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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About character-emblazoned clothes?

186 replies

CrazyThursday · 10/12/2013 21:10

Disclaimer: no offence to those who like character clothes

DM asked me what DD would like for Xmas so I provided a list (to the other gp's too).

DM ignored list and texted to say she'd seen a "lovely" coat with a cartoon character on whixh she was going to get for DD. We have previously discussed how we both dislike character clothes and how I would never buy them for DD whilst she's little enough to wear what I put her in (she's 2). I texted DM back saying "hmmm really not a fan of character stuff, though I've seen a nice plain coat that would be nice instead, or failing that something from the list". The text back was "well I've bought it now".

She phoned the next day and said "if you really hate it I guess I'll put it on eBay but I though dd would love it". I said "I'm sure dd would like it but I'm afraid I can't stand the stuff which we'd both joked about in the past and until she asks to wear that kind if thing I plan to avoid it". This was last week.

Today DM and I were on the phone and she said "that coat is so cute, I'm so sure DD will love it. I think I'm going to keep it here and she can wear it on the days that I have her, she can start a CHARACTER NAME rebellion".

AIBU to be really riled by this? DM has undermined me on a few DD related things and I rarely say anything because it has, in the past, led to almighty rows and I'm slowly learning to pick my battles. In the great scheme of things it doesn't matter what DD wears, it's more my mum's attitude of "I don't care whether you like it or not". And what else would she be doing on the days that she has DD that I might not like??? Will she use that time she has with DD to get one up on mummy?

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 11/12/2013 14:27

If someone buys clothes for my DC that I'm not keen on I smile and say thankyou. Then it goes in the back of the cupboard to be worn when they are likely to get their clothes wrecked or given to a homeless charity.

Of course if I want to buy anything for DN I check with SIL first as we have very different tastes [polishes halo and aunt of the year award]

MinesAPintOfTea · 11/12/2013 14:33

FiL's DP bought DS a coat I didn't particularly like. So that's his nursery coat, kept in his nursery bag because I'm too dopey to remember to grab it when I get him out of the car and gets horrible and sticky.

The A&E thing is different, maybe they thought you couldn't get there and it would just make you stressed...

perlona · 11/12/2013 15:39

It can be offensive and irritating when people ignore your views regarding what's suitable for your child so your annoyance is understandable.

In saying that, character emblazoned clothes aren't going to have any kind of negative effect on your daughter, they're just not to your personal taste, it's unfair to expect other people to buy only things that you personally like the look of, they're not buying for you but for your daughter, they want HER to like it because it's about her, not you. It's such a silly, superficial thing to pick over and yabu. What's wrong with letting your daughter decide what she likes?

lastnightopenedmyeyes · 11/12/2013 16:02

Surprised at the people saying OP isn't letting her DD choose what to wear. If you read the OP she says that UNTIL her DD is old enough to make her own decisions, she'd rather avoid character clothes. I'm paraphrasing but it is quite clear. And fair enough, and something she's been clear about with her mum.

Just sayin' Wink

Lambzig · 11/12/2013 16:06

Why is it snobbery? I just dont my child to wear them. That doesn't mean I think I am better than someone whose child does wear them or make judgements. Its a personal value and preference. We all have them.

Bunbaker, of course I dont let my children decide what they will wear (otherwise DD would be naked all the time, even in winter and DS would never take off his pyjamas), eat junk food or get away with bad behaviour. I am the grown up, they are the children. I dont think its my principles, I think its my decision as a parent and how me and DH want to bring them up.

AdmiralData · 11/12/2013 16:13

YANBU OP.

Your DM had her chance to bring up children her own way. She is being extremely rude by not accepting that you don't want your DC to wear the clothes you want her to wear. I am currently having similar problems with my parents so understand how awkward it can be.

Your child, your rules.
I suggest laying down the law.

AdmiralData · 11/12/2013 16:13

Correction, the clothes your dm wants her to wear.

Bunbaker · 11/12/2013 20:30

All I can say is wait until your children are teenagers Grin

AdventColander · 11/12/2013 21:03

I used to feel the same as you, I would have preferred them to wear handwoven organic tweed! But now I've got 2 DDs aged 9 and 6 I've given in on the basis they've got all the rest of their lives to be tasteful, let them have a bit of fun while they're still little. DD1 at 9 has already outgrown the pink princess phase. it won't last, she will be mooching in the shopping centre before I know it and wanting to dye her hair purple! Basically don't worry, its just a coat!

UpsideRaspberryAround · 11/12/2013 21:08

Free clothes are free clothes in this house, hand me downs, tracksuit, the lot. And my children beauty means their clothes are barely noticeable in its shade :-)

Sirzy · 11/12/2013 21:11

I don't understand why some parents make such an issue about clothes, especially ones which they are given for free.

As long as the clothes DS is wearing are weather suitable then if he wants to pick strange combinations, or wear things he has been given which i am not keen on then fine. He is wearing it not me. If he wants to go to Asda dressed as tree-fu tom then why not? There is only so long in life people thing its cute not odd so let him enjoy it while he can!

VikingLady · 11/12/2013 22:59

But it's not really about the coat, is it? The coat is a symptom, not the cause (if that makes sense). It sounds like Op doesn't feel she can trust her mother with DD, that she feels her mother will not respect her in her role as mother but will try and take over, sees herself as matriarch and in charge of the whole relationship.

It could have been about food, activities, taking over buying toys Op has said she doesn't want....

That's how I read Op's meaning, anyway. I could be wrong.

sykadelic15 · 11/12/2013 23:43

Your question was "AIBU to be really riled by this?" but went on, not to talk about the coat, but about your DM has undermining you on related things. It's about your concerns about undermining you on "bigger" issues in the future and what sort of impact this would have on your relationship with your daughter in the future.

If it was just about a coat, which it's not, then yes you would be BU. As it's NOT about the coat but rather about how it's yet another example of your mother undermining you, YANBU.

I share your concern about the future. About if you tell your daughter "no" about something, your DM having no qualms about saying "you can do/get it at my house, we just won't tell your mum".

Your mother is trying to "parent" your daughter and I have to ask, have you ever told her what you expect from her? After all, she HAS been a mother and probably feels she knows what's good. You mentioned that you've had "almighty rows" and I'm curious about what? HAVE you mentioned that you're the parent and what you say goes? Have you seriously sat her down and told her: "when I tell you something in regards to DD, you need to do what I say. I'm not talking micro-manage but if I tell you no red vegetables, however stupid you think that is, you need to do what I tell you. When she asks you for something or about something and I'm not around, you need to tell her that you'll ask me, or ask her if she's asked me. I love you, you're my mother, but you're not DD's mother. Just like you wouldn't have appreciated people going against your wishes with me, I don't appreciate it with DD. I know you mean well but I need to be able to trust you when she's with you. I know she won't be hurt with you, I know she's safe, but I need to trust that YOU trust ME as a parent."

If you don't deal with it now, it will get worse when she's an unruly teen.

Ninasaurus · 11/12/2013 23:54

Yabu

I don't understand.

Will dd like the coat or is she anti-characters too? Confused

SinisterBuggyMonth · 12/12/2013 02:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 12/12/2013 07:10

Well if the op has such a problem with her mum "interfering" as some people are auggesting then she better find alternative childcare hadn't she!

lastnightopenedmyeyes · 12/12/2013 08:18

So helping with child are gives a person the right to interfere then? Confused

lastnightopenedmyeyes · 12/12/2013 08:20

*childcare Confused

I think I'm seeing this differently because I have the experience of a very domineering mother. She does help regularly with childcare because I do want my DS to have a relationship with his grandparents but that doesn't mean I just accept anything she throws at me. Also I do pay my parents for their time so I'm not taking advantage.

Sirzy · 12/12/2013 08:28

No but if you don't want someone being involved in your child's life in the sense of getting upset at the idea of which coat they will put on them then don't let them look after your child. You can't have it both ways.

I still can't see how a coat is classed as interference though!

lastnightopenedmyeyes · 12/12/2013 08:46

What I'm saying is, I think it goes a lot deeper than the coat. Wink

mewmeow · 12/12/2013 08:46

Doesn't really matter whether you like it or not seeing as its for your dd Hmm
Kids tend to like stuff with characters on them, let them be young ffs.

The a&e trip is a different thing, but I still think they did the right thing to take her. It would be irresponsible not to given the situation, but granted they should have rang/text you.

lastnightopenedmyeyes · 12/12/2013 08:57

It doesn't matter that you don't like how your 2 year old is dressed?!!! Wow.

Sirzy · 12/12/2013 09:01

And like I said if it does go deeper than that then don't leave your child in her care.

And last seriously why does it matter if you like how your 2 year old is dressed? What is going to happen if she wears a coat you don't like?

EmmelineGoulden · 12/12/2013 09:10

Character clothing isn't about a coat you don't like, it's about comsumer culture and the extent to which you want your child exposed to and encouraged to participate in a commercialized idea of self.

lastnightopenedmyeyes · 12/12/2013 09:22

I don't think it's that bizarre to take pride in how your small child is dressed, and to have preferences.

My DS is 3.5 and he loves to wear Spider-Man, lightning McQueen etc clothes and I do buy them for him. Not my favourite items of clothing but I accept he loves them and that makes me happy.

But I would draw the line at some items, some things I see in the shops just do not appeal. A personal one for me is grey sweat pants and hoodies, and those puffer jackets that look like they are made out of bin bags. I guess I like my small child to look like a small child, not a teen. I wouldn't buy them for DS, and I wouldn't let him wear one while he is still small and I still have that say in what he wears. I accept it won't last forever.

Same as when I have my DD in January, I won't be dressing her in mini skirts and heeled shoes when she's still a toddler. My choice and taste. My child, and my right to dress her how I prefer.

My mother knows all of the above and if she did like the OP's mum and just bought one of the above items after having had that conversation, I would be a bit irritated.

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