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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:

whois · 06/12/2013 22:27

I do think step mums (or new partners of separated men!) get a bad press on MN.

They have to put the child above anything else, but they can't ever be close with the child either. Be lovely but don't have a real relationship. Just be pretty wallpaper.

perlona · 06/12/2013 22:27

The more you talk, the more I feel sorry for his mother and understand the concern she must have. I wouldn't trust someone who is obviously so immature, manipulative and desperate to be seen as 'cool' to win some imagined competition with the mother. That's not someone who can be trusted not to have sex with or provide cigarettes/drugs/alcohol to a fifteen year old in an attempt to win them over.

You are not the mature, responsible, trustworthy type and have proven that in your posts and I'm sure, in real life. Loving mothers aren't just entitled to protect their children from people they don't trust, they're supposed to do that. When you grow up and have your own kids, you'll understand.

You are not entitled to trust because you are engaged to a man, neither will marrying him bestow that. Trust is earned, grow up, be mature, be responsible, be respectful and you'll earn it with time. Stop pretending that you're going to replace his mother, that's ridiculous and offensive. Continue as you are and you're going to create a lot of problems within the family this boy will hate you for it.

needaholidaynow · 06/12/2013 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 06/12/2013 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerryChristmasMollyHooper · 06/12/2013 22:36

This is all very odd.

Have you considered that the boy doesn't feel as comfortable with you as you seem to think?

Maybe he asked his mum to change the plans because he didn't want to stay with you for 3 days on his own, same goes for the rugby. He may feel more comfortable when his dad is there.

That's no reflection on you but I know I was a little weird about such things when I was that age.

SatinSandals · 06/12/2013 22:36

There is no need to get into all this argument-if you are going to be around for 60 or more years there is plenty of time to develop your own relationship. He only has a few years before he is independent and chooses where to spend his time -and most likely be the one to offer lifts and ask people if they want to run marathons.

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/12/2013 22:41

If my ex wife left our children with her partner can I go round and take them back to mine, as he's just some random bloke she's happens to be in a relationship with?

if this random bloke is not grown up enough to be able to be responsible for the child left in there care is clearly hostile towards you and you have genuine welfare concerns because deceit is involved, then yes why do you need to even ask

AnnabelleLee · 06/12/2013 22:45

He's a child, she is his MOTHER. She gets a big input into where he sleeps and who he spends his time with. You, on the other hand, are his fathers young girlfriend. You do not, and you are not a mother figure.

Your attitude is bizarre. You need to back off big time.

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/12/2013 22:46

Needaholiday

I was thinking more along the lines of the ones that have been around 5 minutes and have decided there more important than anybody demanding to go to parents events keeping secrets from both parents start referring t the dc's as there own kids and the actual parents as bio p's that sort of thing.

SatinSandals · 06/12/2013 22:49

He's a child, she is his MOTHER. She gets a big input into where he sleeps and who he spends his time with

Only for less than another 3 years. If he goes to university she won't have a clue where he sleeps and who he spends him time with, unless he chooses to tell her!

SatinSandals · 06/12/2013 22:51

You do need to recognise that shared contact is very different for a 15yr old than a 5 year old and both sides need to stop fighting over him, as if he is a possession, and give a bit of space!

SatinSandals · 06/12/2013 22:51

Personally, if I was him I would only be too pleased to get away from everyone!

SatinSandals · 06/12/2013 22:52

It seems to have got well away from the young man in question and be all about the two women!

AnnabelleLee · 06/12/2013 22:55

So what if its only for another 3 years? its true now.

Philoslothy · 06/12/2013 22:55

I am a step parent .

You are being too pushy, when you choose to marry a man with children you have to fit in with the needs of the family they are not there to fit in with you.

I am sure that this is all well meaning but you do sound like you are playing at being married and playing at being a mother. You need to back off and stop demanding.

His parents will always be his parents , you are not yet married and marriages sadly often fail, so you may not always be around. Sounds harsh but it is true. Therefore presently you are "just" a woman who stays at the house and should not be causing so much tension in a family who have to be in each other's lives forever.

Doubletroublemummy2 · 06/12/2013 22:58

You are really coming across as a silly little girl. You are not his mother, you will never be his mother you are not mature enough to be a mother figure to a 15 year old. You may have a good relationship with him but leave the parenting to the parents. Show a little empathy and understanding to what his family (him, his father and his mother) are going through. This is not about you, it is about the pain caused when families break down, and even if that family has broken, they are still a family and you may find you get on better with his mother if you show this some respect and spend time building a reasonable relationship with her rather than playing her child as a pawn in a silly, spiteful game. I hope you can take this in the spirit it's intended, which is not to have a go, and think carefully about what the mature to go abiut this is. Also if you get a chance watch "Stepmom" , great movie!

SatinSandals · 06/12/2013 23:03

So what if its only for another 3 years? its true now
Yes but you can't suddenly let go-you have to work up to it.

OP's mistake is rushing it all. Just stay in the background and prove that you have staying power and you will be around in 20 or so years time to have a relationship with step grandchildren etc-that you are not going to disappear. There is no rush.

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 06/12/2013 23:07

OP I'm trying to be fair here

When I was 25 and not yet a Mother if I had met someone I fell for and he had a 15 year old I MIGHT have acted as entitled and naive as you are acting. I did think I knew best how my sister should parent her kids (she had graciously let this slide)

I'm 31 with two kids now and I see things from a completely different perspective.

It's very very difficult to climb down from a your own perception that you are in the right but try to look beyond the patronising or insulting ways in which some of us have phrased our advice (me included) and see the common sense in there.

Slow down, back off, reach out to his Mother to let her know you respect her wishes for her child and accept her place at the very centre of his life. Your life and your relationship will be easier for it.

AnnabelleLee · 06/12/2013 23:07

You have to work up to letting them out on the world on their own. This doesn't ever necessitate letting dads girlfriends adopt them as a teenage buddy and have them over for sleepovers and playdates.

TooOldForGlitter · 06/12/2013 23:07

Could the patronising misogyny come across more PLEASE, i'm not quite getting it. Wtaf is going on on this thread. It is now acceptable to demean adult female posters and refer to same as, "silly little girls", "young", "naieve". Where did the real mumsnet go? Stepfords, fuck OFF back to netmums.

TooOldForGlitter · 06/12/2013 23:14

I could link a hundred threads in all the same circs where all the sheep slated the "dads girlfriend" for not doing enough to incorporate the stepkids, not include them or give them 'special' time. But, no, tonight, the sheep needed to follow and bleat shite, and they duly did.

BruthasTortoise · 06/12/2013 23:23

I'm still not clear on how the OP is trying to "mother" this boy? Now admitedly if she had jumped in with both feet and was taking over regarding his school work or his curfews or his chores or his relationships or anyone of the other 100 things that should be left up to the parents then there might be a fair point. But she hasn't, she took a child she has known for a year, has spent time with regularly, has been entrusted by the child's father for 4 years, to a rugby match. And has sought to share a common interest with him. I'm failing to see how that is stepping on his mothers toes.

FirstOnRecallDay · 06/12/2013 23:24

I personally cannot be bothered to read ALL the responses but im going to go against the general grain here, if you are happy, your fiance and your DSS is happy then continue to do what you are doing. His mother will be her own undoing. She may or may not learn to deal with it but why let it bother you, you have your own family to look after. I say this as the DSD who was introduced to my DF's now wife when i was 18, she is my step mum, I love and cherish her just as much as my own. You can never have too much love I say. HTH

needaholidaynow · 06/12/2013 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LisaMed · 06/12/2013 23:32

Beth - why are you flirting with a fifteen year old when you are with a fiance?

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