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Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:
maleview70 · 06/12/2013 20:11

Beth, ignore some of these posts....you have obviously get people's heckles up who no doubt have experienced jealousy themselves!

Her behaviour isn't great by piano doodles advice on here is the best of the lot.

I would write to her and explain that you don't want to compete with her and that you were just trying to be a good friend to her son. I would also say that you will never try to take her place and that you know that she will always be his mum and she has done a great job becuse he is a fine young man.

You may not feel like doing this as you do sound like your defences go up quite easily when pushed but believe me in the long term it may well help the situation.

My DW had a bit of the same with my ex at first but once my ex saw that she was a caring person who wasn't trying to tread in her shoes, she softened and now they get on fine.

Don't be aggressive though as that won't work.

Tweasels · 06/12/2013 20:12

OP, you sound jealous of the ex wife the way you talk about her.

Stop competing, enjoy your relationship with your fiancé and enjoy time spent with his son when he comes round.

Stop making arrangements when dad isn't there. You have good intentions but that is irrelevant if it's upsetting the family dynamic.

I would even contact the mum and apologise. Say you did it with good intentions but you now realise you were wrong, you're new to this and all the rest of it and see what she thinks. She might still dislike you but she'll have a lot more respect for you.

scottishmummy · 06/12/2013 20:14

Adults step-parent have to consider the other adult parent.that's why you need to call mum
Your posts are v much about you asserting your role and legitimacy,do you feel insecure
You'll be responsible for step-parenting and that needs good rapport and communication

Tweasels · 06/12/2013 20:14

Oh and in answer to your question about ringing her. Ask her what she would like you to do and ho along with it.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 06/12/2013 20:14

You talk to her beforehand, like grown ups. Apologise for undermining her in the past, explain you want to have a good relationship with her son and her, but in no way expect to be a mother to him, and then you set boundaries you both agree on.

Tweasels · 06/12/2013 20:15

go along with it, not ho along with it. Festive fat finger moment.

deepfriedsage · 06/12/2013 20:17

He can take the bus, walk or get a lift with a friend.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 06/12/2013 20:18

Try this phrase, "have you checked with your Mum?" Simple.

cloggal · 06/12/2013 20:18

beth - of course that isn't the case. Although I think it wouldn't do any harm to sometimes be unavailable, with your own plans. Maleview (whilst kicking half the thread under a bus) is actually right, a letter or email I'm sure would put things on an even foot. Even if she is a complete horror, you care about her son, so it is in all of your interests. It's not even about accepting her authority over you, just over her son.

You're in this for the long haul and you're acting like you need everything to happen straightaway. As sock said you did so well at the beginning! and you seem to have built a good relationship. Don't cock it up now by making this a competition, you will lose.

Coldlightofday · 06/12/2013 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deepfriedsage · 06/12/2013 20:22

I think this isn't about the ex-wife or stepson, its about you. You and your entitledness or lack of self-esteem, by the sounds of the continual comments of status and importance. I would guess it sounds like poor self esteem or lacking in empathy and only caring about self going on here.

ProfessorSong · 06/12/2013 20:23

Crikey, the OP is getting a lot of flack. Xmas Confused But then stepmums tend to get a lot of flack in this section for having the audacity to marry a man with children. Xmas Hmm

I'm 35, my DSD is 21. Is it creepy when we do things alone? Was it creepy when her dad was working nights and we would be alone in the house when she was younger? Was it creepy when I picked her up from school and brought her home when her dad was at work? No, of course not! Would it have been creepy if she was a boy? Because the OP is getting an awful lot of flack for doing things that are perfectly normal for steparents!

Original poster
Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 20:23

deepfriedsage
He can take the bus, walk or get a lift with a friend.
__

But I don't understand why. I am more than happy to do things for him like give him lifts to his rugby matches/swimming etc. By telling him no I feel like I'm letting his mother win in her petty game. If I have to spend less time with him, I feel like I should be able to tell him why. Which is that his mother doesn't like it. I don't want to have to lie and say I'm busy or that I don't want to.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 06/12/2013 20:24

If he texts me to say he would like me to pick him up from rugby practice or whatever while his mum is at work and his dad isn't around, am I supposed to phone her to check if it's okay? Tell him no because I don't want to upset his mum? What if his dad is away with work again and he wants to come round to the house for whatever reason? Tell him to go away?

No, of course not, which is why asking the mum out to lunch and asking for her input on how she wants things to work going forward, so you are supporting her and his dad on how they want to complete raising their son, might be an idea. Ask her what she thinks would work, when you can be a backup for the two of them, what ground rules she thinks are important to maintain consistency between houses. Basically, set out that you want to make sure you're abiding by her and your fiance's wishes in implementing the rules they have worked out over the years, and that he's such a great young man and you want to make sure your presence in his life is nothing but helpful.

The best - the BEST - thing for him is for all the adults to get along to at least a basic extent. Who's in the right is an irrelevance to that being the essential outcome, I think.

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 20:25

Professor

But the issue (for those who are mentioning it is precisely that - he is a boy.

moldingsunbeams · 06/12/2013 20:26

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maybe83 · 06/12/2013 20:26

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Coldlightofday · 06/12/2013 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 20:26

Professor

... BTW. I don't know whether I agree or not. My own eldest son is 13 so I'm reading with interest

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 06/12/2013 20:26

I think you're seeing this as a competition, and you're outraged because all the advice on here seems to suggest you should be doing all the giving and she all the taking.

But is isn't about either of you. It's about the child, and what is in his best interests. And it is in his best interests to have consistent parenting which is backed up by the important adults in his life. That does mean the parents make the decisions and you have to go along with them, pretty much. That's what makes step parenting so difficult. But the only other option is for him to have warring parents undermining each other, and that is a dreadful way to grow up, rugby matches or no.

ProphetOfDoom · 06/12/2013 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 06/12/2013 20:28

The boy is 15 not 5, and is able to make his own decisions, however you need to back off a bit and stop trying to as others have pointed out together one up on his mother. You will never be a mother figure to him, he is nearly grown, and h already has a perfectly good mother. Just be supportive, and try to remain natural

springyticktack · 06/12/2013 20:29

I do dare say it because it's closer to the truth than you want to accept. If you are the type to use phrases like 'how dare you' then you have some way to go.

As a pp said, you seem unnervingly concerned with your status here - and that needs puncturing: your status is closer to nothing than it is to something. If you push it, you become nothing. I pity the poor mother with someone like you hovering around, making herself important: but more than anything I pity this boy. What a total fool you are being.

Find a way to unravel this. You have cooked it up to such a pitch, I doubt it's going to be easy to unravel it. If you must, absent yourself from the negotiations for the forseeable. They managed without you, they can manage without you again.

btw hate to point this out, but every other weekend is 4 days a month of core time - which, anyway, a boy needs to be spending a goodly time of that with his father. Just bringing it down to size for you. You barely feature, and yet you have given yourself the main part. No wonder his mother 'dragged' her son out of your clutches house.

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 20:30

I think the picking up from rugby thing is an interesting one, and worth discussing, because apart from anything else, his parents may feel he needs to develop more independence and not be asking for lifts. I don't know if this is the case or not

Chippednailvarnish · 06/12/2013 20:32

I think this isn't about the ex-wife or stepson, its about you. You and your entitledness or lack of self-esteem, by the sounds of the continual comments of status and importance. I would guess it sounds like poor self esteem or lacking in empathy and only caring about self going on here

I couldn't agree more, throughout this entire thread you have constantly brought up how you are more than "just" a girlfriend.
It all screams insecurity, rather than any genuine concern for the child in the middle.

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