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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that working full time when you have a toddler must be heartbreaking

149 replies

MillyStar · 11/12/2013 12:15

I've been a secretary for the same company for over ten years and i've worked two days a week since January when my maternity leave ended, dd is now 19 months old

She goes to nursery one day a week and her nanas the other day.

My company are relocating too far away for me and i've struggled for about 4 months to find anything part time, even supermarkets etc - all the part time stuff seems to be different shifts every week or just a few hours each day

I've just had an email from a solicitors asking if i would be interested in a full time legal secretary job, i'm going in for an initial chat with them at 5pm

It's a job i've looked into numerous times but always been knocked back as you need experience, these guys have my CV and know i don't have legal experience so i feel that i have to grab this chance. I'm single now so i need to get the best job i can for DD and if i end up working in a Starbucks or somewhere until she's a bit older i may find it difficult to get back into office work

It may all amount to nothing but I just feel sick about working full time already, I hate the fact that i only get about 2 hours with dd on the two days that i do work so for that to happen 5 times a week would be heartbreaking for me ;(

Please tell me it's not as bad as it feels it would be at the moment?

OP posts:

whereiseveryone · 11/12/2013 20:30

I'm a PA and I honestly don't know how I could the job part-time. Most PA jobs are full time and a half. The best I have managed is four days but that meant 100% job for 80% pay. I was also seen as less committed which I found very frustrating.

I've tried to find other part-time work but the pay always seems to be rubbish.

In your shoes, I would go for the full time option and employ a cleaner, ironing lady, gardener, decorator, handyman and car washer (if you can afford it!!!) so you can spend as much leisure time with your child as poss.

Best of luck.

lillibet1 · 11/12/2013 20:30

why I went back to work full time when my son was 5 1/2 months I had no choice it did not break my heart. I love my son he loves me and we have a great time when I am off. it is heard work keeping all the bits of your life going but doable if its waht you want or need to do

WidowWadman · 11/12/2013 20:31

I've gone back to work full time when my kids were 9 months old. Never broke my heart, because I found a fantastic nursery for them, where I knew they're looked after well and happy.

Heathcliff27 · 11/12/2013 20:31

So sorry expat for your loss. You speak sense. I went full time when I became a lone parent, DS was 2. It wasnt nice being away from him but we coped, keeping a roof over his head was more important than me feeling a bit sad about it. It didnt do any of us any harm, he's 18 now and away to uni, i'm more sad now he's not living at home.

expatinscotland · 11/12/2013 20:32

'I'm a PA and I honestly don't know how I could the job part-time. Most PA jobs are full time and a half.'

This. Also really limits you in a lot of ways. As a lone parent, the situation is a bit different than some of the other posters, but a good legal sec job is actually harder and harder to come by these days, just research a few threads on here, and can come with a number of perks such as paid for courses.

Believe me, they can pick up someone FT easily.

dementedma · 11/12/2013 20:35

Its fine. I have always had to work full time when dcs were babies. DC 3 was in childcare at weeks old! They have grown up to be happy well adjusted and independent. They will be fine.

BackforGood · 11/12/2013 20:41

Heartbreaking ? - overdramatic, much ?

Losing a child (to illness, terrorism, accident, fire). Now that's heartbreaking.

Watching a child with a degenerative illness - that's heartbreaking.
Hearing the details of children who have been mistreated or died through neglect - that's heartbreaking.

Leaving your child with a loving carer whilst you go to work is just a normal, everyday occurrence for thousands upon thousands of parents.

Perspective is the key here.

ShreddedHoops · 11/12/2013 20:42

This thread is really reassuring me, so thanks for posting it OP! I'm going back to work 4 days a week, currently do nothing and it's a dream opportunity but I'm so worried about my 2yo DS, it'll be such a change for him I have a lovely childminder but it's scary - he looks so disappointed when I drop him off, not even upset, just really forlorn.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 11/12/2013 20:43

It is a damn sight better than going hungry is the way I look at it OP.

Trills · 11/12/2013 20:44

YAB patronising and closed-minded.

Repeat after me:

Not everyone likes the same things that I like

Not everyone feels the same way as me, even if they are in the same situation

And that's OK

JemR234 · 11/12/2013 20:47

OP isn't having a go at anyone, she is asking for other people's experiences to help her make an informed decision. Possibly not the best choice of title but no need to jump down her throat.

Trills · 11/12/2013 20:50

YWB, then :)

(would be)

thenamestheyareachanging · 11/12/2013 20:54

I took a full time job when my second child was 18 months old. I did it for 6 months before leaving to become a sahm. I only stuck it out that long because I knew I was already pregnant. The company would not consider my request to go part time after maternity leave (gave the reason that the company didn't have sufficient staff to cover the other half of my role)...It is a very personal decision, but I wouldn't work full time again. When my ds was in school, it just felt like too long a day for him to go into childcare afterwards. He couldn't cope at all, and I only ever saw them ast weekends, which was just recovering from the mad, mad week anyway.

It is a really personal choice like I said, as to what's best for your family. I wouldn't dream of criticising anyone's choice on that. But it wouldn't be my choice, as they are only this young once and it goes so quickly.

lilyaldrin · 11/12/2013 20:55

I went full time when DS was 3, and honestly it was exhausting (for me) rather than heartbreaking. And the big bonus was that he slept really well after a full day at nursery

Personally I wouldn't ideally go full time before 2, but 3 days at nursery and 2 days with a grandparent sounds like a good balance to me.

catgirl1976 · 11/12/2013 21:07

I was working PT when DS was 5 weeks old and FT when he was 5 months.

Whilst I wouldn't go back that early if I had my time over (and a choice) it was fine. Not heartbreaking and he is now 2 and a happy, secure thing.

He wakes early so I get time with him in the mornings, time with him in the evenings and the weekends with him

It's fine, it works.

If I won the lottery I wouldn't choose to work FT I don't think, but certainly PT as I like working (and it's nice to talk to adults, go for a wee without someone asking me questions etc)

I think good childcare is very key though

FutTheShuckUp · 11/12/2013 21:09

I wonder how many dads would post threads about going to work full time being 'heartbreaking'

Inkspellme · 11/12/2013 21:12

I work in a nursery and often look after that age group. The little ones really enjoy it and get a lot of affection throughout the day.

I would be very quick to say though that whilst there is often a very warm and lovely relationship between the child and their carer nothing comes close to their relationship with their parents. so whilst its something that you haven't mentioned I would say that your dd will not make that bond with anyone else even if you do decide to work full time.

mer74 · 11/12/2013 21:19

I wonder how many dads would post threads about going to work full time being 'heartbreaking'

Hear hear!

dementedma · 11/12/2013 21:24

" they are only this young once"
They are only any age once! And in my experience as an ancient mother of 3, two of whom are now adults, they need you more when they are older. When they are little they need to be warm, fed, cleaned, cuddled and played with.any kindly person will do.
When they are older they need guidance, discipline, answers, strength, example and parenting!

Retropear · 11/12/2013 21:31

Erm fathers don't carry their babies for 9 months.

Some of these posts are horrible.

The op is obviously struggling with a really hard decision.

Many parents find it heartbreaking to leave their babies,I know my sister did.Many have to leave their children and don't want to,it's natural to find it hard and look at alternatives,to ask for support.

The get a grip attitude in some posts is frankly really unpleasant.It's great you didn't find it heartbreaking,many do,not sure what the point of pretending that isn't so is.

junkfoodaddict · 11/12/2013 21:36

I work full time (Monday - Friday; out of the house at 7am and not back until 6pm). My 2 year old DS has grandma for two days in our own home and attends a CM for three days. We have had this arrangement since he was 8 months old. My boy is a very happy, well-adjusted, confident, spirited little thing!
The first year was incredibly difficult - lots of tears FROM ME! Now, it is part of our life; our routine. My DS has a good relationship with us his parents, his CM, his grandparents - both sides as well as many, many friends which has greatly helped his social skills.
Like everything, there are advantages and disadvantages. You need to weigh them all up and do what you think is best for ALL of you. But so bear in mind that your LO will be attending school 5 times a week in the not-so-distant-future, as it is!

PansOnFire · 11/12/2013 21:46

I don't see how comparing a mother working full time to the way a father would feel is helpful - OP is a mother and this is how she feels??

I work full time, I am heartbroken I don't really care who thinks this is unreasonable or not its how I feel. My DS is not heartbroken, neither are my mum, MIL or SIL who look after him between them whilst I'm at work. DS loves going to them whilst I work and they take him to lots of different groups so I know he'd be the same if he was going to nursery or a childminder. The thought is worse than the reality; its exhausting of course but no more exhausting than looking after a little one all day - just ask any SAHM who used to work.

You are doing this for the right reasons, you will eventually want to be back in the same field of work and if you don't act now you wont be able to. In the long term its the best thing to do and some days this will feel like the best decision you ever made and other days it will feel like the worst. Just keep reminding yourself of the reasons you have for doing it and you will get used to it.

LynetteScavo · 11/12/2013 21:59

OP, you have made the mistake of posting in AIBU.

Some of the posts here are really unkind.

Please tell me it's not as bad as it feels it would be at the moment?

I think some posters missed this last sentence in the OP.

lemonmuffin · 11/12/2013 22:12

'When they are little they need to be warm, fed, cleaned, cuddled and played with.any kindly person will do.'

Any kindly person?! so the baby's mother is just the same as 'any other kindly person'?

you really, honestly believe that, and you've come onto a parenting website to tell us all that?

Retropear · 11/12/2013 22:15

"Any kindly person"

I despair,I really do.

Insulting to parents,insulting to children and quite frankly insulting to childcare providers.

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