Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

[Beth9009]

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

Do you know anything about his day to day schedule and his homework? How do you know for sure that his mum stopped him doing the marathon because of you. Maybe his mum didnt want to do it because he has too much other stuff to do ie exams or maybe he didnt want to do it but made up an excuse about his mum.

I don't want to just be some woman who's living at his dad's house who he has no connection with

I can completely agree with you on this, Beth! I was exactly the same and it took me years to get to the stage where I'm not "some woman" - and I'm still trying ...

FWIW, I do feel your heart is in the right place (as I indicated in my previous post) - I don't think there is any intended malice, but I do believe it would help to take the 'sting' out of the situation if you can allow a 'pause moment' in what appears to be a heated circumstance currently with your future Step Son's DM.

In my experience, things do calm down, but only if you help matters by trying to calm the troubled waters and don't pour hot oil on it! This is how things currently are perceived by his DM - but if you let things calm for the time being, and don't force the situation, you may find she will start to trust you.

Trust comes with time, patience and understanding the situation from the other person's perspective. Currently, it appears you need to become more empathetic to what is happening.

Maybe you should get your claws into planning your wedding and out of your DP's son and things might improve.

Based on his age, you don't have to be a mother figure and neither should you. If he was a small child then yes, you may have to take on a mothering role if he was staying with you and your fiance, but he is 15, he has a mother. Be his friend, nothing more. I am not surprised his mother is upset with you, I would be.

Perhaps the mother sees you as predatory?

OP it sounds to me like you are really keen and determined to make a family unit with your fiance and his son. Lots of people on here are telling you that you are immature, and if that's so, then I was immature at 25 as well - and sure of my own power in the world to get what I wanted, and certain about what was right. At my now more advanced age, I'm much less sure of things than I was, including being more questioning of my own deeper motives.

Can you be sure that you are not trying to punish your fiance's XP by competing for her son's affection?

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Ah I see, she is having to run her own marathon to protect him from you. She clearly needs to.

Reverse AIBU?

I've agreed with every single post perfectstorm has written here? None of these perceived slights matter OP. None. You all have to try and get on, try to be adults, for the sake of a 15 year old boy. Not undermining his mother. To be honest I doubt many mothers would leave their child alone for three days with someone they don't know.

I think your DP needs to step up and sort this out but you do have to stop the injured party mentality if you want this to get better. If I were his mother and I got even a whiff of this from you I'm afraid I think I'd feel similarly to her. On the other hand if I thought you were respectful of me as his mother, but a positive influence in his life, I would be glad, relieved even.

It is up to you to change your attitude and to work on changing the relationship, but I don't think you want to do that - you seem to think you deserve all this just by being his father's partner and I think that's presumptuous.

Its nice and sunny in Oz - tempted?

OP, post in step-parenting. MN has gone freakin' NUTS lately. You have been patronised, insulted and ridiculed. Unfairly so. Do try step-parenting.

I really don't mean to be personal or insulting but as a general rule of thumb, I would be extremely unhappy if a 25 year old female wanted to spend an evening alone with my 15 year old son without my prior knowledge.

Gone nuts?presumably that=haven't agreed with op?I don't reckon stepparent topic will either

I think people are posting some inflammatory accusations here which are uncalled-for.

You obviously have not computed his gcse exams come before a marathon, no wonder your not trusted.

You sound naive and wonderfully full of yourself.

Of course the boy's mum is going to feel a bit aggrieved if you are constantly scoring points and playing Disney girlfriend while she has the slog of bringing up a teenager (even the sweetest kids are bloody hard work). The point of access visits is for the child to spend time with the non-resident parent, not someone else.

I think you need to do a bit of growing up here. You plan to marry a man who has a teenage son. Life will be a bit more complicated than you think.

Oh, and you are not down wiv the kidz - teenagers regard anyone over the age of 20 as ancient

Read this thread when you have a child. Imagine letting that child spend time with someone not of your choosing.

I guarantee that he does not (and probably never will) see you as a "mother figure". I can imagine he likes the attention (and expensive gifts) and that it is very flattering for his ego to have you competing over him. The minute you tried to "parent" him I expect he would laugh in your face.

BOF, this sexy fianceed-up step mum is Extending my credulity, tbh

This is disgusting and twisted - it says far more about you than it does about the OP.

Ah, yes, my credulity has also been Extended.

daisy, report my post and draw it to HQ's attention then and watch it disappear in a puff of Extended smoke