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Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 07/12/2013 12:29

why are you not out doing half marathons with your fiancee and going and doing sport with him instead of his son. They are not generally things a 15 year old boy would want to be doing with a mother.

You are completely grooming that child for some reason. Not saying its sexual but theres something not right.

I bet youd be bloody delighted if he turned against her and came running into yours and his dads arms and then his dad would SEE that YOU were a better mother than his ex wife.

moldingsunbeams · 07/12/2013 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 07/12/2013 12:55

Oh dear,bye bye Glue Grin, she was no friend

Ev1lEdna · 07/12/2013 13:01

Skyadelic15 That was an excellent well thought out post and I agree with much of what you have said. OP you should read that post very carefully.

QuickQuickSloe · 07/12/2013 13:09

I think your thread title says it all. She is not jealous of your relationship because you and she will have entirely different relationships with her son. If you can't understand that, then I think you need to seriously reconsider becoming a step-mother.

1980schick · 07/12/2013 13:13

sorry i know this has moved on but i find it strange that the 15 year old be texting you at all for lifts? Why not ask his own mum or dad first, You say it as if you are his first choice.

Have to say OP it does sound as if he has a crush on you a bit and whether you realise it or not you are adding fire to the fuel by being alone with him without his own dad. To have a sleepover with a 15 year old boy i find strange, I'd wonder why he would rather sit in with you at the weekend rather than be with his friends or in his own house.

I think its good your trying to involve him but agree with others you have rather rushed in and assumed the position of step mum, pushing his mums nose out of joint. I dont think ive seen you say once you could understand her point of view at all? How would you feel if you have a son with your fiance, then break up in a few years and he gets engaged to someone else who constantly wants to be your sons best friend and invites him for sleepovers without the father?? I dont think the mum was out of order at all, You've not given her any respect so why should she give you any?

IDontDoIroning · 07/12/2013 13:48

It's possible that your relationship between you and fiancé may not work out.

She will always be his mother and you might end up another ex. Marriage does not trump giving birth and 15 years of nurture. You need to remember that.

Whilst is great you get on your primarily relationship is to his dad. Why is he texting you for lifts ?

In 6 years he might be graduating from university - who do you think has most rights to the degree ceremony tickets - when he gets married who should be on the top table ? Not you.

ll31 · 07/12/2013 13:49

Having read your further comments op I still think you are not displaying the understanding of othere people positions and the empathy you will probably need in your life. you still sound as if you see your relationship with him as a competition . I hope it goes well but would advise you to try and consider his mother's worries, imagine you were in her pposition. Until then, I suggest you stand back a bit.

HedgehogsRevenge · 07/12/2013 14:08

Go and make your own babies OP. Then you will be able to be the mother you so desperately want to be. It will also help speed up the growing up process for you. Bear in mind though that there's always the chance your DF might trade you in for a younger model in 10 years, then your dc will have a 20 yr old step mother.
Might also be worth bearing in mind that if this boy is developing feelings for you it might well signal the end of your relationship with his dad.

UptheChimney · 07/12/2013 14:19

Good lord, what an insufferable OP!

What everyone else says: you are not going to be his "other mother"

But the ing that really strikes me is the utter utter ballacks of thinking that JUST BECAUSE you're going to be a WIFE you are going to grow in importance.

Honestly, you sound like something out of Jane Austen. Remember in Pride and Prejudice how Lydia runs away with a man, who then has to be bribed to marry her? And then she tries to take precedence over her elder sisters! Jane Austen sends her up rotten, and shows how shallow she is to claim higher status simply because she's married.

And that was 200 years ago.

Read and learn, OP.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 07/12/2013 14:20

I wonder what the young lad would say if he came across this thread and read the stuff you've written about his Mother, OP.

You risk alienating him forever if any of your feelings come to light. You need to to get your head around the fact that this is is his Mother you're dismissing so casually as a bad person. She carried him, gave birth to him, raised him and helped to mold him into the young man that he is now. You should give her more credit for raising someone that you think is worth spending your time with.

The bond between them is something you can't begin to imagine - you will simply never have that relationship with him. And if he finds out how you really feel about his Mother I'm afraid that will be the end of any kind of relationship you were hoping to build with him.

If nothing else, try to remember that.

tinkertaylor1 · 07/12/2013 14:25

Cant believe the same people are still on this thread bitching and being disgusting, positively jumping up and down with glee every time the OP posts.

Yes the op did come across as immature and over enthusiastic but some of the points on here are pathetic.

Grooming, creepy, needs to put the mother first???

Ive asked people for lifts, does that make me have a crush on them. When I was fifteen, if I knew I could scav a lift of some one rather than walking or getting on the bus, your dam right I would have asked, and too the point of even taking the piss!

The step parent does not need to have a relationship with the ex or in other words kiss the ex arse so she can be round her son. The step parent is in a family unit - her,df and SDS.

maybe the son just feels comfortable around her, rather than an over baring mother and a dad who fucks off to work.

gordyslovesheep · 07/12/2013 14:25

is your name Missy OP ?

tinkertaylor1 · 07/12/2013 14:29

BINGO! and now the hunt to try and find who the op really is has started Hmm

gordyslovesheep · 07/12/2013 14:33

pmsl Missy was the step mum in Bill and Ted Grin blimey ask Santa for a sense of humour this year Grin

Heartbrokenmum73 · 07/12/2013 14:34

Ahahahahaha. Way to miss the point Tinker

Gordy - now your Dad's totally getting it on...IN YOUR ROOM!!!

(Unless I've missed the point Grin

Heartbrokenmum73 · 07/12/2013 14:34

Massive cross post!

Preciousbane · 07/12/2013 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinkertaylor1 · 07/12/2013 14:38

gordy meh! I missed the point. I take it back!

thebody · 07/12/2013 14:50

most 15 year old boys fancy any older woman as they have done it and so might possibly do it with them too.

you need to grow up op and understand that you will never ever be any sort of mother to this teenager, he's got one ski ready whose presumably only in her 30s so young too.

you seem far keener on the son than the father to be honest.

I wouldn't have wanted my young and vulnerable teen sons around a 25 year old who thinks its appropriate to be be so rude to me.

word of warning here. your fiancée is allowing you to treat his former wife and mother of his child with disrespect, this could be you in 10 years time. take care.

gordyslovesheep · 07/12/2013 14:56

I understand Tinkertaylor1 you where just in a hurry to win the Bingo prize - this weekend I believe it's a crocheted dolly toilet roll cover and a bottle of Black Tower - who wouldn't be excited to win those Grin

snowtunesgirl · 07/12/2013 15:05

Hahahaha. I was TOTALLY thinking Missy too!

tinkertaylor1 · 07/12/2013 15:06

Hee hee Grin that actually me giggle - I've been in a right shitter all day .

MamaMumra · 07/12/2013 15:12

Why not show this thread to your betrothed Grin

You sound lonely, what about friends your own age? And I'm not being bitchy. I imagine that you are hanging out with your fiancé or teenagers.

I would relax and step back.

scottishmummy · 07/12/2013 15:12

Observe carefully op the lack of regard and respect he shows mother of his child
That'll be you in a while,when you're not 25 and perky