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Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 19:31

Beth

Obviously you don't like her and you may or may not have a point. But it helps no-one to see this in the competitive way you do.

SatinSandals · 06/12/2013 19:32

You were not to know OP that any question of step parenting opens a bag of worms as people project their own situation. There is really no point in asking for advice on here-it doesn't matter who you are, how nice you are, you are going to be a step parent and in the wrong. You are in the wrong if you are too distant and in the wrong if you get too friendly. The mother would rather you didn't exist.
In this case it doesn't matter, he isn't 5 yrs -with a whole childhood of contact time-he is 15 yrs and in less than 36 months an adult and he doesn't need to be treated like a package with contact time-he can come and go as he likes-and can do so for the rest of your lives.
Smile, nod and fit in.

pluCaChange · 06/12/2013 19:32

beth, what about taking the "step" relationship out of it and considering how you would feel if your MIL was recklessly indulgent of your child, including secret treats which might undermine rules you're trying to hold to at home. Wouldn't you worry about your authority, worry that you are always the "bad cop", worry about your child's concentration on schoolwork if weekends are so exciting?

Original poster
Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 19:33

MonkeysInTheFog

Ah so because she had an affair, she should accept that you're better at mothering her son. Right.

_-

No, but I think she has no right to look down on me, which she obviously does.

OP posts:
SatinSandals · 06/12/2013 19:34

The big turning point was when dh learnt to drive which he did

Good point-even less likely to have to be treated like a package.

JumpingJackSprat · 06/12/2013 19:35

Go read the thread. The disguting insinuations that the op is some kind of paedophile are there for everyone to see.

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 19:35

Can you explain how she looks down on you?

haveyourselfashandy · 06/12/2013 19:35

Hi Beth,I really understand where you are coming from,it IS important that you have a good relationship with this young man,you are going to be marrying his father and maybe have children with him,it's important that this boy feels like an important part of your future family unit.However,once you have your own children you will understand what these posters here have said to you.She is a lioness protecting her cub!He doesn't need another mother figure in his life just calm, down.You could try reaching out to his mum,let her know you think she's done a fantastic job raising her son and just maybe,she might warm to you.You need this lady on your side,she's his mum.

MadBusLady · 06/12/2013 19:36

Look, projection fanciers, I don't have any children, step or otherwise, and I still think OP needs to tone it down and step out of the drama, if only for the sake of a harmonious future family life.

And incidentally same advice applies even if the ex actually is a psycho bitch from hell. Those are the last people you want to antagonize.

wannaBe · 06/12/2013 19:36

"it's not about you." interestingly, it's not about the mother either - it should be about the child. But interesting how it's the mother's feelings should be the one considered here - what about the child here? Everyone seems to have lost sight of what he might want.

No a child may not need another mother but a child can never have enough positive role models in their life.

Perhaps the op is trying too hard to win over this child - or perhaps they just get on. whether the mother likes it or not, the op is in this boy's life for the long-hall.

Is it any wonder that ex wives have such a bad name given some of the attitudes on this thread. "you are just some woman who is in his father's life." Hmm

Oh and I am an ex wife, not a stepmum fwiw. But if I reacted like that towards my ex' dp I could well understand that she might not think that much of me. And don't think that kind of resentment goes unnoticed by the children either.

But as I said upthread, presumably none of those commenting are divorced and if so will never have a new partner because if so he will just be some bloke who's in their child's father's life.... Hmm

MonkeysInTheFog · 06/12/2013 19:36

You obviously look down on her.

SatinSandals · 06/12/2013 19:37

You have a relationship with and will be married to his dad, that's ALL.

This is rubbish. If I was to marry again the man would be part of the family and I wouldn't marry him if he wasn't going to have a relationship with my children and his parents, aunts, cousins etc were not going to welcome my children. I do not come alone!

MiracleOntheM4 · 06/12/2013 19:37

I don't think she is 'looking down on you' from what you have described. You need to take on her perspective for a moment.

Why her relationship ended with your DF is also irrelevant - and I'd be wary of considering it so. Nobody knows what truly happens between two people.

ANormalOne · 06/12/2013 19:38

Oh look another one of those thread where the majority of people tell the OP they are being unreasonable and the OP will NOT accept it. Clearly you're only interested in getting people to agree with you, so what's the point of even posting here?

mintberry · 06/12/2013 19:38

"She has made no effort with me"

But, to be blunt, she doesn't owe you anything. You're the one who needs to prove that you are responsible to her, not the other way around. If you had a child, and you felt some other woman was sniffing around him and trying to replace you, you would be guarded too. I'm not saying that's what you're trying to do, but that is how it comes across to her.

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/12/2013 19:39

Fwiw

Op I think you started on really very good considerate foundations.

Relationship with dad for 3 years before you started becoming really involved with his ds.
Not jumping in.

I admire that greatly.

Florin · 06/12/2013 19:40

Oops accidentally pressed send while trying to edit so all a bit of a mess excuse my spelling mistakes etc. Anyway more of my ramblings!
When dh learnt to drive he got his freedom, no set access day we could see them when we wanted and sometimes without his Mum knowing to cut down on the arguments! So I would say start saving for driving lessons it makes a major difference.
Be his friend and having a joint sporting interest is great (we also so with fil and step mil) it really brings us very close together as it is something we are all very passionate about it.
The other thing is they have never put pressure on us to see them on birthdays/Christmas/Father's Day however they make it clear we are always welcome. This has made a massive difference as we are always being pressurised to see my mil and also my parents that it becomes a bit of a chore whereas seeing fil and step mil is just really nice and relaxed.
Personally at 15 I would make if clear you are always happy to listen if he wants to discuss something but I wouldn't try to parent he will have enough of that from his Mum just try and be a friend.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 06/12/2013 19:41

As Miracle says, be very careful about thinking you know all about the end of their relationship because of what he has told you. The outside of relationships always look very different to the inside. He's hardly going to say, "I was a total wanker, then she had an affair" is he?

Anyway, I think you aren't hearing the good advice because you are feeling defensive and angry. Maybe reread when you are calmer and have some Cake

MadBusLady · 06/12/2013 19:42

Good point, sock.

Maybe the whole wedding thing has just made everyone in this situation a little bit crazy. Wouldn't be the first time.

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/12/2013 19:42

Rubbish Satin. I was quite content for my ds to spend time with the two different partners that my ex got together with.
He's now 18 and his dad has just remarried, ds was best man.
No jealousy at all, we broke up for a reason. Ds really likes his Dad's partner, if he wants to call her stepmother it's up to him but he's a bit too old for that.
The difference is she hasn't tried to mother him or be his best friend, she's just accepted him as my ex's son.

JumpingJackSprat · 06/12/2013 19:43

Some step mothers are bad and some are good. As soon as you start a thread anywhere other than step parenting you must be a bad one, and you get idiots piping up to tell you that you should put the ex first and foremost in everything you do so she doesn't get upset. Fuck that. The children come first, not the mother. She should be grateful you're making such an effort to get to know THEIR son. You have tried with her, she isn't interested is her loss. How long should you prostate yourself before her, begging for her approval before you decide to just get on with it and build a relationship with the child?

SatinSandals · 06/12/2013 19:43

Relationship with dad for 3 years before you started becoming really involved with his ds.
Not jumping in.

It was great. Just continue like that. You don't need the short fix, go for the long view and bide your time. Mother's can't go telling 20 somethings who they can spend time with or not.

Original poster
Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 19:43

NewtRipley

Can you explain how she looks down on you?
_

She sees me as just some woman who is being allowed to stay at her ex-husbands house. Just some passing girlfriend, when I am not. She seems to think that I shouldn't be at the house when her son is staying over, and that I am just someone on the outside. She is also quite stuck up in general and I think she sees me as bad influence on her son because I am only young, and she is so mature and perfect, even though she isn't.

OP posts:
tinkertaylor1 · 06/12/2013 19:44

newt I've been a step child to a complete arsehole step mother, who never tried.

It was extremely uncomfortable at first as it was clear I wasn't wanted in the house. There was not one single picture of me in the house, yet the walls were covered with my half brothers, and it created a divide. One that is still evident today 30 years on.

My DM hated her simply because she was with my dad and they would both send barbed messaged to each other through me.

This is a young woman who is albeit eager to be apart of this already made family - as she will be when they marry. Yes she may be a little over enthusiastic and it needs reigning in but the comments of some of the 'women' on here are disgusting, bordering on calling her a paedophile.

If she turned round and said ..'I'm with a guy and I don't like his kid, don't want him in the house and I don't want to spend anytime with him' there would be uproar.

SatinSandals · 06/12/2013 19:44

I think that you will have to stop being antagonistic too, Beth. If you clearly don't like her then she is hardly likely to like you!

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