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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:
mintberry · 06/12/2013 19:15

The mum does sound a bit unreasonable, perhaps she just needs time. I would be a bit worried about calling/meeting her in person if I were you in case she blew her top, so maybe if you sent her an email trying to iron things out? But do not be confrontational, and don't use mother/mum referring to yourself or she will never accept you.

I know your intentions are good, but trying to be a mother figure comes across very very badly. I have a step-son, and originally I thought like you, but literally, the moment I started even thinking about TTC my own a light bulb clicked on about how out of order it is. Please try and understand that the mother/child relationship is REALLY important to people, and you mustn't try and lightly assume someone else's child as your own. This is why it might seem like a lot of people on this board are being harsh to you, because it touches a raw nerve.

15 is too old to find a 'mother figure' in someone else anyway, think about it, would you have taken someone on as a mother figure when you were 15? He will be grown up (in theory Wink) in a few years!

pinkdelight · 06/12/2013 19:16

Ruddy phone! Let things take their natural course. When your partners away, see your friends.

cloggal · 06/12/2013 19:16

X posted - Beth, his mum isn't interfering, she is being a mum, and you don't deserve trust, you earn it.

I still think you're well meaning and you're getting a bit of a hard time but posts like that don't make you sound like you're putting the boy's interests at heart.

Have a cup of tea with the woman whose son you are so keen to get to know - least you can do.

BenNJerry · 06/12/2013 19:17

Erm... my mum remarried at 15 and I consider this man my stepfather and father figure. Maybe it's a different situation because my real father isn't in my life? I don't know. He has always treated me like a daughter and I don't see the problem with that. Confused

EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip · 06/12/2013 19:17

If god forbid DH and I ever divorced I would not take kindly to any woman telling me that they were going to be a mother figure of any sort to my son (whether they - the mother- like it or not, as you put it).

It's great that you want to have a good relationship with your partners son but you need to back off and set some boundaries. I too am closer to my step daughters in age than my husband and I accept that this means I will never be a 'step mother' figure to them, nor would I want to be.

Respect is a two way street! You think you are entitled to respect and so is she. Imagine yourself in her position.

BenNJerry · 06/12/2013 19:18

*Sorry, should say my mum remarried when I was 15!

pinkdelight · 06/12/2013 19:19

Erm yeah, that would make all the difference not having your real father in your life.

MiracleOntheM4 · 06/12/2013 19:19

Are you and your DF planning one having children OP? I wonder whether you will see this whole situation in a different light if and when you have children of your own. It will certainly bring home the stark difference between being someone's ex and someone's Mother.

SatinSandals · 06/12/2013 19:19

You will be his step mother in name but you'll never be his mum.
You do seem to be going into this like a bull in a china shop

I thought the whole point was that she was never, and has no intention of, being his mum. She is however going to have a relationship with him for life, go to his wedding, be step grandmother etc etc
The mother isn't going to like it, whoever his father marries.
The positive point is that in less than 3 years he is an adult and so perfectly free to make his own arrangements and not have to bother as to whether his father is present on all occasions.
Smile, nod and agree and just let time take care of it all.

IThoughtThat · 06/12/2013 19:20

OP, it's great that you get on well with your DPs son but I think it would be better if you backed off a little and were less concerned with your 'right' to have a relationship with him. The best thing for your DPs son is for ALL the people in his life to be supportive and free of drama. It is in HIS interests if you don't upset his Mum. If you think about this long term I am sure you can slowly try to win her acceptance. Of course, you shouldn't have to but, if you are thinking of your DH's son,you have to admit that it would be much nicer for him if everyone got along.

Statements about wanting to be a mother figure and about thinking that you 'deserve respect and trust' once you marry your DP are immature. As is the way that you talk about the mother of your DHs son.

You need to play this clever and think long term as to what is best for your DHs son.

wannaBe · 06/12/2013 19:23

owllady I may wonder why ex had gone away and not just let ds come back home to me, but equally I may consider that perhaps there were things at his other home that were keeping ds there. Better computer/games consoles, maybe even siblings if there were any at the other house (there aren't but ykwim).

Becoming hysterical and going round there to drag ds home because his father wasn't there and only his dp was would say more about me than her IMO. Just because I'd only met her a couple of times doesn't mean that she is untrustworthy or planning to groom my child ffs. XH presumably trusts her enough to allow ds to stay with and look after my child, and ds presumably has a good enough relationship with her to feel comfortable doing that.

And as parents you also need to think about it from the other side. If my ex started dictating who my ds spend time with when with me I would tell him in no uncertain terms to do one. The parents are separated. Unless there is abuse or neglect involved and the child is at actual risk, the absent (for that time) parent has no right to dictate what the child does in the other parent's contact time.

springyticktack · 06/12/2013 19:23

Back off, lady. YOur behaviour is waaaaaay out of order.

yes, you are 'some woman who lives with his dad' and time you got used to that Even when you are married, you are 'some woman' who has tipped up in this boy's life, someone he didn't know from Adam until a year ago. Step right, right back. You have no place in this, stop interfering. He is 15 ffs, don't be stupid. HIs mother is being sensible. You, very clearly, are not.

As for seeing yourself as a mother figure - dear God, you are not and never will be a 'mother' figure. He has a perfectly good mother, by the sound of it. One who looks out for his welfare, unlike you.

As for If the df had a fifteen year old daughter who she was spending time with, taking shopping etc would the responsc' ses be the same? - YES. A needy dad's wife can do the same number of an impressionable teen of either sex (though a boy is just asking for trouble).

Less of the cool stepmum. Perhaps when/if you get a ds and he gets to 15, you'll understand how vulnerable he is to people like you.

tinkertaylor1 · 06/12/2013 19:24

lady where have I ever said he could speak to his DSM better because she was younger? Please do not make stuff up. He doesn't speak to his DM about issues because of other reasons. He talks to her because they get on well.

MonkeysInTheFog · 06/12/2013 19:24

BenandJerry - absolutely things can be different if your real mum/dad aren't in the picture.

I met DH when DSS was 9. Had he not had his mum in his life I would - once it became apparent DH and I were for keeps - have absolutely have aimed to be a positive mother figure in his life - as in, the next best thing to a mother.

Since he had/has a perfectly good mother of his own, we just got on with just getting on.

If someone has an adequate mother they don't need another one.

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 19:25

Ben

Yes, the difference is that your father isn't in your life

springyticktack · 06/12/2013 19:25

It's not about you is the bottom line. It has very little to do with you, if at all. You have a relationship with and will be married to his dad, that's ALL.

Monetbyhimself · 06/12/2013 19:25

Yeah OP toddle off to Step Parenting. They'll teach you all you need to know about evil Ex wives and how to foster fantastic child centered relationships on your terms. Warms the cockles of every mothers heart that forum does Hmm
Or you could stay here and try and absorb some of the experience that you very clearly lack when it comes to the intricacies of a mothers relationship with her child.

Original poster
Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 19:27

For those saying I need to consider the mother's feelings and make more of an effort with her....

She has made no effort with me. When I moved in with my fiance, she constantly ignored me whenever she dropped off her son. I tried to be nice but she always gave me the cold shoulder. Often she would be outright rude. I can try harder to get along with her, but I can't see her ever accepting me as someone she can be friendly with.

I think she has got a nerve because she is the reason their marriage broke up. She had an affair and my fiance should be commended for how civil he is with her for their son's sake.

If she cared so much about her role as a mother, she shouldn't have had an affair, should she? Sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't think she has any right to look down at me when her behavior as a mother is so questionable!

OP posts:
BenNJerry · 06/12/2013 19:28

Yeah, I have a DSS aged 8 and I wouldn't feel comfortable trying to be a mother figure to him (I am 23). I see myself as more of an auntie Wink. Just read the comments and thought maybe I was a bit old to bother with a father figure at that age!

NewtRipley · 06/12/2013 19:28

tinkertaylor

I have to say I don't think this thread is quite as attacking as you seem to see it as. There are several step mothers on here

Pagwatch · 06/12/2013 19:29

You don't deserve respect and trust.you earn them.

You are quite uninterested in the fact that you are causing problems and bad feeling by being uninterested in any one except yourself.

If you actually like this young man and love his father why can't you ratchet the situation down a bit? Lots of 'I want' in here.
You could get the relationship you claim to want by just being polite and considerate. Is that a challenge? Why are you trying to make a point all the time

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/12/2013 19:29

Wannabe,

Just a quick glance at some of the user names on here and a think back to previous posts says many if not most of us posting on this thread are either step parents or parents of children with step parents (either due to them remarrying or there ex).

You may have no conversation with your ex regarding whom what where and when but many many parents are able to co parent and converse with mutual respect for each others parental input.

MonkeysInTheFog · 06/12/2013 19:30

"The mother isn't going to like it, whoever the father marries"

How do you work that out?! The mother might have been glad to see the back of him! Of the OP wasn't so breathlessly in love with her own "cool step mum" image, and was a bit more sensible and empathic, the boys mum may well have been perfectly friendly and welcoming! Why do exes always have to be portrayed as jealous and bitter? Maybe she just doesn't like the OP!

MonkeysInTheFog · 06/12/2013 19:31

Ah so because she had an affair, she should accept that you're better at mothering her son. Right.

Florin · 06/12/2013 19:31

I kind of understand you situation as my dh has a similar family set up with similar age gap between him and step Mum however dh's df is quite a bit older. When he was 15 it was complicated as dh's Mum hated and still hates step Mum and really I can't see this changes. However my husband was wise enough to realise he just divided the two and they should never meet, only at wedding etc have they done so. Step Mum has always been incredibly welcoming and includes us but wityand we get on amazingly with her. I have been with my husband since he was a teenager so I also know her well and would count her as one of my best friends and dh regularly stays up with her until 3 in the morning putting the world to rights over a glass or two of whisky. Due to this openess we now stay with them as over 30 year olds every couple of weeks as we choose to as we love being there.
The big turning point was when dh learnt to drive which he did