Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

[Beth9009]

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

None of this is realistic. I am in his life and that is not going to change.

Yes, you are in his life. You have the power to seriously disrupt his life. And the more cool and self-centered you are, the more likely this will happen.

Many fifteen-year-olds are ashamed to be seen in public with a parent. I've known some who insisted on walking far behind or ahead when out shopping so they wouldn't be seen with the parent. It's a funny, quite vulnerable, cusp-age.

So you're cool. If you come between this lad and his mum, it will be worse for him, in the long run.

As he spends so much time at your 'joint home', do you know if he's getting his homework done? What do you know anything about his courseload, what GCSEs he's doing, which A-levels he hopes to take?

You're not 'nothing' but at best you're third in his life. If he's close to his grandparents or other relatives who've known him all his life, then realistically, you should come sixth or seventh or some such.

The worst you can do for this kid is to be a cool disney-stepmum. It's terribly destructive.

You didn't answer the question someone asked up-thread - why does his mum object to you giving him lifts? Does she want him to gain more independence, to figure out public transport, to go home with his mates? Do you know?

She's responsible for his daily life. So far, you sound like merely the fun figure.

Please respect her, please consult her and try to follow what she says. It's lovely that you want a good relationship with the teen, but setting yourself up as a disney distraction is doing the lad no favours.

I don't think it is anything to do with the OP's age but more likely to be to do with her not being a mother. Or just a lack of empathy. I have a 50 year old friend who behaved very similarly with late teen/,adult children of her new husband. Couldn't understand why she couldn't just call his grandchildren her grandchildren, because step grand children was too much of a mouthful... Wanted the ex- wife to just fuck off because she had been 'paid off' with a large sum of money. It was all very cosy for a while, some of the children were even working for her at one point. I don't know what happened, but there has been a huge cooling off recently. It's like there was a kind of honeymoon period and then reality bit - the shine wore off.
OP, a child can only have one mother. One day you may have your own children, and you will look back on yourself now and be embarrassed. You seem to think that you are entitled to a maternal relationship with this boy, because you are marrying his father. You're not, you have only known him for a year. His mother has raised him for 15 years. You know, if you really were a mother figure you would be encouraging him to find a girlfriend to go to the rugby with...

OP - I read your post about the son hanging out at your fiance's house during the week and every other weekend and all that and was reminded of how often I stayed over at MY friends house... and just like I didn't consider my friends parent's to be my parent, your fiance's son most likely doesn't consider you a parent either.

You are a still really young. You were 10 when this kid was born. You were still in school when he started school. You're simply the older sibling he doesn't have, and that's not a bad thing!

You should stop trying to be a parent and instead try and be a friend. You're on the right path with activities, but when making plans, try thinking about yourself more as the parent of one of his friends... and whether you would make decisions for someone else's child without informing their parent.

And therein lies an issue. When the boy is at your fiance's house, what exactly does she expect?

The "what if he sent me a text asking me to pick him up" situation is a good one. She wouldn't be okay with some random parent of another child picking up her child, and that's all you are to her right now. If it's her time with the son I would tell him to call his mum and ask first and if he can't get a hold of her, make a decision and drop him off at his mother's house and tell him to send her a text/leave a msg at work (it's about transparency). It is her right as his mother to either organise a lift, or veto his choice of ride. If it's your fiance's time with his son, then it's up to his dad.

From her perspective she wouldn't send her son to stay by himself when his father wasn't home BUT if it's the father's time with the son, then depending on their agreement he has to right to organise a babysitter.

Whatever happened between your fiance and his ex has NO BEARING on her ability to parent. You come across as having some serious disdain for her as a person and you have no respect for her as the parent of your fiance's son and you should. You don't have to understand or like her decisions, but you MUST respect them because she has earned that right as his parent.

What you need to do now is EARN her respect as a person in her son's life. You need to show her you're not a threat. Whether she accepts that or not isn't relevant. Your fiance needs to talk to his ex about what she expects. That doesn't mean cow-towing to her requirements/needs, but it does mean knowing her boundaries.

So I think a sit-down with you, your fiance and his ex is in order (and it should have occurred before you moved in or not long after). You (specifically they) need to hash out what happens when the son is on "dad time" vs "mum time" and things like that. You need to stop seeing her as this evil villain who is a horrible person because even if she is, she is this boys mother and you never will be and that's not a fight you want to continue with start.

BruthasTortoise "I'm still not clear on how the OP is trying to "mother" this boy? "

She's trying to make decisions without involving the mum (him staying over when the dad's not there for example). She keeps calling herself a "mother figure". She has no legal standing in this child's life and is, essentially, simply like a friend or parent of this boys friend. Someone he sees around, spends time with, but has NO SAY in his life. She has say over his behaviour in her house (like anyone else would if someone was visiting) but aside from that... she isn't a parent.

A lot of this seems to be an issue with the kids dad too. He should have sorted this out with his ex AGES ago... as in "he's on my time, I decide who babysits". Having her decide (during dad's time) to send the kid to the uncles house 'cause dad wouldn't be there should have been vetoed by dad. his time, his decision. He didn't veto it so sounds like he's use to bowing down to the ex (or he simply doesn't think it's worth fighting over or he agrees with her).

I also think a large issue here is the OP's obvious disdain for the mother. She had an affair, so what? That doesn't affect the OP, and it doesn't affect the mothers parenting skills. She's human and she did something wrong and her relationship ended... note HER relationship ended.

For someone who is very keen on status, you have picked a curious role. Do a bit of research and you will find that a step 'parent' more often than not has little, or no, status. It can be galling, but there it is. Your lot will very likely be to sit in the background, status-less, a facilitator, facilitating already-established family roles in order to facilitate a healthy environment for any children of that previously established family (particularly if the child/ren are older, or nearly adult, as your partner's son is). The bottom line is that this often means you will have no particular role because all the roles are taken. You will be called on to fill in gaps but only at their convenience, in order to support and maintain their status quo, their established roles (in order to maintain stability for the child/ren). And none of this will be for you. Your needs, or wants for a role, generally don't feature.

My guess is that, because you have made every attempt to muscle in to a nest that isn't yours, your partner's ex snorts with contempt at your damaging (for her boy) presumption and with a sweep puts you in your place. Which is outside. You don't feature, you are nothing - that's how she sees it and she's right . If you kept right back and honoured the established roles in this family, time could carve you a role of sorts. But you will never be up there with them. You just won't. Your one clear role is as a partner to your partner. You seem very enamoured with this role, can't it be enough?

So, his dad. He gets little attention on this thread but I wonder at his calling his ex 'jealous'. This could be stupidity, cowardice (not wanting to spell out the above to you), or it could be an attempt to rob her of her role as his boy's mother (which, of course, would be damaging for his boy). Has he encouraged you to take this disney mom role? Does he encourage you to be a 'mother' to his boy? Is he bitter that she cheated on him and he wants to wipe her out of the picture, using you? If so, he would be using his boy, too. And, again, any damage to you is hugely secondary to any damage to his boy.

You will always be second place in this family. You're going to have to get used to it. Its the Prince Philip role, a servant role. I can't see that sitting well with you at present tbh. But if you want your man, and you don't want to harm his boy, you're going to have to fit in with it.

Sorry but couldn't read all the replies the thread so just responding to OP. Picturing myself in her situation, I can see how I would be really worried if my fifteen year old (girl or boy) was going to be staying alone with a potential step-parent of only 25 years. I think, in terms of emotional and physical maturity, the gap between a fifteen year old and a 25 year old is much closer than that between a 25 year old and a 36 year old. Fifteen year old boys are often gung-ho about trying new things out (young,dumb and full of...) and 25 year old women are just emerging from their puppy fat into the peak years of how sexually attractive they feel. I wouldn't automatically assume she is jealous of you - she may be but I feel that you thinking that of her is more a sign of your level of emotional maturity than any evidence from what you've described of her actions of her feelings about you. I do doubt you rate much on her radar at all actually, she is probably just worried for her son as much as she would be if he were dating a 25 year old.

If I was sending my children off for a contact weekend, I would expect that either my ex-partner or his parents were doing at least 90% of the caring. Sorry but it's probably just that.

The ex is jealous, but in your efforts to be liked by your partners son, you have stood on her toes. This isn't good for a long term relationship for all involved. It's great that you are interested in your future step-son but try to have a healthy relationship with your partners ex, is also important.

I think that both sides are in the wrong.
On one side OP is going to be in his life as his step mother and she will be a fixture. She will not be disappearing when he visits her home. She will have extended family and friends who will get to know him, she might well produce half siblings for him. She will be at his wedding, she will have a relationship with his children. This is all if he wants it. He will be an adult and his mother can't be telling him who he can have relationships with when he is 30 - 40-50 yrs old. It is pretty difficult to do it with a teenager because they are quite likely to do the opposite.
On the other side OP is rushing it and being quite nasty about the mother who, quite understandably, doesn't like the situation.
AngryBuddha has it right. If you are in for the long term relationship you need to back off a bit and take it slowly. You have a lifetime to build a relationship with him, so use tact and diplomacy.

What a sad thread. The op comes across badly but many posters come across worse. Since when was 25 a little girl? Since when could fathers not be trusted to make the right decisions for their children?

storming around to take your 15 yr old son from his fathers house where he is with the fathers girlfriend of four years is seriously odd behaviour but oh no it's 'mother' she knows best.

I know thisisghstly, some posters are really coming across quite badly and really not setting a good example. I understand wat you are saying mini, bu it is not put across in a very nice way, I do not agree with a few of your points. Op is a valid member of the family, her family with her fiancée and his ds is different to the boys family with his mum. She is not a second class citizen, but has a more supportive role I think you will find, and is there as a nutural role. I hear on here that you have to try and build a kind of bond with step children as they are a part of your family unit, and you want a harmonious experience. Op is mabey going about it like a bull in a china shop, and should step back a bit. Add to that she is not a parent herself so does not really have much experience, if she becomes a mother I am sure her views will change, and she may look back at this with some embarrassment.

I do not blame the boys mother for her feelings and actions, op is the other woman, and it seems really as she is muscling in nd stepping on her toes. Yes ifvcoursevif dads not going to be there she will send her son with a restive, at the moment op is not mature enough and the relationship between op and the mother is tense

How many mothers here would he happy that their 15 year old hormone drive teen son hung around with a 25 year old woman. Not many I should imagine. OP you need to back off and stop trying to be his friend, it could go very wrong. You might think of your self as his new 'mummy', he may well see you as a girlfriend? By all means spend time with him, when his father is around. Don't take him to rugby matches and out on your own, it is really not appropriate. Can you imagine the furore if a teacher did this? Or any other responsible adult. Wrong wrong wrong.

Springy what you have said would not be taken well by a lot of step parents because they may be more to the child. My nieces and nephews had a mum with severe mental health problems. My brother remarried, his wife was like a second mum to those kids. At their mums they were badly neglected, they had to care for her and they witnessed thing no child should ever see (she attempted suicide in front of the kids). My brother had them every weekend, they were smelly and dirty. His wife and himself would buy them new clothes, their home was where they could be children again and relax. Brothers wife helped nurture and look after them, eventually as teens they left mum and lived with them. They are thriving, and onderful adults now, sadly their mum died, so brothers wife took on the nurturing role even more

By the time I was 25 I was married, had one child of my own and two resident step children. I was working, had finished a masters degree and was paying the mortgage. I find something faintly ridiculous about saying that a 25 year old grown woman in terms of emotional maturity is closer to a 15 year old than a 36 year old.

Also the OP may have called herself a "mother figure" because she is going to be the boys step mum but in reality she is not acting as a mother figure so still not clear how she is infringing on mum's turf. And I still don't think that she needed to do anything other than check it was ok with his Dad. If anybody needed to check with his mum it should've been his Dad, they are the ones in the co-parenting relationship.

Really summermovedon? Yes I would be happy for my son to hang around with his fathers girlfriend of four years if his dad has to work.
Ds is 13 so not quite a er hormonal driven beast of a 15 yr old but I imagine when the time comes I - or even his father! - will let him spend time with family and friends in their 20s.

There is a difference between 'hanging around' and 'parenting/looking after'. So yes really. OP is not a friend and not an older cousin, she should be behaving like a 'parent' figure. There just seem to be a lack of appropriate boundaries here.

Op I think it's fantastic that you want a good relationship with your soon to be ss however from an outsider it looks like you have gone from 0-60 and if I was the ex I would be slightly unnerved by that.

If dp and I were to split I would want dd to have a good relationship with any future partner but I would see his contact time as time for him to spend with his child not for him to palm his dc on to a new partner. If your df isn't interested in rugby it wouldn't take much effort for him to find something that father and son can do together.

My dad has had a parade of women and the only one we actually liked took her time, didn't try to mother us and stuck to boundaries dm liked her and said if dad couldn't make it work with her there was no hope for him. His current amour (don't know due to nc) has come on too strong and the whole family think she's unhinged

I agree wannabe, op should step back and have some boundaries. Dad should be there for his ds, not expect sm to be there all the time.

For gods sake. You're the same age as me, I'm really struggling to understand why you want to become this mother figure, and how on earth you expect it to work. You're not a mother figure and I doubt you ever will be. The age difference isn't enough. You haven't commended a position either - you've be-friended him. You will always be his fathers wife to him, albeit one who he can have a laugh with which is good, but YABU to expect more.

And your dismissive attitude towards his mother is wrong. Marrying a man doesn't mean you trump his ex.

I also wonder what the lad is saying to his mates about these nights in he has with you.

Hmmm. The problem here seems to be that the OP is terribly devoid of feelings for the mother of the child. All you can take from this is a 'me, me, me' attitude.

Stepparents can be a valuable and loving part of a child's life. But OP is not a stepparent, not a mother figure, not anything other than the father's girlfriend at the moment and continuing to overstep the mark the way she has been will only cause problems for the child in the long term. She needs to have more respect for the actual parents and indeed the child, as at the moment both are severely lacking.

Ooh tidy sorry to hijack the thread, what's happened to gluezilla

I have massive respect for someone who can contribute to another person's child's life. My 'dad' is actually my stepdad, he's amazing. But this is completely different. Like tinydancer said, she's not a stepparent or a mother figure.

I sort of dislike the fact that marrying someone with children gives you automatic rights to the 'parent' title. I would hate it if me and my partner split up and our DD had a 'stepmum'. But I suppose I'd have to get used to it :)

Not a chance I could be a mother figure to a 15 year old. I'm 23 and have siblings older than that.

I have a stepdad. He has been married to my mum for 4/5 year now. We get on well but he isn't a father figure.

He also isn't a father figure to my younger 12 & 14 year old siblings. They are old enough to decide things for their selves. If stepdad was been as pushy as you they would have been a bit wtf about it.

He wasn't pushy at all. 5 years on and my son calls him his form of grandad and he helps us all out. If mum my mum and him split he would still be a part of our lives.

Stop trying to force it. Let the mother get used to you. As you say you have only know the 15 year old for just over a year. You do sound immature and that's coming from someone younger.

I don't find anything creepy about it though. You just need to back off a bit. Yes you are marrying his dad but that's it. His mother doesn't know you. I wouldn't leave my son in the care of someone I didn't know.

The 15 year old is old enough to decide for his self though

First of all, he is closer in age to you than your fiance is to you - you are not going to be a 'mother figure' but more a friend to him than anything else.

If he want to spend time with you as per you examples above, then it is imperative that you make sure he has checked that it's ok with his mum, or send her a text yourself to confirm if she thinks it's ok.

If you do this, she may actually start to trust you, and think that you're a responsible adult.

As he will be doing his GCSEs, then training for a half-marathon is going to take up a hell of a lot of time when he needs to be studying - NOT a great idea, and something that a mum would always think of. Clearly it hadn't crossed your mind.

I wouldn't be comfortable with my 15 year old staying alone for 3 nights with a 25 year old woman I didn't know that well either.

There is also a good chance he fancies you and she knows this, and think it's not healthy for him to spend too much time with you.

piglet - nothing more from her at the moment! I'm just waiting for the inevitable baby shower in due course!

She is currently involved in another wedding so I'm anticipating the PA comments about not getting any help with her own wedding may fire up!