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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that working full time when you have a toddler must be heartbreaking

149 replies

MillyStar · 11/12/2013 12:15

I've been a secretary for the same company for over ten years and i've worked two days a week since January when my maternity leave ended, dd is now 19 months old

She goes to nursery one day a week and her nanas the other day.

My company are relocating too far away for me and i've struggled for about 4 months to find anything part time, even supermarkets etc - all the part time stuff seems to be different shifts every week or just a few hours each day

I've just had an email from a solicitors asking if i would be interested in a full time legal secretary job, i'm going in for an initial chat with them at 5pm

It's a job i've looked into numerous times but always been knocked back as you need experience, these guys have my CV and know i don't have legal experience so i feel that i have to grab this chance. I'm single now so i need to get the best job i can for DD and if i end up working in a Starbucks or somewhere until she's a bit older i may find it difficult to get back into office work

It may all amount to nothing but I just feel sick about working full time already, I hate the fact that i only get about 2 hours with dd on the two days that i do work so for that to happen 5 times a week would be heartbreaking for me ;(

Please tell me it's not as bad as it feels it would be at the moment?

OP posts:

ImagineJL · 12/12/2013 10:00

I'm a single parent and I work 3 days a week, but 2 of those are long days and I don't get home till after the kids are in bed.
I hate not seeing them, always have hated it, and it hasn't got better with time.
They're both at school now, and it really saddens me to think the time is slipping by and I wasn't able to spend as much time with them as I (and they) would have liked when they were little.
As a single parent I have no choice, but there's no way I'd work these hours if I didn't have to.

OP in your situation I would delay full time work as long as you possibly can. I see what you're saying about not wanting to spend too much time out of the office environment for fear of not getting back into it, but even delating full time work for just a year would be better than nothing in my opinion.

ImagineJL · 12/12/2013 10:04

Delaying not delating - not sure how that non-existent word got past my strict iPad!

monicalewinski · 12/12/2013 10:10

That's what I meant Retro, your children would not have been fine in childcare because (I am assuming), they never have been. Of course they would have been more likely to struggle with it as it was not what they had grown up with.

Most (obviously not all, as you said - one size doesn't fit all), most children that have grown up with childcare (from months old) are perfectly ok with it all and more than that, enjoy it, because this is their normal.

It all depends on your personal experiences growing up too, as you said you had an awful time as a forces child and wouldn't be a forces parent - but my experiences were good and I have tried to ensure that my children's experience of it are as good as poss. We've had to move, and that's affected them etc, but we've as parents tried to manage it in a positive way and so far it seems we've done alright (boys are 8 and 11 now and very settled, confident children).

One size doesn't fit all, but you cannot compare a child that has never been in childcare suddenly having to go full time, with one that has grown up with childcare part time making a transition to full time (as would be the case for the OP).

jellybeans · 12/12/2013 10:14

My DD never settled in f/t nursery which is one reason why I left. Nursery was fabulous and most kids there loved it.

PuntCuffin · 12/12/2013 10:17

Working full time with a toddler is what keeps me sane. I love my children, but I am not good at doing toddler fun activities, they bore me rigid.

Working full time is also what keeps my family afloat, and allows us to do more than just scrape by.

We are all different, with different priorities. I am not heartbroken. Nothing terrible has happened, working full time is not a tragedy.

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 12/12/2013 10:21

Sounds like it could be a really good opportunity for you Milly.
If you decide you do want it then be prepared to go for it in the chat/interview - there's so much competition these days.
Regarding your child being away from you for longer, that's something that tends to happen more as they get older anyway, so even if not ideal say for first year, I'm sure she'll be OK (have worked in child care and most children are very happy there most of the time) and will grow into it more and more so that by next year it would suit you both perfectly.
HTH

Original poster

MillyStar · 12/12/2013 15:49

Thanks for all of the replies

I've just seen the job on the job centre website, it's been posted today so it's not going anywhere for me but never mind, the thread has still given me a lot to think about

OP posts:

handcream · 12/12/2013 16:15

So if you are a single parent (as my DM was) then you will have to work, are you saying the choice is to stay on benefits?

Sometimes life throws a curve ball at you and you end up being on your own. You have been thrown a lifeline and you are wondering whether to take it.

If you dont who will support you?

mumofweeboys · 12/12/2013 16:24

Grab ft now before she starts school, its then I found I needed reduced hours with homework and activities

LynetteScavo · 12/12/2013 17:55

MrsSchadenfreude I have said such things to DS1 - once, when I couldn't go into an assembly because DS2 was having a tantrum. The truth would just have made DS1 more resentful towards DS2..

Kids aren't stupid. Eventually they will just play along with your game. And as already suggested, even small children can pick out their grown up from a crowd of 200.

My DM worked, but I had a close relationship to my grandparents, who were often sent in proxy. I always wished DM was there too, though.

I work full time, and don't remind myself of this went I sent my DM to events during school time (which thankfully my DC's school do very few of).

mer74 · 12/12/2013 19:34

I cannot believe that some people are advocating packing in a job to become SAHP because the benefits you get will be ok. or purposefully going part time in order that tax credits/benefits covers the rest of the bills you're not working to pay.

what kind of message does that send to your DCs?!

if a 16 year old schoolgirl were sprouting the same line, she'd be in the firing line for claims about sponging off the system... how would that be any different (or less/more worthy of condemnation) if you happen to be in your 30s or whatever and do the same? in fact, isn't that worse because if you work fulltime and drop back to part time knowing the govt will top you back up, you're even more purposefully "sponging" (so to speak).

also, if you do follow that advice, aren't all the working poor fulltimers basically paying your way

i cannot believe some of the advice being given here re the above - incredible!!

MoreThanChristmasCrackers · 12/12/2013 22:19

mer

It gives a message that you love them and aren't prepared to put a job before them, if you don't have to.
Some people have their dc because they want to look after them themselves rather than working whilst somebody else looks after them.
So yes, I would give the same advice. Take the tax credits whilst they are there your dc are only little for a short time.

birdynumnums · 12/12/2013 23:51

I think that needs must and if you need the job, take the job. I would and have. But when my DS was 3, I started working shifts 12-8pm. I needed to do it financially but it had a huge impact. My son was telling the staff at nursery that his mommy was gone and kept asking to draw pictures of my eyes. It was heartbreaking, I was only seeing for 2.5 hours in the morning and was asleep by the time I got back. I felt awful but I needed to work to pay the bills. Changed my shifts now, thank god.

OhMerGerd · 13/12/2013 07:21

Soon there won't be any tax credits or any welfare state for any of us to fall back in times of need because people have abused it by using it as is being suggested.
Don't limit your life by not taking full time work and succumbing to a life on benefits or jobs that will leave you unfulfilled. Think Especially of your DD who I am sure you are hoping will one day grow up to be a strong and independent woman. You are her example.
I'm sorry the job doesn't appear to be open to you anymore, but tbh I could tell from page one of the thread you were not going to get it. You were not in the right place in your head to give a performance that would say to an employer I'm up for this opportunity. I hope you don't regret it in the future. As others have said it won't be long before DD is at school and good jobs and opportunities are scarce. Having a working mum is inspirational to girls especially.
Yes of course there are times when we miss them and they us and some children have issues with this but some children with sahp also have issues. Most children however just enjoy the life they're living...if parents show a positive attitude they're happy working mum or not... loving and supporting them doesn't mean being on hand 24/7.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 13/12/2013 07:44

I love being at work full time. DD is 1. I'm perfectly happy because she is happy, healthy and loves the nursery she goes to two days a week, and loves her granny and grandpa who look after her three days a week. She gets one of her parents at either end of each day (barring exceptional circumstances) also.

Sure, I don't get to do some things like go to the toddler group Christmas party with her, but I don't see that as a problem.

I can see it would be heartbreaking if I hadn't managed to get decent childcare and she was unhappy. But she's not so all is good.

mumandboys123 · 13/12/2013 08:12

retropear I do hope you're not suggesting that those of us who work fulltime but who are unable to book time off to attend our children's school events are not somehow prioritising 'correctly'?

I teach for a living. If I happen to have a free period at the time my children's school plays are on then my head will happily let me leave to watch them. But I don't get an option otherwise. As a single, full-time working parent doing what I can only call a demanding job, I do hope you're not suggesting that my children are not my priority?

janey68 · 13/12/2013 09:08

If anyone is suggesting that a parent who works is not prioritising their children, or doesn't love then as much, or is in any way a less good parent, then frankly that would just be such a disgustingly nasty attitude that id feel very sorry for any children of a parent with those views. I'm
not saying anyone on this thread has actually stated that, because posts can get misinterpreted. But anyone who really does think that- wow, how nasty

Anyway as is stated above, tax credits are on the way out; the system is unsustainable. Benefits have gone badly wrong over recent years with people being able to work less and receive practically the same money, and now the country is reaping the results of that. So it's very very short sighted to think that way, because you'll be screwed when you're not able to do this in future - and also haven't been paying into your pension for long term security either

Retropear · 13/12/2013 09:19

No mum if you read the thread a poster said she didn't take time off for school plays because she'd prefer to have a day out.

I pointed out that most working parents do mange to attend as they have different priorities ie supporting school comes before a day out.

I'm well aware this is impossible for teachers as I was one and have friends still teachers.

Ime working parents manage to attend all the important stuff as most schools publish dates and you can simply book leave in advance.

There must be some groups where this is impossible ie teaching,forces,medical etc.

So no need for the attempt to stir thanks Janey.

janey68 · 13/12/2013 09:32

I was responding to mumandboys post actually!!!!!

MrsSchadenfreude · 14/12/2013 12:33

"Supporting the school comes before a day out." How sanctimonious do you sound?!

I did support the school. I was a school governor (interestingly, none of the governors were SAHPs), and I was a fundraiser for the village hall committee (used for some school events, plus Brownies, Beavers, Scouts etc). I also provided lots of home made cakes for the school bakes sales. So there are other ways you can support the school, rather than taking a day's leave for a 20 minute carol concert. And yes, I stick by what I say: I would rather take a day's leave and spend quality time with my children than waste a day's leave on a concert where they have no particular role apart from to tootle a recorder with 30 others or sing Little Donkey with the whole school.

In my book that makes me neither a bad mother nor unsupportive of the local community, which is what you are implying.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers · 14/12/2013 14:55

I can't understand the angst here, surely everyone tries to see their dcs productions? fair enough if you really can't get, that can't be helped but ime all dc had one parent or gp attending.
The ones who didn't were always upset because they had nobody supporting them.

jellybeans · 14/12/2013 15:24

It didn't matter to me if the play wasn't much cop but it matters to DC that you are there. I couldn't make a couple of events for older DC (had exams or hospital apts) and they were fine as they understood and I went to most events. But when we went to the class open days, every time the younger ones would look round and ask where their mum/dad was and teacher had to explain they couldn't make it/were at work etc. Most accepted it but a few cried.

trixymalixy · 14/12/2013 15:31

I worked full time when DD was 1. I'd been made redundant so didn’t have much choice. It was hard,but I was lucky enough to have my mum doing childcare 3days a week. I asked to go part time after a year.

raisah · 14/12/2013 16:13

Have a look at your local university job vacancy website for administrative/secretarial jobs as their hours for work life balance are more suitable for you than the legal profession. Theres is no harm in applying for a full time position & then asking for a flexible working pattern. Remember to match your skills & experience to the job specification in order to secure an interview.

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