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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

586 replies

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 16:50

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 06/12/2013 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monetbyhimself · 06/12/2013 20:52

Starting to think this is a wind up.

Chippednailvarnish · 06/12/2013 20:52

I'm starting to think this is a wind up - no one can be that thick skinned and ignorant toward a child, can they?

MadBusLady · 06/12/2013 20:52

Ditto

Chippednailvarnish · 06/12/2013 20:52

Monet x post...

Monetbyhimself · 06/12/2013 20:53

Freaky X post at exactly the same second

scottishmummy · 06/12/2013 20:53

A 15yo could make significant mileage out of playing you two off each other
Have you considered the potential for splitting (eg playing patents and you off)
It's about the three adults managing a cordial consistent rapport,can you try that?

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 06/12/2013 20:53

I am imagining the MN thread made from this boy's mum's POV

Wouldn't it be strange if she turned up on this one ?

moldingsunbeams · 06/12/2013 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/12/2013 20:56

*young man

Parsimonium · 06/12/2013 20:58

If my ex wife left our children with her partner can I go round and take them back to mine, as he's just some random bloke she's happens to be in a relationship with?

And it hurts my feelings.

softlysoftly · 06/12/2013 20:58

I just want to know why You are so focused on spending so much time with him?

It honestly sounds like you have a new playmate to keep you company and go to the Rugby with and enjoy time with and you are pissed off at his mummy for possibly taking your new best friend forever away.

He's your DPs son, you are treading an odd line.

perfectstorm · 06/12/2013 20:59

Her relationship with her son is her business, not mine. Just like the relationship between him and his father and me is my and his father's business, not hers.

In that case you don't have any sort of parental relationship with him. Because you are totally uninterested in the most primary and significant attachment relationship in his life to date, and don't see supporting or respecting it as anything you need to concern yourself with. You want to compartmentalise the two primary relationships in his young life totally for your own convenience, and to insert yourself into one. He has relationships with both that predate his birth - you aren't and never will be a part of them, I'm sorry but you won't. You can enhance and add to his home with his dad, definitely, but not by refusing to respect the bonds he already has and will always have, that don't include you.

I think some stepmothers are amazing and I have nothing but complete respect for women who perform a really tough juggling act and do it with selflessness and delicacy. I'm sorry, but you are coming across as not actually giving a toss about this boy, his interests, or his wellbeing. Just your own self-image as a "cool stepmum", and with the competition with his mother.

It makes me sad for the poor kid, tbh.

Original poster

Beth9009 · 06/12/2013 21:00

Okay,let me give you some examples of how his mum is being unreasonable.

We share a love for sport and sometimes we go running together. I thought it would be a good idea for us to run in a half-marathon together to raise money for charity and we were both looking forward to it. We had prepared a training plan in advance and were all ready to go. But his mother found out and persuaded him not to. It was a distraction for him from school, apparently. Even though I no she only refused because he was doing it with me.

Also, next month his mother is going on a 2 week long holiday, and naturally it makes sense for her son to stay with his father (and me) during this time. This was all agreed and his father and I were more than happy, but then it turned out that his father would have to go away for 3 days with work during this 2-week period. Not a problem for me, because I will be at the house. But his mother had instead arranged for him to go and stay with his uncle (100 miles away) for 3 nights while his father is away, instead of staying at the house with me, which to me seems ridiculous.

OP posts:

NicknameIncomplete · 06/12/2013 21:01

I can not believe you are only a couple of years younger than me. You sound so immature.

You are not a unit.

Chippednailvarnish · 06/12/2013 21:03

I might just start banging my head against a brick wall. You're really not getting it, are you OP?

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 06/12/2013 21:03

This thread is just Extending on and on, and OP is not listening, just absorbing the atmosphere.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 06/12/2013 21:03

Seriously op, assuming this isn't a wind up, are you taking any of this on board? Can you see how you are coming across?

CoffeeTea103 · 06/12/2013 21:03

You really just don't get it do you??

BOF · 06/12/2013 21:03

I think you have over-Extended yourself a bit.

Are you going to get married? I didn't catch that bit.

fiancefiancefiancefiancefiancefiancefiancefiancefiancefiancefiancefiancefiance

Coldlightofday · 06/12/2013 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 06/12/2013 21:06

Neither of those examples makes his Mum unreasonable.

I wouldn't leave a child of mine with you because your lack of maturity would worry me and she knows more about his schooling than you do so is better placed to say whether he could commit to your schedule.

moldingsunbeams · 06/12/2013 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm · 06/12/2013 21:08

But those aren't examples of her being unreasonable. Those are examples of her doing things you don't like.

You don't know his mother wasn't concerned about the impact of that training schedule in his GCSE years. You don't know that at all - you assume it because it fits your idea of her.
She doesn't know you, or anything about you. So yes, it is reasonable to want her son cared for for several days by someone she knows and trusts rather than her ex's much younger girlfriend. Another good reason for asking to meet with her so you can work out how to cooperate in future, and to reassure her that you are mature and responsible enough to take over in such situations. She doesn't know you from a bar of soap, so why should she trust you over her own brother with her child?
Even if she were massively unreasonable - she would still, always, be her son's mother, and therefore his best interests would be served by your making monumental efforts to get along with her if at all and remotely possible, not by starting a cold war.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 06/12/2013 21:08

BOF, this sexy fianceed-up step mum is Extending my credulity, tbh

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