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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 06/12/2013 21:34

The half marathon was a nice touch, you have to admit?

deepfriedsage · 06/12/2013 21:41

Will this be printed off and sent to a twenty five year old?

mintberry · 06/12/2013 21:42

OP your last few posts have made me question your motives a lot.

You are being too defensive, take a break from that and actually try (seriously, try) and imagine how the mother feels. I'm pretty sure that if you ever have kids of your own and come across this thread again you will be embarrassed.

Also, nice posts PerfectStorm.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 06/12/2013 21:44

Mist Grin Grin Grin

BakerStreetSaxRift · 06/12/2013 21:45

That puff of smoke doesn't half leave a trail...

springyticktack · 06/12/2013 21:46

It's not difficult to see why you have such a rapport with a 15yo Beth

Do you practise writing your name with your fiance's surname. Like, lots of times. Like, in different scripts?

HarryTheHungryHippo · 06/12/2013 21:48

This thread is barmy. 1 minute the stepson is 15 too old to need a mother figure( which I agree with) but in the same breath he's just a child who needs to be told what to do and protected by his mother. He's 15 FFS, In less than a year he'll be old to move out, leave school and get married. What about what he wants? If anyone's making his life difficult it's his mother by making demands due to her own vendetta. Has anyone thought that maybe the ops not trying to "one up" the mother and maybe, just maybe they actually just get along. That can happen you know.
The op has been in this relationship for 4 years, I bet that if she was even 5 years older the responses towards her would not be half as patronising and rude

Coldlightofday · 06/12/2013 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 06/12/2013 21:53

What?

HarryTheHungryHippo · 06/12/2013 21:53

Do you practise writing your name with your fiance's surname. Like, lots of times. Like, in different scripts?

And posts like this just prove my point. The irony that your calling the op immature and then making a comment like this.
You must feel so proud

cloggal · 06/12/2013 21:54

What vendetta, Harry? OP's examples, even if they have been genuinely upsetting for her, have all sounded like fairly reasonable parental behaviour. As a few of us have now said several times, maybe a lot of this distrust would be dissipated by the OP communicating with the boy's mother.

cloggal · 06/12/2013 21:54

mist Grin

HarryTheHungryHippo · 06/12/2013 21:56

The vendetta that they can't even be left alone with each other in the same house, that op can't be the one to give him lifts, that it's easier(for her) to send him 100miles away for 3 days.

I'll repeat again, what about what he wants? Yes this isn't about the ops feelings but it sure as hell isn't about the mothers feelings either

BOF · 06/12/2013 21:57

I thought it was funny

HarryTheHungryHippo · 06/12/2013 22:00

maybe a lot of this distrust would be dissipated by the OP communicating with the boys mother
The op has already stated previously that the boys mother won't speak to her, makes a point of ignoring her and is rude to her. How would you suggest they communicate when one side doesn't want to?

whois · 06/12/2013 22:02

Call me naive, but I don't really see what the OP has done wrong. She's tried to be friendly (go to a match together etc) and isn't suddenly wanting to go to the boy's parents evenings or choose his sixth form. She's not really trying to be 'mum' but more of another friendly adult in his life. We can all do with people like that, that sort of relationship can be very beneficial.

I think it's a bit hysterical to not what them in a house together overnight, what do you think is going to happe ? OP is digging the boys dad not the boy!

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/12/2013 22:03

I don't think this thread is going to be Extended much longer.

cloggal · 06/12/2013 22:04

I'd suggest she keeps trying and that her DP also steps up for the benefit of the boy. I would equally suggest the OP steps back. She is getting far too involved, and undermining his mother when in reality she has not known her DS for long. She needs to slow down.

I hear what you're saying about the mother's feelings, but it would be irresponsible for her to leave her DS with someone she doesn't know. I bet sending him away for three days to an uncle was a pita for her too, but his father should have sorted this out.

I agree though that in a year it is up to him. She will have his respect for life if she doesn't begin to compete with his mother and works as best she can with the parents he has.

scottishmummy · 06/12/2013 22:04

She arranged asleep over without consulting boy mum,chose not to tell mum

MammaTJ · 06/12/2013 22:08

I think I will deserve a little bit more respect and trust.

Um, no! These things have to be earned!

I made my ExH introduce me to the OW before I allowed our DD to spend time with her. She (the OW) asked me why I needed to do this. I told her when she was a mum she never will be, ExH made her have the implants as he does not want any more then she would understand.

OP, you really have no clue. This woman, who you say is interfering, will always be his mum.

Crazyex · 06/12/2013 22:11

My dear child, when you are all grown up and are a big girl with children of your own, you might possibly understand how you have got this all wrong. Until then, try backing off. You are not cool, you are not a step-mum, the novelty for you will wear off and his parents will be the ones there for him as they should be.

needaholidaynow · 06/12/2013 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fifi669 · 06/12/2013 22:23

Woah people are harsh today!

Don't bang on about being a step mum. With your age difference you will be in name but as previous posters have said you'll be more big sister in reality.

The ex is jealous. She prob hates that her son likes hanging out with you, you are younger and as his mum she's prob not 'cool' to him. I think it's pretty normal to be put out in such circumstances.

That said, I think she's overreacting. You've known him a few years and DP is fine with you having him for those few days he's away or to go watch sport etc. It's no different to her saying he's going to stay at her friend Mary's house who DP doesn't know. They both have PR, they both make decisions in their own time. I think it's DPs battle to fight though, not yours.

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/12/2013 22:23

I'm starting to think this is a wind up - no one can be that thick skinned and ignorant toward a child, can they?

You obviously have not hung out in the step parenting threads much then, mostly there sensible but the amount of ' its all about what I want,mums a twat and dads stupid' ones are really quite eye opening.

scottishmummy · 06/12/2013 22:25

Pray tell why has the ex wel jel?i suppose she's threatened by op erudite ways