To think that working full time when you have a toddler must be heartbreaking

[MillyStar]

I've been a secretary for the same company for over ten years and i've worked two days a week since January when my maternity leave ended, dd is now 19 months old

She goes to nursery one day a week and her nanas the other day.

My company are relocating too far away for me and i've struggled for about 4 months to find anything part time, even supermarkets etc - all the part time stuff seems to be different shifts every week or just a few hours each day

I've just had an email from a solicitors asking if i would be interested in a full time legal secretary job, i'm going in for an initial chat with them at 5pm

It's a job i've looked into numerous times but always been knocked back as you need experience, these guys have my CV and know i don't have legal experience so i feel that i have to grab this chance. I'm single now so i need to get the best job i can for DD and if i end up working in a Starbucks or somewhere until she's a bit older i may find it difficult to get back into office work

It may all amount to nothing but I just feel sick about working full time already, I hate the fact that i only get about 2 hours with dd on the two days that i do work so for that to happen 5 times a week would be heartbreaking for me ;(

Please tell me it's not as bad as it feels it would be at the moment?

Kindly person as in nannies, au pairs, childminders, nursery staff......you know, the child care providers that those of us who have to work for a living rely on!

I didn't say they replace the parents ( note parents, not mothers) but can take care of the basic childcare needs which little ones have.
Spare me the outrage.

Actually Lemonmuffin and Retropair - I'd agree with Dementedma. She doesn't mean a random person each day, she means a person who has been chosen to care for that child - like a childminder for example, or maybe a relative. There are scientific studies with brain scans and all sorts showing that to be fact it doesn't have to be the biological mother there all day every day for the child to be secure. It's not insulting at all. A baby doesn't mind if it's Mum, Dad, Grandma, a Nursery worker or their CM giving them their bottle or changing their nappy, but a teen won't be able to just open up to anyone.

oh, x-posted with you dementedma

Sorry but many kids need more than basic childcare needs and any kindly person won't do.

Great your kids didn't but many do.Many children need and want a parent before they start school and this care could never be replaced by any kindly person.

This isn't the case for many families as families differ as do children.

Many childcare providers are professional who take their job seriously.Speaking for childminders who are inspected by Ofsted any kindly person will definitely not do.

Back my 3 would have minded- a lot.

I am very lucky to be in a position that I was able to choose P/T (and that's what I wanted).
If I had to work F/T I would, but yes it would be much harder. I don't think I would be able to give DD daily quality time together, as on days when I work by the time I get home I am knackered. although snuggles are lovely I do feel guilty because I am usually counting the minutes till bedtime (hers and mine). I enjoy my stay at home days much more.

Everyone is different.

You could ask to work 4 days if you get the job. My friend has asked and been allowed to do this in her last three jobs. Or a half day one of the days. Good luck with what you decide.

I was going to suggest that.

I would 100% do it if I were you

I agree with DementedMa and Back. They do need you more when they are older. It has to be you standing on the sidelines of the football pitch in the driving rain watching the championship game and cheering them on when they are 14. But when they are small they will neither know, remember nor care whether you came to Harvest Festival or the Nativity play. They might mind briefly, in the minute, if they don't see you, but you can just say "Oh yes, I was behind the pillar in the church/the vicar's wife, and you know how tall she is!" and "You sang beautifully. I could hear you clearly above the others in "Little Donkey."" But when they are older, that's when they will remember, and it has to be you there.

And retro - if your children had not known anything other than nanny/nursery or childminder, from a very young age, they really would not have minded that it wasn't you doing the caring.

Or start doing it,make yourself indispensable then ask if you can drop a day(or two).

Not everyone's circs are the same. You will still be her brilliant special mum. You will find a good childcare solution for everyone.

Your daughter will admire her thoughtful gutsy mum for making opportunities for you both.

Good luck, ignore the detractors, not everyone has the luxury of part time or staying at home. It is very hard to get part time work in my field unless returning from maternity so I sympathise.

Sorry Mrs I disagree,I've worked in several sectors and many kids do care,mine would have hated every minute.

Re plays sorry that is utter rubbish. Most children of any age would be devastated if their parents don't come.Which is why most do.

Well we'll beg to differ then, Retro.

And in a crowded church, how many kids would get to see their parents anyway?

As someone said further upthread, it seems to be only women who have this dilemma. And not everyone has the luxury of being a SAHP. I'm the main breadwinner in the Schadenfreude Haus and we would have been seriously screwed if I had given up work.

Well considering most kids spend most of the time on stage trying to spot their parents I would say most kids would see their parents.

Retro - devastated, really? My parents both worked full time and therefore rarely managed to attend nativity plays and the like. I certainly was never devastated, it was just the norm - and I was absolutely fine about it.

Well all of our stuff - carol concert, nativity, etc, was done in the church - with the kids performing in the middle and all the parents jammed in round the edges. The chances of spotting your parents if you were performing were probably quite slim.

And now that they are in their teens they couldn't tell you what plays they did at primary or what they remember us coming to. It's quite a minor issue, I think.

Totally agree with retro

When you have experienced how upset dc get when they have no parent there, and child care pros not really telling the parents the truth, you think thank God my dc have never been.
How is being a sahp a luxury, its why some people have dc

Well in my experience of working with the kids doing the plays which are a big bloody deal involving lots of hard work being the only kid without a parent there to impress would be devastating.You weren't.

As most working parents can get leave for things like this quite easily I doubt this is relevant to the op's dilemma.

I work full time. I am away 7.30 till at least 6pm mon till fri. I earn a decent wage and we have a decent life because of it. I hate it. My child is tired (it's a long, long day). I am tired. Weekends are swallowed up with all the things I can't do during the week, if I want to spend any time at all with my child after work (washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, parties). Time versus money (if you can survive on it)? I say time, time, time. can't buy back time lost. It's like a currency all its own but, I think, buys better rewards. They're only little once. I don't want to miss that for the sake of money. Btw, I've been the single mum and now I'm in a coupke am much worse off for time AND money. What do you want to remember, lots of money or lots of time?

I have had to work FT since dd was 9 months but had a pretty cushy set up in my previous job where I did 2.5 days from home. Moved jobs in the summer and had to go FT, no choice (in fact being bullied by them to put in more hours.)

It's hard initially and I would be lying if I said I don't miss the days of being able to have days at home but I honestly think if you have good childcare and make quality time in the evenings your child won't suffer.

I have absolutely no choice in the matter so beating myself up about it would achieve nothing. But objectively speaking I can see that my dd is also thriving at nursery and I know in the long run I am doing the best thing.

I think any increase in separation from your dcs is initially pretty hard, but remember its harder on you than on them.

Children may not get to see their parents but they ARE looking for them, even when if they cannot see them. Is huge deal for them to know that someone is there. Seriously, 'they won't even notice' is a reason? Of course they will. You may not, but they WILL

"Most working parents can get leave for things like this quite easily." I was working a two hour commute away from where we were living (DH worked locally and attended all of the said performances, incidentally, but I think we are only concerned about Mummies on this thread, yes?). Yes, I could have taken a day's leave - but why waste a day's leave on a performance that was at best half an hour long, when I could have taken that precious day's leave during the school holidays and spent it doing something interesting with the children. Which seems to you to be a better use of annual leave?

And it also depends on what you do. I used to chair a meeting that involved a lot of very senior people from various organisations, and which was put in people's calendars as a "command performance" a year in advance. As we only got one, or at best two, days notice of ANYTHING at the school, if sports day or harvest festival coincided with this meeting, there was not a cat in hell's chance I could turn round and say "I can't come in for the meeting on that day as I've got something at my child's school." The meeting was in the diary, it had to happen with all the key players, regardless of outside events.

Why not investigate if you can do 4 days a week? It's certainly too good an opportunity to dismiss out of hand. No one can answer the question for you, because its a decision personal to you and your circumstance... But I can tell you that there is no 'must be heartbreaking' about it. Many parents work full time and it works very well for their family.
Personally I did 3 days until mine started school but that was more for my benefit than theirs; im sure they would have been fine 5 days. Good childcare is key. I've worked full time from when my youngest was 4; DH and I take days off for important events but have not got to every single assembly/ concert etc and my children have never been devastated. Another tip is that if you show yourself to be really good at the job, there is likely to be more flexibility about taking time off.

Well, Lairy, you just tell them you were there and they didn't see you. And you'll find they are quite happy with that, particularly if you praise certain aspects of the performance - "Jane has a really good voice, her solo was lovely/did John enjoy being a shepherd or did he want to be Joseph this year?/Does Miss Smith shout like that all the time, or was she just stressed by the performance?/Father Gary really seemed to enjoy the performance this year - did he choose that new harvest festival hymn, or was it Miss Smith?"

Is that any worse than telling them that the Tooth Fairy exists?