
With DD2 I've done the whole thing - I know if I'm late for pick up etc I can call someone and they will 'grab' DD2 for me, if I was seriously ill etc I know lots of other parents who would help out DP - a whole level of support I was missing for DD1...
When she is with her Nana can she do things like that as well - and is the Nursery local - or maybe a local childminder might be better???

FariesDoExist · 11/12/2013 19:55

Sorry but it was heartbreaking for me. I couldn't stop thinking about DD when I was in work, I hated it and I was an emotional wreck. In fact I would say that it felt like grief at times. The staff at the nursery were alright but I knew that she was best being with a person who truly loved her. Sorry but that's just how it was for me.

I quickly had DD2 and spent maternity leave with them both, and was then fortunate enough to be able to drop to part-time. I am much happier and our family life in general is so much better too. Mine are both in school now and need me just as much as ever.

Scarlettsstars · 11/12/2013 19:57

I found it heartbreaking to begin with but consoled myself with the thought of saving my children from homelessness and hunger. It helped some.

needaholidaynow · 11/12/2013 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LynetteScavo · 11/12/2013 20:02

Some people will find leaving their babies/toddlers heartbreaking, others wont.

With DS1, if I'd had to work I would have become ill.

But OP, I think this is a great opportunity, and you should go for it.

BohemianGirl · 11/12/2013 20:03

I cant abide people who project what it must be like.

I happened to love work. Having babies were an interruption to my career. Childminders were invented for people like me. So as you all were, judging full time working mothers (not parents/fathers I notice)

StandingInLine · 11/12/2013 20:04

I don't know ,after the day I've had with my toddler I could quite happily work full time !!

peachysnail · 11/12/2013 20:04

How about taking the job, proving yourself then asking for four days? I did this and worked 4 days several years. It was a great compromise

Queenofthedrivensnow · 11/12/2013 20:09

Good advice I had from am older lone parent was get the job first , then negotiate the hours. They can only say no. I did exactly this with my current role and they said yes to 3 days a week without much fuss and actually it bought my loyalty to them I've been there 3 years now and have no plans to move Grin
I am a lone parent and empathise with the agonising about this Hmm

kerala · 11/12/2013 20:11

I dont think the posters saying that they couldnt do it/it would break their heart are "judging" those that don't feel the same. We are all different. Personally I would have hated it, had friends who cut mat leave short as they missed their jobs so much. We are all different - making different choices shouldn't be seen as implicit criticism.

JemR234 · 11/12/2013 20:15

Definitely do not mention part time at interview stage (or even ask about hours other than maybe a general question about how the day is structured). You will be marked down as lacking in drive and probably disregarded. Unfair, but true.

A chat (much) further down the line about reducing hours or consolidating your week into 4 days for example, once you get the job and prove yourself, would be my advice. Or if you intend to have another DC in the near future then maybe you could negotiate different hours after mat leave.

If you hate it you can leave. If you don't take it you'll never know.

TheFabulousIdiot · 11/12/2013 20:18

I've worked full time since my DS was 10 months old; he is three now.

The key is finding childcare you are very happy with, getting through the settling in period and using your free time to have amazing adventures with your child. Also be flexible with your time inteeenings, ds and I have great fun most evenings.

mer74 · 11/12/2013 20:20

not heartbreaking if it's the norm.

surely that's the norm for working parents (fathers and mothers)?

i'm not sure how you could have it any other way, other than anyone with children works part time Hmm

expatinscotland · 11/12/2013 20:25

Heartbreaking? NO. My child died of cancer. Now that is heartbreaking.

I worked FT when she was a toddler. She was a happy, contented child. We had great times. I was a legal secretary, too. I enjoyed my job, due to being in employment, we were able to rent a lovely flat in a great neighbourhood.

It was good.

We had fantastic weekends, holidays, evening. Being in such a role, I was able to take off a few hours here and there for nativity plays and the like, then do make up work at home.

Go for it! It will do both her and you the world of good and life will be so much easier with regards to renting, getting credit, etc.

MrsSchadenfreude · 11/12/2013 20:26

I would have gone mad if I had stayed at home all day with mine. They had lovely nannies and a nursery. We had quality time in the evenings and at weekends. I progressed in my career. And now they are in their teens they have been dispatched to boarding school, and come home at weekends.