Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

[Beth9009]

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

Op you have NOTHING to prove to the ex.

I don't think she has any right to look down at me

You are nobody in this, you have to get used to that. Whether she does or doesn't 'look down on you' is immaterial - she probably sees what you refuse to see, that you are nobody. You are marrying this boy's dad, which puts you in the boy's orbit possibly 4 days per month with a few in between. That's it.

You may develop a relationship with your husband's son over time if you hadn't gushed at him making him your best bud but there is no guarantee either way. For now you are a walk-on part and you must get used to that.

"She sees me as just some woman......etc"

How do you know this? How can you possibly tell WHAT she sees you as?

Sorry but you sound younger and sillier with every post.

tinker

I understand your perspective. And I agree that the opposite of what the OP is doing would be terrible.

right I'm bowing out now beth good luck.

You are just some woman. If you'd kept back, she may have respected you. As it is, she is putting you in your place (where you belong)

Your 19:43 post came over very "She thinks she's so PERFECT and she ain't all that"

How does your DF feel about all this? Where is he when his son is visiting? If there's a certain number of days/nights your DSS spends with you perhaps his mum is concerned that that period of time should be with his father, not somebody else however close?

I feel for you too OP. Your fiancée is pitting the two of you against each other. He isn't being fair on either of you. I am not surprised his ex was angry with regards the rugby weekend. He was supposed to be looking after their child and he devolved that responsibility on to you. That isn't being fair on his son either. And it isn't being civil.

I don't understand this.

I have three children with my ex. I was over the moon when their step mum (before they married) wanted to build her relationship with them.

My children now think of her as a mother figure. I love it, I have not once been jealous or found it a threat. The more people to love and who loves them the better.

OP you sound great and his mother should be nothing but happy that you are building a relationship with her son.

scallops

I was thinking that too. This:

"My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son"

seems a bit inflammatory of him

When I was younger than 25 and before I had children, I was with an older man who had two young girls who would fly over to visit every month or so.

I used to offer to not come and stay over when they visited so he could have his time with them.

When my boyfriend asked me if I could collect them from the airport one day as he had to work I phoned the mum just to make sure she was going to be happy with that and assured her that I'd understand if she wasn't. I also asked if there was any special sort of bed time routine in case boyfriend got delayed and gave her my mobile number saying she could call for any reason at all.

Why? Because they were her little girls. I had never been alone with them before, and for all she knew I could be some incompetent idiot and I believed she had a right to know who was going to be in charge of her children even if it was only for four or five hours.

I may not have had to do that as their dad obviously had the right to decide I was capable, but it seemed like the right thing to do, and it was appreciated.

You will get respect by being respectful. Be polite and don't try to assert your position as a mother figure when it hasn't been called for.

Otherwise you risk being seen as quite arrogant and presumptuous and that is going to cause a lot of needless friction.

I don't think there is a "disgusting insinuation" that the OP is a paedophile. However, it definitely was worth mentioning the effect which indulgenc, by an only slightly older woman, could very likrly have on a 15 yo (particularly if she sees him without Dull Old Dad, and if the boy's mother treats the young woman as though she won't last, ignoring her and so on...)

The thing is, on the one hand you say you will have a mother figure status in his life, and on the other, you say he's old enough to decide whether to tell his mother he's spending the night with his dad, or with you.

You can't have it both ways. Either he's almost an adult and doesn't need anyone in a parental relationship with him, or he's a kid young enough for a step-parent to assume a maternal role. If the latter, then you have to show his mother respect and accept she has every right to know who is caring for her child overnight, because she's primary carer. If the former, you have to accept that you'll only ever be the woman married to his father, not a parent figure. You're demanding respect as a mother figure in his life while refusing to accept the actual mother should have some from you - that's a little inconsistent, to say the least.

He is his mother's child. She carried him, birthed him, changed his nappies, soothed his nightmares and raised him. You didn't. I'm sorry, but I am really uncomfortable with your posts because you aren't actually looking at this from a position of concern for his best interests, which would definitely include the adults in his life not being at daggers drawn. Your job is to take a step back and facilitate good relationships with everyone. It's lovely that you want the rugby thing, but how about you ask his mum out for lunch and ask what ground rules she'd like going forward, as obviously your relationship with his dad means you're going to be about a lot?

A word of warning. Set yourself up in competition with a boy's mum, and you will inevitably lose in the long run. That isn't a situation you want to arise, so please, have some respect for boundaries and for taking things slowly here. He's her son, not yours. You can be a positive responsible adult in his life but he's far too old for you to ever be a mother figure now. Marrying someone's father doesn't do that - what if a 25 year old married a 60 year old? Would they be a mother figure to a 40 year old stepchild? The legal title doesn't define the emotional relationship.

I think maybe you could read some books on step-parenting, as it's such a tricky one and you're not being nasty, just a bit enmeshed, I think. Sometimes it helps to see your situation as a more detached observer, and reading about others helps do that - for me, anyway. I also agree that posting on those designated threads here on MN would be really helpful, as it's such an emotive topic and fellow posters there would be in the trenches with you, as opposed to coming at it from all sorts of other angles.

Good luck.

springyticktack
___

I am not a 'nobody' or a walk-in-part in this situation. How dare you say that. I see my fiance's son more than just 3 or 4 days a month..it's usually two weekends a month and he's always coming round to the house on weekdays because his friends live nearby. Our house is practically his joint-home.

Op you're are not nothing. You're just as valid as everyone else. Don't let certain people tell you as a stepmum that you come last in the equation. In your family unit you certainly come before the ex. I am also bowing out now as some of the seriously twisted responses you have had have made me feel very depressed.

Head on over to step parenting if you want some advice from people who have been where you are - not me necessarily as my dss is much younger than yours but there are some very knowledgeable experienced and lovely posters who won't tell you you're grooming dss and that you should be placating the ex despite her being unreasonable.

springy

"You are nobody", "you are just some woman" etc.

Look, I agree with you that OP is being too pushy, but have a bit more respect for people. Those are very nasty comments and I don't really see how they are constructive. Trying to make the OP feel like s* isn't going to make her want to empathise with the mother. All you are doing is trying to upset someone, and it sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder.

OP, What do you think would be in your DPs sons best interests?

The mature thing to do would be to step back and be the bigger person. Smile, nod and think long term. Think what you like in your head but try and do whatever it takes to make things work for your DPs son. If you don't want to do this for him then do it for your DP.

You have commented that your DP deserves a medal for how civil he is to his ex? Doesn't this tell you something. He is doing this for his son.

Do you really want to be at war with this woman for everymore. She will probably never like you but with time you may develop a better relationship with her.

You sound like you have good intentions but you are going about this in a bit of a disney step parent role. its great that you can do all these fun things, but his mum has to be a parent. she has to do all the hard slog with him, maybe if his dad isnt around when contact is happening she would like to spend time with her son doing something fun.

I freely admit and have said many times that i am harsh on step-parents. this comes from my dad having a long parade of various revolving girlfriends. I honestly think there are times when parents need to put children first and not bring extra adults into their lives. Having said that if there was some great disaster and i had to chose only one parent to save it would be my step dad every time, I really have seen the best and worst step parents out there.

I can see that you are doing what you think is right, but you really need to take a step back. I would have no worries about your intentions to my son if i were his mother, but I would worry about the way it would be interpreted by a 15 year old adolescent. he is not quite a child or a man, he is going through massive changes and his feelings about you ma be incredibly conflicted. How many of us had a crush on a teacher that showed us a tiny bit of attention? those teachers we all fancied were probably all around your age. you need to step right back, he may already have developed feelings for you, It is quite an un-natural relationship that is building up, you are not a relative, nor a long term friend of the family and you turn up and show a massive interest in him just when he is increasingly sexually aware.

By the way, I agree with people saying it's lovely you are so concerned with making him feel welcome and including him in your family life. That's really generous and open hearted and I think it should be acknowledged and respected. It's just that smoothing over relations with his mum is really, really in his best interests, too.

In all fairness at the moment to his mother,you are a nobody.

Carry on as you started,stop and change the rush rush thing you've strayed to go back a bit

Chances are in the future you are all fair more likely to value each other and respect everybody's relationship with ds and it won't be stressful.

You're marrying into a family. If you are a decent person this means you consider the family dynamics as well as yourself. You are not doing this currently.

It will NEVER be in the sons best interests for you to undermine his mother. Stop it now, whatever you think of her.

To be absolutely honest, I'm not surprised she looks down on you, given how immaturely you're acting. Best thing would be to draw a line under it, and show her that you are willing to accept she has authority over her son, along with your fiancé.

But whatever you do, please consider the ramifications of your actions and stop with the stupid tit for tat.

Oh grow up, OP.

Hear hear perfectstorm

Okay, so I am trying to accept as much advice here as possible, and lots of it suggests I should back off and accept his mum's authority. But how does this work in practice?

If he texts me to say he would like me to pick him up from rugby practice or whatever while his mum is at work and his dad isn't around, am I supposed to phone her to check if it's okay? Tell him no because I don't want to upset his mum? What if his dad is away with work again and he wants to come round to the house for whatever reason? Tell him to go away?

None of this is realistic. I am in his life and that is not going to change.